by Joe Weisberg
Anyway I want to get out of there in general and the best and least gross looking 1 of them because it’s just got 1 pretty nice looking woman and a man on the front and she’s giving him a Blow-job but it’s partly but not completely dotted out by 1 of the dots is called FRENCH LUST and it’s 1 of the foreign ones which maybe even makes it a little more like I’m buying art or something and I could say to my Dad “You said I should read more”. Anyway I pick it up and I take it to the front and the guy is done eating now but I’m kind of grossed out he’s touching my magazine because he’s got Tuna Fish or something on his fingers even though I’m pretty psyched he’s selling it to me without carding me or anything. I give him $7.99 and he puts it in a bag and gives it to me.
So I go outside.
I head for the train station. I look about 5000 times to see if you can see through the bag and even though you can’t if you hold it up to the light and you’re about a 10th of an inch away you can see the outline of the bottom of a naked Tit. I keep walking and finally I get on the train. Now I could know anybody on the train and I swear it’s like the bag has basically huge letters on it that say “JEREMIAHS RAUNCHY FRENCH LUST PORNO HE JUST BOUGHT”. Here’s what I feel like: like I killed somebody for no reason and cut their head off with a chain saw and I’ve got the head in the bag. If I’d just brought my fucking back-pack it would just be in there and nobody would have a clue but I’ve got this brown paper bag from the Porno store and it’s shaped like a magazine and it’s just obviously what it is so I got ready if anybody says “What’s in that bag?” to say “Sports Illustrated”. I would probably see Renee at the train station in Hutch Falls and she’d say “hi Jeremy” and we’d talk for a second in Spanish and then she’d say “what’s in your bag?” “Sports Illustrated”. Then she’d say “Oh can I see it? There’s this article I heard about.” About some tennis player or something. And I’d say “Yeah but excuse me because I have to go kill myself.”
Well I’m here today so I don’t have to tell you Renee wasn’t at the station. I took a cab home possible people who were home were my Mom who would look at the bag and instantly know what was in there because she’s psychic about anything you don’t want her to know so she’d be like “Jeremy is that issue number 62 of French Lust?” Beth who would yell “Mom Jeremy has this weird bag and I don’t know what’s in it” or “My womans intuition tells me Jeremys got dirty magazines” and that’s it. Claire wouldn’t say anything but it was like the Nazis in there. Like Hogans Heroes but not funny so here’s what I did.
I put the bag in my pants it wouldn’t go down but I moved it to the side and it went down it was basically around my left leg so I had to keep it straight and kind of out in front of me to keep it from sliding all the way down. It didn’t make a bulge really so I figured you couldn’t notice it. I went in the door and there was the stairs and I could tell just from the atmosphere that Beth wasn’t home but as soon as she heard the door like a vulture my Mom comes in from the kitchen and says “How was it?” “Fine” I said going to the stairs. “Did you go to the Deli?” Mom said. “Yeah Tannebaums.” “How’s your father?” “He’s fine you’ll see him in like 3 hours.” I was up the 1st 4 stairs. “Why are you limping?” my Mom said. The magazine was slipping and I had to shoot my leg out to stop it I said “I’m not limping.” “Did you hurt yourself?” “No.” “Are you sure?” I was almost at the top and suddenly I said “I have a cramp” then I was around the corner and in my room.
I took the magazine out of the bag. The woman on the cover was this French girl with short black hair and medium-size Tits 1 of which was kind of swaying to the side because of the position she was in on her back with this French guy putting certain things in certain places but not necessarily the 1st place you think of if you know what I mean. The guy had a mustache and was pretty greasy like you figured he figured he was pretty lucky to get this job where all he had to do was stand there.
