Walking Wolf Road (Wolf Road Chronicles Book 1)

by Brandon M. Herbert

  “For my part, I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you Jimmy. But I’ve watched you your entire life, I’ve seen you obsess over the imaginary father you didn’t have, while you ignored what was right in front of you! John is a damn good man, and it’s high time you sort your shit out boy and realize he’s one of the best things that ever happened to you. The only thing you ever needed from Taylor was my blood, and you had that all along.”

  I settled into stunned silence, lacerated and raw. Qhipe’s hands and face gentled as we resumed our trek, leaving the shoreline. I let him lead me through the trees, numb and distant while my mind wandered through an abyss of memories both fond and painful.

  Something he’d said flipped a switch inside me. Like he’d shoved a mirror in my face and no matter how much as I hated the ugliness it showed me, I couldn’t look away. Not this time. The mirror showed me my life, my memories, for the first time outside of my own head.

  Wow. You were such an asshole.

  Thank you for stating the obvious, brain. John wasn’t perfect, far from it, but I had made it hell for him. The realization made me queasy, uncomfortable—

  Ashamed…

  I couldn’t escape. I’d always found a way to shirk responsibility onto someone else, but I couldn’t unsee the Jimmy that I’d seen in the mirror. I’d blamed John for so many things that were my fault, while I unconsciously sabotaged my own life. Like bombing my grades every time we moved to punish him. Or, even better, constantly reminding him that I didn’t accept him as my father, refusing to even call him ‘dad’. I tried in every way I could to rub his face in the fact that my mother had made a child with someone else.

  Guess it’s finally time to put on your big boy britches and grow the fuck up.

  The temperature dropped as we pushed further than ever before into the dark woods, until blowing plumes of snow broke the perfect black onyx of the trees. It grew thicker and heavier until we stepped out of the woods and were blinded by the reflective mirror of ice that sprawled out before us.

  A cold land of permanent frost stretched from the blazing crimson sunset on one horizon, to the dancing colors of the aurora on the other. Above it all, the full moon reigned dead center in the sky.

  Motion caught my eye under the aurora. Shadows bounded over the tundra, flinging snow behind their paws. It was a pack of five or six wolves, all led by my black wolf with his tail held high like a flag. With mounting despair I watched as they drove through the snow away from me toward the darkness of night.

  I tried to follow them, mired by the thick snow, until I glanced toward the sunset. I froze as I watched the human silhouettes move against the blood red horizon; three adults of differing heights and a youth half as tall as his father. My family also walked away from me toward the calling light of day.

  Lupa’s voice purred behind me and I turned my head just as her wolf form emerged from the misty forest like a ghost, “The time has come…”

  Agony tore through me as my arms were yanked out to the sides, throwing Qhipe to the ground. Fiery pain spilled down my chest, splitting my heart. I looked at my wrists and saw the cords, long shimmering strands stretched from my wrists to the diverging packs of wolves and humans. As the two groups strained for their horizons, I was drawn in agony between them.

  “Lupa, what’s happening?” I cried out as a fresh lance of pain tore a sharp cry from my throat.

  “You have dawdled too long, and now you must choose.” She said, and walked in front of me. My body convulsed as my muscles fought to hold me together and bones popped in my sternum, “Will you become a wolf, and let your body die so you can run wild and free forever? Or will you let your wolf go, once and for all?”

  “Wha—what do you mean?” I strained to speak but I could barely breathe and fell to my knees. I would have fallen down but the tension between the cords held me up.

  Qhipe picked himself up from the snow with pained eyes, “The bridge is burning Jimmy, and you’re standing in the middle of it. Which side will you run to? It’s time to choose which road you will walk…”

  I finally understood. My depression had severed me from this place, so Raven forced my hand… Pulled my soul back here to decide what I would lose. But, how could they possibly ask me to give up something I could never live without?

  If I chose my wolf, my human body teetering on the edge of the abyss would die. But if I returned to my human body, I would lose my soul, my identity, my entire reason for existence.

  I would die either way.

  A fresh flare of pain tore an anguished scream from my throat as hot tears spilled down my cheeks. How could they? My life was mine; it always had been and always would be.

