The days by his side

by M. C. S

  Settle down with me

  Cover me up, cuddle me in

  Lay down with me, yeah

  And hold me in your arms

  And your heart’s against my chest

  Your lips pressed to my neck

  I’m falling for your eyes, but they don’t know me yet

  And with a feeling I’ll forget, I’m in love now

  Kiss me like you wanna be loved

  This feels like falling in love

  Falling in love, we're falling in love

  And I’ll be your safety, you’ll be my lady

  I was made to keep your body warm

  But I’m cold as the wind blows

  So hold me in your arms

  Yeah, I’ve been feeling everything

  From hate to love, from love to lust, from lust to truth

  I guess that’s how I know you

  So hold you close to help you give it up

  So kiss me, Elle, the way you want to be loved.

  PS: I'm waiting for you in front of the school.

  I never expected to receive anything like this from Benjamin. Not in one of the most beautiful dreams I have ever had with him. The paper was shaking on my hands as soon as I finished reading the last word. I froze in the middle of the schoolyard, trying to believe every word written on that single piece of paper. As the students turned away from me, someone took the paper from my hand without me noticing who had approached. I feared for the worst, so I wondered what would become of me if that paper fell into the wrong hands.

  My heart beat faster, but its pace slowed as I realized that the student was Carla, who read each sentence silently. She divided the attention between me and the note. Her look of surprise and doubt exposed the way I felt. If all that was written was real, or it was our mind that was tricking on us, but of course it could not have had the same effect on both of us. Carla threw her blond hair that had fallen over her shoulder back. She smiled and held my hands, trying to make them stop shaking.

  “Elle!” she called me, bringing me to reality. “This is an invitation. Ben is waiting for you, you have to run before he leaves, thinking you didn't have the courage to go talk to him.”

  “What about my mother?” I asked, my voice shaking.

  “I'll keep an eye on her. As soon as she leaves, I'll text you.”

  “But you’ll miss the bus.”

  “Elle! Stop worrying. When will you get another chance like this? You dreamed about this day practically your entire adolescence. Sure, it wasn't that way, but what he's doing is amazing. And if you don't talk to him right now, I won't talk to you anymore. I'm serious.”

  “You are not.”

  “Do you want me to drag you to him?” Carla gave me a slight push, implying that I should hurry. “Go, Elle,” Carla said, her voice a little harsh.

  I walked slowly to the school gate. A chill in the belly accompanying me. As soon as I reached the gate I looked back. I watched Carla with her arms crossed. She was serious, I am sure if I did not hurry, she would really drag me to Benjamin.

  The front of the school was full of students and parents. The noise of several people talking at once took a little of my apprehension. My eyes searched for Benjamin. I would not find him easily, because of his condition, his height would not be visible to me, and he did not define a location. Until I saw... A guy jumping around, trying to be more visible than the crowd of people around him. He waved at me. I made a disdainful face and turned my back on him. Then he called my name, concluded that it was really my attention that he was trying to draw.

  “Elle!” I turned back and could see Marcos lowering his head, was talking to someone. I do not know what this abominable being was doing here. And what exactly did he want with me? I looked at the paper in my hand and tried to imagine Marcos writing those words. I kneaded the paper, then regretted that it really was Ben's handwriting, including all the scribbling that came with it. An income text on my cell phone eliminated my suspicions.

  — It's me. Marcos is with me. And no, he didn't steal my cell phone and sent you this message.

  It made me uncomfortable to know that Marcos was part of it. I do not like him, and he does not like me. Simple as that. So he did not have to know about my "relationship" with Ben. I considered not to talk to Ben, but through the school gate grid, I could still spot Carla, looking defiantly at me. I took a deep breath and excused myself from all the people who were blocking me from reaching Benjamin. As my proximity to him became more remarkable, my nervousness increased. My hands were sweating, and my throat was dry. As soon as I finally got close, I saw Ben motion for Marcos to leave. He obeyed, but before, gave me a wink, I rolled my eyes, and Marcos pulled back a little.

