Searching for Neverland

by Alexander, Monica

  “Excuse me?” I said, crossing my arms as I took a step toward them. “Let him come out? What the hell is that crap?”

  Sean shrugged. “You can stay with the kids. He can come out and play with us.”

  “Sean, get out of my face right now before I punch you.”

  He looked taken aback. “What did I do?”

  “You’re a chauvinistic asshole,” I whispered, so no one else could hear me.

  “Hey guys,” Josh said, as he came up behind me and threaded his arms around my waist. “What’s going on?”

  “Your ‘wife’ won’t let you come out with us,” Sean told him.

  Josh squeezed me a little tighter, mostly because he knew if given the chance, I would lash out and hit Sean. “That’s because I’d rather stay here with her, and she knows it.”

  I smiled at Sean, and hoped he read it as a big ‘fuck you’. I loved him, but he could be an ass when he was drunk.

  “Dude, come on,” Cole pleaded, and I knew he was at least genuine. He’d missed hanging out with Josh, and they’d just reconnected three days earlier.

  “We’ll go out next week, okay?” Josh offered, and then he whispered to me, “Is that cool?”

  “Sure. That’s fine.”

  He kissed me on the cheek. “That’s why I love you.”

  “Fine, whatever,” Sean said. “Have fun on diaper duty.”

  “Whatever, douchebag,” Josh called after him, as he and Cole shut the front door behind them.

  “Josh,” Savannah asked from very close behind him.

  “Yeah, Van?”

  “What’s a douchebag?”

  “Uh,” Josh said, and I just started laughing.

  Neither of us was prepared for this whole parenting thing, and it was completely obvious.

  “Who wants ice cream?” Josh asked, instead of answering her question.

  “Me!” three voices said in unison, and Savannah’s question was forgotten.

  “Nice going,” I muttered, as I followed Josh into the kitchen. “Bribe them so they’ll forget you have a potty mouth.”

  He looked back at me. “Hey, I’m not the one who said shit three times yesterday,” he whispered.

  Yeah, he had me there.

  * * *

  As the weeks went by, I started to think this whole temporary parenting gig wasn’t so bad. Sure, Savannah could be temperamental, and I was concerned that Caleb wasn’t as fine as he led on, but other than that, they were great. Did I miss my freedom? Yeah. Were there moments when I wanted to scream? Definitely. But I kept telling myself I was doing this for a good cause, and I was helping out Josh. I could have been selfish and told him to get his own place, but I hadn’t. I’d told him I’d stand by him, and I planned to do just that. Even when Savannah got up at four in the morning and wanted to watch cartoons or when she threw up all over the sofa or when she threw one of her famous temper tantrums. I loved Josh, and this was what you did for someone you loved.

  Besides, it was just temporary.

  “Taylor?” Savannah asked me one day when I was folding laundry.

  I felt like I did a lot of laundry, and I was constantly picking things up off the floor – shoes, toys, food – it was like living with Josh times ten.

  “Yeah sweetie?”

  She stuck her thumb in her mouth. “Whensth my mommy coming back?”

  She looked up at me with those big brown eyes, and it made my heart melt. I started to tell her when Caleb opened his mouth.

  “She’s not coming back,” he said, not bothering to turn around. He kept his gaze focused on the book he was engrossed in.

  “Caleb!”

  He didn’t bother to look up at me.

  “Shesth not?” Savannah asked, her eyes starting to fill with tears as she looked to me for confirmation.

  I drew her into my arms. “Oh, sweetie, of course she’s coming back. She’s just getting all better, so she can take good care of you guys.”

  “She never took good care of us before,” Caleb muttered.

  “Seriously, Cale, stop it,” I warned him, and he looked up from his book, his gaze murderous. In my arms, his sister started to cry.

  “Stop yelling,” she cried into my shirt.

  “Don’t call me Cale. Only Josh can call me that because he knew my dad. You didn’t know him.”

  I mentally reeled at his harsh comment. “Okay, I’m sorry, but please be careful of what you say in front of your sister. Your mom is coming to get you guys next week.”

