The Tale of the Wolf (The Kenino Wolf Series)

by Cyrus Chainey

  ‘So, if I survive the burning wigs then what?’ Curtis was sniggering so hard I thought he was going to burst a blood vessel.

  ‘The last task is the Love of Tom. You must stand upon the altar and recite the holy words while underwear is fired at you from cannons. If even one pair touches you, you will have failed.’

  ‘I need to go outside.’ Curtis was holding his side.

  ‘Shut up!’

  ‘What holy words and what do you mean cannons?’

  ‘The holy words.’ He indicated the lyrics of ‘Kiss’ that were written on the wall. ‘The cannons are filled with ladies’ underwear. My brethren will shoot these at you while you recite the holy words along with the Resplendent’s voice. My friends will, alas, not be in charge of shooting at you. So for this task you are alone. Pass this and you will have proved yourself and then you can pick me and I will deliver my people.’

  ‘And you’ll give me the thumb drive?’

  ‘Of course. I will honour our agreement.’

  ‘You better.’

  ‘I swear it upon the love of the Resplendent.’

  ‘I really need to go outside.’

  ‘Shut up Curt!’

  ‘But I’m in pain.’

  ‘Good! What has any of this got to do with Tom Jones?’

  ‘As I said, our leader has lost his way. Since the great schism he has been paranoid seeing Jonesians everywhere. A few years ago there was a great argument between the brethren. There were those that believed that ‘Kiss’ had the lyrics of redemption, while there were others who believed it was ‘Delilah’. This argument became so intense that our order was broken in two, splitting off into two factions: the Tomsians, who believe in ‘Kiss’, us; and the Jonesians who believe in ‘Delilah’. We are sworn enemies, and our leader has never recovered.

  ‘I really need to go outside.’ Curtis was suffering.

  ‘Will you shut up!’

  ‘You must prepare yourself, Deliverer. The tasks will soon begin.’

  ‘I need a video camera. Somebody borrow me their phone.’ Curtis was really enjoying himself.

  ‘I’m doing this to save your life. If we get the list we can give it to Magenta Devine. Or have you forgotten?’

  ‘I ain’t forgotten, Wolfy. I swear … I’m grateful. I just think we need to record the Tasks of Tom.’

  ‘Fuck off!’

  ‘He’s right, babes. We’d get some serious hits on the Internet with this.’ Tabatha was laughing.

  ‘You’re on his side now?’

  ‘No, babes. It’s just we could make a killing here.’

  ‘You both can fuck off. And if anybody thinks of recording anything, I won’t tell you where I hid the diamonds.’

  ‘What?’ They both said in unison. ‘You know where they are?’ Tabatha continued.

  ‘Of course! I hid them.’

  ‘You bastard, Wolfy. You had me sitting round your house thinking they were stolen. Tabatha was going to shoot me.’ Curtis cut in.

  ‘You needed shooting, Mr I just went to feel them …’

  ‘I did, I swear, I just ...’

  ‘Shut up! Just shut up! It’s rubbish.’

  ‘Wolfy I can’t believe you did that. You know how badly I wanted those rocks.’

  ‘Yes, Tabatha darling, I do, which is why I hid them. Nobody could be patient, nobody wanted to wait, and we’d be in worse shit than we are now if we’d split them and spent them. Magenta Devine would definitely have killed us. This way we have two things to negotiate with; the list and the rocks. Don’t look at me like that. If I hadn’t have hid them we’d be in a right old mess. I did what I had to do. I protected us from ourselves.’

  ‘You should have told me,’ she grumbled.

  ‘Why? You would have spent them. You didn’t want to wait, did you? Be honest. Well? Come on.’

  ‘No, but that’s not the point. You should have told me.’

  ‘That is the point. Anyway, what you all moaning for? We still have the rocks.’

  ‘True, but if you ever do something like that again …’

  ‘What? Hide a load of diamonds to split with you later? Yeah, go on, what? You’ll what? Kiss me?’ She smirked.

  ‘You know what I mean.’

  ‘If it makes you feel any better you can have my share.’

  ‘What? You serious?’

  ‘I told you … I love you. Take ’em. I was just making sure you weren’t going to get greedy and make a mistake.’ She wrapped her arms round my neck and kissed me, which you’ll find is the standard response from any woman to whom you offer lots of diamonds.