  “Did you read my message?” Ben asked, then looked at my hand. “Did you knead?” he took the paper. “Why did you do it? Didn't you like it? Don't you like Ed Sheeran? If I had known, I could have picked a song from a singer you liked...”

  “Ben, that's not that. Marcos didn't need to know it,” I interrupted him.

  “Ah, the problem is Marcos. I needed his ride. So does that mean you liked it?”

  “I don’t know.” I answered without looking Benjamin in the eyes. As much as I wanted to admit that I liked it, I did not have the guts to say it out loud.

  “Then I was wrong, and Auntie fooled me. Don’t you like me?” If I was already feeling embarrassed, my situation got even worse. Did Benjamin ever suspect I liked him? Had Ben's aunt told him that I was in love with him? Since when did he pretend he knew nothing? I stared at the floor.

  “I don't want to talk about it in front of the school. If my mom sees me here with you, she won't like it. She still hasn't forgiven me for spending the night hiding from her,” I used the excuse that my mother was nervous with me in my favor.

  “I'm willing to take the risk,” he said, handing me the note again, which I folded and put it in my pocket.

  “Ben, I’m serious.”

  “Me too. Come with me, Marcos will give us a ride.”

  “I’m not going anywhere with Marcos. How could you enter again in a car with him?”

  “Because you were worth the risk.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous.”

  “It was him or nothing. And Marcos is not the reason that you don’t wanna come.”

  “And which is?”

  “You're afraid to admit how you feel about me,” Ben was getting me embarrassed at a record speed. How could he imply what I felt with such conviction?

  “And what I feel for you?” I asked him.

  “This is not the appropriate place,” Ben said, turning the chair and moving to the opposite side where I came from. He braked his chair on the edge of the sidewalk and looked at me. “I need your help down the ramp on the other side of that crowd of students. OR DO YOU PREFER ME TO FALL AND HURT ME?” Ben made a point to say it out loud, drawing the attention of those around us. I felt embarrassed as the looks of indignation devoured me. That was Ben's dirty way of getting me into Marcos's car.

  I walked in wide steps to Benjamin. As soon as I reached him, I helped him with the wheelchair. I stood in front of him and held the armrest, with a little force I tilted the chair up, pushed it forward, the front wheels hit the asphalt, but without much care, made a small impact, making Ben shake. He closed his eyes and muttered something indecipherable to me. Now behind him, I have finished getting down, and he can finally guide the wheelchair on his own to the car. Something he did better than me.

  “You are a disaster, Elle! You almost caused me another spinal injury.”

  “If you already knew that, why did you insist that I help you?”

  “Because I can't physically put you in the car by force, so that was my only option.”

  “I knew it,” I answered triumphantly.

  I watched from the corner of my eye, Marcos already in the car, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. He had an earphone in his ear and was shaking his head at a rhythm that only he knew what the song was
about. Ben tapped the body of the car, catching his attention. Marcos removed the earphone, opened the car door and got out with a smile on his lips. He seemed to be amused by the situation between Benjamin and me, but he could not admit it in all the letters.

  He approached, and I dodged him, only after he got down in front of Benjamin, who remembered to ask my permission. Marcos put his hand on Ben's back and the other went under his legs. He lifted Ben without the slightest force, it was as if he had lifted a single sheet of paper. Watching the scene, I saw Marcos approaching Ben's face, pretending to kiss him.

  “Stop it, you idiot!” Ben shoved Marcos's face without any kindness.

  “You can't play anymore, huh?” Marcos motioned for me to open the car door. I hurried to do as he asked, thinking that perhaps by carelessness he might let Ben fall to the floor. Marcos put Ben in the back seat. Benjamin fastened his seat belt and I walked around the car, sat next to him. I watched as Marcos opened the trunk of the car and threw the wheelchair awkwardly in, making a noise. He tried to close the trunk by force, thus hitting the wheelchair several times. Ben turned his face back, looking at his friend in disbelief at the way he was treating his means of transportation.