  Savannah was shaking in my arms, and I was holding her as tightly as I could without hurting her. “I want my mommy,” she wailed.

  “Why? She should hear the truth. Mom isn’t coming back for us. And what do you care, anyway? You’re just here because you’re Josh’s girlfriend. You’ll get tired of us and leave once you realize the truth.”

  “Excuse me?”

  My stomach churned, and I thought I might get sick.

  “You heard me,” he snapped.

  “Go to your room,” I told him, working like hell to keep control of my voice. I could not cry in front of him.

  “Screw you. You’re not my mom.”

  “No, I’m not, but since she’s not here right now, you’re stuck with me, so you’d better get used to it. Now, go upstairs and wait for Josh to come home or no Playstation for a week.”

  Caleb glared at me, threw his book down and stomped toward the stairs. “I hate you,” he hissed at me. “Come on, Van.”

  Savannah, tears streaming down her cheeks, pulled away from me and ran over to her brother. He instantly grabbed her hand, looked at me smugly and stomped up the stairs.

  As soon as I heard the door to their room slam shut, I burst into tears. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I was in way over my head, and I had no idea what the hell I was supposed to do. It was the first time Caleb had snapped at me, and it broke my heart. I had no idea what I’d done to him.

  My tears slowly turned to anger, and I picked up my cell phone to call Josh who was doing a walkthrough at the bar. The construction was wrapping up and we were having our grand re-opening a week from Saturday. My mother was coming by over to watch the kids, and she was bringing Tanner, so Josh and I could go to the party.

  We were both thrilled with the finished product too. I’d been over there the day before, and Sean and Cole’s crew had done a phenomenal job with the remodel. The place looked brand new, and the fireplace was just the right touch. Leanna was set to come in with her crew on Monday to decorate, and move the furniture in, and we’d officially open on Saturday.

  Josh and I had asked my Uncle Stu take pictures of the trendiest pubs in Dublin and email them to us, and Leanna had worked her magic to recreate our vision. From what I could tell from the sketches she’d drawn up, it was going to be pretty freaking awesome when it was all said and done.

  And I’d worked my ass off promoting the place and leveraging what I’d done in recruiting to sell the new concept of O’Donnell’s – a trendy, neighborhood Irish pub – and I was excited to see the turnout.

  Our goal was to have three nights of parties, all with different themes over the first weekend we were open, which was Labor Day weekend, to draw out new people who hadn’t frequented the bar before. We would be exhausted by the end of it, but it would be totally worth it.

  Carlie was set to be released from treatment the following Sunday, and she’d decided to move into an apartment nearby. Josh had set up the lease for her and had offered her a job at the bar until she got back on her feet. He’d even registered the kids for school since it was starting on Monday.

  He hadn’t visited her, but she’d been allowed to talk on the phone, and she’d been in good spirits from what he’d told me. She said she couldn’t wait to see the kids and get them settled in their new place. Caleb wasn’t thrilled that they weren’t going back to Atlanta, and I wondered if that was what had him in a mood. I wasn’t sure why he wasn’t more excited about his mom coming home – or why he’d fel
t the need to take it out on me.

  With shaking fingers, I called Josh.

  “Hey, baby,” he said after two rings.

  “I need you to come home,” I told him, the floodgates opening again. I’d tried to hold back, but it just wasn’t happening.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked, the panic in his voice apparent. “Is everyone okay?”

  “Everyone except me,” I cried.

  “Okay, okay. Calm down. I’ll be there in five minutes.”

  “Okay,” I whimpered, wishing I could keep it together.

  I lost it as soon as I hung up the phone, and Josh found me sitting amongst the unfolded laundry bawling my eyes out and feeling like a complete and total failure.

  “Hey, no crying,” he said, as he sat down next to me and pulled me into his arms.

