How to Survive a Horror Movie

by Seth Grahame-Smith

  So how do you force the filmmakers into using one? Easy. There are two main categories of montage: the Prep and the Honeymoon. The Prep follows a character as he or she studies or trains for some nearly impossible task—usually a school test or sporting event.

  The Honeymoon tracks a relationship through its early days—holding hands in the park, painting their first apartment (oh look, they’re splashing paint on each other!), and so on.

  Therefore, there are two main methods of jumpstarting a montage:

  Start a new romance. Don’t be picky. You’re not choosing a life partner, just someone who’ll stick with you through a Mariah Carey ballad.

  Get in way over your head. If you’ve never thrown a punch before, sign up for a boxing match. If you’re on the shallow end of the IQ pool, challenge a Nobel laureate to a battle of wits. In other words, totally screw yourself into spending the next five minutes of the movie in a series of gyms or libraries.

  2. BE PREPARED FOR SLEEP DEPRIVATION. If your efforts to jumpstart a montage fall flat, you might just have to do this the hard way—by staying awake for seven days. And if that’s the case, you’ll need to know what to expect as the hours pass:

  • Diminished problem-solving skills. You might want to schedule those Mensa exams for another week.

  • Irritability. That’s right, I said you’re being a total dick. Now what are you gonna do about it?

  • Diminished motor skills. Is it getting harder to turn the pages?

  • Difficulty focusing your eyes. If you’ve waited too long to read this section, it probably looks like this.

  • Short-term memory loss. As you become more and more sleep deprived, you might experience as you become more and more sleep deprived, you might experience some memory loss.

  • Paranoia. I’m watching you read this book. Right now, at this very second. I’m always watching. We’re all watching.

  • Hallucinations. In extreme cases of sleep deprivation, a person might become convinced that … hey … why is my hand that flying dog thing from The Neverending Story?

  3. COMBINE STIMULANTS. When you’re pulling an all-nighter during finals, you can get by on a cocktail of coffee, energy drinks, and diet pills. But that time-honored combo is only reliable up to about the 36-hour mark. Once you cross the two-day barrier, relying on mass quantities of caffeine and sugar just doesn’t cut it. To make it to the finish line, you’ll need to drop the sugar altogether—sure, it lights you up for a little while, but it also sends you plummeting into the depths of sleepiness afterward. You’ll also need to strictly regulate your caffeine intake—taking small doses throughout the day and night (as opposed to a few gigantic doses, which also leads to sleepy crashes).

  Then, you’ll need to combine these artificial pick-me-ups with more natural forms of avoiding bedtime:

  Temperature. You know that wonderful feeling when you snuggle under the warm covers on a cold winter’s night? Well, it’ll kill you. Keep as cool as possible, even if it means standing in the refrigerator or pouring ice cubes down your pants.

  Light. This is especially important in the Terrorverse, where the vast majority of the day is shrouded in darkness. Try to remain in brightly lit areas at all times, and avoid windows like the plague. The goal is to throw off your body’s internal clock.

  Movement. Just as a rolling stone gathers no moss, a moving person gets no sleep.

  Discomfort. Don’t cut off your eyelids or anything (although that’d do the trick). Try the discomfort associated with “holding it in.” Make sure to drink plenty of water to keep your kidneys busy, and don’t worry—all that caffeine will take care of everything else.

  4. EAT RIGHT. And eat often. Just as it’s vital to regulate your caffeine intake, it’s important to keep your metabolism even—as opposed to riding the three-meal roller coaster. Ever wonder why you get that food coma after a big meal? It’s because your body is transferring its energy to digesting that big lump of take-out you shoveled past your gums. Instead, eat small, long-energy meals around the clock. Focus on foods that provide a steady stream of power, namely complex carbohydrates (pastas, grains) and proteins (meat).

  5. HIDE IN THE DELETED SCENES. If you feel like you’re not going to make it—if you can’t go another day without grabbing some shut-eye, hide in the deleted scenes. After shooting, editors delete scenes that prove unnecessary—perhaps because they do nothing to move the story forward, feature poor performances, or simply run too long. Therefore, you should try to spend all your time being as pointless, unconvincing, and long-winded as possible.