  “Hey, beware!” Ben snarled for Marcos.

  “My bad!” Marcos said, leaving the trunk open and getting into the car.

  “Take it easy!” I finally allowed myself to talk to Marcos. He ignored me. He turned the key, turned the first gear, and drove on. “Where are we going?”

  “Still thinking.”

  “Think fast. Gasoline is expensive,” Marcos snapped.

  “I'll pay, scrooge.”

  “Will you pay me overtime too? Private driver is expensive.”

  “Are you charging to drive Ben, considering that he already would be doing it if it wasn't for you? I should... I should...” I stammered.

  “What, skinny? Are you be threatening me too?”

  “Don't call her skinny.”

  “Ben, I can defend myself.”

  “Can you?” Ben scorned.

  “Yes, I can,” Suddenly, I got the whole sentence Marcos had said. “Ben, are you threatening Marcos?”

  “Come on! By the way you asked, it looks like I'm the villain.”

  “So you are?”

  “Every day,” Marcos answered for Ben.

  “I'm not talking to you,” I said, my voice slightly altered to Marcos.

  “You both can stop!” Ben roared.

  “Told you that me and your favorite skinny in the same room wouldn’t work.”

  “It will, if you shut up. Seriously! A driver drives better with his mouth shut,” Marcos shrugged and decided to go. “Sorry, it wasn't meant to be,” Ben said, leaning his head against the back of the car seat.

  Marcos drove towards downtown, already impatient for Ben not knowing where we were going. He finally realized that what we had to do was stop somewhere and eat, none of us had lunch yet. Marcos parked his car in front of a restaurant, which at the entrance showed that it was not one of those self-service restaurants I was used to go with my mother.

  I looked at the pretty presentable facade and shook my head no.

  “Relax!” Ben gently placed his hand over mine, and now I could see what else this gesture could imply.

  Marcos was the first one to get out, walked to the trunk, getting the wheelchair. He brought it closer to the passenger seat, opened the door and scooped Ben up onto his lap. Marcos ran to my door, laughing, opened the door for me, and I get out without even looking.

  “What time do I pick you?” Marcos asked Ben.

  “I’ll call you.”

  Marcos ran to get in the car. I followed as Ben's chair moved. Ben had his arm outstretched, his fist clenched next to the car, I heard a scraping noise. When I saw Marcos's car door, it was already scratched. Marcos got out of the car when he realized what Ben had done. I watched the scene in silence, trying not to think about the worst.

  “Dude! My father is going to kill me,” Marcos whimpered.

  “Call me to the funeral!” Ben said, turning the chair.

  “It was unnecessary,” I scolded Ben, I did not like when he acted like an idiot.

  “He almost broke my chair.”

  “It looks the same to me.”

  “I'm screwed!” Marcos still moaned.

  “Come on, Elle, our time is running,” he left Marcos alone, mumbling about what his father would do to him if he saw the car like that.

  I accompanied Ben, who was greeted by a very nice girl who helped him in with the wheelchair. From their relationship I could see that they knew each other. She took us to a more reserved place. She walked away and soon returned with two menus in her hand. She handed one to me and the other to Ben and left us alone. I analyzed every word written on the menu. It was all indecipherable. My brain could capture right just the prices. I looked around and noticed how empty the restaurant was. Ben followed my gaze and half smiled.

  “I closed the restaurant especially for us,” As soon as he finished, two men in suits entered the restaurant. I made a face of disdain for Ben. “Yeah, maybe I couldn't keep those two out. And that couple too,” Ben concluded as soon as a woman and a man also entered the restaurant.

  I observed the woman who had just come in, her beautiful dress implying that my torn jeans and my school uniform shirt were not suitable for the place we were. The waitress approached us again. Ben took the menu from my hand and handed it to her.

  “We want to order rice, beans, steak and chips. I know you can arrange for me. Don’t forget the Coke,” Ben said and winked at her, who withdrew.

