(2011) Only the Innocent

by Rachel Abbott

  Finally she heard the familiar chime of the bell, and rose quickly from the sofa, trying to slow her steps as she walked across the hallway to let him in. His dark blond hair was a little longer, and she felt sure that he too had dressed with care. Not the business-like suits of a working day, but a black polo shirt and the leather jacket that she was sure he had been wearing the first time she met him. The air of sadness about him seemed even more defined, though, and there was a tightness to his smile that hadn’t been there before.

  ‘Hello, Laura. How’ve you been?

  ‘Tom. It’s good to see you. I’ve been fine, thanks. What about you?’

  ‘Missing Lucy, but dealing with it. You’ve done wonders with this place. I couldn’t believe it was the same house when I came up the drive.’

  ‘I’m sorry. I’m keeping you talking on the doorstep. Please - come in.’

  As Tom stepped into the hallway from the bright sunlight, he looked at Laura again, and she could see the surprise in his kind eyes.

  ‘Laura, you look great!’ he said. ‘Becky said I needed to prepare myself, but you really do look wonderful.’

  Laura smiled her thanks, but couldn’t think of a thing to say as she led the way into the drawing room. She took a seat and clasped her hands together in an attempt to hide the trembling, and hoped Tom wouldn’t notice. Instead of sitting on the sofa opposite her though, he walked over to the French windows, open to let in the spring air, and stood with his back to her, apparently looking out at the late daffodils and early tulips blooming in the garden beyond. She’d never felt uncomfortable with him before - even when he was questioning her - but this afternoon was different. Tom was the first to break the silence.

  ‘I’ve come to tell you that we’re reducing the team investigating Hugo’s murder. We’ve failed to make any real progress over the last six months, as I’m sure you know. We’re not closing the case, but I’ve asked to be transferred onto other jobs.’ Tom still had his back to her.

  ‘I can understand that, Tom. I expect you want something with a little more action. This case must be getting a bit dull for you.’

  ‘Oh, it’s certainly dull. It’s been dull for the past six months, actually. It’s difficult interviewing suspects when you know before you start that they’re innocent, and sifting through evidence that you know won’t reveal anything.’ Tom spun round to face her, appearing almost angry.

  She could see from his expression that he knew the truth, and that Will had been right. Somebody had been listening to their conversation. But she didn’t flinch from his gaze. She was almost relieved. In some way it explained his absence over the previous few months, which she’d found unaccountably hurtful.

  ‘I’m sorry, Tom. If you knew all that, you did have another option, didn’t you?’

  ‘Not really. Let’s cut the crap, Laura.’

  She had always suspected that he’d heard them talking, but couldn’t understand why he hadn’t arrested her. Or at least talked to her about it. But then, of course, he would have had to act. It was such a terrible mess. Every night, Laura dreamt of the day she killed Hugo, and every morning she awoke feeling sick. She hadn’t known just how evil he was, but she had known enough. And she knew without a doubt that she would do it again. In an instant.

  Only the sound of the early spring birdsong penetrated the silence of the room. A happy sound in a room full of tension. After a few moments, their eyes met. The atmosphere was charged.

  ‘I need to ask you again, Tom. Why didn’t you do anything about it?’

  Tom sighed, and ran his fingers through his hair. His anger seemed to have been replaced by frustration, and she felt deeply sorry that she had caused this man so much stress.

  ‘That’s the question that I’ve been asking myself for the last six months. I heard you confess, but I had no evidence. I still don’t have any evidence. You could have completely denied the conversation, and Will would have backed you up. But I was pretty sure that if I came to you with what I’d heard, you would have told me the truth. Then I’d have had to act. I wasn’t sure if I could deal with that, so it was better not to see you at all.’

  Laura didn’t know what to say. He was right, of course.

  ‘I should tell you that Imogen is still the number one suspect, now that all the earlier Allium girls are accounted for - the ones before Alina. We’ve tracked down every last one of them with Jessica’s somewhat belated help.’

