Dudes Down Under

by Suzannah Burke

  “Oh, I handled that one, Luce. I told her there were no bungalows available on either side. That was easy.”

  “That was exactly the way I allocated them, Ginny. No changes whatsoever without my approval, okay?”

  “Geez, you really are smart, aren’t you, Luce? Hey, Luce, what does astute mean?”

  “It means that you did the right thing and I am proud of you.”

  “Thanks, Luce … Oh, my God! It’s Antoni … um ... Mr. Emilio Rodriguez, and Ms. Dayton.”

  “Don’t you dare faint, Ginny … Ginny?”

  “No, I’m good, I’m good. Oh, I hope she doesn’t ask for the room next to her ex-husband too. Geez, what are they doin’? Having happy little threesomes or somethin’?”

  Lucy spluttered and coughed and raised her eyebrows at Ginny, which sent the youngster into gales of laughter. “Ginny, I swear if you weren’t so damn lovable, I’d fire your arse.” Lucy left it at that and followed in behind the two gorgeous behinds in front. She was having a real eye feast session this morning.

  Everyone appeared to be seated comfortably. Skeet came in looking sexy as hell in fresh jeans and an open-necked white shirt. The other key staffers were all present. Skeet looked around the room and noted the absence of one obnoxious croc-hunter. “Lucy,” he whispered, “ya want me to go get him, love?”

  “No need, Skeet. I gave him the bullet. We have got to get a replacement and maybe another back up P.T.Q.”

  “Good girl, I’m so proud of ya. Do ya want me to take care of the new blokes for ya?”

  “I’m counting on it, Skeet.”

  Skeet’s smile would have lit the nearest city. He walked on over to the huge screen and readied the movie for screening.

  Lucy nodded at the waiters. Trays of chilled Dom Pérignon, O.J., a crisp Chablis, plus jugs of ice-cold beer were lavishly placed on the small tables next to each pair of guests, together with a marvelous assortment of cheeses, pâté and fruit.

  Lucy walked to the microphone and began. “G’day, everybody! I hope you all slept well. I will open the Orientation session to all questions after the presentation of this short film. Please give it your complete attention as some of the facts covered will help ensure your visit is risk-free. After the film, I will introduce you to the staff members appearing in it. They will be able to answer any queries you may have about their respective areas of expertise. I will also distribute our own dictionary of Australian slang, which I’m sure you will find totally unbelievable. Please sit back, have a champers, and enjoy Dudes Down Under - The Movie.”

  The room darkened and the glorious colors and sounds of the aquamarine waters enveloped everyone. Music played softly, unobtrusively enhancing the stunning canyons and colors of the Great Barrier Reef. The divers in the film swam with sharks and dugongs in different sequences, all the time surrounded by swirling eddies of spectacularly-colored fish.

  The scenery changed to the tropical rainforest, again alive with color. Yet now the sounds of forest bird life and the background rush of rapidly running water made its own music.

  Numerous scenes flashed by on the large screen until an aerial sweep of the resort took its place. Finally a voice, softly sweet and clear, accompanied the film. It gently guided the guests, who were sitting mesmerized, through the layout of the resort: swimming pools, tennis courts, an eighteen-hole golf course, individual spas and saunas, a fully-equipped gymnasium. Golden sand stretched around the stunning lagoon. Numerous water vessels sat waiting to be used - including sail craft and jet skis - plus para-gliders to be towed behind high-powered ski boats. This sequence finished with a scene showing crocodiles lying stretched out in the sun on the banks of a river and along the curve of a sandy beach.

  The scene changed again, and many of the D.D.U. staff were introducing themselves and their areas of expertise on the screen.

  Then the lights came up. The guests all began talking amongst themselves and laughter bounced around the room.

  There was an air of excitement present now. Lucy recognized it for what is was and was relieved that the reaction she had hoped for had arrived right on cue. She walked across to the microphone and waited.

  A round of applause was sweet music to her ears and she smiled in gentle acknowledgement. She could not help but notice that Mr. Guest did not join in. In fact, he appeared to be less than happy. She enjoyed his momentary discomfort.

