Doctor How and the Illegal Aliens

by Mark Speed

"Quite literally, he's nowhere. Nowhere so far as you're capable of experiencing at the moment. He doesn't exist anywhere you could experience him."

  "Yeah, but isn't that dangerous? I mean, what if –"

  "I haven't got time to talk hypotheticals and probabilities right now. Just do as he did and I'll follow."

  Kevin stepped into the phone box and looked back at the Doctor, who waved him on impatiently. He took a step forward, and ceased to be.

  He was at the side of a control room. He felt a sudden force in his back and was thrown forwards. A hand grabbed his hoodie from behind and stopped him from falling to the floor.

  "Hell's bells, Kevin," said the Doctor. "What did you stop in the doorway for? You're like those bloody tourists who stop outside Tube stations and block the exit for everyone else. Stop rubbernecking and take a seat, lad."

  Kevin glanced behind him. There was no door behind the Doctor that he could see.

  "Leave it, Peter," said David. "It's his first time. No one's that confident their first time, are they?"

  "Oh, I suppose," said the Doctor. "Sorry."

  Kevin looked around the circular room. It was a brilliant white – so bright that it overwhelmed his eyes. He felt it should have been painful, but it was calming. In the centre of the room was a semi-circular control panel with a single seat. He moved towards it.

  "No, not there," said the Doctor. "Passenger seat." He indicated one of several comfortable-looking black seats in rows around the side of the room.

  "Come and sit beside me," said Ware. "And I'll answer any questions you might have."

  "Why are there no seatbelts?"

  "Not needed. Forget your preconceptions about travel. You're not travelling at all."

  "Oh, but if we're not travelling..."

  "Then how do we get there? Easy. I don't know how much Peter's explained to you."

  "He told me it's all a bit like zip files and things."

  "Hmm. This bit isn't. There are all these other dimensions that you don't – and, indeed, most of the Pleasant universe – doesn't experience on a day-to-day basis. That's mainly because most of them don't harbour life."

  "Most?"

  "Well, some do, by implication. Obviously."

  "It might be obvious to you."

  "If I say 'most don't', then some obviously do. Keep up, sunshine. So when we stepped into the Spectrel we stepped into a space elsewhere. If you were looking at it from any angle, it would always be going away from you to get there because it's always perpendicular to your own dimensions. Does that make sense?"

  "Not really."

  "Good. Nor should it, if you were being totally honest. Now, let me give you an analogy as to how this works, if you're interested." Kevin nodded. "So the Spectrel provides us with a door into that other space. We just close the door behind us in the Pleasant universe and then open it somewhere else. We've not really moved in this particular dimension, but we've changed the Cartesian coordinates of the door in the Pleasant universe."

  "Uh. I think I get the analogy."

  "Oh. Have you read Philip Pullman's His Dark Materials trilogy?" asked Ware.

  "As a matter of fact, I read it when I was off school with 'flu. Someone sent me it from Amazon. I asked around but never found out who it was. Complete mystery. Amazing book, though — really blew my mind."

  Across at the console, the Doctor stifled a smile.

  "The Subtle Knife is about the best explanation of the physics I've read in your culture," said Ware. "Will is able to cut a hole into other universes. It's a bit like that. Except without the other universes. Oh, and we always close the doors behind us. Bit dangerous if you don't."

  "So, like, where's the Spectrel? Are we tumbling through the Time Vortex?"

  "For God's sake, don't let him catch you talking mumbo-jumbo like that. This Spectrel doesn't exist. None of them do."

  "What? But we're in it."

  "Sure, but it doesn't exist in your world. It's just a projection of forces. Did Peter at least explain to you that nothing is actually there where we think it is?"

  "Um. Yes. Like a table isn't really composed of anything at all. It's just forces, with a tiny bit of matter."

  "So it's not there. In the same way as nothing else is there."

  "Yes, but how come we're able to exist in another dimension?"

  Ware tapped the side of his nose. "Very good, Kevin. That's the secret the Time Keepers have which makes us the Time Keepers. The rest of the Pleasant universe would love to know."

  "Well, why don't you tell them?"

  "Mayhem. For all our many faults, we do see fit to abide by a strict set of Laws. We're respected for our adherence to them, and for our all-round goodness."

