Searching for Neverland

by Alexander, Monica

  “No, Caleb. Don’t ever think that. You loved her so much, and she knew it. I don’t think anything could have helped your mom. She was really sick.”

  He nodded, but I knew it would take him a long time to realize I was right. This was all too much for a kid to digest, and I hated that he had to deal with it at all. He’d already had to deal with losing one parent.

  Caleb looked up at me, and I could see hope mixed with something else in his eyes that I realized was fear. “I think I want to see her. I want to say goodbye.”

  Flashes of the police and the horror movie scene downstairs flashed in my head, and I shook it vigorously. I would not let him go downstairs. No way.

  “No, Cale. You can’t, but we’ll have a funeral for her, and you’ll get to say goodbye then.”

  His shoulders slumped. “I guess she’s not really in there anymore. Do you think my mom’s in heaven?”

  I nodded, having no idea if I was right or not, seeing as our family had never really been religious, and I was even less familiar with The Bible’s stance on suicide, but I truly hoped Carlie was in a better place now.

  “Yes, I think she is.”

  “Do you think she’s with my dad?” he asked hopefully.

  I smiled. “Yeah, buddy, I do. I think she’s with your dad.”

  He nodded. “Then she’ll be okay. He’ll take care of her.”

  God, my heart was literally breaking into pieces.

  “What will happen to Savannah and me now?”

  “You’ll stay here,” I answered automatically, having no idea if that was even feasible. We weren’t their family, but it seemed like the most comforting answer in the moment. I was sure we’d deal with the legal stuff later, but it wasn’t important just then.

  “Okay.”

  A knock on the door caused us both to look up. Josh stuck his head in the door and Caleb launched his body into Josh’s arms and started crying again.

  “I know. I know,” he said, as he stroked Caleb’s back and let him cry. Then he looked up at me. “They want to talk to you.”

  I nodded and headed downstairs to talk to the police.

  Before I got to the top of the stairs, Josh called out to me, and I turned around. “I’ll call Brad in a few minutes and let him know we won’t be in tonight.”

  I just nodded, having completely forgotten about the party we were hosting that night at the bar. Things had shifted so rapidly that my brain wasn’t even acknowledging more than what was going on in front of me and how I could shield the kids from it all.

  “Thank you. I love you,” I said softly, but in that moment I realized how lucky I was that he was even standing in front of me.

  The reality of what could have happened had started to hit home, and I knew just how close I’d come to losing him. I also knew that based on how I was feeling, that would have destroyed me, and what I felt for him ran so incredibly deep – deeper than I think I ever realized.

  He smiled a small smile and mouthed, “I love you, too.”

  Chapter 27

  “Where are we?” a sleepy Savannah asked as soon as I pulled into my parents’ driveway.

  She’d been asleep for a few hours, and I’d made Caleb stay with her while Josh and I talked to the police and they did their examination of the potential crime scene and called the coroner in.

  The whole time we were downstairs, I noticed neither Josh nor I faced the direction of the front hall or looked over at what the police officers were doing. It was not like watching CSI, and what took minutes on that show, took hours as they pieced everything together just to be sure Carlie’s fatal injury had been self-inflicted.

  I’d never been interrogated by the police before, and I was suddenly afraid of blurting out something incriminating, even though I hadn’t done anything wrong. The whole process was unsettling in more ways than one. Josh held my hand, and I tried not to think about the fact that there was a dead body in my house, and we now had two orphan kids upstairs, and we had to tell one of them that her mother was never coming back. Inside, I was starting to freak out.

  How in the hell did I get here? Was the burning question that rotated over and over again in my mind. My life had overnight turned into a made-for-TV movie.

  “We’re at my Mommy and Daddy’s house,” I explained to Savannah.

  Caleb, who was sitting next to me in the front seat, turned around to look at her. “Van, you remember Tanner, right?” Savannah nodded. “This is his house. We’re going to get to play with him.”

