Brothers and Keepers

by John Edgar Wideman

  But one. A young, skinny kid with a beard. Guess he was listening cause he says I know what it’s like to be a stranger in town. I’ll give you guys a ride. My car’s just down the street.

  Coulda kissed the little honky. He wouldn’t even take no money. Said he knew what it was like being a stranger in a strange town. Said he wasn’t doing nothing. Didn’t have no place to go, he’d take us anywhere we wanted. He was one nice cat, really. But back then gas wasn’t but fifty-some cents a gallon.

  He takes us all the way over to the Hill to Mike’s car. Kinda kid likes to talk so I run a conversation on him. We was best friends by the time he dropped us off. You know me. Kid asked a whole lot of questions so I’m steady making up lies. Feeding him buckets full of shit. Some fantastic story about being from out of town and the business we was in and how much we stay on the road and what it’s like in places I ain’t never seen the inside of. Making shit up as I go along. It got good to me. Like I’m half believing it, it sounds so good. Anyway we best buddies by the end of the trip. The kid taking it all in. Gee whiz, and Wow and Groovy and Far Out. That kind of kid. A good-hearted little white dude cause it’s night and he got three niggers in his car he don’t know from Adam. Took us to the Hill, too. Blackest part of town. Woulda took us to West Hell, I believe, long as I kept feeding him lies. You run into people like that every now and again. Like they in their own world and shit. They ain’t got all the hang-ups most people got. See, to him it was just an adventure. Captain America rescuing three spooks and shit. A good deed and shit and he ain’t thought nothing about being mugged or robbed or having his throat slit. Innocent. You know what I mean. Ain’t gon tell you no lie now. We was scared. Me and Cec and Mike probably all thinking the same thing. Maybe we ought to knock this dude out and take his car. And he’s a witness, right? He be taking us from the scene of a crime to Mike’s car, right? Maybe he reads the papers tomorrow and shit. He figures out we the bad guys and he was driving the getaway car. We scared and we all thinking the same thing. Saving our asses. Getting the fuck off the West Side as clean and fast as we can.

  We scared and the man after us, so we subject to do most anything but we ain’t into hurting people and the little dude didn’t seem like the kind be running to no cops. Just a nice hippie-type kinda kid. Ain’t never seen him again. Never showed up at the trial or nothing, so I guess we guessed right. It was funny, really. We come rolling back down the hill. All hell was breaking loose. I mean cop cars and flashing lights and people crowding around. Seen Mike and Cec hunching down in the backseat. Here we is, riding past the scene of the crime, and they got every cop in West Side out there, and this kid goes:

  Wow. Something must have happened here.

  We riding past and Mike and Cecil trying to crawl under the floorboards and he’s saying, Wow. Something must have happened. Yeah, something happened alright and you about to have three niggers with heart attacks in your car you don’t get the fuck away from here.

  But we rolled on past the commotion and he let us off in the Hill. Wanted to take us farther but we said no. We can find the car from here. He couldn’t figure that one out but I said, Thanks, man. You a real friend, man. If you ever in Cleveland you give me a buzz.

  Lemme tell you. It felt good to get back to my girl’s that night. Back to where there was niggers. Still shaking, but it seemed like we got away clean. Things ain’t worked out exactly like we planned but we got some dough and we got away. Seemed like luck was finally wit us. Mike said he just winged the dude. Shot him in the shoulder, so ain’t nothing to worry bout on that count. And the money ain’t what we expected but it’s something. We got something.

  1 seen the dude running my own self. Somebody hurt bad wouldn’t be running like he was so I’m starting to feel better. Whole thing was a fuckup from the git but we coming out the other end now. Need to take my mind off it. Like when I was jiving that kid. Make-believe and shit. Get into lying so deep it’s almost like real. Yeah, you call me when you in St. Louis or L.A. or wherever the fuck I said we from.

  Got away. Back in the streets. Started to cool out. C’mon, man. Mize well go out and celebrate.

  Cecil split for the North Side over to his girl’s house. Mike dropped me at Wanda’s, my girl’s, and went home to change. Said he was gon throw away the clothes he had on. Wasn’t nothing wrong with em but he was gon throw them away. A jinx or something like that. Pulled a job in them clothes, so out they go. Just didn’t want them no more.