  I started to cry harder as I clung to him, his familiar, comforting scent overwhelming me. I felt like I hadn’t seen him in weeks, and even though he’d been right there with me, with the kids around, I felt like we hadn’t had one bit of alone time. By the time they were usually asleep, all we had the energy to do was lie on the couch and watch TV before falling asleep. And we hadn’t had sex in weeks. It was no way to start a relationship.

  “This is so much harder than I thought,” I cried, my hands fisting into his shirt as my tears soaked the front of it.

  “What is?”

  “Having them here,” I said, the guilt overwhelming me.

  “Oh,” Josh said, stiffening next to me.

  “I’m sorry,” I gushed. “I am, but I feel like I don’t have my own life anymore. All I do is laundry and make food and clean up after them, and when I’m not taking care of them, I’m working my ass of doing stuff for the bar. I haven’t had any me time in weeks. And I don’t know if you and I are okay, and Caleb hates me, and Savannah’s going to take his side, and they’re both going to hate me, and then you’ll hate me. Everything is falling apart!”

  Josh’s arms tightened around me, as he pulled me closer. “Shh, shh, baby. Don’t say things like that. No one hates you, especially not me, and the kids love you. I’ve seen them with you. And we’re fine. I know this has been tough, but it’ll just be another week. And then you and I can just be together.”

  “Are you sure it’s just going to be a week?” I mumbled into his shirt. “You said it might be up to six weeks.”

  I felt over-the-top guilty for wanting the kids to be back with their mom, but Caleb had pushed me over the edge, and everything little that I hadn’t let get to me over the three weeks they’d been with us was weighing so heavily on me. I couldn’t help it. I was not cut out to be a mom. I sucked at it.

  “I talked to Carlie today,” he shared. “She’s still doing really well, and the doctors are going to release her next Sunday, just like they originally planned.”

  “Okay.” I hated that I was relieved to hear that, so I pulled back to look at Josh, wondering if he could read the relief I felt. “The kids will be really excited.”

  “They will, and it’s okay if you are too.” He kissed my forehead. “Tay, I know it’s been hard, but thank you for doing this with me. I’m honestly not sure if diving in headfirst into pseudo-parenting was the greatest idea, but having you here made it so much better than if I’d been on my own.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  “And the bar is going to be amazing,” he continued. “I know it’s been a lot of work, but because of you and your ideas, it’s going to be better than I ever imagined.”

  “Thank you,” I said gratefully.

  He smiled at me and kissed my forehead. “Now what happened with Caleb?”

  “Ugh. He hates me,” I told him before launching into the recap of our argument.

  Chapter 24

  Caleb and I got over our disagreement pretty quickly. Josh went upstairs to talk to him, and whatever he said worked, because ten minutes later, Caleb came down and apologized to me. He even told me I could call him Cale if I wanted, and we moved forward relatively unscathed.

  Monday was the start of school, and although I knew Carlie wanted to be there, she wouldn’t be home until Sunday. So Josh and I drove the kids to school on their first day, made sure they got to their classrooms and met their teachers. I was grateful they were attending the same school where Allison taught, so at least someone would be looking out for them. She’d come over a few times to play with them, and they’d taken to her instantly.

  Of course I shouldn’t have worried. Caleb, being the mature fifth grader he was, barely let me hug him before he walked into his classroom with his shoulders back, the confidence apparent in his demeanor. And by the time I left Savannah in the kindergarten room, she’d already started playing in the fake kitchen with a little girl with blond hair.

  I smiled and waved at her as I walked out, and she called out, “Bye Taylor. Love you.” And it nearly melted my heart.

  I would miss them. As much as I was looking forward to regaining my freedom and my relationship and my social life, I would miss seeing them and hanging out with them. But I knew Josh and I would see them frequently. They were living just down the street, and one of us would be watching them whenever Carlie was waitressing at O’Donnell’s. We’d get our fill of them for sure.

  Josh and I spent most of the week decorating their new apartment and getting it ready for Carlie to move in with them. We had it all planned out that Josh would pick her up on Sunday and take her to the apartment, and then I would bring the kids to meet them. We told Caleb the plan, but we wanted to let Savannah be surprised, so we told him he had to keep the news that she was coming home a secret.