  I noticed how he diverted her attention to things she was comfortable with. She loved Tanner. I should have gone that route, but I was like a fish out of water, and the whole night was finally starting sink in, and I was in serious danger of losing it in front of the kids.

  “Where’s Mommy?” Savannah croaked, her voice scratchy.

  “Mommy’s not here right now,” Caleb explained, in the strongest voice I’d ever heard on a ten year-old. The kid was a rock when he needed to be. “We’re going to spend some time with Josh and Taylor again.”

  “O-thay,” Savannah said, as she stuck her thumb back into her mouth.

  I practically collapsed into my mother’s arms as soon as I saw her. I dropped the three backpacks I was carrying – one for Savannah’s clothes, one for her school things, and one for my things to stay overnight. Josh would be there in an hour or so after he finished dealing with everything still going on at the house. I had no idea how we’d handle cleaning up the mess in the front hall, but I guessed we’d figure it out.

  I’d called my mother, not sure where else we could go since we couldn’t stay in the house, and all my other friends lived in one-bedroom apartments or had roommates, including Josh’s mother who had moved to a condo on St. Pete Beach after his father passed away. My mother was more than happy to welcome us into her five-bedroom house that had more empty rooms than ever since Trey had moved out.

  “Thank you,” I said, as I hugged her tight. In that moment, I really needed a hug and the comfort only my mother could provide.

  “We’ll talk later,” she whispered in my ear before she pulled back from me and knelt down to be eye-level with the kids. “You must be Caleb and Savannah. I have heard so much about you from Taylor and Tanner.”

  “I’m Caleb,” Caleb offered, as if there was some kind of question, and I had to stifle a laugh.

  Savannah just sucked her thumb and stared wide-eyed at my mother.

  “Well, it is nice to meet you, Caleb. I’m Liz, and I’m Taylor’s mom.”

  He nodded. “Is Tanner here?”

  “Tanner was just taking a shower, but he’ll be down in a few minutes. What do you guys think about having some ice cream while we wait for him?”

  “Yeah!” Savannah cheered, taking her thumb out of her mouth. Caleb just shrugged.

  “Mom, can we actually get them some real food?”

  Caleb had told me they’d gone through the McDonald’s drive-thru around three, but they hadn’t eaten anything at our house, so I knew they were hungry.

  “Sure, sweetie. Why don’t you get them settled, and I’ll heat up some leftovers.”

  I smiled. My mom had been so used to cooking for a big family that she never really stopped, so leftovers were always plentiful.

  “Come on, kids,” I said, ushering them over to the breakfast nook. “Van, you want some milk?”

  “I want juice,” she told me.

  “And I want a soda,” Caleb told me.

  They both earned a raised eyebrow at those requests. “You can have milk or water. It’s eight o’clock at night.”

  “Milk,” Savannah said cheerfully, and Caleb said, “Water’s fine.”

  “Okay, I’ll get your drinks,” I said, as my dad walked in, followed by Tanner, whose hair was still damp.

  “Well, who do we have here?” my dad boomed in his larger than life voice.

  “Daddy, this is Caleb,” I said, as I placed my hand on top of his head, “and this is Princess Savan
nah.”

  “I’m a princess?” she asked, looking up at me wide-eyed.

  “You sure are,” my dad said, as he slid into the chair next to Savannah. “Where’s your crown?”

  Savannah looked at me. “I don’t have one.”

  I raised an eyebrow at my dad, hoping he knew what he was doing. Now that he’d brought up a princess crown, Savannah would want one.

  “Well, it’s a good thing I do,” he said, producing one of the crowns Taryn had won in the three years she did beauty pageants when she was around Savannah’s age.

  Savannah’s eyes got wide as my dad placed it on her head. She turned to me in amazement. “I’m a princess, Taylor!”

  I nodded. “You are a princess, Van – a very beautiful princess.”

  “I know a story about a princess,” my dad offered. “Do you want to hear it?”

  Savannah nodded eagerly as she looked up at my dad in awe when he launched into his make-believe story.

