Searching for Neverland

by Alexander, Monica

  Josh nodded and gave me that sympathetic look again, and I knew why. Searching for a job was probably one of the worst things. Just the idea of sending out resumes and interviewing made me nauseous. I’d been on the other side of the table for so long that it would be odd to be the one being interviewed instead of doing the interviewing.

  I took a sip of the new beer Vanessa had put in front of me.

  “Are you going to look for something in HR?” Josh asked me.

  I nodded. “Yeah. It’s what I’ve been doing since college.”

  I’d worked in a generalist role for four years and then had gotten into recruiting two years earlier when I transitioned to my current, or rather former, company.

  “Do you want to stay in HR?” he asked me, and I gave him a funny look.

  “What else would you have me do? I don’t think the Bucs will hire me to do sports medicine for them, even though working for them would be so cool. Maybe I could work in their HR department.”

  Josh shrugged. “I was just wondering if you might be open to other options,” he said then, and I perked up.

  “Do you have a lead on a job or something?”

  He squinted at me, as he seemed to appraise how open I was to alternatives. I was pretty open.

  “I might have something. I’ll keep you posted.”

  “Awesome. Thanks,” I said, as I hugged him and rested my head on his shoulder for a few seconds.

  * * *

  I hung out with Josh, helping him with paperwork for the bar, until I had to leave for my night class. It wasn’t the most exciting way to spend my afternoon, but it beat sitting home and wallowing about the fact that I was jobless. And I always enjoyed hanging out with Josh while he did bar stuff, so it made the time go by fast. His job was pretty cool.

  I was actually thinking about our afternoon and how I was still a little buzzed from the four beers I’d drunk, so I wasn’t paying attention as I walked from the Sun Dome parking lot at USF with my headphones on. A tap on my shoulder made me spin around, and then I nearly passed out from shock.

  Standing behind me, smiling in a nervous sort of way, was Alex. I slowly pulled one of my ear buds out, as I stared at him, trying to process why my ex-boyfriend/the boy who I was completely in love with, who had broken my heart, and I’d never really gotten over, was standing in front of the business building on campus.

  “Alex,” I said, sounding very unsure of myself as his name came out breathier than I’d intended.

  I found myself drinking in his dark brown eyes, brown hair and full lips that I loved so much when we’d dated. He had a dark and mysterious aura to him that had initially attracted me to him. Ironically, Alex was far from dark and mysterious once you got to know him, but I found his looks putting me back in that trance I’d been in when I’d met him for the first time and had subsequently fallen into again and again. He had a hold over me that no one else did. I didn’t like it, but I also couldn’t fight it.

  “Hi Taylor,” he said, flashing me his signature smile that I shouldn’t have trusted. “I was hoping to run into you here.”

  He reached out to hug me, so I had no choice but to reciprocate, as his familiar cologne invaded my nostrils. When he pulled back, I just stared at him. I didn’t know what to say. It had been years since I’d seen or talked to Alex. Now he was standing in front of me, smiling and hugging me. He shifted his backpack from one should to the other, obviously waiting for me to say something.

  “What are you doing here?” was the best I could do. My mind was reeling.

  “I came back to school to get my MBA,” he explained. “I just started this semester.”

  I nodded. That would explain the backpack. “How did you know I went to school here?”

  He smiled again. “I actually saw your name on a class roster for the fall. We’re both taking Managing Diversity. Well, at least I hoped it was you – there could be another Taylor Ellison enrolled here. Are you in that class?”

  I nodded slowly, wondering what the hell to think of all this. Why did Alex seem so interested in me all of a sudden? Or was he just being friendly?

  “Um, yeah, I am,” I said, shaking my head slightly to get rid of the fog that was surrounding me. This was too surreal.

  He smiled a wide smile that looked genuine. “That’s really great, Tay.”

  “So, what are you taking this summer?” I asked, trying to keep the conversation going although I didn’t know why I wanted to.

  “IBA 1 and Negotiations and Conflict Resolution. How about you?”

  My mind went blank. “Um, Assessing Performance and Designing Sustainable Enterprises.”