  By the time Mike gets back to pick me up must been around 9:00, 9:30. We head out to the Fantastic Plastic but it’s too early. Ain’t nobody in the joint yet, so we drive downtown to Market Square. At the time the Plastic was the newest disco in Pittsburgh. Everybody be hanging out in there cause it was new, you know. They had it laid out real fancy. A nice place, always full of ladies. If you couldn’t get over in the Plastic, you mize well give it up. But we’s too early and them joints downtown usually be happening anytime on weekends, so we cruise down to Market Square but ain’t no parking places. Have to go all the way back up to Forbes, round Forbes and Stanwix before we can find a place to park. Way back at the edge of town we don’t feel like walking. We just sitting there a minute getting our shit together. Thinking, you know. Should we lay in town or ride back to Oakland and check out Fantastic Plastic again? Sitting there, you know, cooling out. What you want to do, Robby man? I don’t know, Mike. Just sitting there by the corner of Forbes and Stanwix when chills come down on me again. Right around 9:30, 10:00. I remember the time cause later I found out Stavros died just about then. Terrible chills again, and that panicky feeling. Like I’m coming apart. Breaking up in little pieces. I can’t stop shaking. My teeth chattering, I’m shaking so bad. But the worst thing is the feeling something awful’s happening. Something so bad I can’t even think of nothing to call it, can’t give it no name, but I’m sure it’s happening and ain’t nothing I can do about it. Chills come down on me just like outside the police station when I was waiting for Mike and Cecil.

  Chills didn’t last but a minute or so but I was shook. Said to Mike, Turn around. Let’s get away from here. Let’s get out from Downtown. Like I was having a nightmare. Like I knew something was wrong and had to get away from there.

  I thought at the time maybe it was just being close to Downtown set me off. You know. Like Downtown belonged to white folks and cops or something like that and it was West Side all over again and I didn’t want no part of nothing like that. Still ain’t sure what it was come down on me but I found out later I got the chills just about exactly the time they say Stavros died. A little bit before ten on Saturday. I’m slouching down in the car again and Mike says what’s wrong, man? You sick or something? Wasn’t nothing I could say. Just knew something terrible was wrong. I was worse than sick but I said, Naw, man. Let’s just get the fuck away from here.

  We riding again and I talked to myself. Calmed myself down. Told Mike my nerves bad and shit. Told him stop in the Hill and let’s get a drink at the Hurricane. I’m steady telling myself ain’t no reason to be uptight. We got away. Them white boys ain’t talking to no cops. They gon tell the cops they trying to buy some hot TVs and got stuck up? Hell, no. They in the shit deep as we is. Crooks ain’t telling on crooks. And we got some dough again. We got a handle on the dream again. So why I’m feeling so bad? So scared?

  Two double hits of gin at the Hurricane and I’m cool. I’m over the shakes and got my head together. I’m ready for the Plastic.

  Run into Chunky soon’s we get in the door. Plastic’s sure nuff crowded now. Wall-to-wiill people and lights spinning and whole lotta boogying on the dance floor. Yeah. The joint’s jumping now and I’m ready to celebrate.

  Thought you was in Ohio.

  I was, man. See my grandma. Been there and back today.

  Well, we in business again. Everything gon be alright. Got some dough.

  Hey, that’s cool. That’s righteous, brother. You the man.

  He’s laying skin on me an
d I’m doing it to him and then Mike’s right there with his big ham hands and slapping and soul shaking in the middle of the Plastic. We got our shit together and we know people is watching us. We clean. We cool. They gon hear more about us. We headed for the big time. Number one. People’s eyes on us and we ready to party party. Party hearty.

  DOING TIME

  I’ve decided to write notes to you; thoughts as well as stories. It’s easier for me to write to you as I would talk, so please don’t be a professor on my grammar. . . . That out of the way, my thoughts are real scattered about our visit today but one thing I remembered you asked me, did I ever worry that Mommy wouldn’t accept the presents I would buy her in my gangster fantasies and I said no. To explain further, I didn’t worry that she wouldn’t want them, my worry was that she would be upset knowing where the money came from. Yet I believe she knew how bad I wanted things and that most avenues of success had been blocked or blown. Blown out of anger and frustration that was misdirected at the ones who did the blocking—and so to see me at least find success in the games that were left for me—despite the worry and anguish I knew she’d be feeling, I hoped her seeing that I was finally doing well would somehow bring ease.

