First Friends

by Marcia Willett

  One morning, arriving a little late having taken the twins to Cass, she saw Pam coming out of the shop and her fear had taken the form of an offhand brittleness which puzzled Alex and then, as he jumped to all sorts of conclusions, made him angry. They had had a row and, although they had very quickly sorted themselves out, it had left Kate badly shaken. In order to justify her behaviour she had admitted that she suffered dreadful jealousy from time to time and that she feared that she might lose him. This, she knew, was putting weapons into his hands but she felt that she must hold nothing back. She had been reluctant to leave him, frightened that such misunderstanding could occur and, instead of going straight back to collect the twins, she did as she had so often done at times of crisis. She went to the General.

  ‘I know I’m being unfair to Alex,’ she said, sitting at the kitchen table while he made some tea. ‘The trouble is that my head is just going round and round and I need someone standing away from us to tell me if I’m trying to have it all ways. My main fear is that Mark could use it as an opportunity to bring me down and get the twins. But secondly, if I’m honest, I have a horror of actually telling the twins. You know, saying the words. To boys of that age, falling in love with someone is something one’s own mother doesn’t do. I’m terrified that they may see it as something, well, sort of grubby.’

  ‘Oh, my dear.’ The General looked at her compassionately. ‘It’s a very tricky situation, I quite see that, but I can’t help feeling that your fears may be unfounded. Surely it’s unlikely that Mark would want to disturb his career by any sort of court case? After all, other things may come out that would not be beneficial to him. And why should he want to take the twins away from you? He shows very little interest in them and what would he do with them? You talk of his mother but she’s not a young person. Would she want them while he’s at sea? It’s one thing to have them for a week or two and quite another on a full-time basis. I think that any judge would want proof of a far closer relationship than Mark has with his boys to take them away from a loving and caring mother. And the twins aren’t babies, remember. If they were asked their opinion, you may be sure that they’d give it.’

  ‘How comforting you are,’ said Kate gratefully. ‘It sounds very logical. I thought of him doing it out of spite, you see.’

  ‘But you’re not allowing for Mark’s character. From what I know of him I can’t imagine Mark taking any steps without long and careful thought. He would see that any personal satisfaction he might gain would be far outweighed by future responsibilities. I think you have nothing to fear.’

  ‘And what about the twins?’

  The General made the tea and pondered. ‘Do they know that your marriage with Mark is quite over?’

  ‘Well, not as such. I think they’ve guessed but I’ve glossed over it a bit. It’s so easy with Mark always having been at sea. They probably think that he comes home sometimes when they’re at school and of course he’s never written to them. He writes to me about financial matters and I give them his love and things like that even though he doesn’t.’

  ‘Then I think that the first step would be to tell them that your marriage to Mark is over and has been for some time. That should be made clear. They will accept Alex more readily if he is not thought to be the reason for the break up. Children prefer the status quo and rather resent anyone who upsets it. You’ve made their lives happy and secure within the insecurities of service life and their first requirement will be that you should go on doing it. Your happiness, I fear, will be a secondary consideration.’

  Kate laughed. ‘Now that I totally believe! No talk of divorce yet, then?’

  ‘Not yet. Let it all sink in and then Alex can start to take his place in all your lives in a more normal way. If that’s what you truly want.’

  He turned away to make the tea, hoping that his anxiety didn’t show. He could see that Alex’s display of temper had distressed her and he had a real fear that she might rush into things before she was ready for them.

  Kate was silent for a moment, sitting quite straight in her chair, her hands linked loosely on the table.

  ‘I don’t know,’ she said at last. ‘In some ways it doesn’t seem real. It’s wonderful when the twins aren’t there or all the time it’s a secret. But it’s as if it doesn’t belong to real life. Today it was rather sordid. Alex and I screaming at one another and me being jealous. I felt guilty at misjudging him and he said bitter things about me wanting my cake and eating it.’

