Humorlost (Humorlost Book I of III)

by Carol J. Donahue

  A chain of events made my father look at the reality of the situation and surroundings we lived in and he knew he would have to succumb to Mom’s desires and move us away from his beloved mountains. I remember the day that the whistles blew indicating to all those in the valley that a mining accident had happened.

  My mother grabbed me and we began running to the temple (mine opening) as did all the women with husbands, brothers, son’s and fathers who mined for a living. When we arrived, there were people weeping and clutching one another obviously trying to accept what had apparently been a cave-in in the mines.

  When I saw my daddy I ran as fast as my five-year old sticks for legs would carry me. I remember yelling “Daddy, Daddy” as I ran and tears were streaming down my cheeks. Not that I remembered a disaster having occurred in my few short years, but some how I knew this event impacted my Daddy and not in a good way.

  From out of the various hills and hollers almost the whole town had arrived and waited anxiously for answers as to who wasn’t among those of each family present. My father walked towards his siblings and his mother and with a weak voice and wounded heart shared with all of us that his father and his brother were both “lost in the mines”.

  Although I wasn’t as close to them as I was with my mother’s family, I loved my Dad’s family as much as my youth allowed, and I loved my Father more than life itself. Seeing them stand stoically and accepting of Dad’s words has stayed with me throughout my entire life. That must be where I inherited my ability to show no emotion. Whereas my mother’s family was quite Irish and verbal, my father’s were of Cherokee descent, proud stoic, quiet and unassuming. As was often said by my ancestors, “Today is as good a day as any to die”…

  After the funerals, trials and tribulations of the mines placing blame squarely on my grandfathers shoulders for his and his son’s death my father’s resolve change. He had no choice but to surrender to my mother’s urging that he had to get us all out of the hills!!! And so he did.

  Finally, we were out of that God forsaken holler. Yet here I was, freezing yet again and Daddy was carrying me wrapped up in a blanket to shelter me from the freezing rain and snow to buy me a new pair of shoes. He had to carry me. My shoes were worn down to the laces and much too small for my expanding shoe size. He was my hero and my lifeline. Daddy loved me almost as much as I adored him… I was the angelic baby… He never forgot how sickly I was from the time I was born and never forgave himself for not being able to give more and providing better for my sister and I when we were younger.

  It was his job and responsibility to keep us safe and warm. And to date that task had proven overwhelmingly and impossible for him to ascertain. With an 8th grade education and a work history as a coal miner, he had been “blessed” to get a job in Columbus Ohio making phones for Western Electric. It was a good stable job with minimal risks of being inured or worse, as had befallen both my parent’s respective fathers. Both their father’s killed while working in the mines. My father’s father in the mines, and Mom’s dying in a hospital bed due to a freak accident with a cigarette and oxygen after the mines had already been fully responsible for putting him in that bed to begin with.

  So Daddy was extremely happy to be able to buy his baby a new pair of shoes! I cuddled so close to his warm chest and embraced his neck with my little hands feeling more secure and warmth than I could ever imagine. Little did he know how I would fall in love with those little red boots on the shelf. And that he would not only buy them for me, but face my mother’s wrath for being so irresponsible!

  “Why in God’s earth honey, would you buy her goulashes when she needs a pair of decent shoes? ”What’s she gonna wear to walk to school in everyday? Those stupid rubber “boots” aren’t going to keep her warm and you know how easy she goes into breathing distress. Dear God James what the hell were you thinking?”

  Daddy faced her onslaught of attacks but held his own and had to finally admit to her he had “splurged” on the boots purchase, but had most assuredly bought her a pare of practical “walking to school shoes”. He promised her he would skip eating lunch at the factory and pocket his two dollars a day until he could pay for his indulgence.

  “She never asks for anything and I just couldn’t deny her another thing, another time. I can’t live with the disappointment I see in her eyes every time we have to explain to her she has to do without until she’s as old as Miranda. I just can’t do it anymore. I’d rather starve. She’s our baby and she deserves a little happiness sometimes and I don’t regret for a second indulging her in a pair of red boots. You didn’t see her face light up when she saw them. “Oh Daddy”. She screamed in delight, “Red shoes, I’ve never seen red shoes in my entire life”. It was funny and touching and I knew those red shoes were exactly what she needed to give her some happiness. So say what you want, but I will not feel guilty for buying our daughter a gift she so richly deserves.”

  That was the end of the protest from my Mom. Daddy didn’t often enter into a discourse with her since he seldom, if ever had a chance of being the victor. But she gave him this battle and he decided right then and there it wouldn’t’ be the last one he would undoubtedly have to fight to defend his actions and feelings for his angel girl.

  Oh how I longed for the comfort and joy I felt being my Daddy’s little girl, in my hours of darkness. If only I had had a few more years with him, perhaps I wouldn’t be lying in the dark afraid to close my eyes and sleep right now! But like most things in my life that I loved completely, that wasn’t to be… My wonderful Daddy would only live to his early fifties and I would only have my memory of how warm and safe I was being carried in the blanket on another of so many dark and cold nights of my life.