  Next Visit: Today we talked some about how I have done a lot of things in as far as the street thing is concerned—it was as if I slipped off and on different skins playing different roles as an actor does, always trying to shine and glitter as a star in my world, the world of the street, the world left for me. . . .

  It’s ten days or so since I wrote last yet my whole life has changed and again my whole outlook has been altered. Changed again by forces that are far removed and completely unaffected by me or my wants, wishes, dreams, aspirations, feelings, or thoughts. Once again the man, that ever existing man, has reached out and smacked hope, joy, love, and the ability to have an effect on my life’s destiny out of my ever grasping hands. I heard from the courts they denied my appeal, they denied my existence as being in any way meaningful or of having any worth at all. I received this devastating news last Friday the day after I saw you and have been in a state of depression ever since. I’m trying hard to keep it all together but right now it’s really hard to find a reason to keep it together, for they seem to have taken away all reasons worth trying.

  Two weeks later: I haven’t written or done anything in two weeks, sorry, but I’m just more or less recovering from my latest setback. You should hear from me by phone before receiving this. I think I’ll be able to write more now; I really do have a lot to say and tell you. I’ll write again soon in the same manner—until, give everyone there my

  Love,

  Rob

  I. NOVEMBER 16, 1975

  We bought one, man. We bought the whole farm. That’s what Mike said, those were the words but it didn’t sound like Mike. Wasn’t his way of talking. Never heard him say nothing like that before. Sounded like somebody else talking. Funny thing, though, was I knew exactly what he meant. Asked him: What you talking about, man? But I knew all along, soon as I heard his voice over the phone. Stavros was dead. Seen the cat up and running so he should be alright, but I knew. Didn’t need Mike telling me, really, cause it hit me the night before. Knew when I was sitting in Mike’s car downtown. I knew Stavros was dead.

  Mike called round nine. Then he went looking for Cecil over Cecil’s girl’s house on the North Side. They come back to Wanda’s and we’s all just sitting around. In shock, you know. The Steelers is on TV. Don’t remember who they was playing. Didn’t make no difference anyway. Just halfway paying attention cause everybody is shook up. What we gon do?

  Cecil leaves. We tell him don’t talk to nobody. Lay low. Nothing’s in the newspaper except it says they’re looking for Cecil behind his license being hooked up with the truck. No more information in the newspaper story. No name but Cecil’s, so we don’t know what they know.

  In a hour or so Cecil comes back with his sister. Couldn’t go home cause his sister said the cops was watching his mama’s house. He’s packed up a bag with some his things he keeps over at his sister’s. I’m glad. I been saying all along we better get out of town. Fast as we can git. Let’s get out of town. That’s what I keep saying but somebody else got the idea Cecil should go to the police. Tell em he seen the story in the newspaper and came down to the station cause his license been stolen. Bold face. You know. Like he ain’t got nothing to hide. Like if he shaved off his beard and picked out his hair he’d be hard for anybody to identify. They ain’t seen that much of Cecil anyway. He just popped out the back of the truck. They ain’t had time to see that much of him. And it was dark. Any anybody got a shotgun poked up in they face gon see more of that gun than the man behind it. But I said don’t do it. Said we got to leave town. And Cecil’s sister says don’t. Her boyfriend’s in jail. If the cops just a little suspicious they throw your ass in jail. She knows. Her old man’s still in jail. He thought he could just go down and talk to the cops. Cecil, don’t you go nowhere near them dogs. Stay as far away as you can.

  I know what I want to do but we sit around talking and arguing a long time, getting a plan together. Finally the women go and get our clothes. Except we figure the cops probably still watching Cecil’s house so nobody goes over there. By eight that night we hit the road.

  *

  Next thing I know I’m waking up somewhere in the middle of goddamn Indiana. It’s dark outside. The car’s pulled off the road in one those rest areas and everybody else is sleep. At the time I didn’t know where the fuck we was at. I could see the highway and a few trucks riding along but that’s about it. No lights and I can’t hear nothing but crickets so we’s in the country. The stone boonies but I don’t know where till I wake those other dudes up and we get rolling again and I see signs, Indiana road signs and a sign for Gary, which is where we’re headed cause a friend of Cecil’s sister lives in Gary and he can get us I.D.’s.

