Mid-Life Crisis

by T. Jessop

  Sunday 19th February 2014

  Stab in the dark here, but I’m guessing Chris is still angry with me. I was up at six this morning waiting for her to pick me up to go Sunday market; I was still waiting at seven. Shame on me, lol.

  Note to self: From now on, no more laughing at Chris.

  I saw on the news a women escaped jail for shoplifting because the lawyer claims she’s a kleptomaniac. I’m guessing the difference between being one of these or just a thief is that they’re not doing it on purpose for gain. Who am I to argue? But it seems very strange that kleptomaniacs are always middle or upper class; never heard of a poor person being one.

  Monday 20th February 2014

  Chris has surfaced, all sweetness and light, as I knew she would, lol. It’s Monday and she’s been to the doctors. She goes on to say she won’t be drinking again as the doctor has said she has psoriasis. The last thing I heard was the front door slam accompanied with ‘Heartless bitch’ as I felt the tears roll down my cheeks, pml.

  Joe came home with a smile, presented me flowers. Not sure why. And as pretty as lilies are, the whole house now smells like cat’s piss, you can’t shift that stench for love nor money. Hang on! Why did he buy me flowers?

  Purchasing flowers did not get Joe out off shopping tonight, and as we stood in the queue at the checkout I remarked to Joe how I’d noticed there are a lot of men with one long fingernail, usually the pinky. Was this some sort of members-only sign like in the Masons? He laughed and followed it with ‘It’s for picking their nose.’ I immediately demanded that Joe showed me both his hands, satisfied he didn’t have a ‘bogey nail’. I shot the cashier guy a look like he was vermin as he did possess one.

  Tuesday 21st February 2014

  Joe, jack of all trades, doer of none ‒ not in this house, anyway. Three weeks I’ve been waiting for the shelves in the kitchen to be put up, so I did it myself. He comes home and starts pointing out they’re wonky. Whatever. At least they’re up. He continued to nitpick, asks me what screwdriver I used, as he knows his tools are all locked away. Stupid question, the tool for all jobs: a butter knife, of course.

  It was only two shelves but I guarantee if Joe had done it there would have been fourteen different tools, definitely a spirit level, the re-measuring of the same thing over and over again, several cups of tea, just as many fag breaks, a minimum three starts, six pauses, seven step-backs, and completion by tomorrow.

  Wednesday 22nd February 2014

  Tony and Leigh school disco 7.30pm.

  Elizabeth’s done something very surprising. Whilst concentrating on her pelvic floor thrust, Rico kissed her. Shocked and stunned she told him no, but that was after she’d been kissing him back for ten minutes. Reckons she should feel dirty and ashamed, and yet is so looking forward to next week, hoping he’ll do more than kiss her. Not sure if the idea of adultery bothers her more than the idea that she’s no better than Julie, lmao.

  Tony and Leigh have their school disco tonight. Oh, the school disco: ‘Truly ‘by Lionel Ritchie, ‘You Make Me Feel Brand New’, The Stylistics. Dancing with your hands on each other’s waists, too shy to get any closer unless you were already a couple, then it was arms around the neck every dark corner had someone snogging in it, usually Julie, lol. Alcohol was sneaked into the punch, inevitable fights, girls being dumped for the one who put out. Dear oh dear, Julie has a lot to answer for, lol. xx

  Thursday 23rd February 2014

  Elizabeth arrives London.

  Chloe arrives London.

  Tony and Leigh dentist 5pm.

  Elizabeth called to say she’d arrived at her sister Jemima’s and should be here by four tomorrow, then we’ll hit Mickey’s around seven with a vengeance.80s night, luv it.

  All’s well at Tony and Leigh’s dental check-up. Leigh made a good point: why do dentists have bad breath and tons of fillings? Maybe that’s why they got involved in dentistry! This goes with the question about rock stars: when they debut they already have the signature long hair, suited to their genre, but it aint grown overnight I’m sure; so do they not even attempt to break into the music industry until the hair is the right length? Can’t be coincidence, can it?