  Every time those poor girls were mentioned, she felt a sharp stab of guilt. Guilt that she hadn’t done more, or done something sooner. But when it came to Imogen, Laura knew that she alone was responsible for the suspicion that had fallen on her friend.

  ‘Have you got anything on Imogen at all? Are you likely to charge her?’

  ‘No, we’re not. The only evidence we have is purely circumstantial. It would be impossible to prove the stunt that you two pulled, so it seems Imogen is safe.’

  She was relieved for Imogen’s sake. Laura had always known that the moment they charged Imogen, she would be forced to confess. There were times when she felt that the burden of guilt was too great to bear, and a confession would be so liberating. But she had more than herself to think about.

  Tom was still standing by the window, as if he didn’t want to get too close. She wondered what he thought of her now.

  ‘How is Imogen, anyway? And Will?’ Tom asked, momentarily lightening the atmosphere slightly.

  ‘As you might expect, they’re back together. Neither of them ever loved anybody else, and they’ve both been devastated at being apart all these years. I don’t think it will be easy though, because they’ve both changed and they need to build trust again. Imo is struggling to forgive Will for not believing her, and he is struggling to get the image of her with Sebastian out of his head. They’re working on it.’ Laura paused briefly. ‘But stop changing the subject, Tom.’

  Tom gave a half smile, as if she knew him too well. He walked over to the facing sofa, and sat down. He leaned back, his gaze not quite meeting her eyes as if he were looking at something just above the top of her head.

  ‘I can’t help feeling a sort of impotent rage, Laura, that’s my problem. This is uncharted territory for me, and for six months I have betrayed every single value that I thought I had.’

  ‘So why did you? You should never have had to suffer.’

  Their eyes met, and held for a few seconds before Tom spoke again.

  ‘I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it to you. I thought you were… remarkable! The way you dealt with all the horrors that were thrown at you, and the fact that you were prepared to risk everything for somebody else. You’ve suffered so much. I felt compelled to protect you, inappropriate as that might sound.’

  Laura looked at him and tears sprung to her eyes. She closed them briefly, to hide her emotion from his perceptive gaze. Tom gave her a moment, and then he carried on.

  ‘When I overheard you talking to Will, I heard you say that Hugo had ‘a better option just around the corner’ - or something like that. You also said that you killed him for Alexa. I left before you’d explained. I didn’t want to be discovered listening, because then I couldn’t deny what I’d heard. But I think I know what you meant.’

  Laura was silent. She knew that he deserved to know, but the horror of saying the words out loud was even more unbearable than the thoughts that plagued her daily. Even through her closed eyes, she could feel that Tom was watching her, and he carried on speaking, his tone softening as he no doubt recognised her anguish.

  ‘I’ll tell you what I’ve surmised then. I saw a photo of Hugo’s mother. Do you know that you are very like her? That’s probably why he never wanted you to see her picture. Annabel told me something - I don’t know if you want to hear this Laura - but I think I have to tell you. She said she’d discovered Hugo having sex with his mother. Hugo was tied to the bed, and his mother was astride him. I’m sorry - those are her words, not mine.’ Tom paused. ‘Did you know about this, Lau
ra?’

  Her shame was so deep, she still couldn’t bring herself to look at Tom as she answered.

  ‘I guessed, but not for a long time. He told me I reminded him of somebody, and then there were things he wanted me to wear when we had sex. After I changed my hair colour, he even made me wear a wig. Long red hair, of course. He used to leave it on the bed for me.’

  She remembered the day she found the wig box in the attic. It wasn’t until after she’d returned here from the care home - for the first time. By then Hugo had stopped expecting her to play his sex games. But of course she had recognised the wigs, so she’d asked Mrs Bennett about them. When the kind lady had explained whose they were, Laura had felt a revulsion so deep that she almost wanted to take her own life. The horror of realising just who she had been standing in for all these years had almost demolished the last of her courage. But by then she had run out of options. She was there for one purpose only, and that was Alexa.

