by Joe Weisberg
So we’re in Gillians basement. Gillians basement has 2 couches next to each other at about a 90 Degree angle and bean bag chairs 1 red and 1 green and a super-thick rug like my Dad won’t let my Mom get because it traps odors and a bar with a big mirror behind it and chairs which both of my parents don’t want in our basement. Gillians mother comes down and asks if we don’t want anything to eat or drink and I’m starving but I don’t say it but fortunately Douglas says “OK” and she comes down with a tray full of Fried Chicken and mashed potatoes and salad and Coke. The salad wasn’t too popular except for Caroline. Space 2000 was stupid during 1 commercial I said I wanted to see the score of the Knicks game and they let me switch channels and Reggie Carter who’s my favorite player and never gets in was in I saw him make this sweet pass to Richardson who passed to Cartwright who dunked but it was Carter who set it up and they weren’t even like “Nice pass Reggie”. The other players aren’t I don’t think nice to him I don’t know why. Anyway after Space 2000 Caroline and Kath were already bored and went somewhere I don’t know where and Douglas suddenly left and Gillian and me are down there alone and we go upstairs to see her room. Her room is basically a bed and a desk but it’s normal it’s not all pink or anything like a major girls room except for her closet where the door is covered so much you can’t even see any door at all with cut-outs from magazines and pictures and stuff that say: PEACE STYLE HIPPIES ROMANTIC THE NEW FRONTIER LIFESTYLES BILLIE JEAN KING LOVE OPERA TRUTH JUNKIES WILD. It’s also messy there’s books and magazines and junk on the floor and also she’s got so many candles all over the place (they’re not lit) I wonder if she’s going to burn her room down.
We sit down on the floor me leaning on the bed and her not.
Gillian says to me “So did you score a goal or something last week?”
“No” I say.
“Douglas said he heard you scored a goal.”
“No” I say.
What happened was at the end of the game with the score tied 1-1 I slide-tackled this guy Jock Dumont who grew up in France and is really good because about all they do in France from the time they’re born is play soccer and the ball went into the goalpost and bounced off and went over my head and then somehow Jock got his foot up super fast as lightning and the ball hit it and bounced off and just zoomed right into the goal. Let me tell you by the way whatever you’ve heard about it time doesn’t go in slow motion. Time goes faster when something like that happens. Also we were 7 and 8 before that game and Randy gave a speech in the locker room before the game where he was practically crying about getting to .500 and being competitive and pride and dignity.
Anyway there was a pause and then I said “I slide-tackled a guy and the ball went off the goalpost and this guy kicked it in.”
“That’s great” said Gillian.
“No it was our goal” I said.
“Oh.”
Gillian leaned down to stretch and she was wearing this shirt the same color as lemonade that went down under her neck and 1 of the straps of her bra was out instead of under the shirt anyway and then when she leaned over to stretch the part of the shirt under her neck came out a lot and I saw down into her shirt where I saw her whole bra and it was pretty much flat against her with nothing in it. Then she sat up and smiled like she was nice and stretched out now and I watched her lips and her lipstick and they would have been really great lips on somebody else and she was probably the 1st person where I ever even noticed her lips because I was more into Breasts and faces.
So then she says “Were you ever in love Jeremy?”
“It depends on what you mean by love” I say.
Gillian says “really in love. Where you’ll do anything for someone. Where you’ll die for them where they are the single most important thing in your life and nothing else even comes close and you think about them all the time.”
If Gillian could read minds right then she’d see a big picture of me sitting next to Renee in Spanish. That’s real. Then there’s also a picture of me and Renee sitting next to each other on a couch somewhere with our sides touching and not only now but when we’re older too. This is more than lust or just sex because I really believe in Renee as a person. I say “I don’t know. Maybe once or twice but I’m not sure it’s your definition. Have you?”
Gillian looks at me and puts her hands and arms around her legs.
“There was a boy when we lived in Massachusetts he lived down the street from us and we walked to school together every day. We kissed and stuff. I loved him so much but we were so young it was 6th Grade so I don’t know.”
She stopped talking then started again.
“Kath gets crushes but that’s obviously different she talks and talks about some guy and how great he is and then she gets depressed when he doesn’t ask her out even though she doesn’t even know him.”
“Uh-huh” I say.
