The First Time Mums' Club

by Lucie Wheeler

  ‘Shit,’ Ellie whispered as she reached across the sofa and held Zoe’s hand.

  ‘I couldn’t bring a baby into that environment. I had spent months gearing up to leaving him because he was,’ she swallowed, ‘he was physical with me.’

  ‘Zoe…’ Ellie breathed out. She felt distraught for her sister, but underneath a bubble of anger was beginning to brew.

  ‘It’s fine. I’m not with him now.’ She tried to laugh, but it came out strained.

  ‘So you got an abortion?’

  ‘I’m not proud of my decision and I regret it every single day. But I just couldn’t bring a baby into that. I was worried sick that he would hurt the baby and then I would be the worst mum in the world because I couldn’t stop it happening.’

  ‘Oh Zoe, why didn’t you tell me?’

  She shook her head. ‘It doesn’t matter. I didn’t want anyone else to know. I was ashamed of being so weak to let things get to that stage.’

  ‘It’s not weak, Zoe. For Christ sake, it’s him who should be feeling shitty, not you!’ She felt the anger building. ‘Who was he?’

  ‘It doesn’t matter –’

  ‘It does bloody matter; he deserves to be in prison for what he did.’ Her voice was shaky, but controlled. For now.

  ‘Ellie, it doesn’t matter. It was years ago and I’m okay. He can’t hurt me any more; I’m a different person to who I was back then. I’m stronger.’

  ‘When was it?’ She shuffled in her seat, still making sure she held Zoe’s hand, not letting go of her. She never wanted to let go of her. She should have been here for her when it happened and she didn’t think she could ever forgive herself for not.

  ‘Not long after Mum died.’

  Ellie gasped, feeling the tears spring to her eyes.

  ‘I wasn’t coping very well and he came along and was so charming. I think he could sense that I was weak. He said all the right things I needed to hear and I let my guard down. It took me about six months to realise that I was in too deep and had become reliant on him. He knew it too. So he started to get heavy-handed if I didn’t do what he wanted and it just went downhill.’

  ‘Oh God, Zoe. Why didn’t you tell me, or Dad? He would’ve gone mad.’

  ‘That’s exactly why I didn’t tell him. But then I found out I was pregnant and that night we had an argument and he pushed me and I fell down the stairs.’

  ‘Oh my God, when you broke your arm!’ It was a statement rather than a question. Ellie remembered when Zoe came to visit and she had her arm in a cast. ‘You said you fell down the stairs.’

  ‘And I did. I just… had a little help.’ She looked down into her lap, clearly ashamed. ‘Ellie, I couldn’t bring a baby into that.’

  ‘I know. You did the right thing.’ She rubbed her thumb over Zoe’s hand.

  ‘Didn’t feel like the right thing.’

  ‘I can’t believe you went through all that on your own.’

  ‘I didn’t want anyone to see how stupid I had been.’ She coughed and composed herself, ‘Listen, all I’m saying is that you need to think long and hard before doing anything stupid. Because what you decide now will affect you for the rest of your life. Whatever you decide, just make sure it’s the right decision for you.’

  ‘Is that what you think we would’ve thought? That you had been stupid? Zoe, you are a lot of things, but stupid isn’t one of them.’

  ‘I got myself into that situation, didn’t I? That was stupid.’

  ‘No, that was grief. It does fucked-up things to your mind. I should know – it royally fucked up mine.’ She felt a glimmer of relief that she now knew she wasn’t the only one to have let it get to her, though. When she thought Zoe was handling life perfectly well, underneath she was crumbling too. And as horrible as that was, it was comforting to know.

  ‘I can’t blame grief for my poor mistakes.’

  ‘Yes you bloody can. Zoe, you are not a machine – you cannot programme yourself to just erase things. You are human.’

  ‘Yes, but you have to take responsibility for your actions in life and that relationship was one bad decision after another – it was as if I was possessed. I could see myself spiralling further into despair, but I felt powerless to do anything about it. Until it was too late.’ She looked into her lap, ashamed.