  Tom stood up and moved across the room. He sat down on the sofa next to Laura and took her hands in his. All trace of his earlier anger and frustration had gone. As he spoke, he gently massaged her hands with his thumbs.

  ‘On the drive to Dorset, Beatrice told me that the family tradition is for a parent to break a child in over time. They begin by sharing a bed from a very early age, and always sleep naked. The touch and feel of the adult body becomes familiar and safe. Then they fondle and play touching games as the child becomes more aware. When they’re considered old enough, they tie the child to the bed - and make it seem like fun. Then finally the parent begins to have sex with the child shortly after puberty.’ Tom paused. Laura was watching his eyes, looking for disgust. But she saw nothing but compassion. ‘According to Beatrice, the relationship can continue well into adulthood, as apparently it did with Hugo and his mother. What I don’t understand, Laura, is if he treated you as a replacement for his mother, why did you stay with him? And why the hell did you marry the bastard in the first place?’

  His words were harsh, but his tone wasn’t. His disgust was reserved for Hugo, and she was so very glad of that. She forced herself to look Tom directly in the eye. He had to know she was telling him the truth, dreadful as it was.

  ‘I think you already understand it, or at least most of it. Before we were married, Hugo was charming and courteous. I’d never met a man like him in my life. How can I explain?’

  Laura paused for a moment.

  ‘I once made a film about abuse, and somebody told me that I didn’t understand the subject at all. I now know exactly what she meant. It isn’t just about definable acts of terror, such as physical cruelty or demanding obedience with overt threats. It’s easy to recognise the difference between right and wrong then, even though many abused people don’t act on that knowledge. The quiet but inexorable breaking down of self-esteem is much more sinister - it’s violation of the soul. That’s what Hugo did to me.’

  She looked at Tom, and could see that he understood.

  ‘What happened with Alexa? I can guess, but I’d rather hear it from you.’

  He deserved to know. She owed him at least that, hard as it was for her to say out loud what she had witnessed.

  ‘One night, when by rights I should have been sleeping, I heard noises coming from the bedroom next door. A room that should have been empty. I recognised Alexa’s laugh. But it was the very room that Hugo only invited me into when he wanted sex. So I had to go and investigate. When I went in, he had Alexa tied to the bed. He was naked, as was she, and he had an erection. Alexa was laughing - she was only about seven. She thought it was a game.’

  He gave her hands a reassuring squeeze.

  ‘Go on,’ he said.

  ‘I had to get him out of that room before I could tell him what I thought. I had to protect Alexa. I wanted to run, Tom, as far away as I could. But that would have meant leaving Alexa alone with him in the house. That was impossible. So I told him I thought he was perverted, sick, everything. His response was predictable. He said my failure as a sexual partner was due to a lack of effective tuition. Fundamentally, he said that every child should have their sexuality developed by their parents, and that it was a duty he was happy to perform for Alexa. He hoped they would continue to be together for many years to come.’

  Tom looked white. She knew how he must be feeling, having a little girl of his own. She knew without a doubt that he would have wanted to kill Hugo every bit as much as she did. She had to tell him the rest.

  ‘I asked if he had already had sex with Alexa and he said “of course not - and I won’t until she reaches puberty. She’s still a child now”. I went completely wild. I was going to report him, and he knew it. That’s when he injected me - I don’t know what with - and locked me into a disused room. They found me there, naked and filthy. That’s how he had me committed.

  ‘But I had to stop him. I knew that nobody would ever believe me, and Alexa didn’t think anything was wrong. To her it was normal; just one of her secrets with Daddy. She was proud of the fact that they shared their ‘special moments’, and they were nothing new so they didn’t surprise or shock her. He had never penetrated her, so there was no physical proof. Alexa was still young, though, and I thought I had time. I needed to be back here where I could protect her, so I agreed to his conditions. Without me, there was nobody to keep her safe. But I told him my terms too, one of which was that he didn’t lay a finger on Alexa or me again. Despite his promises, I am fairly sure he was still grooming her. But I couldn’t prove it.’