“Douglas I’m not sure about. There is 1 girl you know her. But I don’t know if he’s “in love” with her.”
“Mmm-hmm” I say.
“Caroline I’m positive is not in love. With the guy she’s going out with.”
“Oh” I said.
“You knew she had a boyfriend right?”
“Yeah. I mean I thought she did.”
“Ritchie. He was going to meet us in New York but he didn’t come he sells real estate.”
“How old is he?” I said.
“23.”
“23?” I said.
“He’s a jerk. He’s just going to hurt her and he’s a pervert for going out with a girl in High School but she likes older guys that’s all she goes out with.”
“I don’t get that I mean people should go out with people their own age” I said.
“A little older is OK” said Gillian.
“Yeah. But not that older.”
“Sometimes I think Douglas has a thing for her” Gillian said.
“For who?”
“You know.”
“Caroline?”
“Not that he’s in love with her but I have a feeling about it. Call it womens intuition.”
“My sisters have that” I say.
“All women have it.”
“Really?”
“Yes. I’ve got intuitions about everybody.”
“Really?”
“Uh-huh. I’ve got intuitions about you.”
“Yeah?” I said.
“Uh-huh.”
There was a pause for a second.
“Like what?” I said.
“I think you’re a very passionate person.”
“Mmm-hmm.”
“And when you fall in love it will be very intense.”
“I guess I’m like that” I said.
“Caroline thinks love is having some guy think you’re great and tell you how great you are all the time and buy you flowers and then treat you badly as long as he worships you but that’s not love.”
“Yeah” I said.
“But she’s had a hard time.”
She was sitting sideways next to the bed. I waited a second then I said “Was it tough when your parents got divorced?”
“Yes. They were like 1 person. My Mom has no identity without my Dad.”
“Oh” I said. “Divorce is sort of wrecking our country.”
“Do you think?”
“Definitely. It’s very damaging to kids. They don’t have any permanent things in their lifes with divorce. So they’re confused.”
Gillian bit her lips which she does.
“If you were married would you ever cheat on your wife?” she said.
“No. It’s the worst thing a man can do to a woman. It’s disrespectful. Totally. It destroys a persons self-confidence in themself. Would you?”
“I wouldn’t try to. I’d try to work things out but if I fell out of love everything would change I can’t live without love.”
“You could leave him.”
“I suppose that’s true.”
We were quiet for a min
ute then I said “You’re from Massachusetts?”
“Yes.”
We went back downstairs and Douglas was there in the red bean bag chair Gillian said “Are you staying” and Douglas said “Yes” and then he said to me “You can’t get a decent nights sleep at my house.” That was weird and it reminded me of before on Halloween when Kath asked Gillian if he was staying there so I guess he does a lot because for some reason he can’t get a decent nights sleep at his house. In a lecture this professor came and gave on the modern family in Sociology I learned that could be because he lives in an area with a lot of gunfire or his parents are addicted to cocaine or ruthlessly beat him. But probably he just can’t sleep or something. Anyway we had some more chicken. Caroline and Kath never came back. It was cool to be out on a Friday night even if we were in watching TV and drinking Cokes and eating at Gillians house.
CHAPTER 8
THE BANANA MALOOSA FIASCO
In the upper reaches of lower Nigeria lives a tribe of indigenous African natives called the Ife. The Ife live a simple pastoral life of farming and fishing and just hanging around a lot. Sometimes they have big fires in the middle of their village and have traditional dances and feasts. This is where they often eat The Banana Maloosa.
The Banana Maloosa plays an important role in my life because of Miss Solovoy who is my World History teacher. She’s short and I guess you could say she’s about 40 or 50. She’s famous for saying “What do you think a window is?” to Alan Binelow when he broke a window with his World History book trying to squash a bee on the window and the book and all the glass and I guess the bee went crashing down onto the courtyard below where fortunately no one was walking to the football field or anything.
Anyway Miss Solovoy always tries to inspire us. Her most recent attempt was right before Thanksgiving when we were doing a World Cultures Segment and in honor of Thanksgiving she assigned us to study celebrations around the world in particular we had to do reports presenting celebrations meaning we had to actually do the celebration for our report. And when we picked assignments I wasn’t really paying attention and before I knew it I got the only 1 left which was The Banana Maloosa.