  “Cool. Those sound like good classes. I remember seeing the descriptions when I registered.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, they’re pretty good. There’s a lot of overlap, so they’re good to take together.”

  I wasn’t sure why I was telling him all of that, but I was pretty much at a loss for words.

  “Cool, I’ll definitely think about that when I register for the spring semester. Maybe you can help me.” He looked at his watch. “I guess I should get to class. It was really good seeing you. I hope I get to do it again soon.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, me too,” I said, not realizing what I was agreeing too, but when I did, I realized that Alex still had a very strong hold over me that I just couldn’t shake. I’d joked about him with Josh, but truth be told, I still felt something for him.

  “Have fun in class, Taylor,” he said smoothly.

  “Thanks, you too,” I said, as I watched him walk into the business building.

  He paused at the door and turned around. “Maybe we could get together for a drink or something one night after class.”

  My brain was screaming ‘No!’, but my heart was saying something different. It remembered how amazing Alex was and how much I missed him. I knew I should tell him no, but it just wasn’t an option.

  “Sure,” I said and wanted to kick myself for saying it.

  He smiled and nodded his head once. “Great,” he said, before going all the way through the doors and heading up the stairs.

  I needed to go into the same building, but I didn’t think my legs would move at that moment. I stuck my dangling ear bud back in my ear and let the music of The Gaslight Anthem float over me for a few minutes before I headed into the building. Thankfully my class was on the ground floor, so I wouldn’t see Alex before class – although, I wasn’t sure if that was a good or a bad thing.

  I spent the entire class period thinking about him and what our conversation had meant. Had he asked me out? Was he alluding to wanting to start things up again? I didn’t know what the hell was going on. This was the guy I’d wanted to spend my life with, but he hadn’t wanted the same thing. Now, was he telling me he’d changed his mind? I had no idea what to think.

  * * *

  When I got home that night and found the house empty, I headed straight to my room and changed into my pajamas. I climbed directly into bed and turned on the TV. I needed to stop myself from getting out the pictures of Alex and me from when we’d dated. I didn’t need to look at him and see us happy together. He’d broken my heart, and I had to keep that in mind.

  Instead I watched a new episode of New Girl on my DVR in an effort to block him out, but it didn’t work all that well.

  I was laying on my stomach with my pillow under my elbows, mentally debating with whether I wanted to enter into another go-around with Alex if the opportunity presented itself when Josh knocked on my open door. I looked up to see him leaning against the door frame.

  “Hey, what’s up,” I said, rolling onto my right side.

  “Nothing much. I just wanted to see how class was and to see how you’re doing with the whole no longer having a job situation.”

  I sighed. “I’m doing okay. I’ll figure something out,” I said, waving my hand in dismissal. I didn’t want to think about being unemployed. It was too depressing. “But it’s funny you should mention class. Do yo
u have a minute?”

  “For you? Sure,” he said, grinning as he came in and sat on the bed opposite me, so I turned around to face him and paused the DVR.

  “Did you go out with Kimmy tonight?” I asked, trying to keep my voice light when I spoke of her.

  “I did,” he said, opening a can of Coke that I hadn’t noticed he was holding. He took a sip, and I stuck my hand out. He passed it to me wordlessly.

  “Thanks,” I said, as I took a sip and handed it back to him. “Did you have fun?”

  He stretched his legs out in front of him and leaned back against my pillows. “Yes.”

  “Are you going to elaborate on that?”

  “Nope.”

  “Okay, then. I won’t ask any more questions about it.”

  “Good. So, what’s up?”

  I could tell he was still mad at me for being so judgmental about Kimmy, so I dropped the subject. I had enough drama of my own to worry about.

  “Well, I sort of ran into Alex before class tonight,” I said, biting my lower lip, as I waited for his reaction.

  “Really?” he finally said, sounding slightly surprised as he took another drink of his soda.

  “Yeah, he’s going back to get his MBA too. He just started this summer. I ran into him outside the business building. He said he was hoping to run into me, it was great to see me and then,” I paused for dramatic effect, “he asked if I wanted to get a drink after class sometime.”