  ‘Yeah well, what about me?’ Curtis butted in on our tender moment.

  ‘You can fuck off. You’re lucky I’m speaking to you, you diamond molester.’

  ‘I told you I ...’

  ‘Shut up!’

  ‘Wolfy, I think it’s time,’ Muzzi announced.

  They re-entered the hall. Two of the Tom Jones people were carrying a large black cauldron. The leader strode in and stood behind the altar. Bosley came strolling across and addressing Milkie said, ‘I have been asked to assist.’

  ‘Thank you, Initiate.’

  ‘Initiate?’ I said, smirking and looking at Bosley.

  ‘Yes because he is new to our order, he is to be addressed as an initiate,’ Milkie replied, not detecting my mirth.

  I was just about to start with Bosley when the leader announced to the gathered throng.

  ‘He who is to be tested, come forth.’ I stood forward. ‘Are you prepared for the Kiss of Tom?’ I nodded that I was, which was nonsense obviously. Who, in their right mind, could be prepared for any of this? ‘Then string him up.’

  Two of the brethren tied my hands behind my back, while another unhooked a bungee rope from the ceiling, which was tied to the main rafter. It had two other ropes attached to it. He tied the bungee rope around my feet. ‘Hoist him into the air,’ instructed the leader.

  At his command I was flipped upside down and dangled over the cauldron. It was full of thick looking gold chains. I couldn’t see the one with the black link. It was just a mesh of gold. I was going to have to dig around. Two brethren clutched hold of the ropes attached to the bungee rope to yank me up and down. Although it had sounded the easiest, this task was a tad more difficult than I’d presumed.

  ‘Let the task begin.’ Drums started beating, and I was crashed head first into the cauldron of gold and then bounced back out. They were bouncing me into a metal pot. If I didn’t find the black link fast I was going to black out.

  Bounce. Again my head slammed into the metal. My eyes watered. I could hear ringing in my ears from this insanity.

  Bounce. My head slammed back in. I was creating a dent in the metal with my head.

  Bounce. My head thudded again into the cauldron.

  Bounce. Smack! I’d hit something. I went back up in the air. It was the medallion. I couldn’t see the black link in the chain. It didn’t matter I could see the medallion. That was the prize.

  Bounce. Back in the pot I slammed my teeth together. Miss! It slipped from my mouth. I had to get it quickly or I was going to collapse.

  Bounce. I missed again. A gold medallion’s slippery.

  I was up above and could just see it through the tears in my eyes. I was so dizzy it looked like there were three medallions. I opened my mouth and aimed for the middle one. Crunch, my teeth clamped around the gold disc and I held on tight. I came back out the pot with the gold medallion clasped firmly in my mouth.

  I heard cheering. I’d passed the first task, the Kiss of Tom. Some kiss! I was concussed. They lowered me back down and untied me.

  ‘Well done,’ Milkie said, picking me up. ‘Two more to go.’

  I didn’t even know where I was. The whole place was spinning.

  ‘You okay, babes?’ Tabatha asked, grabbing me as I staggered about.

  ‘The second task will begin in thirty minutes,’ the leader huffed, storming out.

  ‘Sit down
.’ Milkie passed me a chair and a glass of water.

  ‘What’s wrong with you people?’ I said. ‘Gold is hard.’

  ‘The Kiss of Tom can disorientate. It’s designed to emulate the real kiss from the Resplendent, which is said to cause the same effect. Just drink and try and focus.’

  ‘You people are mad,’ I said, clutching at his jumpsuit.

  ‘Save your strength. The second task will soon begin.’

  I sat there trying to stop the throbbing in my head, drinking the water, which tasted of metal.

  I looked at Bosley. ‘You’re a policeman. You can stop this.’

  ‘I've resigned.’ He was laughing.

  ‘You’re enjoying this.’

  ‘I am a good Tomsian.’

  I was just about to start, when that bastard leader walked back in followed by the brethren, who started laying the wigs down on the floor, creating the twenty-foot path of nylon chest wigs.

  ‘Are you prepared for the second task?’ You have no idea how much I wanted to say ‘no’, but instead I nodded. ‘Then light the path.’ They doused the wigs in petrol and set them alight. The fire blazed along the path towards me. The wigs were blazing hot, fiery chest wigs sizzling away. I took off my boots and socks. I’d been expecting something like the hot coals scenario you see on TV. I should have known better.