  ‘Honey, you are allowed to make mistakes. It’s okay. Feel free to take the baton from me for a bit – I’m in my overdraft from the Bank of Mistakes!’ The girls both laughed and it helped to lighten the air. Ellie smiled. It was the first time in her whole life that she had seen that her big sister was not the perfect human being she had made her out to be. Whilst that was clearly a hard concept for her sister to deal with, it did make Ellie feel closer to her. As though a barrier had lifted out of the way – they weren’t so different after all.

  All too quickly, though, their conversation drifted back to Ellie and the latest mistake she had made. After hearing her sister’s story, she knew that she couldn’t get rid of this baby. Deep down she never wanted to anyway.

  ‘I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to get rid of the baby – I don’t know that that was even what I was thinking – but I am terrified. I can’t be a mum. I can barely look after myself!’ She huffed and put her head in her hands. ‘How would you deal with this situation?’ Even though she knew her sister was no longer perfect, she was more perfect than Ellie would ever be.

  ‘You know what I would do first?’ Ellie’s phone began to ring just as Zoe opened her mouth to speak. Both girls looked at the phone flashing on the coffee table with the one name Ellie didn’t want to see. Zoe pointed at it. ‘That. That is what I would do first.’ She stood up and squeezed Ellie’s knee. ‘Come on, you need to talk to him. He deserves to know.’ Zoe stood to leave, but Ellie sprung up and pulled her in for a hug. She squeezed her so tight.

  ‘I am so sorry you had to go through all that without me, Zoe. I promise I will always be here for you. No matter what.’

  Zoe squeezed her back and then pulled away, looking Ellie in the eyes. ‘I know you will. Now do the right thing.’ She squeezed Ellie’s shoulder and left the living room, closing the door so she could give Ellie the privacy she needed to get this phone call out of the way.

  Ellie picked up her mobile and took a shaky intake of breath before pressing the answer key. ‘Hi Chris.’

  ‘About bloody time! Where the hell have you been?’

  ‘Sorry, things are just a bit manic at the moment. I’m at my sister’s. Needed a break.’ Her heart was racing so fast. She took another sip of coffee to calm her nerves.

  ‘At your sister’s? In Shropshire? When did that happen?’

  ‘Friday.’

  Chris paused. ‘So why do you need a break. Surely work isn’t going that badly?’

  ‘No, work was fine. Is fine,’ she corrected quickly. ‘I just, have some stuff going on and I needed some time to, you know, sort my head.’

  ‘Have you stopped being weird with me now?’ He laughed and Ellie felt a surge of affection for him. She missed him.

  ‘I wasn’t being weird.’ This conversation was probably one of the most awkward conversations they had ever had. She was avoiding the big elephant in the room and she needed to tell him. Thing is, the words just weren’t coming out. She physically couldn’t say the one thing she so desperately needed to say. Before she knew it, she blurted out, ‘Can we meet?’

  ‘Meet up? In Shropshire? I can’t come all that way today, Els, I have an early start tomorrow and a million meetings planned.’

  ‘Right…’ Disappointment dripped from that one word and Chris obviously picked up on it.

  ‘Is everything okay? You are being weird.’

  ‘Yes, its fine. I’m fine.’

  ‘Look, how about this? We meet halfway? Go for some lunch somewhere in Milton Keynes?’

  Ellie thought about this for a second and then replied, ‘Actually, that’s not a bad idea. What time?’

  ‘Well, I need to ju
mp in the shower and that, so let’s say one? I’ll google a place and text you where to meet me.’

  ‘Okay. No problem. See you in a few hours.’

  ‘Oh, Ellie?’

  She stopped pacing. ‘Yes?’

  ‘Try and cheer up. It’s not the end of the world.’

  No, she thought. But it may as well be.

  *****

  ‘Do you know what I fancy?’ Imogen put down her menu and looked at Alice thoughtfully.

  ‘Me?’ Came the reply with a cheeky grin. Her hair was down today, as opposed to being scraped back, which was how she usually wore it for work, and she looked so beautiful. With a cute little t-shirt under a jacket and tight jeans, Alice looked casual but really pretty.

  Imogen laughed. ‘Yes, of course. But I did mean foodwise.’

  ‘I know, I’m just messing. What do you fancy? It’s not going to be some weird concoction is it? I’m sure that doesn’t start this early.’

  ‘No,’ Imogen shook her head. ‘Nothing weird… yet. I really fancy a prawn sandwich.’