  EJECTION SEAT #2:

  THE JARRINGLY GOOD DIALOGUE

  Should you find yourself in the clutches of certain death—fangs to your neck, knife to your throat—there are only four proven methods of making a last-minute escape, methods called Ejection Seats because of their drastic, last-resort nature.

  Ejection Seat #2 is the Jarringly Good Dialogue. The JGD works by delivering a line that’s far too lyrical or thought-provoking for a horror movie. Delivering such a line temporarily paralyzes the killer as he awaits further instruction from the screenwriter, whose ego has shattered after realizing that they never could have written something that good. Don’t worry—nobody’s expecting you to pluck Shakespeare out of thin air. Simply memorize one of these classic movie lines and keep it handy for the occasion:

  “In all the gin joints, in all the towns, in all the world … she walks into mine.” —Casablanca

  “Old age. It’s the only disease, Mr. Thompson, that you don’t look forward to being cured of.” —Citizen Kane

  “A man who tells lies, like me, merely hides the truth. But a man who tells half-lies has forgotten where he put it.” —Lawrence of Arabia

  “Horror has a face … and you must make a friend of horror.” —Apocalypse Now

  *Ironically, this is exactly what most horror movie babysitters end up with.

  CHAPTER III

  INANIMATE EVIL

  THE MANMADE INSTRUMENTS OF DEATH

  MR. HALLORANN

  You know, some places are like people. Some shine, and some don’t.

  —THE SHINING (1980)

  Most of our horror movie enemies are people. Slashers, vampires, zombies, and ghosts all are or were human beings. Even aliens and demons fall under the sentient being umbrella. But sometimes evil has no flesh. Sometimes it lurks not in the hearts of men, but in bricks and mortar. Chrome and steel. Antique tea sets. Inanimate enemies can be even harder to defeat than their able-bodied counterparts. You ever try to stab a three-bedroom Colonial?

  Believe me, it’s not very effective.

  HOW TO SURVIVE A HAUNTED HOUSE

  In the old days, spotting a haunted house was a piece of cake. It was always the creepy Victorian with the unmowed lawn and freakishly large weather vane.

  But that was then. In the modern Terrorverse, it doesn’t matter if the house is falling apart or brand-spanking new, sitting atop Graveyard Hill or shoehorned into an exclusive gated community. Any combination of wood, concrete, and paint can be haunted. And for that reason, every horror homeowner should know what to do in the event of a ghost or poltergeist infiltration.

  Remember: In horror movies, you don’t gut the interior … the interior guts you.

  1. CONFIRM THAT THE HOUSE IS HAUNTED. Just because your zip code is 00666 doesn’t mean you have to run screaming every time a floorboard creaks. Even in the Terrorverse, sometimes a strange noise is just a strange noise. On the other hand, sometimes it’s a portal to a dimension of unspeakable evil.

  To help homeowners tell the difference, two professors at the University of Eastern West Berlin (Drs. Brenton Sabellico and Eric Dugre) came up with their famous questionaire of the 10 Questions in 1964. Homeowners simply circle “Yes” or “No” after each question. If you answer “Yes” to three or more of these questions, we can conclude beyond any reasonable doubt that your house is haunted. Proceed to step 2 immediately.

  THE 10 QUESTI
ONS

  Do the faucets or showerheads bleed? YES/NO

  Did the previous owners die as the result of a murder or suicide? YES/NO

  Does furniture rearrange itself when you aren’t looking? YES/NO

  When you reach into the refrigerator, does your arm appear in another part of the house? YES/NO

  Are there Civil War-era children playing in your attic? YES/NO

  Does the house issue verbal or written warnings? YES/NO

  Does the temperature suddenly plummet if you discuss remodeling? YES/NO

  Do you feel more compelled to murder your family with an ax than usual? YES/NO

  Are Native Americans constantly showing up to ask, “What happened to our cemetery?” YES/NO

  Does the house contain any candelabras? YES/NO

  2. ONCE YOU’VE CONFIRMED THE HAUNTING, LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. There are two things you can’t change in this world: a husband who lets the dishes pile up, and a haunted house. Both lead to nothing but frustration, fear, and, eventually, a gruesome death. If the 10 Questions come back positive for a haunting, get out. Don’t pack up your things. Don’t go for one last dip in the half-finished swimming pool. Run. Now.