  Ben rested his hands on the table and stared at me.

  “Can we talk about feelings?”

  “Ben, I'm not good at this.”

  “You can trust me. I'm not here to mock how you feel about me.”

  “That's the problem. You say what I feel, as if you really know, but I know nothing about what you feel for me.”

  “Did you really read the note?” He asked, and I was silent. I tried to remember every word written on it, and some came to my mind: Yeah, I’ve been feeling everything. From hate to love, from love to lust, from lust to truth.

  I was scared by what was happening, I still did not believe that Ben could feel anything beyond friendship for me. I wiped the sweat from my hands on my jeans under the table. I looked at Ben’s apparent tranquility. His eyes seemed to long for an answer.

  “Ben, what do you want me to say?”

  “That you want me the same way I want you,” Ben said slowly, pointing his finger at himself, as if explaining something to a child.

  “And how do you want me?”

  “You tell me first.”

  “So that is your move? Want to get something out of me first?”

  “You’re being childish. Just confess.”

  “Confess what?”

  “That you love me,” the fact that I bowed my head and turned red already delivered everything, on a silver plate. But what intrigued me was why he was still torturing me. I was silent, staring at the tablecloth. “I could take your hand now if you made it easy to put it on the table. It's only three words, Elle, just say it.”

  “I do not know,” Ben's eyes revealed the disappointment he felt at hearing my words. I was sure that when Ben put his hand on the wheelchair button he would leave, but the waitress prevented his act, coming to serve us. I was finally able to cool my throat with the cold Coke. Ben was staring at me and holding his fork tightly, he could not contain himself.

  “What is your problem?” I put the glass on the table, trying to understand what the point was.

  “You,” I answered dryly. “Tell me about your feelings for me.”

  “Damned, Elle! I already told! What's the part you still don't understand that I'm in love with you?” Ben fell silent as soon as he noticed that the people who were present at the scene stopped to hear him shouting. “Well, it looks like now it's not just you that got it,” I ran my hand ove
r the top of the glass, still not meeting Ben's eyes. The butterflies in my stomach flew straight to my heart. Flapping its wings, flooding me with a mixture of happiness and unrealism. The words hit me like a whip, where pain came with total pleasure. My platonic love had become something real and tangible. I narrowed my eyes, holding back not to cry, and with a little difficulty tried to speak of my feelings:

  “I've always been in love with you. Not from now, but always,” Ben looked at me in astonishment. I decided to go on. “I loved you even before you were this today’s Benjamin. Even when you were an asshole, even when you acted like I was invisible, even when your mother greeted mine on the street and you turned to face me. I loved you even when you spoke a lot of stupid things,” I sighed. “I loved you.”

  “I didn’t know.”

  “I thought you were convinced about it.”

  “I didn't know you loved me before...” he added. “I'm sorry.”

  “Sorry? Why doesn't it surprise me? I don't know if it matters to you, but when I heard about the accident, I almost died too. Carla had told me. I was very bad, especially when I knew you were in a coma, it was one less chance of you coming back. Since I wanted you to wake up, even if it wasn't for me, I still wanted you to wake up. I prayed every day for you. That was the worst month of my life. I barely ate, barely drank. I spent every day looking for news from you on your friends' social networks. Maybe that's why Carla hates you. Not because you're a jerk, but because you almost took me away with you, even if it wasn't on purpose. When I heard you returned, I passed several times in front of your house, trying to see you, but I never saw you there, not even on the street,” I shrugged. “Then you can laugh at me now,” I said to a Ben with a completely unreadable face. For the first time I managed to keep him quiet.

  “I won't laugh at you,” he finally said something. “I was just surprised. I didn’t expect that. I don’t t know if I can handle it. It is a long time in silence, Elle. I thought the only ones who really suffered from my accident were my parents. You were so far away from me that it could never have crossed my mind. Elle, I just thought you loved me now. You know, since we started to hang out. I'm sorry.”