  Saturday 25th February 2014

  Leg wax 2pm.

  Elizabeth was the first to arrive at mine yesterday, with freshly printed ‘Choose Life’ T-shirts, so matched with our shorts and white boots we hit the town.80s night, the usual club segregation, like the setting of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers: on the left with frilly shirts and espadrilles, Duran Duranies; on the cool right, Wham’ettes. The only thing we all ever agree on is given five minutes alone with George Michael we could convert him. Great night! Chloe won a free bottle of champagne for best impersonation: Tina Turner, no less. What the judge didn’t realise was she hadn’t perfected Miss Turner’s walk, it was the shoes she was wearing having lived in her wellies since the move her feet were banging in the heels. Still, free booze is not to be sniffed at. We bumped into Jenny Higgins, she was the head girl at school, still as smug as ever but definitely packing a little more junk in the trunk, lol. Clearly in denial as she flounced about telling all and sundry she’s still a size 10, right up to the moment her 5 inch heel touched the very polished dance floor and she stacked it, her mini skirt ripped, and hanging open exposing her massive arse, pml. There is a God! xx

  Julie, as predicted, (lived in hope she wouldn’t) at the mere intro of Michael Jackson began her robotic moves, propelling me back 25 years to the exact feeling of mortification. Chloe left bright and early, looking as rough as shark shit and still limping. Elizabeth has gone back to Jemima’s.

  Leg wax at 2pm.The pain will not be enough to distract me from the joyous memory of Higgins going arse over tit.

  Think I’ll have an early night; feeling a bit funny.

  Sunday 26th February 2014

  Dinner at Andy and Jess’s.

  I’m still feeling little bit dodgy from the tequila slammers. Seriously, how old am I? xx

  Going round Andy and Jessica’s for dinner; God, I hope I don’t throw up.

  Elizabeth texted me to say she’d arrived safely back in the Big Apple.

  I managed to eat without razzing round Andy’s and Jessica’s then had an instant recovery when Julie rang to tell me that when the alarms in Mickey’s had been tripped at four this morning, the police arrived to find Jenny Higgins wandering around, having been locked in after passing out in the toilet, because she’d drunk herself into a stupor from shaming face plant. They held her at the station for three hours until she’d convinced them she wasn’t casing the joint. I’m growing more and more religious every day: thank you, Lord.

  Monday 27th February 2014

  Joe football.

  Shopping.

  Went for a potter in town and remembered there was a jacket I liked in Dolly Birds, but wasn’t prepared to pay £175 for it, so given that they were having a sale I hoped it would be there, so in I went. Interestingly it was in the sale, except the price tag now said ‘Was £225, Now Only £199’! Now I’m no grade A mathematician but that aint right, if indeed legal, is it? Clever though. Almost as clever as the other scam we sussed several years ago. The most popular shop on the High Street neither sells great quality nor the most attractive clothing and is ridiculously expensive, yet a lot of women keep on going there. Me and Julie never gain any weight so I can buy an 8 from any shop or market stall and it fits; likewise with Julie’s size 10, yet an 8 from this particular shop falls off me. Literally. Clever, eh! Bigger birds can fit into smaller sizes, makes them feel better and they can show disbelieving friends the tag, proving they’re not as ‘big’ as some have bitched.

  Tuesday 28th February 2014

  Met Julie for coffee and decided we’d have it sat in the park. We were soon joined by the tramps hoping to cadge a fiver. Julie can’t stand scroungers so politely said, ‘Piss off, mate.’ This triggered the sm
aller of the bunch to shout at the one who was scrounging that he’d offended the lady. Lady? Ooh, funny. Scrounger retaliated, and the next minute they’re having a full on punch-up. They fell on Julie, she starts heaving at the stench then she gets one bloke in a headlock. As I step in to help she swings her right fist, misses Stinky and smacks me in the mouth. I swear you cannot buy this shit, we laughed for a good half an hour before she insisted we had to get home and burn our clothing.