  "Sorry to sound cynical, but that's, like, subjective, innit? One man's goody is another man's baddy."

  Ware grinned. "Oh, no. No, Kevin. Believe me; you'll know the baddies when you meet them. You think some of the lads on your estate are bad 'uns? You don't wanna meet some of the nasty entities hanging around out there." Ware swept his hand in an arc.

  "And what's this Pleasant universe you and the Doctor are always talking about?"

  "If I say something like 'most of' and what's left over is therefore 'some of, but not all', then if I say Pleasant universe, then...?"

  "Then there's an Unpleasant universe. And... and the Unpleasant universe is what doesn't make up the Pleasant universe?"

  "Got it in one."

  "But that still doesn't explain –"

  "I think David has explained quite enough for now," said Doctor How.

  "Are we there yet?" joked Ware.

  The Doctor rolled his eyes and then addressed Kevin. "We've always been there. Unfortunately, time has moved whilst you've been yakking. You may have noticed that it has a tendency to do that. That movement of time has allowed events to unfold, as you can see." Above the control panel was a projection of the bunker in which the Spectrel was being held. Thickett and Peterson were visible in the gallery.

  "As I said, he does sarcasm by the bucket," said Ware. "He could move into wholesale."

  "But if we're already there, and if we've been there all along, why couldn't we charge David's Spectrel?" said Kevin, exasperated.

  "Because we're still nowhere. We're all around this place, but we're at right-angles to it," said Ware.

  "Then how will we get there?"

  "Just open the door and we'll be there. You'll see."

  "I'm sorry, this is making exactly no sense at all," said Kevin.

  "I said leave it for now," said the Doctor. "David, I'll hold you personally responsible if the poor lad suffers a brain aneurysm. I should warn you that his mother is fearsome. Now, look at this."

  "That's the MI16 agents," said Kevin. "She's well cute."

  "And there was me thinking that it was just our giant beetle's sex-drive that would be a problem on this mission. She was at Imperial. Saw her there as a doctoral student. Peterson. Camilla. Good reputation. The other man is Thickett. Career civil servant. Exactly in the mould of others we've seen before in Sixteen. She'll be the one with the scientific mind and he'll be the odious pen-pusher."

  They watched as the two men in NBC suits emerged from the armoured door under the viewing gallery.

  "So what's the plan?" asked Ware. "This is your op."

  "After we enter the chamber I need to reconnect the Spectrels. We'll jam all the security services' systems, of course –– doors and alarms. You two just need to keep those goons in the Noddy suits busy whilst I work my magic as a jump-start lead."

  "Gotcha," said Kevin. "Like, how long do you need?"

  "Maybe thirty seconds."

  "That's actually quite a long time, Doc," said Kevin. "For example, to smash and grab from a car you've got five, max. A good shoplifting move is, like, two."

  "Kids these days, eh?" said Ware. "Still, I'm glad you're an equal-opportunities employer and looking to fill that critical thieving skills gap so prevalent in the time-travelling com
munity." He winked at Kevin. "It's alright Kevin. You know, his brother –"

  "Leave my brother out of this, David. Please, be serious. I'm relying on you both to keep them busy for thirty seconds. That's all."

  "What do you suggest we do?" asked Kevin.

  "Oh, I don't know. Perform a comedy sketch, ask them what brand of shampoo they use, run around a bit or something. They won't be expecting us, so you'll take them completely by surprise. Now, come on, let's go to the door."

  Doctor How walked to where he and Kevin had entered. A crack of darkness opened in the dazzling white of the wall and formed the shape of a doorway. Kevin stood directly behind him and Ware right behind Kevin. From the projection above the console they could hear Jackson cry out with pain as he touched the badge on the cab. Ware laughed. "That's my girl," he said.

  "Okay," said Doctor How. "Double-quick. Go!"

  The Doctor leapt forward and disappeared. Kevin took two quick steps and found himself in the concrete chamber, next to Ware's Spectrel. The two men in Noddy suits were just a few feet away and were looking up at the viewing gallery. He gawped for a second at the extraordinary transition he had made from nowhere to this place. Ware slammed into his back and he sprawled to the floor, which seemed to be shaking under his body.