  It’s not unnatural to die… I thought with sudden clarity. There’s nothing wrong with a natural death.

  I met Lupa’s eyes with a defiant glare, “You cannot ask me to give up half of who I am. I’m dead either way. I’m not afraid to die anymore, so get it over with!” I screamed at her and she lunged. I closed my eyes and exposed my throat for release—

  I never felt her fangs pierce me, but the pain vanished.

  A gust of cold wind blew snow onto my face, and I frowned. Confused, I cracked my eyes open and saw the tundra field. I looked at my wrists and saw why the pain had stopped.

  Lupa held the cord that bound me to my family in her jaws, her yellow eyes locked on me as she fought the tension.

  On my left, Qhipe’s arms shook from the exertion of holding the wolves’ cord. “Do you realize what you are asking Jimmy?” he asked, the knife with the antler hilt in his hand. “If you choose this middle road, you will truly walk forever between worlds. You will never—never completely belong to either. Spirit bound to flesh, wolf bound to man, but never wholly one or the other. This is a lonely road that only the strongest can survive. Is this really what you want grandson?”

  I closed my eyes as the enormity of my decision threatened to overwhelm me. But really, what choice did I have? I looked up at the moon overhead, and felt a determination I’d never known before settle into me, “Yes… I choose to walk between the worlds.”

  With a swift motion, Qhipe drew his knife through the cord while Lupa clenched her teeth down and they simultaneously severed both tethers.

  My family disappeared into the light of the sun as it fell completely below the horizon and disappeared with them. The pack disappeared over their horizon and the aurora dispersed into a few dancing wisps of light before it died out completely, and left me under the cold light of an impartial moon.

  “I’m proud of you Jimmy,”Qhipe said as he knelt down in the snow and wrapped his arms around me, while Lupa leaned into my side and rumbled her assent. A strange sensation washed over me at his words. “You chose the hard path, but it’s the path to strength and pride. You made a good choice…”

  Lupa looked into my grandfather’s eyes, and something unspoken passed between them. He smiled sadly at her and muttered, “Hello again old friend. I guess the time has come hasn’t it Hnt’llane?” As he spoke, I heard Raven flew out of the woods and circled over us with an urgent ‘kark’. We glanced up at Raven, as Qhipe swallowed and grew pale.

  The entire mood shifted, and I felt nervous. Qhipe looked at me, his face earnest as he spoke, “Jimmy, I’m so sorry, but we’re out of time.” He lifted his rough warm hands to my face and pulled my head forward to touch my forehead to his. “There was so much I wanted to teach you, about your heritage, about our medicine, about… about life. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me, and here I am, about to leave you again.”

  “What are you talking about Qhipe, you’re already dead, it’s not like you can die again…” my voice sounded sure, but his silence shattered my certainty. “Qhipe?”

  “Jimmy, you need to learn faith,” he said, the resignation clear in his voice. “Sometimes the way you want things to be, isn’t how they’re supposed to be. You need to trust that things will work out how they need to, whether you like it or not. That incl
udes what happens to me. This is the only way I can help you now.” He stood up and pulled away from me

  “No, no you can stay here.” I tried to bargain with him even though my voice cracked. I tried to stand up and grab him but my wounded leg folded underneath me, “You can teach me all about our family, our tribe, shamanism, any of that crap! I’ll meet you at the lake every night and we can—”

  “Shh, Jimmy, it’s okay. I made my choice, just like you did. Nature has a balance that must be kept, Wolf and Raven both know this and you need to learn it as well. The world cannot have life without death. Just remember that as long as you’re alive, then a part of me still lives inside you…and that’s worth it to me. I’m proud of you boy.” I heard what the gruff words actually said.

  What he really meant was ‘I love you’ and ‘goodbye’.

  My eyes burned and I felt powerless as I watched him kneel down in the snow in front of Lupa and close his eyes.

  “No, Qhipe wait—” I forced myself to my feet despite the pain and lurched toward him. Before I could reach him, he leaned toward Lupa until their noses touched—

  —and he changed right before my eyes.