  “We will take questions in just a moment. First up, let me introduce a couple of staff members that we hope will be kept very busy tending to all your requests and requirements over the next four weeks. Skeet, c’mon up here, my friend. Ladies and gents, many of you have already had the pleasure of meeting our Skeet. Anyone who wants to know anything about crocodiles, their behavior, and the dangers associated with them, Skeet is your man. Skeet, the floor is yours.”

  “Aw hell, Lucy, just the floor? You wouldn’t like to chuck in a couple of walls and a window or two, hey, mate?”

  Lucy giggled and stood back. Skeet was on.

  “All right, you lot. Question time. Let ‘er rip!”

  Most people got the idea on that one and Lana Peters raised her hand.

  “What would ya like to know, mate?”

  “Are all crocodiles capable of killing a human being, Skeet?”

  “Bloody oath, sweetheart. Make no mistake about that, please, people. These buggers are predators. They don’t care what size or shape their meat comes in, it’s all the same to them. How many of you saw ‘Crocodile Dundee’? Good, everyone. Hey, that’s excellent. In the scene where Hogan’s blonde piece was flashing her arse and bending over the billabong, you remember how the big croc came out of nowhere and grabbed the leather strap on her binoculars. Right, then, that was no bullshit. I’m serious, these mongrels are fast as lightning in the water. They are capable of launching their entire bodyweight clear of the water to nab food from low tree branches, or a head that’s sticking out looking for something. On land they can move real fast. These buggers can raise themselves up on their legs and run the same way a horse can, for sixteen to eighteen feet or so. They can’t sustain it for too long, so a distance between them and you of a minimum twenty feet is a good rule to remember. I can’t stress strongly enough that you need to be aware of the sign-posted areas. If it says NO SWIMMING, believe me, no swimming! Remember one thing: CROCS CAN’T READ! Right, in ya rooms you’ve been supplied with very important things. First up, Piss Off insect repellent. It doesn’t stink, unless you happen to be a creepy-crawly. If you are gonna be wanderin’ around, especially at dusk, please give yourselves a good squirt. We have good mozzie control here but sometimes the little bastards get through and they can make ya itch like buggery. Next, unless you wanna end up with skin like Cyril, I suggest you lavish the Goth sunscreen on yourselves. Over the next four weeks you will be outdoors a lot more than you’re accustomed too. Sunburn is not a joking matter. Even Aussies who have lived in the tropics for many years apply sunscreen whenever they venture outside. Don’t forget, you are also supplied with sun hats and t-shirts. Please use the sun hats. It will make your stay much more enjoyable. The t-shirts are not a bad idea. You all have a selection to choose from. If you’re planning on staying out in the water for more than 15 minutes, pop one on. The sand and pathways are very hot to walk on after nine in the morning and before seven at night. We have supplied footwear – we call ‘em thongs - they are comfortable to wear and protect the feet. I will be handing out the Aussie slang dictionary in a minute, but just ask us to translate anything you don’t understand. We will all be happy to answer. The other lists show you what’s freely available to all of you and which staff members to see to organize any activities. I’m gonna hand you over to the beautiful Didi who will fill you in on the other entertainment. I hope you all have a go at some of the stuff. I guarantee you, you will have fun. Any time ya wanna chip in with a question, fire away.”

  “Oh, Skeet, um, what about sharks? I’ve heard that white-pointer sharks are common in these
waters.” Kylie Andrews sounded worried.

  “Well now, Miss Andrews, ya won’t have to worry about sharks. The bloody Crocs ate ‘em all.”

  The room erupted in laughter. Skeet was in his element and the guests loved it, and him.

  “All right, Didi me darlin’, it’s all yours.”

  “Thanks, Skeet. Morning, folks. I am the leisure and pleasure coordinator. If I had said that to an Australian audience, we would have had x-rated remarks flooding the room. You Americans are a well-mannered bunch. We’ll have to rectify that.”

  They laughed on cue and a couple tried out the new idea. Didi was relieved. They all appeared to have a good sense of humor and, even better, seemed interested in the Aussie Encounter games she had organized.