  It was just a twenty-foot path with three-foot flames spitting bits of fake hair into the air.

  ‘Are you ready?’ The leader could see my reluctance. I nodded again. ‘Then begin the Strength of Tom!’ The drums began again.

  I took a deep breath and, half-concussed with ringing in my ears, ran into the flames. Milkie’s friends had been useful; there were gaps; three, at the beginning. They hadn’t set fire to all the wigs. I grabbed a wig with each foot and, using them as temporary shoes, ran across the flames.

  There was still much screaming, cursing and swearing as they caught fire halfway, but they got me to the end of the path. My trousers were on fire and the two chest wigs were seared to my feet, but I’d done it. The cheers echoed around the hall. Milkie came running up with two buckets of water and I slammed my crispy tootsies into them.

  ‘You have thirty minutes!’ The leader declared, leaving the hall.

  ‘You people really are crazy,’ I said, grabbing Milkie.

  He helped me pull the chest wigs off my feet. It stung like hell but I felt strangely proud. I think I was getting into it.

  ‘You’re doing well. Just the Love of Tom left.’ He was smiling.

  ‘Well done, babes.’ Tabatha handed me my socks and boots. My head was throbbing, my eyes were watering, I had ringing in my ears and my feet were killing me. And I now had to dodge a load of knickers shot from cannons while reciting the lyrics to ‘Kiss.’

  It would have been easier to let Magenta Devine get me, but I was in so deep I just had to carry on, and hope I could move well enough on my stinging feet to avoid the knickers.

  ‘Here, let me help.’ Tabatha pulled some handcream out of her pocket and rubbed it into my feet.

  ‘That feels good. Where’d you get that from?’

  ‘My pocket. I’m a woman. We carry cream.’

  She slipped my socks and boots back on my feet and I stood up gingerly. I could barely walk. Everywhere hurt now. The brethren swept away the charred remains of the chest wigs and mopped down the floor. They were very tidy nutters!

  In what felt like ten rather than thirty minutes the leader walked back in again followed by the rest of the loony squad.

  ‘It is time for the final task: the Love of Tom.’ He was raging. He knew if I passed this one he was out, and was determined to make me fail. His future relied on my ability to dodge pairs of knickers. I was expecting cheating.

  ‘Are you prepared for your final task?’ There was pure hatred in his voice.

  I nodded. It was just knickers and karaoke; I had this one in the bag. ‘Then stand upon the altar and prepare for the Love of Tom.’ Three large black cannons were wheeled in and I climbed on to the altar. One of the brethren bought in a large brown crate and placed it next to the leader. He smiled. He was up to something.

  ‘Are you ready?’

  ‘Yes.’ I smiled stupidly back.

  ‘Then let us begin.’ The music started and I started dodging and miming to ‘Kiss’.

  ‘You don’t have to be …’

  He opened the crate, pulled out some knickers and put them in the cannon.

  Bang! The leader fired the cannon and a pair of frillies came flying past my head and exploded against the wall. The knickers were frozen!

  Bang! Two G-strings blasted past me. If I didn’t dodge well, I was going to be cut in half by frozen knickers.

  Bang! More knickers. He was aiming better and I had to jump those.

  I was directing my bad singing at Tabatha, while he was directing the knickers at my head. The knickers were flying thick and fast.

  Bang! I ducked a pair of big knickers that could have decapitated me.

  Bang bang bang! I was dodging like a super star, left, right, left.

  I was truly brilliant. No bollocks. ‘Pop straight out the air’ had nothing on this.

  Bang bang bang! More dodging. I was starting to take the piss. The leader was going crazy.

  Bang bang bang! The crowd was singing now. Tabatha and Curtis were dancing. Even Muzzi and Bosley were getting into it. Final Chorus.

  Bang bang bang! I could win gold at the Olympics if knicker-dodging was a sport.

  Big finish!

  ‘ … and your kiss!’ I swivelled dodging the last pair.

  The place exploded with cheers. The leader collapsed.

  ‘I am the Deliverer and I pick him.’ I pointed at Milkie. More cheers.

  ‘Remove the seal!’ Milkie ordered. The place was in chaos. Two of the brethren ran up to the old leader held him down while a third pulled off the big medallion and placed it on Milkie. He came running across to me.