  ‘Sadly, relationships have to stand up against the harsh winds of the outside world. They have to be tested against the rules and standards of real life, which is why holiday and shipboard romances so rarely work.’ The General turned to look at her. ‘It’s bound to take time. The great thing is to learn from past experience. Not to go jumping from the frying pan into the fire.’

  Kate looked at him. She was very serious.

  ‘D’you think that’s what I’m doing?’

  ‘Oh, my dear. How can I possibly tell? You’ve had a bit of a mauling and I want to see you happy. It’s so easy, you see, to go from one extreme to the other. If you’ve been denied certain aspects of love within a relationship, the tendency is to grasp these in the next one, ignoring the fact that there will be other drawbacks which may be just as difficult to live with.’ He shook his head. ‘It’s impossible to know what is right for someone else. All I would say is, don’t rush it. Give it time. And if it’s the right thing for you the moment will come when you’ll know. If it’s right, it’ll come, have no fear. If you are patient and are working for good, the right moment always presents itself.’

  ‘What should I do without you?’ Kate took her tea and smiled up at him. ‘Let’s hope that a right moment presents itself in which I can repay all your kindnesses. As far as I’m concerned, you’ve always been working for good.’

  ‘Oh, if only that were true. I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “old sins cast long shadows.” Lots of cancelling out to do yet.’

  ‘I don’t believe it. I shall be looking for the right moment.’

  He smiled down at her and Kate saw the likeness to Cass leap up in that much older face. On an impulse, she set down her cup and, jumping up, she went to him and hugged him tightly, her face buried in his jersey. He stood holding her, stroking her hair as he did with the children.

  ‘I love you,’ she said, muffled. ‘I love you so much I simply don’t know how I’d manage without you and it’s just occurred to me that ‘I don’t even know your name. All my life you’ve been Cass’s pa or the General.’ She leaned back to look up at him and saw that he looked surprised. ‘What is your name?’

  ‘My dear, I assumed you knew it. Cass named her eldest son after me, you see. My name’s Oliver.’

  CASS WAS GIVING A little lunch party: Abby, Liz and Harriet. Abby and Liz were both vastly pregnant, their babies due on the same date. This was not surprising as they had both been conceived on the night of Cass’s party. Nobody mentioned the fact that at the time Liz and Tony weren’t married. They all knew that they’d been around together since the previous summer and left it at that. Harriet was rather quiet.

  They’d reached the coffee stage, that moment of desultory conversation and pleasant idleness.

  ‘William’s told me that I must have a boy this time,’ said Abby, yawning a little. ‘Ever since his father died, he’s become very feudal. I don’t see why poor old Sophie shouldn’t inherit the estate but it’s entailed. Does Tony mind what you have, Liz?

  ‘I don’t think so.’ Pregnancy made Liz look drawn. ‘Nor do I, really. I’m just glad that it’s due before we go to Faslane.’

  ‘I must say that I’m very glad not to have to move around any more,’ said Cass, going round the table to fill up the coffee cups. ‘Liz off to Faslane and Harriet going to Gosport. Mind you, I always enjoyed it there. Dear old Dolphin, always something going on. We shall miss you. I know that Tom will especially.’ She noticed the flush on Harriet’s cheek as she bent t
o fill her cup. ‘He always looks for you at parties. You must keep in touch. Come and stay when Ralph’s at sea. You too, Liz, although it’s a bit of a way from Faslane, especially with a sprog. Never mind, you’ll both be back before long.’ She sat down again at the table.

  ‘When William came out of the Army to take over the estate,’ said Abby, ‘I was a bit miffed. Life in the country seemed terribly dreary. But I like it now. I don’t think I’d like to be on the move all the time.’

  ‘The excitement tends to wear off after a bit,’ agreed Cass. ‘We all settle down in the end, though. The question is, where?’ She seemed to be addressing Harriet and it was she who answered.

  ‘Ralph thinks he’d like Lee-on-Solent. He’s mad on sailing and it’s perfect for it there and only just down the road from Dolphin.’ She looked even more depressed at the thought and Cass drank her coffee thoughtfully.

