by Kitty Parker
"Oh, she's already heard it. Now that she's comfortable about Keith, we've had several conversations about him. In fact, she doesn't talk about much else."
Tessa was about to respond, but she stopped as she caught her first view of the riverfront. She hadn't seen it in years, but it was every bit as beautiful as she remembered. Her parents used to bring them here after church on Sundays. She would never forget the picnics they had under the shade of the trees that lined the river. "It's places like this that give me hope that things will return to the way they were," she sighed.
Parker turned and looked at her, then smiled, "I'm glad you're hopeful for the future; I know not everyone is."
"I'm not always hopeful. Sometimes it seems like I'll never get back to where I was," she said sadly.
Parker took her hand, "You will, Tess, you will. You've already been through so much; you'll get through the rest, I know it."
Tessa smiled at him and dropped his hand. They continued walking in silence, until Parker found a spot that he thought worthy of their picnic. As he laid out the blanket and settled the basket, Tessa watched the water. It was so peaceful, so serene. He invited her to sit, and she carefully spread out her skirt and curled up on the blanket. Parker began to take out the goodies Jessie had packed for them.
"You know, this is where my dad told my mom that he loved her," Parker said quietly, handing her a sandwich.
Tessa felt her throat tighten; she wasn't exactly sure why Parker was telling her that. She could only hope that he wasn't planning on making that same admission. He remained silent for a moment, leaving Tessa wondering what she should say. Thankfully he continued.
"Mom was appalled! She thought Dad was just her friend and didn't realize he wanted something more, something she wasn't ready or willing to give. She actually left him here alone! She was unable to sit with him anymore, completely uncertain of what to say."
Tessa felt nervous laughter bubble up from inside her, "I can't believe your mother wasn't ecstatic to hear him say he loved her. It's so apparent that they're in love now."
"Well, Momma's life was Winchester. I don't think she ever planned on leaving. Dad completely threatened her plans for the future."
Tessa nodded as she took her first bite of the sandwich Parker had given to her. That seemed to be enough for Parker. He turned the conversation back to something much lighter and Tessa found herself forgetting about the story that had made her so antsy. When they finished they walked, enjoying the scenery the river front offered, then they headed home, hoping to be back in time for dinner.
"I think my parents found a bed for Emma. They feel bad that Sadie and Emma have been sharing for so long," Parker said as they neared the Sullivan's home.
"Oh, that's not necessary," Tessa said quickly.
Parker smiled, "I don't think it's any problem at all. The bed will fit easily in the girls' room."
"But I wouldn't want them to go through all the trouble of getting the bed and trying to put it in there. Not to mention paying for it."
"They don't have to pay for it. Apparently, it's an old mattress that my Aunt Olivia doesn't need anymore. She's offered it to my parents for free."
"Parker!" Tessa said loudly. "It's not necessary. I would hate for your parents to go through all the trouble when we're leaving in a few days anyway."
Her words seemed to hit him with a force she wasn't prepared for. He stopped immediately and whirled toward her. They were just a few feet from the Sullivan's house, but Parker wouldn't let her pass. The look on his face made her eyes grow wide; she had no idea her decision would have such an effect.
When Parker finally found his words, he spoke calmly, "You can't go."
She smiled, hoping to ease his concern, "We have to. We'll be fine, Park, we were fine before you came into our lives, and we'll be fine to go back to where we were in May. You don't have to worry about us."
"Can't you see that I do?" he said desperately.
"Park, I know we've become friends, and I appreciate your concern, but I can't lean on your parents' kindness anymore. I have to find my own way now that I'm able to."
Parker stepped forward, he was inches from her and she had to look up into those kind brown eyes that had become so familiar. "You're not just a friend to me, Tess, I'm in love with you, that's why you can't go."
Tessa couldn't keep the shocked expression from her face, and she watched as Parker's eyes dropped in disappointment. She would have been lying to herself if she said she had never thought about a future with Parker. So many people in the Sullivan household had suggested it, even her own feelings with Parker had suggested it. Despite her own thoughts on the matter, it still surprised her that he had such intense feelings for her.
She took a step back, putting a bit of distance between them, "Parker, I didn't know you felt that way."
"I've felt this way for a while; I didn't want to scare you because I know you have a lot on your mind. But I can't let you leave the safety of my house without telling you. Tessa, stay with me."
She felt her resolve shake, "I can't, I can't tell you that I love you. I have three kids that depend on me, and I have to be there for them. They are my responsibility, and my concern is for them. I can't fall in love and leave them behind, and I won't ask a man to share my responsibility in such a difficult time. I have nothing to bring, nothing to give, and I won't." She shook her head as if to solidify her point.
Parker stepped forward and put his hand on her cheek and stroked gently with his thumb. Her first reaction was to pull away, but his eyes caught hers and she couldn't manage to move. "Why can't you see that I don't want you to bring anything or give anything? I want you. I want your smile and your laugh, I want your conversation and intelligence, I want your opinion and your honesty. That's all."