  His dusky human skin blurred at the edges and a wave washed back from her touch.

  “Qhipe!” I cried as his human shape melted into a powerful black form, and he turned familiar amber eyes on me. I heard his voice in my mind, though at the same time it was my voice, the voice of my wolf. “This way, I will always be a part of you.”

  Part overjoyed, part shattered, I embraced him, and he lay his head down over my shoulder. I drank in the warm furry musk of his mane, the coarse tickle of his fur.

  I felt like I had finally come home at last.

  “It’s time,” Lupa said to me and touched my nose with hers, just as my wolf and I were wrenched backwards through the woods and past the lake with breathtaking speed. I held him tightly to my chest as we passed through the mist and burst back into the searing bright sun of the valley I’d arrived in.

  Raven’s massive shadow fell over us as he swooped down and plunged into my chest. Violet light exploded over us and I choked on my scream as we were yanked into the water. We exploded from the surface on the other side, back into the dark cold night of the physical realm.

  I hugged my wolf close and the two of us merged, just like my dream with the pool, as Raven winged us up the side of the mountain to my body. I saw people below us, waving around flashlights. I realized they were probably looking for me. It felt like half a day had passed in the spirit world, but hardly any time had passed here.

  As Raven winged us higher, a terrible sound rolled off the mountain. It seemed impossible that a human throat could even make a sound like that, but as we neared my body I saw the crouching figure that had made it.

  Surreally, I watched John turn my body over. My lips were blue and my body moved stiffly under his hands as he pulled me up to his chest and kissed my forehead. Tears spilled down his cheeks and caught in his beard when he closed his eyes and held my head to his shaking chest, “My boy… my boy…”

  Frantic, John pulled off his coat and bundled it under my head and then started C.P.R. “Jimmy! Come back to me! Please God, give him back to me—” he sobbed as he tried to restart my heart.

  After all the years I’d spent trying to hurt him, I felt tears spill down my face as I hurt for him. “I’ve seen enough Raven, please put me back!” I pleaded. When I turned to look back at the bird, a man stood in its place. Like Lupa, he looked Native American, but with long black hair and cobalt blue eyes just like mine. Around his neck he wore a necklace draped over his bare chest, raven’s skull and several black feathers hung from it.

  “Lay down over your body, kid.” Raven said, and I did as he said.

  Raven cupped his hands over the top of my head and blew air through them. I felt my soul expand to fill the flesh like a balloon filling a mold; forming into place.

  Nothing happened.

  I looked up at Raven as his eyes went completely black and he whispered, “Never forget; you bear my mark…” Then he placed his hand over my heart and violet light washed over us as his power jolted into me.

  I’d forgotten the pain of physical life until merciless sensation roared over me like electric fire and my eyes snapped open. I drew in a gasp that was part scream as I came back to life…

  “Jimmy!” John cried as I coughed and struggled for air. My body convulsed as nerve endings flared back to life all over my body while the oppressive dense weight of flesh sent me into a panic.

  A familiar sensation swept through me as my wolf rushed to the surface; but he smashed into the glass ceiling just as he was about to fully emerge. I closed my eyes to keep John from seeing them change color while he bundled me up in his coat and carried me down the mountain.

  By the time we reached the SUV, my shifting energy was hard at work repairing my body. John cranked up the heater as high as it would go as Loki and her parents came running back from their search, relieved to see me. Loki’s dad grabbed some thick wool blankets from the back of his truck to wrap me up as Loki’s mom poured me a hot cup of coffee from a thermos.

  Loki ran up and hugged me, before she pulled back and yelled, “What the hell were you thinking?” She stomped away from me, angrily wiping tears off her face. John thanked Loki’s mom and dad for coming out to help look for me.

  “Of course John, we’re glad he’s okay. These kids have had one hell of a year haven’t they?” Loki’s dad replied as he shook John’s hand. Loki and her parents loaded into her dad’s truck and drove off, leaving John and I alone.

  “We need to go get Jake and your mom; they were looking for you at Fen’s cemetery.”

  “Oh…” I muttered, that made sense, “how did you find me?”