  "Don't you learn? Never stop in a doorway," said Ware, grabbing his hoodie and pulling him to his feet.

  Kevin glanced around. Doctor How's red telephone box was glowing brightly right in front of the black cab. The Doctor had climbed up onto the bonnet and was stretching out to connect its badge with the crown on his own Spectrel using his hands as the contacts.

  "That's them!" echoed Thickett's voice from a loudspeaker. It echoed around the chamber. The men in the Noddy suits turned and took a step back as they took in the sudden appearance of a glowing telephone box and three intruders in such a secure installation. "Get them! Arrest those three men!" yelled Thickett.

  "Argh!" croaked Doctor How, as his hands connected the two Spectrels. His body shook and his hair stood on end.

  The two men stepped towards Kevin, who began running. "It's not me you want – it's him!" said Kevin, gesticulating up at Thickett. "He's a paedo!"

  "Metropolitan Police, Child Sexual Crimes Section," said Ware, standing his ground. "Mr Thickett is wanted for perverting the course of justice. And being a pervert."

  "Urgh," gargled Doctor How.

  The concrete floor shook again, enough to make the Doctor slip on the cab's bonnet and lose touch with the crown of his Spectrel. One of the men in Noddy suits fell over. Ware steadied himself against his Spectrel. Kevin tripped over a slab of concrete, which had been pushed up as cracks appeared in the floor. As he lay on the shaking concrete, the floor in front of him erupted in a spray of concrete and mud. He twisted his body just fast enough to dodge a chunk slamming down where he'd been lying. As he tried to get up he felt himself being lifted as the floor rose next to his head and left him at a forty-five degree angle. A pair of black mandibles sliced through the steel reinforcement embedded in the concrete, the slab jerked up to ninety degrees and he pushed back onto his feet. The stench of oil made his head swim.

  A three-foot black antenna swished through the air and knocked him on the left side of his head, crushing the top of his ear against his skull. He felt blood on his hand, and ran back as the front end of a huge black creature emerged from the hole. The slab that Kevin had been lifted on slammed backwards onto the floor with a deafening bang which reverberated around the chamber. One of the creature's legs caught on a metal toolbox and its contents went flying, the tools ringing and clattering to the floor.

  Doctor How took his position on the bonnet of the cab again. The two men in Noddy suits ran for the exit under the viewing gallery and hammered on the massive steel door.

  "Yurgh! David. For God's sake, stun it with your Ultraknife," shouted the Doctor. "It's our only hope."

  "I can't. It's in the glove compartment."

  "Well, open your Spectrel and get it. Argh!" The Doctor's body jerked under the strain of the power coursing through his body between the Spectrels.

  "No, it's in me cab what's back at your place."

  "You left your...? EEE!"

  The rest of the beast crashed through into the chamber, scattering more mud and pieces of concrete across the floor. The panicked men in Noddy suits stopped hammering at the exit, turned and stared in awe and terror, their backs pressed against the door.

  "It was useful on the job. You know, tricky customers, starting the cab on a cold morning, that sort of thing."

  "You idiot. Argh! You know you should never... Ugh! Misuse of......Oonf!"

  "Give him your Ultraknife, Doctor!" screamed Kevin, as the beast turned and began to focus its attention on the humans and Time Keepers.

  "I. Urgh! I can't. Security. It's in my pocket. Can't reach. Yerrgh!"

  "You're bleedin' useless, the pair of you!"

  "Get in the Spectrel," yelled the Doctor. "Turn the Taxi light on."

  "She still won't let me in."

  Jackson and the other man resumed their futile banging at the security door. "Get them!" Thickett screamed. "They control the creature. Do something!"

  Jackson picked up a hammer which had fallen near his feet. He took aim and threw it at the creature's mouth. The hammer hit a set of inner mandibles and the creature hissed, turning its attention fully on the men in Noddy suits.

  "Noooo!" screamed the Doctor.

  It was too late – the creature lunged for the men, punching and ripping a hole in the steel door with a mandible. The Doctor jumped down from the bonnet and reached into his pocket. The creature jerked around and caught Jackson's leg with a mandible, slicing it off below the knee. The severed leg and foot arced up in the air and bounced off the window of the viewing gallery, smearing it with blood.