  3. ESCAPE ON AN X AXIS. If the Y axis measures something’s vertical position, the X axis refers to its horizontal location. Now, this next point is very important:

  Inside a haunted house, moving along the Y axis gets you killed.

  If you’re upstairs, do not go downstairs. If you’re downstairs, do not go upstairs. Zigzag to your heart’s content. Run around in circles. Whatever you do, maintain altitude. If you’re on the second floor of a haunted house, crash through the nearest window. In fact, do the same thing if you’re on the first floor. Yes, you’ll probably get hurt. But cuts and bruises are better than having your soul sucked into purgatory with a bunch of dead people who lost their road map to Hell.

  4. BE ON THE ALERT FOR COMMON HAUNTED HOUSE TRICKERY. You’re eager to leave, but the house is just as eager to keep you around. Once it realizes you’re trying to escape, it’ll throw every trick in the bag at you.

  The Endless Hallway. A classic. As you run toward that door to salvation, the hallway becomes longer … longer … impossibly long. Countermeasure: A burst of willpower is usually all it takes. But closing your eyes is an easier way of neutralizing the effect. Just stick your arms out, and feel your way down the hall.

  The Zero-Gravity Room. You’re dragged up the walls by some unseen force. Countermeasure: Easy. Sing Lionel Richie’s “Dancing on the Ceiling” and act like you’re having the time of your life. The house will vomit you out the front door.

  Coffin Whack-a-Mole. All the coffins from the graveyard you (so rudely) built a house on start shooting through the floor. Countermeasure: Inappropriately grope the corpses. The house will vomit you out the front door.

  The Reappearance of a Dead Friend/Child. As the house becomes desperate, it’ll deliver some low blows. The most common is recreating someone who’s recently died. “Mommy … where are you going? Why are you leaving me?” Countermeasure: If the house isn’t pulling any punches, neither should you. Address the “person” in front of you as the house, and tell it something that will set it off. Something like: “You should know … I’ve been sleeping in a condo.”

  5. DO NOT GO BACK INSIDE. If you do manage to escape, don’t look back. Keep running, no matter how many screams echo through the night and no matter how fun it might be to watch the house fold itself into a point of light no bigger than the period at the end of this sentence. Never, ever go back.

  Unless it’s for the dog.

  WHAT TO DO WHEN AN EVIL VEHICLE WANTS YOU DEAD

  The engine purrs, the doors lock, and Martha and the Vandellas’ “Nowhere to Run” crackles over the radio. Just one little problem:

  You haven’t put the key in the ignition yet.

  Cars and trucks are dangerous enough when someone’s behind the wheel. When they start driving themselves? You might as well give Helen Keller a bazooka. In horror movies, once a vehicle becomes self-aware, there’s only one thing it wants in its tank: blood. And until it’s topped off (or sent back to the scrap heap of Hell), no one’s safe. It won’t break down, it won’t misjudge a corner, and it definitely won’t stop until everything in its path is road kill.

  1. IF YOU’RE IN THE VEHICLE, GET THE HELL OUT. Cars and trucks can take punishment that would turn the human body into a bag of liquefied organs. Knowing this, the naughty ones often go Kamikaze, locking their prey inside and kissing a telephone pole at 90 miles an hour. Result? They get towed, you get buried.

  If you’re trapped inside a stationary evil vehicle, use anything you can to smash a window, climb out, and run. However, in the more likely event that the vehicle is moving, you’re going to have to smash that window and jump for it before you become a permanent part of the steering column.