  “I did a GPS trace on your cell phone,” he said and looked away with a distant expression.

  “Are you okay?” I asked. He looked at me for a moment, and then smiled and looked off into space again while muscles worked in his jaw. When he spoke, it was barely a whisper.

  “It’s not easy being a dad… Nobody ever warned me about the sleepless nights, the worrying, the fights you’d have with yourself and your kid.”

  “What are you talking about?” My ears perked forward to catch every word.

  “I’m sorry Jim…” Tears formed at the corners of his eyes and slowly traced down the lines of his face. “I’m—so sorry—that I couldn’t be the dad that you wanted. That I couldn’t be the father you needed me to be…” His voice broke under the weight of a decade’s pent up emotion.

  He embraced me as he cried and his body shook. Tears of my own slipped out as he rocked me back and forth. “And I’m so sorry that I hurt you when Fen died, I just… You can’t even imagine the terror I felt, the helplessness; I didn’t know what to do, that bullet came inches from you!”

  I blinked as wheels sprang into motion in my head. I’d never thought of it that way…

  “Dad,” I muttered, and meant it, “I’m sorry I’ve been such a shit. I just never felt like I was good enough for you, I only ever wanted you to be proud of me.”

  He sniffed and tried to smile around his puffy bloodshot eyes. “I am proud of you Jimmy! I’m sorry I never told you enough, I just knew you were capable of so much more, and it frustrated me when you didn’t try. Don’t you ever think for a moment that I don’t love you, or that I won’t support you.” He took a deep breath and wiped his face on his sleeve, “I should clean myself up before Jake and your mother see me. She thinks I’m the strong and silent type, I can’t let that reputation break now or else I’ll really be in for it!”

  “Mum’s the word. Oh, and dad?” I called as he turned, “Thank you… for everything you’ve done for me…”

  He smiled deeply and reached out to ruffle my hair, “It’s been my pleasure. Just, please stop running away like that…”

  I laughed and said, “Sure thing.” When I looked into his blue eyes, I saw what I’d been looking
for all along. Genes were all that were necessary for someone to make a child, but it took way more than just DNA to be a Dad.

  Somewhere deep inside me, the dragon let out an anguished shriek as more pieces of its darkness rotted and faded away. Light broke through the bleeding holes, wounding and dragging it closer to annihilation. The beast was a shade of its former self; so much of its strength had been drawn from my conflict with John—which too was fading into the past—and now the dragon was dying… it was only a matter of time…

  We picked Mom and Jake up and drove home while Mom unleashed a torrent of frustration on me. I only half listened, distracted by wolf squirming inside me like a hyperactive puppy. I realized then just how much more aware I was of my wolf than ever before; he wasn’t just some amorphous presence that occasionally showed itself that I referred to as ‘my wolf’ anymore. He was Wolf; he was me, and yet at the same time he was more truly himself, more free and unbound within me than ever before.

  As happy as that made me, sadness washed through me every time I thought of my Qhipe. Fen had been so afraid of ghosts, of Corwin’s soul or his dad’s unbecoming. Yet I’d been forced to watch my own grandfather sacrifice everything he ever was and could have ever been for me… I grieved over losing something I’d just found; but at the same time, I finally allowed myself to find some measure of closure where my bio-dad was concerned. It was time to let go.

  The next day was sunny and warm. Melting snow ran in rivulets down the side of the mountain as John and I pulled my car free with his SUV When we got home, I called Loki and asked her to come over, but she was still upset with me.

  “Loki, please, I need to talk to you. I need to tell you what really happened last night.” I pleaded, and after a moment of silence, she sighed, and agreed.

  I picked her up and we isolated ourselves downstairs in the Dungeon. At last, I told her almost everything. Well…almost everything. I came clean about Wolf’s desertion and my depression, Raven, and the Lowerworld.

  Finally, I told her about Qhipe and almost started to cry. “It felt like the first chance I got to finally connect with that side of my family, it was snatched away from me again. I know nothing about the guy, I don’t even know his real name; all I know is that he was my grandfather. But… he sacrificed his soul to give me a second chance.”