Not Thomas

by Sara Gethin

  I am smiling. I’m smiling and my head is hurting and there’s a funny lump in my tummy. ‘I’m still waiting to be collected,’ I say. ‘Am I waiting to be collected by Dat?’ I’m hoping and hoping and hoping I am.

  Miss looks sad. Her eyes are watery. ‘Not tonight.’ She’s smiling a little bit again now. ‘But Kaylee’s mum says you can walk home with them.’

  Kaylee’s mammy is holding out her hand. ‘Come on, then.’

  Miss says, ‘Thanks for seeing him home, Karen.’

  ‘No problem,’ Kaylee’s mammy says. ‘I do it all the time. Don’t think she even notices.’ She’s helping me down off the stage. It’s hard to get down when you’re a present. And when there’s a big lump of sad in your tummy.

  ‘You’d better hurry,’ Miss says, ‘before it starts raining.’

  We are hurrying to the hall door. Miss is shouting, ‘Have a good Christmas.’

  ‘An’ you, Lowri,’ Kaylee’s mammy’s shouting.

  Miss is shouting, ‘You too, Tomos.’

  And I’m shouting, ‘You too, Miss.’ I’m looking back. Miss is waving but she’s not smiling now. Her mouth looks sad and her eyes look sad too.

  I am hurrying as fast as I can. I’m hurrying down the corridor with Kaylee and her mammy. I don’t want the rain to start. It will spoil my green shiny paper and my sparkly label. I want to get home before it starts raining and I want to get home looking nice. I want to get home with nice shiny paper and my nice sparkly label. I want to get home to show Mammy.

  * * *

  We have stopped by our gate that doesn’t shut. Kaylee’s mammy says, ‘You okay from here?’

  ‘Yes, thank you. Is my label the right way round?’

  Kaylee’s mammy is turning my label. She’s turning it round so Mammy can read the words. I’m looking over her shoulder. I can see the lady across the road. She’s moving her curtains. I’m waving to her. I want her to see my shiny box and my sparkly label but she’s not waving back. ‘There you go,’ Kaylee’s mammy says. ‘Can you squeeze through the gate?’

  I’m nodding. ‘Thank you. Bye bye.’ I’m waving. Kaylee and her mammy are waving too. I’m squeezing through the gate and I’m squeezing down the side path. The lady next door’s hedge is catching my shiny paper. I can hear my sides ripping a bit. I’m opening the back door and I’m squeezing inside.

  I can see Mammy in the front room. She’s on the settee with Brick. They are watching telly. I’m squeezing myself through the front room door. Mammy is looking up. She’s seen me. ‘Wha’ the…’ she says.

  My shiny paper is stuck on the handle on the door. I’m trying to make it not stuck. I’m pulling it. Quite a big bit is ripping. I’m trying to smooth the ripped bit but it’s hard to reach. It’s hard to move your arms when you’re a present. I’m trying to smooth and smooth my shiny paper. I am going to stand by the telly and I’m trying to tap my label. I want Mammy to read the words that say ‘To Mammy, Love from Tomos’. My fingers can nearly reach the label. I’m taking a big breath.

  And now I’m singing my solo. I’m singing ‘Away in a manger, no crib for a bed, the little Lord…’ I’m singing it loud. I am trying to sing it louder than the song on the telly. But it’s hard to sing it louder. I’m singing ‘cattle are lowing, the baby…’ all the way to the end.

  I’ve finished my solo. Brick is turning the telly to another programme.

  ‘This!’ Mammy says. She’s pointing to the telly. ‘I wanna watch this.’ Brick hasn’t heard her. He’s turning it to a different programme. Mammy is looking up at me. I’m trying to make my fingers very long. I’m pointing to my label again.

  ‘I have come from the North Pole,’ I say. I forgot to say it before my solo. ‘This is my gift for you.’

  I think Mammy’s smiling a bit. ‘Yeah good,’ she says. ‘Go to bed now.’