  Using the sympathy card of my split lip I tried to con Joe out of the cash for a new settee. Got some old codswallop about the suite being only two years old! That man is tighter than a camel’s arse in a sandstorm, makes me sick!

  Wednesday 29th February 2014

  Hairdresser 5pm.

  Window cleaner.

  So far all Elizabeth has done is stole the odd kiss, but has now decided she wants this man. The penny has finally dropped and she now knows what Veronica and Matilda were hinting at with the exchange of glances, claiming to be not so stupid as to think this attention is only aimed at her, and says she can play nicely and share. Is promiscuous catching?

  Julie is calling Liz tonight; this should be interesting if Elizabeth tells her what she’s been up to. If it was me I wouldn’t say nowt. Never give Julie petrol for the fire.

  Thursday 1st March 2014

  Chloe and Elizabeth will be arriving here around 2pm having roped them in for the France trip on Saturday. Girls’ night at Tina’s tomorrow, should really cancel as we’ve gotta be at the coach stop for 4am Saturday, lol. So not gonna happen. xx

  Had a great idea for the parents that don’t wanna pay child maintenance; well, they do, but don’t trust the ex will spend it on the kids and not themselves. Why don’t the government set up something like a catalogue system that maintenance goes into an account and the parent with the custody can order items needed, like clothing, beds, etc. Genius.

  Saturday 3rd March 2014

  France trip leaves 4am.

  As guessed we did have girls’ night at Tina’s as planned. We unanimously decided we’d stay up all night, so I am knackered, but I shall sleep like a baby now. Who’d have thought an ordinary day in France could bring such joy? Or maybe I need to get a life? having had to grit my teeth when Jenny Higgins had boarded the coach, believing the trip was gonna be hell, I was rewarded thrice-fold when upon arrival in Paris, Jenny rushed to the loo and came out declaring in her snotty belittling tone how the French have weird hand basins. myself having been to France on several occasions could feel the demonic smile spread across my face as I had the greatest pleasure telling her that the toilets were unisex and that she had in fact washed her hands in the gents’ urinal. I almost pitied her as she begged me to keep this between ourselves. Yeah, right. xx

  Monday 5th March 2014

  Joe football.

  Shopping.

  It’s Monday! or as it’s now known, Doctor Day. Chris has had two nosebleeds over the weekend so I’m guessing she was the first through the surgery doors this morning. She gets here at nine to tell me the doc has ruled out haemophilia as the blood clearly clotted, and has reluctantly taken blood to test for leukaemia which was Chris’s second choice, lol.

  Kids nowadays are brainy but have not a scrap of common sense: Tony’s mate argued vehemently with me that prawns were a vegetable, chicken is not meat, To think these are the people who will be caring for us one day.

  Tuesday 6th March 2014

  Pancake Day.

  One burnt frying pan,2pound of sugar in carpet, and two grease spots on ceiling ‒ not bad, considering Joe was involved.

  Wednesday 7th March 2014

  Taking grandkids shopping.

  Chloe and Liz arriving 2pm.

  It’s Tina’s 40thbirthday tomorrow: she’s out having dinner with Mark, the rest of us are over Caroline’s who is having an Ann Summers party. Friday we’re all at Manero’s club and Saturday Mark’s throwing her a party at Rifles which all couples are going to. Probably be dead by Sunday, lol.

  Sunday 11th March 2014

  I’m no prude but it amazes me that in the right situation a female will not only admit to having one, but will report on the performance and durability of their sex aids, like at these ‘buying parties’ as now they think they’re in the company of fellow users. Er, no, truth be known, most of us are only there for a girls’ piss-up with a few laughs. Even Caroline was a bit stunned when her neighbour told us how she’s got one of everything, that her husband works away and she misses him. Fair enough, but on further questioning her sister said the husband is only ever away for one night at a time. Get a life, luv. Apart from how scary some of these gadgets look, one in particular resembled a neon cactus that vibrates spins and bends. The noise? Hardly discreet. Each to their own, for who am I to judge? But please, what’s up with the birds who go shopping with things shoved in their drawers, or worse. How sad are you? What if they got hit by a bus? The shame in the Emergency Department. Sure I read somewhere that marriages can be destroyed as men take real offence to their women needing something other than them to get off on. Not for me, thanks.