  “First up, folks, I am gonna take it easy. You lot haven’t had a chance to even wet your feet yet and the time difference can catch up with you. Tomorrow we are gonna have a couple of different things happening, bearing in mind these are all things you have free choice in joining. First up, we’ll have a tug-o-war. Two teams: male guests versus our staff. Next up, mixed teams male and female, our staff versus guests. Act three, ladies versus ladies. Act four, all members from each winning side have a play off. Catch? Of course there is. The tug of war will be held either side of a large, deep, mud pool - croc-free, of course. I’ll be taking team members' names this evening after the welcome to our world Bar-B-Q which, as always, is guest choice. We will have the normal delicious Bar-B-Q fare, plus some purely Aussie dishes that I just know you will love to try. The Bar-B-Q commences at six-thirty p.m. We will be holding a dance to a great local band afterwards. No finish time. It’s a typical Australian do. It ends when it ends, or at sun-up, whichever comes first. Questions so far? Yes, Miss Sheridan?”

  “Um, like, what’s this tug of whatever thingy?”

  “Wow! How many of you don’t know what a tug-of-war is?”

  Four people raised their hands.

  “Well, I’ll have to give you a little demonstration. I need a couple of volunteers. Anyone?”

  The dreamy Tristan Jones and equally luscious Jack Starr came on stage, both smiling like teenage boys.

  “Okay, you two, do ya know how it’s done?”

  “Yep, sure do,” said Tristan.

  “Uh-huh, no problem,” said Jack.

  “Skeet, fetch me a rope, please, mate.”

  Skeet bought a long thick piece of rope to the stage.

  “For the people watching, these two guys are each gonna take hold of one end of the rope. Um ... er … I’ll lay down here and pretend I’m the mud puddle.”

  “Not a good idea, Didi, ma’am. We both might want to fall in!”

  Didi’s face turned a wonderful shade of red as she managed a squeak. “Oh, oh my! A girl can dream, I suppose.” Turning her mind reluctantly back to her job, she continued, “The object of the exercise is one team to pull the other team into the mud-puddle. Guys, go for it. Try not to land on me too hard. Go!”

  The two superstars started pulling. Soon enthusiastic members of the audience joined them. Didi scuttled reluctantly out of the way. Tristan Jones was directly followed in a tight clinch by his ex-wife who didn’t have the rules quite right as she was hanging onto his waist, or close by, instead of the rope.

  “Hey, Lucy, take a look at this. Whoo-hoo, mate. This is gonna get real interestin’. Seems like them girls got a whole other form of tugging in mind.”

  “Skeet, you are dreadful but, yeah, now that could get very interesting, very interesting indeed.”

  Lucy watched as the women began teaming up on either side. The current wives of two of the men didn’t seem overly concerned, at least not on the surface. Lucy thought it would be illuminating to be a fly on the wall when these partners were again in private.

  Didi could see this was getting out of hand - well, sort of. “Okay, everyone’s got the idea. Too hard a surface to play here, folks. Skeet will be waiting outside the Swamp bar tomorrow arvo. He’ll show you where we will be playing the real deal. I would love to see you all participate. I think it will be fun. So, five-thirty P.M. tomorrow, folks. I hope to see you then.”

  Chapter 5

  Lana Peters hurried to catch up with Kylie Andrews. “Hey, girlfriend, wait up! What the hell was that in there? You gotta get a grip, girl, and I don’t mean the kind of grip you were getting. I thought you and Tristan were over all that divorce stuff,” Lana said.

  Kylie Andrews was clearly not in a mood to be discreet. “I am going to get him back, Lana, whatever it takes.”

  “Aww, c’mon now, be sensible. He has well and truly moved on, girl. Dammit, Kylie, you’ve seen him with those kids. He’s happy, very happy. Can’t you see that?”

  “He’s infatuated with that plastic piece of garbage. I am going to get him back, you mark my words, Lana. You heard it here first.”

  Kylie Andrews flounced off, flinging her heavy shoulder-length hair back from her flushed face.

  “That doesn’t sound too promising, does it?”

  Lana turned around and gave Vanessa Dayton a grin. “Phew, girl, I’m so pleased you and, er, Tony are so civilized about your bust-up. You and Karen get along together well, huh?”

  “Karen? Oh … yes, of course, Karen. She seems so young. Yes we seem to be able to maintain a cordial relationship, thus far.”

  Lana Peters caught the edge of ice in Vanessa Dayton’s voice but decided that it was, after all, her manner; she always appeared elegant and unruffled on the surface. Oh yes indeed, this little holiday down under was already proving to be well worth the money.