  "Kill it, Doctor!" shouted Thickett.

  "I can't!" shouted the Doctor. "It's petrochemical. We have no idea what happens when it dies – it could blow us all to smithereens!"

  "The Taxi light just came on!" shouted Kevin. "I'll get its attention."

  The creature was waving its antennae over Jackson, who lay paralysed, blood from his severed leg pouring out onto the floor.

  Kevin ran from the cab and kicked the creature in the area where he thought its reproductive organs would be, then jumped back as it turned to face him. He vaulted the bonnet of the cab. The creature took in the information and hissed. The Doctor ran for Jackson. The creature hesitated, then nature took its course as it saw the amber light on top of the cab. It scuttled around the back of the Spectrel and began to mount it.

  "You're going to be alright," said the Doctor to Jackson, who was losing consciousness. He took out a bandage from his pocket and tied a tourniquet above the man's knee. Jackson's colleague approached him, carrying a heavy spanner. "Drop it," said the Doctor. The man raised the spanner and the Doctor whipped out his Ultraknife and stunned him. The man fell to the floor. The clang of the spanner caused the creature to turn its attention back to Jackson and the Doctor.

  "He's attacking our men!" shouted Thickett over the intercom.

  "He's defending himself," protested Peterson.

  "Well, why didn't he stun the creature?"

  "It could blow up – don't you listen?"

  All this time, Ware had been leaning back against the driver's door of his Spectrel, his palms spread on its flanks, strangely calm and passive. Now that the creature was mounting the rear of the cab, he edged away and turned his back to the Doctor, who was moving his Ultraknife back and forth across Jackson's bloody stump.

  "Kevin, bring me that man's leg," said the Doctor.

  Kevin looked at the creature, looked at Ware, then ran to get the severed leg from the corner of the chamber. The limb was still in its one-piece rubber trouser and boot. The ragged end of the rubber Noddy suit was smeared with blood. It was heavier than he'd thought it would be, and jiggled around in the boot in a sickening way as he jogged over t
o where the Doctor was kneeling beside the groaning Jackson and his unconscious colleague.

  "Can you...?" asked Kevin.

  "Maybe," said the Doctor. "It's a clean cut, but if I can just......" He peeled back the rubber from above the knee, and took the lower leg from its boot. "If I can just connect the major veins and arteries... bit tricky, even in the best of circumstances."

  Kevin glanced around. The creature was absorbed in its act of passion. Ware had climbed onto the bonnet of the cab, just three feet from the creature's head. "Dave," he said under his breath, amazed at Ware's bravery.

  The Doctor looked up and followed Kevin's gaze to see his cousin place the palm of his hand on the crown of the telephone box. "David! No! You're not fit enough."

  "Cobblers. I feel like me old self, Peter. Just you watch this, me old China." Ware reached his palm down to the badge on the nose of the cab.

  "No!" shouted the Doctor. "Get away from there!"

  "I cannot deny my timeline," said Ware. "I am Where once more!"

  Where's palm made contact and closed the connection between the two Spectrels. His scream sent a shock down Kevin's spine. In that instant Where's Spectrel vanished from beneath him. He fell, his head hit the floor with a thwack and his body went limp. The creature's impact with the concrete was louder. It paused for a couple of seconds then let out a loud hiss, its mouth just a couple of feet from Where's unconscious body.

  "Where's his Spectrel gone?" asked Kevin.

  "I haven't got time to explain." The Doctor glanced at his patient, then at the creature, which was turning its attention towards them again. "We have to get out of here, all of us. Now. Grab these and hold them tight."

  Kevin took hold of Jackson's upper and lower leg and pushed them together.

  "David, you bloody idiot," muttered the Doctor. He began creeping towards his fallen cousin.

  "Doctor, how can we help?" asked Peterson over the intercom.

  "Not stealing things you don't understand, for a start," he shouted back.

  "What can we do now?"

  The Doctor glanced around him. "If you can turn that amber traffic light on." He pointed to the set of lights by the exit to the surface.

  "It's a trick," said Thickett. "He wants you to open the exit so that he can escape with his monster."