Inside at 1st there’s a lot of pages with just writing in French and then all these ads for sex stuff and then I get to some pictures of this couple having intercourse. But it’s not the couple from the cover it’s some other French couple and they’re both basically pretty ugly she’s blond and has kind of extra stomach and just in no way is at all hot. She also has basically no Tits and he’s even greasier and grosser than the guy on the cover and about the last thing I want to see is them. Which I see plenty of but I don’t know who’s looking at them. So I start going through the rest of the magazine and there’s more French and then near the back more pictures specifically there are 2 women kissing and I’m like “where’s the guy?” but at least they’re not as ugly as the other couple even though they’re not exactly Playboy material either. 1’s tall with black hair and 1’s short with black hair. Then there’s some pictures of them doing different things all of which are like “Welllll” and then there’s a picture of the 2 of them standing there and that’s when I see it. The tall 1 has a Dick. I look away as fast as I can I think I might of yelled “Yeeeeeeuuuuuccchhhh!” I was so grossed out I wanted to throw up all over my room and then I double-confirmed that the 1 with the dick had tits and was in fact a woman which she was. Or whatever she was.
French people are fucking sickos. That’s all I have to say.
I slammed the magazine shut then I opened it again and checked out the rest just in case there was anything else there and there were some really good looking French women (with no dicks) doing stuff. There was also this story in French I didn’t understand with some cartoons and then suddenly there’s this part of it in english that has a cartoon of a man and woman having serious sex and she’s sweating and she says in the balloon “messiuer please insert yourself” and when he does she says “Yes yes yes Oui oui oui Oh Ah.”
Finally I closed the magazine forever I didn’t know what to do with it. I thought about burying it in Nierbeck Woods but somebody could see me there even if I went way into the woods and think I was burying a dead body or something. I got a pen and a piece of paper from my desk and wrote this: TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN: I BOUGHT THIS BY ACCIDENT. I DID NOT KNOW WHAT THE PICTURES INSIDE OF IT WERE. THEY TOTALLY GROSS ME OUT AND DO NOT TURN ME ON. I AM SORRY I BOUGHT IT. I opened the magazine again looking away so I didn’t see anything I got to the page where the Woman with a Dick pictures start and I put the note there. Then I wrote an exact copy of the original note and taped it to the front of the magazine with scotch tape.
Then I got my box which locks out of the closet and the key out of my desk inside the box I’ve got some papers on top for sort of a diversionary manuver mostly stuff from 7th Grade I got good grades on then under all the papers I have a few Playboys. I read Playboy because I’m interested not just in seeing the pictures but in learning about the women and what kind of women do this kind of thing and stuff the 2 best are Elaine Driscoll who’s from England and has red hair and medium-big Tits and she’s at this castle in England taking a bath out front in basically this big steel bathtub that’s more just a giant pot than a real bathtub she has this big sponge and she squeezes it over her Tits so she’s got a lot of soap running down all over the place. And she’s from England. Then the other best 1 is Gig Randall who I can most truthfully describe by saying she’s got the biggest Tits in the world she’s 23 because it probably took her at least that long to grow such big Tits. And she’s got black hair and she looks at you in this way like she’s looking right at you her measurements are 39-24-36. With an emphasis on the 39. She’s from this very big Italian family where they cook a lot together and everything. She seems kind of like a slut versus Elaine who judging from 1 of the pictures of her not naked in a bar hangs out with businessmen and that kind of people and dressed she’s wearing this dress where you see more than just cleavage you can look down it and see 3/4 of her Tits. There’s also Nanette Lutz who’s a dental hygienist and there are pictures of her at this farmhouse facing 1/2 sideways and holding a piece of wood that’s sticking out of the wall inside the barn to tie