She felt a blush rise in her cheeks and she couldn't look into those eyes anymore. Turning down her head, she pulled herself out of her grasp. "You say that now, but what happens when I become a burden? What happens when you have to spend your entire earnings each week to support us? What about my sisters and brother? I can't put them through it, I can't put myself through it, and I certainly won't put you through it." With her point made, she began to walk toward the house only to be stopped by Parker, who had grasped her hand from behind.
"Tessa, when will you see that you're the only treasure I want? Money, houses, automobiles, they don't mean anything."
Tessa shook her head and freed her hand, "You say that now, but when you're stuck providing for all of us with no escape it will be something different entirely, and I just can't." With that, she left him, completely unsure of what to do next.
Chapter 26
Tessa was searching the Sullivan household for her brother and sisters. She wanted to go to the library, seeing as today was Thursday, the day they had always called "Library Day" while living in their shanty. In her mind, it was time to get back into the habit of some of the things that had served them well while they were on there own. So far she had been able to find Lucas and Emma. Lucas was playing with Dillon and Ben, and they were so enthralled in their game, she didn't have the heart to force Lucas to go with her. Emma was cooking something in the kitchen with Jessie, who had made her feel like an important helper, so again Tessa couldn't ask her to leave.
Finally Tessa found Sadie in the back garden of the house, laughing over something with Lizzy, who was nearly hysterical. "Sadie, I'm heading to the library, do you want to come?"
Sadie tried to calm herself down to focus on Tessa's question, "The library?"
"Yes, it's Thursday, I thought maybe we'd start to go again."
Sadie scrunched her face, "We haven't been there in months, and the Sullivans have plenty of books. Not to mention, Mrs. Sullivan has been keeping up with our studies. We don't really have to go, do we?"
Tessa was disappointed, but she smiled for her sister, "Of course not, I just didn't want to go without asking everyone if they wanted to join me. I'll just go by my
self, I'm sure Mrs. Bruner is wondering what happened to us."
"Thanks, Tess, tell Mrs. Bruner I said hello. If you want to go next week, I'll be happy to go with you."
"Alright, Sadie, I'll keep that in mind." Tessa turned around and walked away to the sound of more giggles from her sister and Lizzy. They were a pair indeed. Perhaps it was better for her to be going by herself; she did have an awful lot to think about after all. She hadn't seen Parker again since his admission to her yesterday. He had decided not to eat dinner with the family which made Tessa feel extremely guilty. She wasn't sure what to do about it though. She hoped that her refusal hadn't ruined her friendship with him forever. Of course, she also realized how it felt to be rejected by the person you loved; after all it had happened to her.
"If I were to marry anyone, I could see it being a man just like Parker Sullivan," she said quietly to herself as she walked slowly down the road toward the public library. "He's certainly a different kind of man than Lou Jenner was, but now I see that marriage to Lou may not have been ideal. But Parker has to understand where I'm coming from! I have an awful lot of responsibility and no way to support all that resposibility, I can't ask him to undertake something that not even I am capable of doing. I know he claims that money isn't important, but it was certainly important to all of those men who lived in the shanty town. I would never forgive myself to see him discouraged like most of those men."
With a shake of her dark curls, she continued toward the library. Her leg was feeling more and more normal everyday, and she walked with pleasure in the fall sun. There was something very liberating about being able to walk on her own outside. After a short walk, she entered through the library doors to find Mrs. Bruner hunched over the circulation desk. A smile blossoming on Tessa's lips, she walked up to the older woman.
"Hello, Mrs. Bruner."
The older woman looked up from the book she was studying, "Tessa Evans!" she said in surprise. "It's so good to see you, is little Emma with you?"
Tessa laughed, "No..."
"Is she alright? Did something happen to her?" the woman asked with concern.
"No nothing of the sort, we've been staying with some friends and she's home with them. I couldn't manage to pull any of my siblings away from their fun for a visit to the library."
"Oh dear it is so good to see you, I thought something had happened to you. You were always my most regular patrons, and then a couple months went by without any sightings. You should see the pack of used pencils I have saved up under this desk for Lucas!" Mrs. Bruner said quickly, rushing to another section of the desk to pull out a thick pack of pencils, held tightly together with a rubber band.
"That's so kind of you. Actually, I had a bit of a mishap and was badly injured, which is why we're staying with friends. I broke my leg and collar bone and was unable to get around for quite a while. This was the first opportunity I had to come; I knew you would be worried."
"Oh dear, oh dear! I just knew something would have to happen to keep you from schooling the children, it was always so important to you. I'm so sorry you were hurt; I told you that shanty town was no place for you and those children! I'm glad you've gotten yourself out."
Tessa sighed, "Actually, I'm planning on heading back to the shanty town soon. We've took advantage of our friends' hospitality for far too long as it is, I just can't stand to be a burden anymore."
Mrs. Bruner looked disappointed by her admission, but the woman didn't say another word. Tessa thanked her for her concern then went to look through the shelves and shelves of books. Finally she decided on two that she had never read before, and settled down in one of the comfortable chairs the library offered. She remained and read for hours and hours. At one point, Mrs. Bruner offered her a cup of tea and a muffin because it had gotten to be so late. It was the perfect distraction to let herself get caught up in someone else's world and even time had managed to get away from her.