  I looked over at Caleb who was engrossed in some new video game my brother was playing on his NintendoDS. He looked up when he felt my eyes on his. I smiled and he smiled back. I knew he would be okay.

  It would take time, but he would be fine. He’d mentally prepared himself for this night, not that it made it okay, but because of that mental preparation, he’d manage through. Savannah would be a different story, but we weren’t telling her anything until the next day when we could all tell her together.

  “Taylor, can I go upstairs and play DS with Tanner?” Caleb asked tentatively. “I can stay up late since there’s no school tomorrow, right?”

  “Yes, you can stay up later, but only after you eat your dinner,” I told him. I figured he’d earned a break after the night he’d had.

  “Dude, it’s so good. Mom made chicken fried steak, mashed potatoes and green beans.”

  I bit my lip to keep from laughing. My brother was a cool kid in so many ways, but he was the only kid I knew who got excited about vegetables.

  Caleb made a face. “Do I have to eat my green beans?”

  “Um, yeah. Why wouldn’t you,” I told him.

  “Aww, mann,” Caleb grumbled.

  My mom laughed behind me, and I turned around to look at her at the same time the microwave dinged, so I got up to get the kid’s food. She was grinning at me as I came around to her side of the bar.

  “What?”

  “You’re really good with them,” she commented. “And they listen to you.”

  “Yeah, well, they lived with us for a month, so we established boundaries already. Caleb knows he needs to eat his vegetables.”

  She laughed again. “You sound like a mother.”

  I froze, and then a warmth spread throughout me at her words that hadn’t been there before when I’d been accused of the same thing. Maybe it felt different because it was coming from her, and she was the best mother I knew. I wasn’t sure, but it sort of made me look at the situation we were in just a little differently.

  “I do?”

  She nodded. “Yeah, you do. Get them settled, and then why don’t you and I go have a cup of tea outside. Rick will keep an eye on them, won’t you dear?”

  “You got it,” my dad responded, and I knew he was loving being back in his element. It had been a long time since he’d had a little girl to tell stories to, but he’d always been so good at it when Taryn and I were little. “I’m just practicing for my role as grandpa. Maybe Taryn will have a little girl.”

  My heart warmed at the thought that my parents were so open to Taryn’s situation. I was glad she’d have the support she needed since she apparently wasn’t going to ask Noah for it.

  “You’re a grandpa?” Savannah asked my dad.

  “I will be in a few months,” he told her.

  She looked at him speculatively. “Can I call you Grandpa?” she asked, and I had to cover my mouth to keep from gasping out loud. “I’ve never had a grandpa.”

  I thought my dad might tear up right there. “Sure, you can call me, Grandpa,” he told her, and she beamed.

  He looked up, caught my eye and winked, and I just smiled at him.

  A few minutes later, my mom and I settled on the back porch with our cups of tea.

  “So what happens now?” she asked.

  I shrugged. “Who the hell knows. I told Caleb they would stay with us, but I don’t even know if that’s feasible.”

  My mom’s eyebrows shot up. “Taylor, do you understand what that means?”

  I nodded. I’d been thinking about it ever since I’d told Caleb. “I do. It means they’d be ours, full time, for the next thirteen years, at least.”

  “I thought you didn’t want kids, that you were happy with your carefree existence,” she said, and there was just the slightest hint of mocking in her tone.

  I shook my head. “I don’t think I do, but at the same time, these kids don’t have parents. Their mother just killed herself, their only grandparent lives in Hawaii, and their only aunt probably can’t afford to take them on full-time. I can’t let them go into the foster care system. I couldn’t live with myself.”

  “Have you thought about the impact it will have on your life and your life with Josh? You’ve only just started dating, and you two just bought the bar. What will you do now?”

  I was starting to get agitated with her and her twenty questions. I hadn’t even processed some of those things yet.

  “I don’t know, Mom. Everything just happened, and I’m still trying to figure it all out. Josh and I haven’t even talked about any of this yet. I just don’t know.”

  “You might have to fight a legal battle.”

  I sighed. I hated when she did this.