horses to or something and smiling and you can only see 1 Tit in the picture but the side view gets you to understand what it’s like and she by the way has the biggest areolas ever and they’re very bumpy too but so what. Also in the front pictures her Tits kind of hang down like they’re very heavy and their shape is not just round but oblong. Which is different and makes her seem older and she’s very white. Then there’s Rory Neem who is basically just lame her hair is huge and greasy looking and kind of sticky-curly curly and she’s super tall too tall for her non-Tits and her smile looks really fake I don’t know how they picked her. Then there’s Penthouse which is completely different the centerfold is named Sheila and she has this medallion hanging down between her Tits which are big kind of in every direction they really spread out and up and down and the medallion is really inbetween them down in there but the different thing about Penthouse is they totally show the vaginas. So Sheilas vagina is just basically on view it’s hairy and she spreads it open so you can see inside and at 1st I was kind of like “Wow” then I got used to it. Penthouse is like a whole different thing. Like she’s a very real woman. (Later Sheila won the Penthouse Pet Of The Year Award). Under that is Raquel Welch from the New Jersey Sentinel TV Section from about 4 years ago and it’s a very little picture from that part where they show a little picture from a movie coming up that night called “1 Million Years B.C.”. She’s wearing this kind of cave man bikini where you can see her whole stomach and her legs and the bra part is pretty much nothing so you can see the entire tops of her famous Tits she’s crouching down and she has this club in her hand like she’s hunting or fighting someone. I’m really into Raquel Welch but 1 thing that’s kind of weird is the picture’s really old and she’s like 50 now so that’s weird because is it the past or the present and what does that all mean. Anyway under Raquel is an 8×10 glossy picture from a movie I never heard of called “The 60s” that I bought at a movie memorabilia store when I was in 7th Grade it’s basically just a picture of a womans Tits with a T-Shirt stretched across them very very very tight and they’re huge and the space inbetween them has these big wrinkles in the T-Shirt where it’s being stretched by how big the Tits are and the T-Shirt says in big letters that are stretched too “COMELY”. I used to like that word. And then under that was the cover of a book of my Moms called Fear Of Flying the cover is basically just a shot of this womans very huge cleavage in this sort of pose where she wants you to look at it. She’s trying to turn you on you can’t see her face or anything in the picture. I stole the book from my Moms shelf in my Mom and Dads room and ripped the cover off and kept it and burned the book in the kitchen sink when nobody was home in 6th Grade. Don’t burn things in the kitchen sink by the way. There’s a lot of smoke and it doesn’t all go away and you have to tell everyone later you burned some ravioli. Also if you burn a whole book it makes tons of ashes you have to get rid of you might as well have to get rid of the whole book. (Looking back now I don’t know why I didn’t just keep the whole book I was kind of an idiot.) So that’s what’s in the box. Anyway I put the magazine on the bottom face up so the note was the 1st thing you saw if anyone ever saw it and then I took 1 of the old English papers and put it on top of it because I didn’t want to see it ever anymore either and then I put everything else back on top and locked the box and put it back in the closet.
I think the naked female form is a beautiful thing. Painters throughout history have painted it. In our society we’re very nervous about people being naked but why? Also a naked beautiful female body in a museum is fine but in a magazine suddenly it’s illegal. We should compromise and realize the body is beautiful. This more European attitude is good for society. Even though Europe includes France and they go too far.
CHAPTER 15
I SCREW UP BUT IT TURNS OUT OK (CHAIN OF EVENTS)
Meanwhile back at school … me and Renee are getting pretty good at Spanish. We’re still pretty spastic in class me especially but then 1 day in the hall she saw me when she was going by and she went “Ola”. Without even thinking about it I went “Ola” she kept going and then the next day we passed each other and Renee suddenly said “Como estas?” and I right away went “Como Estas?” I think foreign languages just start to come naturally after a while. Anyway I didn’t know what inspired all of this but there was a chain of events it started.