  I watched Josh’s face, but he just nodded. He didn’t react like Allison would have. Had she been the one sitting on my bed listening to my story, there would have been a lot of shock mixed with shouting and profanity. Allison hated Alex.

  “Now you’re freaked out?” Josh guessed.

  “Damn, you can read me well.”

  “Well, you’ve only obsessed about him for three years, so I can only assume that’s how you’re feeling. Plus, you look a little pale.”

  I put my face down in my pillow. “What am I supposed to do?” I whined, hoping he would have the answer.

  “What do you want to do?”

  “Make out with him,” I said into my pillow, but it must have come out mumbled, because Josh didn’t understand me.

  “What?”

  I lifted my head up and looked at him. “I miss him,” I said instead of repeating my other statement. This one sounded more appropriate.

  “So go out with him. What could it hurt?”

  “Me!” I squeaked. “It could hurt me. I don’t want to get hurt again. I fell too hard with him the last time. He always sucks me in, and I’m the one who ends up all broken-hearted.”

  Josh sighed. “Tay, you’re older, he’s older. Maybe he’s different. I don’t know. All I can tell you is I know how much you want this. Believe me, I’ve been on the receiving end of too many comments from you when you are, granted, drunk, but either way, I know you’re not over him.”

  “I’m not!” I cried, putting my head in my pillow again. I knew I was being a drama queen. “What if this is it, J?”

  I couldn’t stand the excitement of that possibility. Maybe that was why I’d never gotten serious with anyone else. Maybe I’d been holding out for Alex, knowing that he would come around eventually.

  Josh shrugged but then smiled. “Then we’ll all be happy for you, obviously.”

  “I hope it is,” I said, knowing that I meant it.

  Alex had meant the world to me, and being with him would mean no more bad first dates, no more searching for Mr. Right, and no more wondering if I was going to be eternally single.

  “I hope it is too,” Josh kindly said, getting up from the bed.

  “Thanks J,” I said, as he started to walk out of the room.

  He turned to face me, a serious look on his face. “Just let me know when I need to move out.”

  It honestly broke my heart to hear him say that. I didn’t want him to move out. It was bad enough that Allison was leaving at the end of July. Josh couldn’t go too.

  “No way,” I said. “You and I are going to be roommates forever.”

  “Okay,” he said, mocking me. “But, I don’t want to hear anything coming from this bedroom that isn’t sleeping. Who knows what’ll happen when ya’ll two get back together.”

  “Oh, ha, ha,” I said, as I threw my pillow at his head. His face broke into a grin as he ducked out of the way. “You are just hilarious.”

  “Just calling them like I see them,” he said, as he headed down to his room and closed the door.

  I thought I heard him start talking to someone on the phone, but I wasn’t sure. No way was he talking to Kimmy. He’d just seen her. I closed my door before I could find out. I honestly didn’t want to know.

  * * *

  The next day, I slept in, went for a run, came back, took a shower, spent the day finishing a paper I had due the following week, read a few articles for my other class, and had one of the best days I’d had in a while. It was so stress-free. I never thought getting laid off would have its benefits, but it totally did.

  I figured I needed to update my resume and my Linkedin profile, but I wasn’t exactly in the mood to do that, so I decided to put it off until the following week. I was taking a mini-vacation, which I thought I totally deserved.

  And then Cole texted me, and my day got even better. He asked me if I’d wanted to see a movie that night, and I got so excited about the prospect of going out with him that I actually pushed all thoughts of Alex out of my head. I also conveniently forgot all the bad feelings that Josh had forced into my head about Cole when I said yes. He had asked me out, I reasoned. He couldn’t be that bad of a guy. We were just going to see a movie – no big deal. There was no obligation for post-date sex if I wasn’t feeling it.

  My mind flickered to Alex, though, as I thought about our conversation the night before. But after having slept on the idea, I decided that I’d gotten way ahead of myself. It wasn’t like he’d made plans with me or even asked for my number. He had just briefly mentioned possibly doing something. I figured it was a long shot, whereas Cole was the one who was actually texting me and asking me out. He was a much more appealing option with, hopefully, less baggage. So, I went out with him.