  We moved frequently. When we arrived in our new home of Columbus Ohio things were not always easy. But it was just the four of us and I was thrilled with the prospect of never spending another day in the gloomy hills of my birth.

  My parents struggled and sacrificed with what it was my mother had come to expect and demand and things were often oppressive in our little abodes. But I tried to remain oblivious to my parents bickering. No matter where we lived I always found a little alcove I could call my own and I would retreat to the safety I made for myself in its embrace.

  Whether it was a small storage closet in my sister’s and my shared bedroom space or a basement or attic, I could always find a retreat. I had become skilled at hiding and staying out of sight and mind when I felt threatened… Little did I know how well that would serve me in my later years.

  After my sister graduated from high school, my parents (mostly my Mom and her frugality) had saved enough money to move to the ever-impending suburbs… Not only was I ripped away from the friends I had come to trust throughout my early school years, I was plopped right in the middle of an aggressive school system, who felt it best to place you into classes based on your intellectual potential… In Columbus, I was ahead of all my piers, so when I went to Gahanna my mother was pleased to know that I was being placed into a high level class where I would excel intellectually and socially. And so I did! But not like the others in my “class”.

  I struggled, studied, crammed and worried to be able to keep up with the curriculum. Although advanced for Public education I was a good two years behind the advanced expectations of the new district. The first few years were intense misery, but I had come to accept misery with its many faces and facets so I endured… I graduated with college credits and made the decision to pursue my higher education at Ohio State University.

  Since it was a state school and my parents had sacrificed so much to enable me the experience. I could still live at home which would save them dorm expenses and food.

  I was so looking forward to my new adventure when it all fell apart the day my Dad passed away unexpectedly of a massive heart attach. He was on his way to work another shift at the factory he had been at since we had first landed in Ohio. He was only 53 years old. There was no life insurance; no savings s
tashed away, no pension. There was only debt and my mother’s resolve to stay in her house and drink until the time she could be with her James again.

  Mom was probably right all those times she told me I was “stupid” and at the time maybe I was, but I was in love, and really had to get away form that evil bitch, and my needy older sister. I guess I was just lucky to have met Jacob. If I did nothing else in life I knew I had to escape the downward spiral that they were leading me to. If I didn’t I would surely die a slow and agonizing death.

  Jacob was my salvation, my one and only true love. The deep emotional bond between us could not be matched. He was my soul mate, my lover, and my friend. We met while he was at Ohio State, and married shortly after his freshmen year. I was 18, just out of high school, and since my college education was lost with my father’s death, I worked nights to supplement Jacob’s scholarship and keep him in school. He worked part time, and spent many hours studying. I would do anything for him. He was the most genteel, understanding kind person I ever met. He put me in mind of my father and made me feel whole, as my father had.

  He was going to be a successful doctor, and I would work side by side with him. We couldn’t afford for both of us to go to classes. Since I worked nights, it allowed me to sneak into many of his classes.

  We lived in one of the houses on campus at a discount rate for scholarship students. That saved us a lot. I thirsted for knowledge, and absorbed all I could. We knew it would be a long hard road, but felt that it would be worth it in the end. We both wanted so much to be able to contribute to our community, and our way was through the medical profession.

  I remember one of many of our conversations. “I am so tired Jacob, I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up.”

  “I know Niki, you know I really appreciate all that you are doing, and don’t you think that I don’t feel guilty about it, I do. Why don’t you lie down and let me rub your back. You know that always makes you feel better.”

  “I love you Jacob.”

  “You know I love you too Niki, how could I not. You are my world. Only one more year of school, and then my internship, and we will be set.”

  “I know, I just wish we could get there a little faster.”

  “And so do I, but you know we are very fortunate that you are able to sit in on some classes, your knowledge will be invaluable to me when we set up our practice.”

  “You know, I love those classes. It really makes me feel alive when ever I get the opportunity to learn.”

  He kissed me passionately and we made sweet love, and fell asleep. That was something we didn’t do very often during the school year because of our hectic schedules, but school was out for the summer, and even though we worked hard at our jobs, we never ignored each other. We often left corny little notes for one another when our shifts conflicted. Oh how I miss my Jacob.'

  Awakening

  Magan entered Rian’s room and gazed upon her brother. His eyes were closed, and his breathing regular. The monitors were making a tingeing and a whirring sound in the background. The IV drip was still attached. Magan stopped dead.

  “I thought you said he was waking up?” “He is slowly Magan, he has been in and out. We have to be patient.” Katherine stated.

  “Has he recognized anyone yet?”

  “No, he is only beginning to focus on his surroundings.”

  “Mum, I thought I would be able to talk to him!”

  “In time Magan, in time.”

  Magan stormed out of the room and ran down the long hallway leading to the wing of the estate that she occupied. She locked the door and threw herself on her large white canopied bed and began to cry.

  Her mother followed and knocked on her door. “Magan honey, are you alright?”

  “Go away!”

  “Magan let me in!”

  “No, leave me alone, go away.” She wailed.

  “It will be ok Magan, I can feel it. Rian will recover.” She could hear her daughters sobbing, and decided it would be best to leave her be for a while, she must be tired after her trip.