  ‘Thank you. You have done us a great service.’ He was panting and beaming with joy.

  I was still on the altar and loving it. Okay these people went a bit far, and yes I know ‘Kiss’ was actually written by Prince, but sometimes it’s not what you say, it’s how you say it, and nobody says it like Tom Jones.

  ‘Here.’ He handed me the drive. I’d been loving the Tom Jones karaoke so much I’d forgotten why I was doing it.

  ‘Cheers.’ I waved it at Tabatha and Curtis. They jumped for joy. ‘Play the song one more time.’

  ‘Really?’ Milkie looked amused.

  ‘Course! Tom Jones is a god.’

  ‘That’s what we tell people. You heard the Deliverer! Hit it!’

  ‘Kiss’, blasted from the walls. It was a party and everybody was getting down to a bit of Welsh magic.

  We had the drive. We had Magenta Devine's list. I’d survived the madness and was loving it. We were partying to one song on a continual loop and it was great.

  ‘So what do we do now?’ Tabatha asked mid-swivel.

  ‘We call Jeremiah. He’ll know how to find Magenta Devine, and we cut a deal.’

  ‘You’re mad. You know that, don’t you?’

  ‘That’s why you love me.’

  ‘Is it?’ She smirked.

  We'd won; we were the champions. We were just about to get into a clinch when there was a scream from the doorway.

  ‘JONESIANS!’

  Panic swept the room.

  I jumped off the altar, with Tabatha following, and ran behind Milkie towards the front door.

  The sight that greeted me was something I wouldn’t have expected to see if I’d lived to be a thousand. There, coming over the hill, were at least thirty black PVC-jumpsuited individuals, with nylon chest wigs and medallions, being led by … Colin, who was dressed identically to his brethren. They were singing ‘Delilah’ and wielding sticks.

  ‘Iiiitttt's Kruchenko.’ Milkie stammered.

  ‘What? Where?’ I returned.

  ‘Ther
e … leading the Jonesians.’

  ‘That's Colin.’

  ‘That's Nikita Kruchenko.’

  ‘Oh shit!’

  Colin was Nikita Kruchenko. The whole time the fucker had been playing us.

  ‘Is that Frazer?’ Tabatha had noticed Frazer. Scott Frazer was standing next to Colin.

  ‘Yeah, that's Frazer.’ I replied.

  They were lining up in front of us, preparing to charge.

  ‘What now?’ I said to no one in particular.

  ‘To arms!’ Milkie commanded smiling. The Tomsians dashed around the hall grabbing any implement they could use. ‘Prepare for battle,’ he continued. Milkie was impressive; a PVC Napoleon.

  ‘You’ve got to be joking!’ Curtis said, seeing the stampeding chest wigs. I pulled out the tranq guns and flung one at Curtis along with a few darts. Tabatha dashed to Betsy and dragged out the rifle.

  ‘You’re not serious?’ Curtis said, holding the tranq gun.

  ‘I’m the Deliverer.’

  ‘No, you’re not!’

  ‘You think I’m giving the Black List to that fucker, after what I’ve just gone through?’

  ‘Fair point.’

  ‘Well then, like the guy in the big medallion said … to arms!’

  ‘What the hell. To arms!’

  We lined up preparing to meet their charge. I caught Colin's gaze and he signalled he was coming for me.

  I gave him the finger and the big'un, telling him to bring it.

  He smiled, then signalled his army to charge. The Jonesians came flying down the hill. It was on: ‘Delilah’ versus ‘Kiss’; Jonesians versus Tomsians.

  We only had seven darts between us, this was going to end up as close contact. Tabatha started shooting first. The rifle had a better range. She'd taken down two and was loading up for a third when they crashed through the door.

  Black PVC versus white PVC.

  I shot one straight in the medallion. Bosley was pitching in as were Muzzi and Curtis; even the crazy cat was having a go. It was a full on battle. I managed to get a stick off one of the Jonesians, and started cracking heads. Curtis and Tabatha were battering Frazer. They had him on the floor and were stamping on him. I was just about to get swinging against another Jonesian, when Colin crashed straight into me. We went skidding across the floor. The battle was on. There was so much man-made fibre rubbing together that the air tingled with electric; my hair was actually standing on end.