  “Yes, Mother, I know. I’m well-aware that this could be a long, drawn out process, and that it could put a strain on our lives and our relationship, but honestly, could you turn your back on those kids?”

  My mother glanced toward the bay window in the kitchen where we could see the kids laughing at something my dad was saying.

  “Did you give Taryn this same lecture?”

  She sighed. “Your sister’s situation is very different. It’s her baby, and you know I don’t believe in abortion. She made her bed, and I think she should lie in it – with Noah or without him – but your situation is a choice.”

  I shook my head. “And I don’t see it that way. I might miss my freedom, and I might have days where I feel like I’m in over my head, but I also love those kids, and I’d do anything for them and for Josh.”

  She smiled. “Then I think you’ll be fine.”

  I narrowed my eyes at her. “Was that a test?”

  Was she trying to see if I’d say the right thing to prove I really cared about the kids?

  She shrugged. “No, but Taylor, parenting is hard, especially when they’re not your kids from birth, but if you want to do this as bad as it sounds like you do, then you’ll be fine.”

  I smiled at her. “And you’ll babysit when Josh and I need a break?”

  “Absolutely. You know my biggest fear in life is an empty nest. Maybe you and Josh will decide to have a baby of your own and keep them coming.”

  I laughed. “Uh, I think we’re good for now. Maybe you can talk to Trey.”

  She looked appalled. “Bite your tongue, Taylor. I don’t even want to think about my baby having sex let alone being a father. He’s much too young for that. He’d better not be so stupid as to get some girl pregnant at his age. I mean, come on, in this day and age of condoms and oral contraceptives, how does one get pregnant ‘by accident’?”

  I laughed again. “You should ask your other daughter that question,” I suggested, and she just shook her head.

  I knew she’d asked Taryn that same question, and Taryn hadn’t been able to supply a good answer. My mother didn’t know that her crappy receptionist job had offered her benefits only after she worked for the company for ninety days, and Taryn hadn’t bothered to get supplemental health insurance, so she’d gone off the pill and
the condom they were using had broken. It was just a series of bad decisions that led to a giant ‘oops’ that she’d be dealing with the for the rest of her life, but maybe it would teach her to be more responsible.

  A commotion in the kitchen caused us both to look in that direction, and I saw Josh standing in the kitchen as the kids assaulted him. He looked exhausted, although he had showered and changed.

  “I’m going to head inside,” I told my mother, and she just nodded.

  * * *

  A few hours later, after the kids were settled in bed, Josh closed the door to my childhood bedroom and ran his hands through his hair.

  “This was not how I expected today to go,” he said, as he sat down next to me and dropped his head onto my stomach. I stroked his hair.

  “It just sucks,” I said, for lack of anything better in that moment, because truthfully, it did suck.

  “How could she do that?”

  “I don’t know,” I answered, because none of it made sense.

  Then Josh sat up and looked at me. “No, seriously, how could she just abandon her kids like that? They already lost their father. She was all they had, and she just took it all away. She took away any chance she had of getting better and being the mom they needed her to be. And it pisses me off that she was so selfish.”

  “Josh, she was really sick.”

  He swiped at his eyes that had started to tear up. “No, she was fucking selfish, and she wasn’t better. She needed to stay in rehab and work on getting better, but she was in such fucking denial that she didn’t take it seriously. And the worst part is that I had her convinced to go back there. I’d talked her into checking herself back in the next day and getting the help she needed and even taking the medication the doctors wanted to put her on, but then she turned on me. She fucking turned on me, and she pulled out that damn gun. And do you know what she said to me?”

  I shook my head.

  “She said she’d been a prisoner for too long, and who was I to send her back to a place where they were trying to hold her captive and do experiments on her brain. She was terrified, and I fucking kept pleading with her when it was the last thing she needed. She told me she was trapped inside her body, and she hated it. She knew the things she was feeling and thinking were insane, and she hated being crazy. And she hated me for thinking she was crazy. I tried to tell her that the medication would help, but she didn’t believe me. She just wouldn’t listen.”