  Katherine went down stairs to see that all the remaining preparations were underway for Sean’s arrival the following day.

  Magan joined Katherine for dinner at half past six and they enjoyed a quiet meal. Magan looked glum, and her mother’s heart went out to her.

  “Soon Magan he will be awake soon.” Katherine stated.

  Magan hated it when her mother was so optimistic. She didn’t live in the real world. No one could be that happy all the time.

  “Mum, just stop…. Please …. When are you going to face reality? He’s never going to wake up!”

  “Don’t say that sweetheart. Don’t say that! He is going to wake up, you’ll see.”

  “I can’t wait for Da to get home; at least he has more sense than you do.”

  “Oh Magan please don’t start that again!”

  “Why not, it’s the truth. You’ve never seen the real world; you’ve always been content to live in your little cocoon of happiness. I can’t stand it.”

  “Listen young lady, you will not speak to me in that tone, do you understand? I’ve had about enough of your rude behavior for one day!”

  Katherine got up and walked out of the room. Ever since Rian’s accident Magan was really out of control. She had always been daddy’s little girl, and Sean often took her side in an argument. But she was really getting out of hand.

  ‘I know we’re all under a lot of stress right now but there’s no excuse for her to speak to me this way. Isn’t it hard enough worrying about Rian and taking care of him day in and day out, with out that little bitch taking her frustrations out on me. We’ll see what her father has to say about this tomorrow when he arrives. He’s the only one who can talk to her.’

  Kareena woke at three twenty am calling Rian’s name. The dream seemed so real. She knew she was dreaming but at the same time his voice sounded so close and so very real. The pain came back ten fold with the piercing shards of light so intense she could feel the blades ripping through her flesh. The pain stopped just as fast, and she was in the white room again. She could hear the heated discussion again, only this time the male voice sounded frightened, and still she couldn’t make out what was being said. Then she saw him enter the white room, he called for her, but he could not see her. She began calling his name in response. He did not hear her. He turned and disappeared. She sat up with a start, her heart pounding in her chest, a tear tracking down her cheek. He was calling her name in the dream. She had the strongest feeling something was terribly wrong. On impulse Kareena picked up the telephone and punched in the 413 area code. The phone rang several times before the answering machine picked up. ‘This is James, leave a message. Beep.’ ‘That’s strange, what happened to Rian’s message?’ Kareena thought.

  “James, this is Kareena, “Can you give Rian a message for me? Tell him I called to see…. No, tell him I had the strangest feel….just tell him I called and if he wants to he can call me at; she rattled off her phone number. Thanks.” She hung up.

  Sean arrived at midday on Saturday. Magan ran into his arms and began to sob. “Oh Daddy, I’ve missed you!”

  “Hi sweetheart, I missed you too. Now what’s this all about? What’s wrong, why are you crying?

  “Da, please tell me the truth about Rian, Mum is in one of her ‘everything will be alright moods’, and I can’t get a straight answer from her. He is just lying there Daddy. I thought he was waking up. Mum told me he was waking up!”

  “Well sweetheart, I spoke to the doctor this morning and he has been in constant contact with Ms. Segur, who has been reporting on Rian’s progress. He said that it could be any time now. It’s normal for him to be in and out of consciousness under the circumstances. Be patient sweetheart it will happen.”

  “Ok, Daddy, I’ve just been so frightened, I don’t know what I would do if he didn’t wake up!”

  Rian's voice rang through the hall and down the stairs through the foyer. “K
areena!.... Kareena!”

  Sean and Magan stormed up the stairs, Katherine was already there holding his hand. His eyes were open, he tried to rise up, but Ms. Segur eased him back. “Easy there, big fellow, easy!”

  “Where is Kareena?” His father was by his side now.

  “Katherine, I’ll take this one.” Sean commanded. Katherine was crying as she stepped away.

  “We have a lot to discuss Rian, just lay back and relax; I’ll explain everything to you in good time.”

  “Where is she Da, I need to know that she is ok!”

  “You’ve had a very serious head injury Rian. You’ve been in a coma for six months. You crashed the rental car on your way back to school.”

  “No…. No I didn’t rent a car. I had my car. What are you talking about? You’re not making any sense, Da.”

  Magan stepped closer. “Just tell him Da, tell him she’s dead!”

  Rian flung himself out of the bed as he stared at his sister in disbelieve. He pulled the IV out of his arm and snatched the monitor wires away. His head began to spin. He was on the verge of collapse, as he barely managed to keep himself standing with one hand on the bed steadying himself. He glared at Magan, and then looked straight into his father’s eyes.

  “What the hell are you saying?” His father took a hold of his shoulders and looked straight into his eyes. “I didn’t want you to find out this way son, but what Magan said is true. Kareena didn’t make it out of the operating room. There were complications, she lost a lot of blood, the doctors did all they could to save her, but it was no good. She didn’t make it Rian, she died.”

  Rian sat back on the bed trying to absorb all that his father had just said. ‘No this can’t be true, something’s wrong. It was only an abortion. Women don’t die from abortions.’

  “You were there Da, at the hospital. We talked, you told me it was done, I was too late. You said she was fine and that I should go.”