  Alice turned her nose up in disgust. ‘Urgh, I can’t stand prawns. Especially not in bread. I mean, what is that about? The weird consistency of the slimy prawns on the dry bread… nope, can’t do it.’ She shook her head.

  ‘Slimy? No wonder you don’t like it if you are using slimy prawns!’ Imogen grimaced, shivering slightly at the thought.

  ‘You know what I mean. They’re all slippery and… and…’ she searched for the right word, using her hand as if that would help her brain, and settled for ‘fleshy.’

  ‘You’re making my prawn sandwich sound like a horror movie,’ Imogen giggled and picked up the menu again. ‘Maybe I’ll go for something else. It doesn’t sound as appealing now.’

  ‘Sorry, I won’t ruin your next choice.’ She smiled lovingly.

  ‘Hi ladies, are you ready to order?’

  ‘I am, are you ready, Ims?’ Alice flashed the woman a smile before settling back on Imogen.

  She nodded at Alice but indicated that she should go first, to give herself some more time to look.

  ‘I’ll just have a BLT with a cup of tea, please.’ She handed back the menu.

  ‘No problem, and for you?’ The woman looked at Imogen with a beautiful, big smile, the lines around her eyes creasing as she did. She had a simple t-shirt with khaki jeggings on and an apron tied around her waist that had splatters of something brown on. She had her hair tied back into a tiny bun with a few strands loose around her face and she just looked the epitome of friendly.

  ‘I’ll just have a cheese and ham panini please, with a cappuccino.’

  ‘No problem, ladies. I’ll be back in a minute with your drinks and if you need anything else, just give me a shout. My name is Zoe.’ She gave another big smile and walked off.

  ‘Thank you, we will.’ Alice watched Zoe leave and Imogen felt a stab of jealousy. She kept it hidden, though. She knew she was being stupid. She was always the one to feel insecure in their relationship, even though Alice would continually reassure her that no one would ever come close to what they had. It was an insecurity that she guessed stemmed from her mum and the way she had always criticised her and never accepted her just for who she was.

  ‘So this place is nice. When did you come in here?’ Imogen had never even seen this café before.

  ‘Someone at work was talking about it the other day and they recommended it to me. Said I should bring you here. I had a quick peek at it on the internet and it looked nice. Thought it would be a nice treat to have some lunch out today. We need to make the most of it before the baby comes!’

  Imogen couldn’t stop the smile from appearing on her face as Alice spoke about the baby. Their baby. She dreamt about the weekend strolls and spending time together as a family of three. She didn’t even mind about the late-night feeds and constant crying. Well, not yet, anyway. She might be spouting a different story this time next year. ‘I still can’t believe it,’ she said, catching Alice’s eye and feeling warmth course through her body.

  ‘I know. It’s crazy. How are you actually feeling in yourself, though? Any more nausea today? You seemed pretty rough this morning?’

  ‘Yeah, it comes and goes. It’s not too bad today, actually. I just hope I manage to get lunch inside me before it starts again.’

  ‘Well, if you can’t finish your lunch, I’m sure I can help you. Especially now that you’ve seen sense and abandoned the idea of slime in bread. You do look good today, though. Positively glowing!’ Alice stood up. ‘Just going to run to the loo.’ She placed her hand on Imogen’s shoulder as she went past her and gave it a squeeze. It was the little things like that that still sent shivers down Imogen’s spine. She loved how Alice didn’t have to say anything; sometimes just a simple squeeze of the hand on her shoulder could say a thousand words. Their connection was special. Never before had she felt the feelings she did when she was with Alice. She couldn’t describe it. Alice made her feel complete. She felt as if she could face the world as long as she had Alice by her side.

  This was why she had texted her mum the other day. She didn’t tell her about the baby; she just made the connection. Their relationship was a difficult one. Imogen couldn’t always tell what sort of mood her mum was going to be in and how she was going to take her messages. She had received a stroppy message back when she texted so she and Alice had agreed that maybe it was best to keep a distance from her for now. Alice didn’t want Imogen to be stressed out unnecessarily and she saw the texts from Imogen’s mum as completely unnecessary. She didn’t think there was any point in Imogen trying to get her mum to understand because, quite frankly, that was never going to happen. Imogen had her and that was all she needed, according to Alice.