  ‘I think that Tony will come back here if he can,’ said Liz. ‘I hope we will. All my family’s here and I love Devon.’

  ‘Well, we’ll have a little party before you go. Chaps as well. What do you think?’ Cass smiled at Harriet. ‘Tom would be very upset if you went off without saying goodbye. Give these two chance to whelp down and we’ll have a farewell thrash.’

  Harriet looked as if she might burst into tears and Cass got up.

  ‘The children seem very quiet. I can always trust Charlotte but I think that we’d better check that all is well. Let’s have a wander into the garden.’

  ONCE AGAIN, BEFORE THE summer holidays were over, the twins were asked to Cheltenham and Kate, taking the General’s advice, gathered up her courage and told them that she and Mark would never live together again.

  ‘The trouble was,’ she told them, ‘that we weren’t suited but we were very young when we got married and we didn’t realise it until it was too late. I know it’s very upsetting but I hope that he and I can still be friends and that it won’t make your lives too difficult. It’s not as if you’ve ever seen much of him and you can still visit him whenever you want to.’

  ‘Does that mean we needn’t go to Cheltenham if we don’t want to?’ asked Giles, looking hopeful.

  ‘Does that mean you’re going to get a divorce?’ asked Guy, looking wary.

  ‘Yes. No,’ said Kate and she laughed. ‘Sorry. I mean that there’s no talk of a divorce as yet although I expect we shall sometime, and yes, I think that you should go to Cheltenham to see Mark and Granny and Grandpa. I think that they’d be hurt if you didn’t. After all, just because Mark and I don’t live together any more doesn’t mean that you need feel any differently about him.’

  ‘Does anyone at school know?’ asked Guy suspiciously.

  ‘Will you ever marry anyone else?’ asked Giles anxiously.

  ‘No. Yes. Oh, dear. I’m sorry. No, I don’t think anyone knows at school. I’ve never discussed it with anyone so I don’t see how they could know and yes, I probably will marry again one day but you’ll know all about it and it’s nothing to worry about yet.’

  ‘Why can’t we just go on like this?’ asked Guy, sounding belligerent.

  ‘What if you marry someone who isn’t right again?’ asked Giles, sounding frightened.

  ‘We shall be going on like this,’ said Kate as calmly as she could. ‘Nothing will be changing. Why should it? We’ve been separated for nearly two years. I just thought that the time has come when you should know exactly where we all stand. You’ll carry on at school as usual and we’ll go on living here and I shall go on working with Alex. If I get married again, I shall think about it much more carefully than I did before. I’m much older now and I hope that I know what sort of person I can be happy with—and you, too, of course. It will be important that it’s someone we all like but it won’t happen while you’re at Mount House so don’t worry about it.’

  She saw Guy relax and smiled at them. ‘I don’t want to upset you but I felt it was right you should know before you went to Cheltenham. Mark might have said something, thinking that you knew.’

  ‘I don’t want to go,’ said Giles tearfully. ‘If you aren’t going to be married any more I don’t see why I need to.’

  Kate’s heart sank. ‘They all like to see you,’ she began.

  ‘They don’t!’ he cried in a high passionate voice. ‘ Granny does. But Grandpa and Dad don’t. Grandpa just grunts and Dad says I’m a sissy!’

  Kate pulled Giles into her arms and looked a question at Guy who still wore a closed expression.

  ‘He took us to the fair,’ he said reluctantly. ‘And Giles didn’t want to go on the Big Dipper. Dad said he was a sissy and said he’d have to wait all on his own while we went on it.’

  ‘It was dark.’ Giles looked up at her, his eyes huge with remembered horror. ‘And there were lots of strange people. He laughed and said watch out that I didn’t get kidnapped.’ A thrill ran through his body and Kate felt a hot surge of rage and hate twist her gut.

  ‘So he came with us,’ said Guy after a moment when Giles seemed unable to speak. ‘And he was sick all over Dad’s legs.’

  ‘Serve him right,’ said Kate lightly. ‘Big bully. Do you want to go, Guy?’