  Gary turns out to be a bummer cause this guy who knows Cecil’s sister ain’t acting right. Yeah, he can get us I.D.’s. That’s what he says, anyway. But there’s something about the dude makes Mike and Cecil suspicious. We meet him at a McDonald’s and he’s supposed to be gone taking care of business but when we leave Mickey D’s Mike says the dude’s following us. We checked in a hotel anyway to wait. Cecil and Mike went out to get some wine. I’m kinda sick. On methadone, you know. And it’s wearing off so I’m starting to feel miserable. Lay down on the bed waiting for the fellows to get back. They come in a nervous wreck.

  Something’s wrong, Rob.

  Did you see how close that dude was watching us? Kept his eyes on us all the time.

  I swear I seen him following us. Probably followed us here. Now why the cat got to do that? This whole bit ain’t sitting right with me. Something’s funny.

  Well, I think they exaggerating. We scared and tired and in a strange city. But I’m getting sick as a dog so I ain’t in no shape to figure out whether they just letting imagination run away with them or if the dude mean us some harm. Point is, Gary don’t work. We on our way again early next morning.

  You ever seen two grown men in a telephone booth fighting over a telephone? They waited till I was sleep then sneaked and found a telephone. We’s in a parking lot outside Chicago and there they are like a couple of kids fighting over who’s gon use the phone. They wake me up with that foolishness. All I can think is, Oh, my God. What they doing in a phone booth? Cause I made them promise not to call Pittsburgh. We running and don’t want nobody knowing where we are. Cops be watching Cecil’s. They probably be watching Mike’s place and my apartment by now. And got the phones tapped listening in. What’s the sense of running if you gon tell people where you running? I’m thinking, Shit. These fools done messed up for sure.

  Get off the phone, man. Gimme the goddamn phone. You know better.

  I can’t believe it. Mike been on with his father. Then Cecil called his Mom. Trying their women next. Fighting over who’s gon go first.

  We heading back home. My Mo
m said it will be alright. We’ll get off light. It’s the first time.

  Are you crazy, man? First time, shit. Ain’t no going back. They catch us they’ll put us under the jail and throw away the key.

  No. She said come back. Come back and turn myself in. She said they’ll give me a break cause I never been in trouble before.

  Ain’t no going back. Cops been lying to your mama. She’s scared and wants you home cause the cops telling her you get killed if you don’t turn yourself in.

  I’m going back and take my chances.

  I ain’t arguing wit you. You do what you need to do. But lemme tell you. Ain’t but one chance and that’s getting somewhere and starting up a new life. You go back to Pittsburgh and that’s it Murder One is life. Ain’t no breaks. Break your ass is what they’ll do.

  I’m gon too, Rob.

  You guys is crazy. Don’t you know what’s waiting for you back there? Don’t care what lies they be telling Cecil’s mom.

  Ima take my chances.

  Well, leave me out of it. And stay off the goddamn phone. Youall don’t need to advertise to the world where we at. You knew you was doing wrong. Waited till I was sleep before you got on the phone. Here. Youns want money for the bus?

  We got to take the car.

  The car ... Fuck, man. We supposed to be getting away in the car. . . . Shit. Take the motherfucker. It’s your goddamn car. . . . Damn, you got me hollering now. Lucky ain’t nobody out here to see us acting like fools. Go on. Take the car. But you gon be sorry. You want the money too?

  Just enough to get back. You keep the rest. You gon need it out here.

  Think hard, man. Think what youns is doing. They might catch my ass tomorrow. Might be dead tomorrow. Then again, maybe not. If I get to L.A. and settle in, it’s a new life. Poochie’s out there. He can get us I.D.’s and whatnot. We all sat down and figured this thing out once before. We agreed on what we had to do and now all the sudden youns is changing your minds. L.A.’s bigger than Gary. A whole lot bigger. Fuck that simple cat back there. We can disappear in L.A. easy. That’s what it’s all about. A new life. We ain’t got the money we thought we’d have, but it’s enough to get started. Think about it man. Ain’t nothing back in the Burg.