  But, whilst Alice was away in the toilet, Imogen pulled out her phone as it beeped. She had another message from her mum. She had been receiving these stupid messages ever since she had made the first move and she didn’t know what to do. She couldn’t tell Alice, she didn’t need that kind of stress at the moment. Alice would get upset and then confront her mum and it would become a whole big thing, like last time. So she kept it all to herself and she tried her best to smooth the situation, but the fact was, her mum was never going to approve of their relationship and she would always be a problem. She should’ve listened to Alice rather than partake in this back-and-forth battle of words. If she let the poison seep into her relationship, it would fall apart. Not that they weren’t a strong unit, but the venom-laced messages she was starting to get would surely be a cause for anger on Alice’s part and Imogen didn’t need to be arguing with her too. As understanding as Alice was, she just didn’t know what it was like to not have her mum around. So things were just best kept quiet. And whilst she felt less bothered by these texts more recently, now that she was expecting, it gave the situation a bitter sweet tinge.

  She clicked on the message icon and opened it up.

  Imogen, please, don’t ignore me. Like I said before, we can help you. You can come and stay with us until you get back on your feet and she won’t even know you’re here.

  She, was Alice. Imogen’s mum couldn’t bring herself to even say Alice’s name now. It had been about six months since she had last seen her mum in person, and that was such a bad experience, Imogen had steered clear ever since, just exchanging messages and phone calls to keep the peace as much as she could whenever her mum was having a good day. At the end of the day, she was her mum and she didn’t want to just not have her around. She had thought things would get better with time, once her mum realised just how much in love she and Alice were. Maybe she would even accept their relationship. But it hadn’t happened yet. And now she had a baby to throw into the mix. She couldn’t help but think that cutting all ties would be the best answer for her and the baby. Except, she didn’t want to. She wanted her mum. She so desperately wanted to have the supportive mum that everyone else had. She should be sharing messages of elation about the baby with her, rather than nasty nam
e–calling, argumentative ones. It was a constant battle she fought internally with herself.

  Alice joined her back at the table just as Zoe brought over their drinks.

  ‘Here you go, ladies, your food won’t be too much longer.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Alice muttered as she sat down and slid Imogen’s cappuccino over to her. ‘Sugar?’

  Imogen nodded and slipped her phone back into her bag.

  ‘You okay?’ Alice looked at her in confusion. ‘You seem a little off.’

  ‘I’m fine, just tired, that’s all.’

  There was no way a text from her mum was going to ruin their day together. Not in a million years. She would deal with that later.

  Chapter 8

  Ellie let her eyes wander around the restaurant, taking in the calm, rustic feel that the wooden beams and vaulted ceiling projected. The dark browns and deep, golden colours made her feel strangely at ease, as though she was wrapped up in a blanket of tranquillity. Because it was a weekend lunchtime, she had assumed that the restaurant would be busy, bustling with lunchtime trade. But instead, she was seated in a far corner with the surrounding tables empty. She watched the waiting staff as they attended to the tables opposite to where she had been seated; zipping between the kitchen and the customers, carrying different-sized plates and bowls as they scooted around.

  There was one big table of ten people over by the far wall. A birthday, Ellie had deciphered, because of the huge ‘40’ balloon bobbing away in the centre. A continuous stream of laughter kept Ellie feeling more relaxed and made the difference between her staying seated and running a mile. She watched the large table more closely and her attention was caught by a woman at one end who was holding a young baby – the actual reason she was sitting here in the first place hit her again. She had to tell Chris.

  Fear began to seep into her mind as she watched the woman eating with one hand and cradling the baby in the other. She looked happy; that fact alone helped to alleviate some of the distress that was fast building in her mind. The woman was laughing and joking like the rest of them whilst this baby just slept peacefully in her arms. Her interaction hadn’t been compromised. Ellie let herself think about what it would be like for her to actually have this baby. Maybe it would be okay. Maybe this was a blessing in disguise and a baby was what Ellie’s life had been lacking. If she let herself think about it – actually think about it – there was a tiny part of her that was a little bit excited about the prospect of being a mum. Ellie was just starting to relax slightly when movement by the door caught her eye.