  He shrugged. ‘Don’t mind. Granny’s all right. Grandpa’s boring. Dad’s OK if you don’t wind him up. I don’t like it when he gets in a bate.’

  ‘Surely with Granny and Grandpa there he doesn’t get cross?’ Kate still hugged Giles.

  Guy made a face. ‘Not really. It’s when we go out on our own with him. He goes on about things. He’s OK really.’

  Kate thought quickly. She knew that if Mark felt that she was withholding the twins he might become unpleasant and the worse it would be for them. After all, she couldn’t stop him seeing them unless she explained why in a court of law. It was an intolerable situation.

  ‘Do you think you could be terribly brave and go this time?’ she asked Giles. ‘If you don’t want to go out with him tell Granny that you don’t feel well or something. You see, while he pays your school fees, he has a right to see you. If we divorced it might be a bit different.’ She paused, not wanting to go into all the legal ins and outs.

  ‘D’you mean if I don’t go to Cheltenham I’d have to leave Mount House?’ Giles was staring at her in consternation.

  ‘Not exactly,’ said Kate slowly, ‘but Mark would want to know why and then it might mean that it would all have to be done legally. I’d have to get the court to order him to pay the fees. The Navy pay a lot of it, of course . . . ’

  ‘I’ll go,’ said Giles quickly. ‘Don’t go to court. I’ll go. It’ll be all right, I expect.’

  ‘I’m sorry, darling,’ said Kate desperately. ‘Guy will be there and it’s only for a week.’

  ‘It’s all right,’ he said dully, pulling away from her.

  Kate got to her feet. ‘I’ve got an idea. What d’you say we go into Plymouth to see Star Wars? If we get our skates on we just might make it.’

  ‘Oh great!’ Their faces lit up, woes forgotten. ‘Terrific!’

  ‘Quick then. I’ll organise the dogs and afterwards we’ll go and have a Wimpy.’

  Later, as she sat between the rapt twins who were engrossed in the exploits of Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader, she wondered if she had the right to send Giles to Cheltenham. What were the rights and wrongs in such a situation? Which would be most harmful: to expose him to a bully for a week or to take him away from a school where he was happy and had lots of friends?

  She sighed. At least the first step was over without too much trauma and, with Cheltenham behind them, they could go forward on the next stage of the journey.

  THE BARBECUE FOR THE twins’ birthday had become an institution.

  ‘The trouble is,’ said Kate who had dropped in to deliver her share of the goodies, ‘that when things happen on a regular basis they mark the passing of time so relentlessly. You start saying things like “this time last year so-and-so” and you realise that you’re getting old and that the years are going so quickly.’r />
  ‘I always did say,’ observed Cass, unpacking the basket, ‘that it should have been you who was named Cassandra. Nothing but doom and gloom. Anyway, it’s been a good year. What with the Great Educational Debate and The Divorce Question all settled, we haven’t done too badly.’

  ‘No. And Cheltenham passed without any ructions. I can hardly believe that this will be the twins’ last year at Mount House.’

  ‘You’ve definitely decided on Blundells?’ Cass put the packets of beefburgers into the fridge.

  ‘I think so. If they pass their Common Entrance, of course. By the way, I saw Felicity in Creber’s the other day. She overcame her fear of contamination to tell me that she’s off to Dartmouth. Couldn’t resist bragging about Mark II getting the submariner’s job. It’ll be nice to have her off my back for a year or two. She’s got a little clique in Tavistock who cut me dead and then whisper furiously when I’ve passed.’

  ‘It’s based on fear, really. Want a cuppa? Shove the kettle on then. You’ve broken out, you see. A woman living alone. They’re probably all scared that you’re going to set your cap at their boring old husbands!’

  ‘You can’t be serious!’ Kate went to fill the kettle. ‘Having escaped one submariner I’m hardly likely to seek out another! I’m not a masochist. Once is quite enough. Coming back with all their clothes ponging of diesel, ghastly cocktail parties . . . ’

  ‘Do you remember when you dropped your pâté down Mrs Captain SM’s dress?’