  She removed her hands from Tom’s. She didn’t really think she deserved their comfort and his reassuring strength. This time, she was the one to walk over and look out of the window, unable to bear his kindness any longer.

  ‘I thought that if I went to the Chief Constable to try to get him interested in the Allium girls and Hugo was found to be as guilty as I suspected, the problem would be over. I was sure Mr Hodder would help, but Hugo took great delight in telling me that as usual my judgement was dreadful. Apparently your colleague had raped his own Allium girl, but Hugo had managed to diffuse the situation. So he owed Hugo.’

  Laura had been told weeks ago that Theo Hodder at taken early retirement, but that was cold comfort now. It had been his duty to help her. She couldn’t help thinking about how many of those girls could have been saved if he had acted. She now realised that, for Hugo, the prostitutes had just been convenient. She wouldn’t comply with his wishes, and Alexa wasn’t ready. So Hugo had taken what he needed from the most handy source - just like his father had. He had considered them worthless and disposable.

  ‘Hugo did me a favour when he had me put away for the second time, Tom. It gave me time to prepare and plan. I had to save Alexa, and I knew that there was only one way.’

  She fought hard to resist the urge to go to Tom for comfort, trying desperately to remain as matter of fact as possible in the telling of her story. She had always known that one day she may have to pay the ultimate price, and maybe this was it.

  ‘How is Alexa? How is she coping with all of this?’ Tom asked

  ‘She’s doing okay, thanks. Annabel has found some rich tycoon in Portugal, so rarely comes back to this country - which means that Alexa can spend all her weekends and holidays with me. It suits everybody. I’ve been seeking advice on how to deal with the fact that her father had some strange ideas about closeness, and we’re working on it.’

  Laura turned towards Tom. She still didn’t know what he was going to do, but she was glad that she’d been honest.

  ‘So now you know everything. What now?’

  Tom shook his head. He looked exhausted, as if the events of the past six months had taken a heavy toll.

  ‘You know that as a policeman, I have taken an oath? But for the last six months I have known of not one, but two murderers. And I’ve done nothing about either of them. What does that make me?’

  ‘Two? There was only me involved - please don’t drag Imogen into it. I know she was an acces
sory, but she wasn’t guilty of murder.’

  Tom was shaking his head.

  ‘Did you never wonder about Beatrice? I’m fairly certain from what she said to me on the way to Dorset that she was responsible for her father’s death. But there’s no way of proving it now. He probably deserved it, too. Pretty good policeman, aren’t I?’

  ‘You know I think you’re an excellent policeman, Tom. I’m so sorry to have put you in this position. I wouldn’t have done this if I wasn’t prepared to take the consequences, you know.’

  Tom looked surprisingly near to tears, and Laura wanted nothing more than to hold him, and take away the pain she had caused. But she didn’t move towards him. Nobody spoke for a few moments. Finally, Tom pushed himself up from the sofa and walked towards her. He stood about three feet away and looked into her eyes.

  ‘I know you wouldn’t blame me if I arrested you. I’m not going to, although how I’ll live with myself I really don’t know. But if I arrest you, I’d have to arrest Imogen - she’s an accessory whether you like it or not. That would destroy her life, Will’s life and probably your mother’s too. And without you, what will happen to Alexa? She’s been damaged enough. Only the innocent would suffer - and enough have suffered already. You did the world a favour by killing Hugo, and you’ve already endured ten years of torment. I can’t come to terms with putting at least five people through endless misery just because one thoroughly evil man had to die.’

  Laura said nothing. She knew he hadn’t finished. He reached out his hands to hers, and she willingly grasped them both, although neither of them moved closer.

  ‘The thing is, Laura, if I do this I will never be able to see you again. You do understand that, don’t you? I admire you for your strength, your commitment and your integrity - which seems is a strange thing to say under the circumstances. I can’t bear the thought of your suffering, and wish I had the opportunity to help you to recover from the damage that bastard did to you. But I’m a policeman. I’m walking away, Laura, but whatever my personal feelings I can never bring myself to condone murder, even if I can justify it.’