* * *
"Momma, have you seen Tessa?" Parker asked as he strode into the parlor where his mother was working on her knitting.
"No, haven't seen her all day," she said calmly, finishing the stitch she was working on.
Parker fell into the nearby chair with a huff of confused frustration. He watched as his mother put down her needles, took off her spectacles and calmly folded them before looking up at him. "What's the matter?" she asked easily.
"I told Tess I loved her yesterday; I fear I've ruined everything."
"Is that why you weren't at dinner last night?" she asked, knowingly.
"Yes."
She smiled, moving over on the couch to be closer to him, "I knew something must have been wrong for you to not come to dinner with Tessa being there. Unless you're working, you haven't missed a dinner since she started staying with us. And Tessa was acting a bit unusual at the table."
"She was?" he asked, suddenly more hopefully.
"She looked...uncertain."
"Oh," he said with disappointment.
"So tell me what happened," Mrs. Sullivan said with concern.
"I wasn't planning on telling her, I knew she wasn't ready to hear it. Lately she's been talking so much about leaving, I knew she didn't feel the way I did. I was waiting, patiently for the right time to present itself. Yesterday we went to the river front for a picnic to celebrate her cast coming off and her being able to take a long walk without assistance. We were having a wonderful time, and we were almost home when I thought to tell her about the bed you and Dad found for Emma. She grew very uncomfortable and told me that it wasn't necessary. When I insisted it wasn't a problem, she informed me that they would not be staying very much longer and would be headed back to the shanty town! I couldn't just let her leave, so I thought that perhaps if she knew my feelings, and had developed some of her own, perhaps I could keep her safe. So I told her in a rushed sort of way only to have her completely shocked by the admission. She discouraged me from my feelings because of money. She told me that she could never ask me to take on the responsibility of her and her brother and sisters without her being able to provide any kind of assistance."
"Oh dear..." Mrs. Sullivan interjected.
"I tried to make her understand that I'm in love with her, but I don't think she believed me."
"She's had a very difficult life, Park. She watched her parents go through something that was dreadful, something that changed her family forever. She also had her heart broken because of money and the responsibility she carries. She realizes more than most that things do not always end happily. If she controls her own life, she can control most of the things that happen to her. When her life was in the hands of others, she was hurt, badly. She doesn't want that to happen again, and she is trying to protect her brother and sisters as well."
"Momma, I would never do anything to hurt her."
She reached up and tenderly touched his cheek, "I know, you don't have to convince me of that. But she watched her father turn into a man she didn't know because of the discouragement he felt when he lost his money and wife. I'm sure she never believed him capable of that either, and yet, it happened."
Parker nodded, his mother was right. Things had happened to Tessa, and no one else could know the effect they had on her. Parker was the kind of man who lived his life in an upright manner, always treating others with respect and care, but Tessa had seen people with similar character crumble under diversity. Somehow he had to prove that he was different, he had to prove that he would love her always, and that he would always make decisions that would be in their best interest, that he would always be there to take care of her.
"Now, why did you need to speak with her? Because if you're planning to tell her you love her again, I can guarantee you it will not go over well," Mrs. Sullivan smiled.
"I just wanted to tell her that I am still here for her. I want her to know that even though she doesn't feel the same way I do, that I'll always be someone she can come to in a time of trouble. I've also been thinking a lot about her moving out.
I know she shouldn't go back to the shanty town, not after what happened. Who knows where Jerry Poteck is, it's just not safe. I thought of some different options that would make me feel a great deal more comfortable with her leaving."
"Well, why don't you go ask Sadie if she knows where she is? She's just setting the table for dinner, maybe Tessa even came in and I didn't notice because I was so involved with my knitting."
"Thanks, Momma." Parker said, standing then leaning to kiss his mother on the cheek.
"And, Park, don't be discouraged. I see something in Tessa, the way she looks at you and the way she talks to you. I know she feels something more than she's admitting. Maybe she hasn't even admitted it to herself. It took me a long time to admit to myself that I was in love with your father, but as I look back on it, I realize I always was, I was just too stubborn to see it."
Parker nodded and left the parlor in search of Sadie. As his mother had promised, she was in the dining room about the task of setting the table. It seemed that she was halfway finished with the silverware when Parker interrupted her. "Sadie, do you know where Tessa is?"
Sadie looked up from her chore and tilted her head to one side, a confused expression on her face. "Is she not home yet?" She seemed to be asking the question to herself as she chewed on her lower lip and her brows creased. "Oh goodness, it's dark!" she exclaimed, looking out the window.
"Sadie, where did she go?"
"Well she went to the library this afternoon, but that was around 11 o'clock. I'm sure she was there all day, she manages to fall into books and never comes out, but the library is surely closed by now, they close at five once the fall weather starts again. Mrs. Bruner doesn't like the idea of walking home in the dark."
"Sadie, it's nearly seven-thirty. Which library?"
"The one closest to shanty town, it's not more than a twenty minute walk from here."
Parker felt his chest tighten. "I know exactly the library Sadie's talking about, she's right, it's not far. Where could she be?" he thought.