  1. Apply the emergency brake. This might slow you down slightly (assuming the vehicle lets you engage the brake). If it’s a manual transmission, you can try downshifting. But don’t get your hopes up—most evil vehicles don’t accept user input.

  2. Jump perpendicular to the direction of the vehicle. Don’t fling yourself under the rear tires, which would be counterproductive to your survival.

  3. Aim for a forgiving landing site. Grass, sand, and tall brush are more preferable to pavement. Anything’s preferable to a tree trunk.

  4. Tuck and roll. As you fly through the air, pull your arms, legs, and head close to your chest. When you hit the ground, roll to dissipate the energy of your impact.

  2. IF YOU’RE NOT IN THE VEHICLE, SCAN YOUR IMMEDIATE SURROUNDINGS. You may be safe from spilling your brains all over the dash, but you can still be rammed, crushed, and run over. Take a quick look around—is there anything to shelter you from an attack?

  Things that will provide protection from evil vehicles:

  High ground. This might come in the form of a steep, gravel-covered hill, cliff, or rooftop—preferably one that’s attached to a sturdy building.

  Deep water. An 18-wheeler can do a lot of things, but swimming isn’t one of them. If there’s a lake, river, or ocean anywhere in sight, get wet.

  Industrial buildings. Is there an office tower nearby? A shopping mall? School? Concrete is your friend.

  The woods. In most horror movies, the last thing you want to do is run into the woods. But if the trees are dense enough, they’ll stop most vehicles in their tracks. Now all you have to worry about are the 3,000 other things coming to kill you.

  Things that won’t provide protection from evil vehicles:

  Single-family homes. Anything with a wooden frame can be breached by an evil vehicle.

  Chain-link fencing. In movies, chain-link fencing might as well be rice paper with a bull’s-eye on it.

  Utility poles and radio towers. They certainly qualify as high ground, but they’re too flimsy—especially if your pursuer is an evil truck or a construction vehicle.

  Other vehicles. This is a horror movie, remember? Any car you enter is guaranteed to have a faulty engine.

  3. COUNTERATTACK. Hopefully, once you’ve found a safe place, the vehicle will get frustrated and drive off to its next victim. But if it keeps coming, you have no choice but to engage—and quickly. Waiting it out is not an option. For starters, the evil vehicle can wait a lot longer than you can. Also, it can summon other vehicles to its aid at any minute. And if that happens, there’s not an office tower in the world that will protect you. There are only two surefire ways to bring down an evil vehicle:

  Shred the tires. Depending on just how evil it actually is, a vehicle might have the ability to repair itself. But that ability is almost always limited to its metal portions. Therefore, evil cars and trucks have an Achilles heel—four of them, actually. Find a way to pop the tires, and your enemy will be struggling to back out of the driveway.

  Torch it. Fire: the great horror movie equalizer. Flames wreak havoc on everything from wiring to upholstery, and o
nce the flames reach the gas tank …

  4. MAKE SURE IT’S DEAD. When the evil engine finally gives out, you need to move quickly to make sure it stays dead for good. First, crush it. This will require speed, since the car might be trying to repair itself. If you don’t have access to a junkyard compactor, drag it to the bottom of a hill and roll a boulder onto it. Or take it to the woods and cut a sequoia down to fall on it. Or park it on some train tracks. Be as creative as you want, but work fast.

  Once you’ve smashed it to bits, gather up all the metal scraps and take them to a steel mill. Melt the scraps into liquid and have it cast into several small ingots. Take the ingots out to sea (a deep lake will do) and throw them in the water one by one, letting great distances pass between each ingot’s watery grave, just to be on the safe side.

  5. MAKE SURE IT NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN. If you want to permanently keep your car in neutral (paranormally speaking), consider the following:

  Don’t give your car a pet name. Not only is it dangerous, it’s downright pathetic. Stop buffing the hood with a diaper and go find out what it feels like to kiss a girl.

  Buy foreign. I’m just as red, white, and blue as the next guy, but facts are facts—97 percent of all the evil vehicles featured in horror movies rolled out of the Motor City.