To be more direct it’s not like my actual assignment was “Cook the Banana Maloosa” it was actually “Cuisine Of The Ife Tribe Of Nigeria”. In our unit on African Tribal culture we didn’t study the Ife in particular so the 1st thing I did was go to the library I looked up the Ife in the encyclopedia but even though it told a lot about them the food part only talked about how they hunted and ate Hippopotamus meat they killed and cooked in a special oven made out of dirt. I wasn’t going to be cooking any Hippopotamus in an oven made out of dirt so the next thing I did was go to the librarian Mrs. Spendel who found me a cookbook on dishes from around the world called Dishes From Around The World. Some of the dishes in The Table Of Contents include:
Sahara Water Crusts p.7
Hunter’s Portion p.10
Andean Twice-Smoked Bigara Root p.19
The Banana Maloosa p.28
Tahiti Earth Bounty Salad p.31
Hmong Chicken Fritters p.32
Hyena Stew (we don’t have a lot of Hyenas in N.J.) p. 40
Chinese Rice p. 46
And many other things. So I look up a bunch of stuff and when I got to The Banana Maloosa even though it didn’t say anything about the Ife in particular it did say it was eaten by many tribes of Western Africa and that’s where the Ife live.
Here is what it said:
THE BANANA MALOOSA IS A TRADITIONAL FESTIVAL DISH OF MANY INDIGENOUS TRIBES OF WESTERN AFRICA. RELYING HEAVILY ON THE USE OF BANANAS, A STAPLE ITEM WHICH GROWS ABUNDANTLY IN THE REGION’S SEMI-TROPICAL CLIMATE, THIS DISH IS COOKED AND THEN BURIED IN THE GROUND FOR 3 DAYS BEFORE BEING EATEN. IT IS SERVED AT FESTIVALS CELEBRATING THE HARVEST AND MARKING PUBERTY RITES. BECAUSE ALL INGREDIENTS MAY NOT BE AVAILABLE IN LOCAL MARKETS, SUBSTITUTES ARE GIVEN IN PARENTHESES.
I xeroxd the recipe and took it home for my Mom to cook. My Mom kind of squinted her eyes when she looked at the recipe.
“I don’t know about this” she said.
“Why” I said.
“It doesn’t look very good.”
“It’s my assignment I have to make it.”
“Alright then we’ll see what happens.” At the grocery store I went down the list while my Mom shopped for other stuff:
22 Green Bananas
2 Cups Salt
2 Quarts Whole Milk
4 Table Spoons Ground African Fern Bark (Substitute Salt)
1 Stick Butter
I tossed some Corn Pops in the cart because usually my Mom didn’t get sweet cereals because my Dad didn’t believe in them and I got some Snack Pack too because if my Dad knew Snack Pack existed he wouldn’t believe in it but mostly I got the ingredients.
That night I helped my Mom cook The Banana Maloosa. Let me assure you mashing 22 green bananas is not as easy as it sounds. And then putting the salt and the milk and the extra salt in is no big deal but to get the butter in you practically have to remash the whole thing.
Finally we flattened it down low in the pan. It was yellow and flat and about 3 inches high. When I told Mom time was up 1 hour later she took it out of the oven and it looked about the same as when we put it in except it was a little brown. It smelled like bananas.
“We should of made an extra 1 so we could taste it” my Mom said.
We left it in the pan and wrapped it in saran wrap and Moms usual 5 pounds of tin foil and we put it in the fridge. The next morning I took it out and got all the paper plates and plastic forks and knives and napkins I bought at the store and took it to school.
World History was 3rd Period before lunch. I was lugging the Banana Maloosa around with me all morning because it didn’t fit in my locker so I was psyched it was finally time. Lenea Vovich was in World History with me and she sat in the front row right where she was looking at whoever was giving a report her black haircut was long and feathered and from the back it moved side to side whenever she moved her head even a little I don’t know why but it made me think of a bird. Also she would probably tell Renee everything that happened if anything happened. Also John McKnight is in the class but he didn’t sit with her even though he could he sat in the 2nd row with some other guys who weren’t his best friends but were in the class like Billy Culom and Henry Stem who plays baseball with him. In the back row with me usually was Leslie Galata and Frank Taganyika who was Japanese who were friends with each other and people like that who aren’t even all worth mentioning.