  Friday I’d made a start on the grandkids’ costumes for Book Day: Sam wants to be Captain Hook; Connor, Tic Toc; and Daisy, Tinkerbell. No pressure then. Julie arrived at mine around seven, closely followed by the others, and we headed off to Manero’s. This being Jenny Higgins’s favourite haunt I was relieved but undeniable surprised to find she was missing; elation followed as her mate informed me that as Jenny was getting ready she’d been distracted by a mouse that had legged it out from under her bed while she had the curling tongs on her fringe, and she has literally burnt the whole fringe off. Mate, if laughing is a punishable sin I shall surely burn in hell. xx

  Paul arrived at one on Saturday where he accompanied Joe and the guys at Flannigan’s; all were under strict instructions not to come back bladdered as we had to be at rifles for 7.30 for Tina’s party. The whole night was excellent and I live to tell the tale, unlike Joe who at this moment is unconscious on the sofa after spewing his ring up. Chloe and Paul slinked off to the station at nine this morning, decked out in sunglasses; Elizabeth and Arthur departed soon after, and Julie is still in Leigh’s room trying to sleep off a bottle of Jack Daniels, lol

  As for me, there’s clearly no rest for the wicked so I’m running around after everyone else.

  Monday 12th March 2014

  Nan’s birthday.

  Popped in the supermarket to see Caroline this morning to be told that apparently gimp boy Jonathon had been busted for masturbating at the till as he served customers. He’s new to the cashier position, having worked in the bakery, and was removed for masturbating in the store room next to the flour bags, lol. What did management think was gonna happen, or did they think it was the smell of bread that turned him on? Bet they don’t sack him! Full name Jonathon Higgins, brother of said slapper, married to store manager.

  Speaking of slappers, no Julie for a week: she’s jetted off to Italy in Charles’s private jet on business. She should marry him, Christ knows he’s asked enough times. Let’s face it, any man that accepts that girl with all her shortcomings is a great catch.

  Joe still has got a hangover. I’m not convinced it’s not just an excuse to get out of dinner at Mum’s tonight for Nan’s 77th birthday. Tough shit, he’s going.

  Wednesday 14th March 2014

  Sandra’s birthday.

  Yesterday was a good day, having cashed in my belated Christmas present of one Indian head massage.

  Tension was soon back this morning as Leigh reminded me I’d agreed to go shopping with her this morning. In fairness it was quite an easy trip, assisted by the fact there was nothing that caught her eye. I on the other hand have purchased more knickers. Why? I don’t know. I need help.

  Will be going to Sandra’s around six tonight to drop off her birthday presents. Can’t believe she’s old enough to be Chloe’s mu
m: at fifty-nine she looks more like forty-five. Bet she don’t have bingos.

  Thursday 15th March 2014

  St Patrick’s Day, Flannigan’s 7.30pm.

  We’re all off to Flannigan’s tonight; I probably won’t be coherent for 48 hours, the Irish are bad enough when it’s not St Patricks Day, lol.

  Can hear squeaking again. I’ll save that information for Joe until tomorrow, don’t want to ruin his night out. Come to think of it there is a lot of mousy activity at the moment: first neighbour Mary‒ well, in fairness, that was tights ‒ then there was Higgins and the fringe incident, lol. Oh, very lol.

  Sunday 18th March 2014

  Sean’s 32nd birthday.

  Friday’s girls night was cancelled out of respect for Abigail as it was the 35th anniversary of her mum’s death, bless her. Abigail was only nine when she died. I know I moan about my mum but for all her faults I’m lucky to have her.

  Me and Joe decided we’d bugger off to the caravan Friday night. Andy, Jessica and the kids joined us on Saturday morning. We got back home about four o’clock today; I’d forgotten it was Joe’s brother’s birthday. Surprise surprise, they’re going Flannigan’s. Good luck boys, it’s Sunday.