  Lucy and Didi, together with Doc and Skeet, were sitting chatting after everyone had left the Grand Ballroom.

  “Doc, you might need to hang around during the tug-o-war tomorrow. I’m thinking it could get mighty bloody interestin' - or just bloody. You get my drift, mate?” said Skeet seriously.

  “Well, Skeet ol’ pal, that’s what I’m paid for. A bit of testosterone hanging around, hey, mate?”

  “You can call it any bloody thing ya like, mate. I reckon it’s just full on back-biting females with green eyes and long claws. Should be lots of fun. I’m lookin' forward to hosin’ em down after the games.” Skeet had a dreamy wet t-shirt look in his eyes.

  “Whadya reckon, Didi? Gonna be a bit heated, yeah?”

  “Hmmm? Oh sorry, Skeet, did you say somethin’?”

  “Where’s your head at, Didi? Well now, every damned female in this place seems to have a bit of that hot-flush stuff happenin’. Maybe Doc here can give ya somethin’ for it!”

  Didi grinned good-naturedly at her friends. “Hey, you lot, a girl can dream, can’t she?”

  “Speaking of dreamland, has anyone spotted Ginny since this morning?” Lucy asked.

  Skeet shook his head, as did Doc. Didi shrugged her shoulders. “You worry too much about Ginny, Luce. She’s a big girl. Besides, she’s not due to start work till late tonight, is she?”

  “No, you’re right, Didi. I guess I do worry about her. She’s been so sheltered, you know. These folks live in the fast lane, the fastest lane. I just don’t want her getting herself into any trouble, that’s all.”

  Skeet put his arm loosely around Lucy’s shoulders, “Well, chooky, she’s gotta learn to be a big girl sometime, ain’t she?”

  “Yeah, Skeet. I’ll try not to worry, all right?”

  “Gotcha, chooky, and that Pope fella’s gonna try not to be Catholic as well.” Skeet grinned and took off at a good pace before Lucy could slug him.

  She was a little weary; perhaps a swim and a sauna would help her relax. The tug-of-war tomorrow might end up being more war than tug.

  * * *

  The guests had split off in a multitude of directions after Orientation, many of them wearing the recommended sun hats and Gothic sunscreen. For those guests who did not wish to explore on foot, solar powered buggies were available, two to each bungalow. These little things were whisper-quiet and had a bright canopy overhead with the
bungalow number clearly visible on top to make it identifiable from the air. They had a top speed of twenty miles-per-hour, more than adequate to get out of the way of anything dangerous.

  The twilight of day one ushered in a glittering overhead spectacle of stars. Many guests availed themselves of an outdoor dinner in one of the many small intimate restaurants scattered throughout the complex.

  The guests had a multitude of choices of how they could spend their first full night in paradise. Most chose to explore, dine and then walk along the long palm-fringed stretches of beach. Croc patrols were on duty 24/7. The screened outdoor movie enclosure attracted a few - mostly the guests' staff members - all able to enjoy the same luxury as their employers at no expense to themselves. They were a happy group of campers, noisy and appreciative of the comfortable deck chairs and full waiter service with selections of drinks in the ice-tubs alongside each deck chair.

  Lucy returned to her bungalow and fixed herself a Sundowner. She kicked off her shoes, pulled her long hair loose and wandered out to the large balcony that afforded her the most spectacular views of her island home. She wondered what was going on behind the closed doors of the bungalows scattered around the complex.

  * * *

  Lana Peters sat with her legs stretched out in front of her, sipping chilled champagne and looking up at the night sky. She made a note to herself to ask Skeet to point out the Southern Cross. It felt a little strange not to look up and see the northern hemisphere’s ceiling above her.

  She was lonely, dammit. However, no one could compete with her drive, her need to be in control. Just once she would like to meet a man who could help her relax, who could talk to her comfortably as an equal, and not just see dollar signs when he looked into her eyes.

  She had already decided her young male companion should return Stateside. His youth, and the fact that she had paid him to accompany her, bothered her now. She didn’t want complications in her life, so it had seemed a wise decision at that time. Now, however, he simply made her feel older, and more alone than ever.