Anyway there are 2 reports before me Mating Dances Of The South American Tenge Tribe which is hard to explain except Alice Lipinski and Janey Drew who did it giggled the whole time but still I give them credit because they did do it and did dance in a mating way in front of the whole class and God Songs Of The Indonesian Turtuit People which sounded kind of like Billy Joel with really weird words. I was the last 1 and when I got up I guess I was very nervous everyone was staring at me so I just started. I still have my note cards and here’s what I said:
“In Nigeria live a tribe of indigenous Africans known as the Ife. The Ife have lived in Nigeria for many centuries living according to very old tribal ways and customs. They have been effected by modern civilization. 1 of the important parts of Ife society is eating. In addition to wild game which they hunt and kill and some fishing and some farming of grains the Ife have special festivals like puberty and harvest festivals when they eat special foods. 1 such food is The Banana Maloosa. The Banana Maloosa is made out of bananas which are plentiful in the forested regions where the Ife live and are therefore a staple product. For my report I have made a Banana Maloosa.”
I put my note cards down and started to unwrap The Banana Maloosa which was on Miss Solovoys desk. Everyone was trying to see it and when it was uncovered I opened the plates and forks and knives and napkins Miss Solovoy took them and started to pass them around. I picked up the knife I brought from our kitchen. I wasn’t sure ho
w to cut it there were 30 people in the class and enough Banana Maloosa for everyone to have 1 small to medium size piece. I started cutting the Banana Maloosa which was a little harder to cut than I expected. Then I got out the 1st piece which was hard and after that it was still hard to cut but easier to get the pieces out and a few minutes later everyone had a piece of Banana Maloosa in front of them and a knife and a fork and a napkin.
I’m not sure why but everybody waited and then finally Miss Solovoy who was sitting next to where I was standing next to the desk said “OK everybody.”
Everybody dug in with their fork but not much happened so they picked up their knife and started cutting. Finally everybody took a bite. Nobody immediately threw up or anything.
But people weren’t exactly smacking their lips or going “Mmm Mmm Good” either. In fact people were chewing really really slow and nobody said anything. Miss Solovoy coughed a little.
I started to chew. The Banana Maloosa didn’t really taste like bananas it was super chewy almost like having a huge huge piece of gum in your mouth and it sort of had no flavor at all. Except then once you swallowed it it did taste like bananas. But sort of like really old really gross salty bananas.
If this was 7th Grade or even 8th a lot of the guys would of been like “Eeew gross” and “Am I supposed to eat this?” and “Nice going Jeremy” but now they’re more mature and everyone is just totally quiet. I still have a bite of Banana Maloosa in my mouth and I don’t know what to do because even I don’t want to swallow it and Miss Solovoy didn’t say anything and it may sound wimpy and pathetic but to tell the entire total truth my eyes got that watery feeling you get sometimes.
Finally Miss Solovoy turns to Arthur Deam who is 1 of the black people in the class. There are 2 sections the smart black kids and the goofing off black kids and they don’t sit together. The goofing off black kids don’t actually goof off they usually more just sort of sit there I sit there sometimes too so I’m not saying it’s because they’re black just that that’s who they are. Anyway Arthur is 1 of the goofing off ones and Miss Solovoy says “Arthur what do you think?” he doesn’t answer and suddenly everybody I can tell is thinking the same thing which is she’s asking him because The Banana Maloosa is from Africa. And he’s black so he is too. Which I don’t think she was because Miss Solovoy asks that question to somebody after every report to stimulate conversation and this time it just happened to be Arthur but still I think everyones thinking it and Miss Solovoy is too because I’m right next to her and I hear her say “oh” quietly. Then Arthur says “I don’t know” and there’s this silence again where you can’t tell if Arthur’s thinking it or not because a lot of times he’ll say “I don’t know” and then suddenly John McKnight says “I think The Ife need to get a McDonalds.” A bunch of people laughed and then Mike Potter the class clown-comedian says “Yeah we should open a McDonalds in Nigeria” and everybody including Miss Solovoy laughs and then Mike says “We could sell Big Ifes” and everyone laughs more and then somebody else says “And Ife Fries” which wasn’t even funny but now no matter what anybody says we all just laugh more. Then I put the tin foil and saran wrap and extra plates and forks in the Banana Maloosa pan and I go back to my seat.