The 1st thing in the chain was 1 day the next week in Spanish 2nd Period when we were doing what Mr. Eller calls Social Vocabulary which is words like “novio” (which means boyfriend). He had us do a dialogue drill with the social vocabulary and Renee goes 1st and she says “Como esta su novia” (which means how is your girlfriend?) and I said “Bien” which means fine even though she probably knows I don’t even have a girlfriend. Then I said “Como esta su novio” and Renee says “No tengo novio” (which means I don’t have a boyfriend.) “Oh” I accidentally say and here’s where the thing in the chain of events happened. I think because we’d been saying Ola in the hall and everything and also because in some weird way you just say stuff in Spanish (because it’s not English) I say “Pero hombre en Rianeck?” (which means “But what about that guy from Rianeck”) who I’d seen her with 1st Semester at the Rianeck Game. As soon as I said it I was like “Uh-oh what did I just say” Renee got this look I’d never seen her have before like she was very surprised and totally mad too like if I just said “Is Mr. Eller your novio” and he really was. Finally she says “No hombre en Rianeck No tengo novio.” I wanted to say I’m really sorry and I didn’t mean to say anything about that but I couldn’t remember the Spanish for I’m sorry and I didn’t know the rest of it so I didn’t say anything and then Mr. Eller says “Termine Dialogue”.
Class was over and Renee packed up her stuff and went out fast.
#2 in the chain of events: I’m going down the hall after 5th Period and I see Renee and she’s wearing this light blue tight sweater with a V at the top where you see her lower neck and the skin all over there on her chest (not her Tits though) and she looks hot and pretty at the same time and she’s coming right up to me and she stops and says “I need to talk to you.” “OK” I say. “Can you talk after school?” “Yeah” I said. “Meet me at the tables outside the Lunchroom?” “OK” I said.
Here are the things I figured might happen — 1. John McKnight and Randy Brewer and 1/2 the guys in the Sophomore class and 1/2 the guys in the Senior class would be there and they’d pretty much beat me to death. And Renee would be going “Kick his fucking ass!” or maybe the guy from Rianeck himself would be there and he’d be like “hey man why are you rubbing your nose in Renees business?” Or maybe Renee would be alone and she’d say “I know I was nice to you saying Ola in the hall and everything but my real life is none of your business maybe if you had a novio of your own you wouldn’t be so interested in other peoples lives.” I didn’t think these things would actually happen it’s just stuff I think about. So 6th Period Bio II was a pretty sucky 45 minutes thinking about it all and not listening to Mr. Tapp talking about cells.
Anyway I go to the courtyard after class is over and when I get there she isn’t there winter is pretty much over but it’s still 1 of those days when the weather’s like “fuck you” because in the morning it’s nice and you go to school in a sweater but then you get out of school and it’s freezing and this wet rainy slush is coming down from the sky and big slush puddles are everywhere so I’m standing there in the courtyard next to the door to the Lunchroom like an idiot in wet sneakers and no jacket and I’m freezing and wet like a wet dog. Finally I see Renee coming up and she’s in this Dick Tracy overcoat with a belt tied in a knot in front and rubber Duck Boots so she can stand around all day if she wants to and her hair is wet and it’s less straight when it’s wet and with that and the coat and everything she’s so beautiful and could I’m sure easily be 23. When I see her I get really nervous and it’s stupid but I totally want to marry her.
She comes up right next to me and says “Thank you for coming.”
&
nbsp; “Sure” I say.
“Jeremy how did you know about David?” She’s whispering even though there isn’t a single person anywhere.
I say “I didn’t really know I just saw you guys once at the Rianeck game.”
“Oh God” she said.
“I didn’t see anything just you guys standing there.”
Really I saw them having a big fight and his hand on her shoulder but I didn’t say that.
“What were you doing back there?”
“I was just walking around at half-time I wasn’t looking for you or anything.”
“Oh God” Renee said and she looked at this big puddle next to us full of water that was getting fuller all the time her hair was getting wetter and it was really dark now like if she had black hair and water was dripping off it.
“Sorry” I said.
“Who did you tell?”
“Nobody.”
“Really?”
“I swear.”
“Did you tell John or Randy?”
“No.”
“You didn’t tell them in the locker room?”
“No I swear I never even talk to those guys especially since soccers over.”
“Jeremy I want you to tell me the truth no matter what it is did you tell anybody?”