  On Thursday, I made plans to have lunch with Allison since she wanted to talk wedding ideas. She and Corey were getting married in April, so we had to start planning soon. She’d be at the party we were throwing Saturday night at the bar, but I knew I’d be busy and it would be loud, so I wasn’t sure we’d get a chance to talk. Lunch seemed like the best idea.

  I timed it so I’d be able to do a little shopping before going to get Caleb and Savannah since I wanted to buy a new outfit for the party. Caleb had seemed in good spirits that morning, and I knew he was excited to see his mom in a few days. I truly believed he thought she wasn’t coming back, and to know that he would see her soon gave him hope that everything would be alright.

  After school I pulled up in front of the school like I’d done for the past three days and waited for the kids to come running outside. Caleb always held Savannah’s hand, because she would likely run in front of a car if he didn’t. She had trouble realizing danger was nearby, so I was glad he looked out for her.

  When I didn’t see them after ten minutes, I started to get worried. And after twenty minutes, I picked up my phone to call Josh. When I touched the screen, I saw I had ten missed calls from him, and somehow my phone had switched over to silent, so I hadn’t even heard it ring. Panic flooded me. I just knew something was wrong.

  “Taylor!” Josh shouted, as soon as he answered the phone. “Do you have the kids?”

  “No,” I answered, wondering why he sounded so panicked, and how he knew the kids weren’t with me. My heart started pounding and blood rushed through my ears. Something was wrong, and we both knew it. “Josh, what’s wrong? What happened? Where are they?”

  I was losing it, as all around me parents drove off with their kids. I looked frantically around for Caleb and Savannah, wondering if maybe I’d missed them.

  “Carlie’s not at the rehab facility,” came Josh’s distressed voice.

  “What?!”

  “The doctor said she checked herself out this morning and took a cab. I have no idea where she is.”

  “Do you think she has them?”

  I had no idea why I was panicking about Carlie picking up her kids, but something about the situation didn’t sit right with me, and I was suddenly so concerned that they were in danger.

  “I don’t know. Probably. Check with the front office. I’m going to call Caleb’s cel
l.”

  “Okay, call me back if you get ahold of him.”

  Josh ended the call before saying goodbye as I flew out of my car and narrowly avoided getting hit by a minivan that was passing by.

  I stormed into the office, and the secretary looked up in alarm. “My kids are missing!” I blurted out.

  She looked at me in bewilderment for a few seconds before she calmly and efficiently asked, “Which kids are yours?”

  “Caleb and Savannah Vassar,” I answered quickly. My hand flew to my chest in an effort to still my rapidly pounding heart.

  The secretary consulted a ledger in front of her before glancing back up at me. “Their mother picked them up at noon today.”

  “Noon?! What the hell did she pick them up at noon for?” I asked, as my heart rate started to slow. They were with Carlie. They were okay.

  I hoped.

  My phone started ringing in my hand, and I looked down to see it was Josh.

  “They’re with Carlie,” I told him without preamble.

  “I know. I just talked to her,” he said, and it sounded like he was gritting his teeth. “She checked herself out of the facility this morning, rented a car, and came and got the kids.”

  “She was allowed to do that?”

  “Yeah. She went in voluntarily, so they let her go, I guess. I tried to call her doctor, but they won’t tell me anything since I’m not related to her.”

  Shit. We had no idea if she was stable or not.

  “Are the kids okay?”

  He sighed. “Yes, they are, but they’re on their way to The Keys.”

  “The Keys?! What the hell, Josh?”

  “Fucking Carlie,” he murmured, and I wondered if this wasn’t the first time she’d done something like this. “I told her school just started, but she kept saying she didn’t get to take her kids on a summer vacation, so they were going now. They’ll be back on Sunday.”

  “Sunday! But they have school tomorrow.”

  “I know, but she doesn’t care, and she’s their mother.”

  “Josh, we have to do something. They can’t miss school. It’s the first week.”

  “They’re not legally ours, Tay. There’s nothing we can do.”