  And I almost had a good time – almost – because he’d apparently left out that we were double-dating with Josh and Kimmy. Apparently Cole liked Kimmy and thought the four of us would have a great time together. He didn’t know my opinion of her couldn’t have been farther from his.

  So, the four of us went out. Ironically, Cole didn’t try anything, which had me baffled, but at the same time, it had me relieved. On the one hand, I was glad that he hadn’t followed through on the ‘wanting to fuck me’ comment, but on the other hand, he hadn’t even acted interested in anything physical. Okay, so it was sort of awkward that we’d been with Kimmy and Josh, but either way, I’d at least hoped to get that kiss I’d wanted the other night.

  Kimmy didn’t seem to let up though, in fact, she enjoyed glaring at me whenever Josh wasn’t looking. I think she honestly thought I was sleeping with her boyfriend, and part of me wanted Cole to kiss me or hold my hand just so she’d back off. I felt bad for Josh that his girlfriend was so insecure, plus I wasn’t a big fan of people who hated me for made-up reasons.

  By the time Friday rolled around, I was enjoying my jobless existence and looking forward to a fun night out with my friends. I hadn’t heard from Alex, so I was sort of writing him off, and double-suck, I hadn’t heard from Cole since our date on Wednesday. So I met up with Casey for lunch, and we ended up spending the afternoon at her pool. She talked me into sending Cole a flirty little text, just to say hi.

  “Anything yet?” she asked, as she walked back over to me. She’d run up to her apartment to grab us some sodas.

  “Nope, nothing yet,” I said, looking up at her and trying to keep the disappointment out of my voice.

  “Maybe he’s still at lunch,” she rationalized.

  It was feasible. It was only one-thirty in th
e afternoon, so he could be at lunch.

  “Could be,” I said, shrugging slightly.

  “Keep me posted,” Casey said. “I’m going to do some laps. I didn’t work out today, and I’m feeling flabby.”

  I laughed. There wasn’t an ounce of flab on that girl.

  I glanced once more at my cell phone, just to make sure that I hadn’t missed a text. I hadn’t. Then, I closed my eyes, put my ear buds in and started to drift off.

  Twenty minutes later, my phone vibrated next to me. My eyes flew open, and I grabbed eagerly at it, hoping that it was Cole. It was!

  Hey cutie. Channelside on Sat. will rock – counting down.

  Okay, so the message didn’t leave much that I could respond to. Our group usually went to Channelside on Saturday nights, so I’d hinted to seeing him there when I’d texted. He’d basically echoed my sentiments. Not an epic text.

  A minute later, my phone vibrated again and my heart jumped thinking it was him. It wasn’t. It was Allison.

  Champps @ 7:30 – cool?

  Sounds good, I responded. Anyone else going?

  Corey, Kyle and Josh. Invite anyone else you want – see you at home.

  Aha! That was a brilliant idea. I would invite Cole. I quickly picked up my cell again and scrolled down to the text he’d sent me. I could just pass it off as a casual friends thing. No big deal.

  Any fun plans for tonight?

  I hit send before I could chicken out. Then, I spent the whole afternoon waiting for his reply while flipping through fashion magazines with Casey and trying to distract myself. By five o’clock I still hadn’t heard back from him and knew I needed to head home so I could shower and get ready for dinner. I hoped maybe he’d text me on his drive home from work.

  I kept my cell on my lap, on vibrate, the entire way home, but I didn’t get a single text. Trying not to be irritated, I focused on what I wanted to wear that night. If Cole wasn’t going to text me back, I’d just put him out of my mind and go have fun with my friends. I would see him on Saturday.

  Allison wasn’t home when I got there. She was probably over at Corey’s. It was seriously like they lived together already. I was sure I’d get a text from her letting me know she’d just meet me at the bar, so I poked my head into Josh’s room as I walked past. He was lying in bed watching an NCIS rerun, so I walked in and sat down on the edge of the bed.