  * * *

  I am up in my high sleeper bed. I’ve been to the toilet one last time. Mammy has put my ladder on the floor. She’s in the kitchen. She’s with Brick. They’re shouting. They’re saying a lot of rude words. I am looking at my magazines. I’m trying to find some nice words. I’m looking at the pictures. Miss says if you can’t read a word the pictures might help you. The pictures are good but the words are hard.

  I am listening now. Mammy and Brick aren’t shouting anymore. I’m listening for the other sound. The sound I don’t like. I’m listening for the click. It’s a big click. A very very big click. I’m listening. And listening.

  CLICK.

  Mammy has closed the front door. She’s gone out. I can hear her and Brick getting into the car. Brick has started the engine. It sounds like he’s going for a race. I can hear him driving Mammy away. The racing sound is getting quieter. And quieter. I’m listening. And listening. It’s gone. I wish I had Cwtchy. If I had Cwtchy I could cuddle him. And I could chew his purple ears. And I wouldn’t feel all on my own. Up on my high sleeper bed. Until Mammy comes home.

  I’m looking for Nanno’s letter. It’s under the pile of clothes on my bed. I’ve found it and I’m reading it again. And again and again. I like the P.S. It says I love you. I love you. I love you. That’s what Nanno has written. I like that word. L. O. V. E. It’s one of my favourite words. I’m reading the sentence again. Lots of love, Nanno xxx P.S. I love you. I love you. I love you. I like reading it over and over and over.

  If I had some paper I would write Dear Nanno, How are you? I am well. I sang my solo for Mammy. She said it was good. She saw my sparkly label too.My box is downstairs. It’s in the front room. It’s very hard to go upstairs when you are a present. It took me a long time to get to my bedroom and then I couldn’t get the box off. I tried and tried but it was stuck and I had to go back downstairs and ask Mammy to help me. It took a long long time to go back downstairs. You can’t see your feet when you are a present. Mammy was very cross because I was spoiling her programme. She pulled and pulled and some of my paper ripped. I don’t want my paper to be ripped. And I don’t want my box to be downstairs. I tried to bring it upstairs again but Mammy said no and she put her mug on it. A bit of tea went on my green paper. I don’t want tea on my shiny paper. And I saw Dat at the Christmas concert. But I am not allowed to see Dat. And I waved to him and he waved to me. I am allowed to wave to him I think. Lots of love, Tomos xxx P.S. I miss Dat xxx And I miss you too xxx

  Christmas Holidays

  I am waiting for Kaylee and her Mammy. I’ve been waiting a long long time. I’m standing by the window in the front room. And I’m waiting for them to stop by the gate and wave. I’m waiting to walk to school with them. But I can’t see them anywhere.

  I’m looking for Nadia and Eddie and Lisa. They go past our house in the morning. Nadia goes past with an old man and a black dog. The black dog has three legs and it runs up and down the road. Up and down. Up and down. Eddie and Lisa go past with their mammies. Their mammies are always talking and talking and talking. Lisa holds her mammy’s hand but Eddie runs away when his mammy calls him.

  I can’t see them today. I’ve been waiting a long long time but I can’t see them. I can see a lady. She’s got a big bag with wheels. She’s shouting to a man in a garden. She’s shouting, ‘Hello, Gareth. Lovely frosty day, isn’t it?’

  I’m remembering a lady shouting at me and Dat when we used to walk to school. Not to the school I go to now. To the one I went to when I lived at Nanno and Dat’s house. The shouty lady was Poor Sandra and she used to shout the word thief. Me and Dat didn’t listen because Poor Sandra was ill and she couldn’t help her shouting. That’s what Dat said. But the lady outside now isn’t Poor Sandra. Poor Sandra isn’t the lady with the wheely bag.

  I can see the lady that lives across the road too. She’s moving her white curtains. I’m waving to her but she’s not waving back.

  I’m thinking and thinking about it being Monday. It’s Monday today because yesterday the lady across the road had her blue coat on and the little van with windows came. It stopped outside her house and toot toot
ed and she came out of her house. And she had her black book under her arm. She got into the white van with the windows and then it went off. And it is always the day before Monday when the van full of ladies comes.

  My Santa Sack is behind the big black chair. I can see a corner of it. And the box that Father Christmas left is on the floor. Mammy opened it on the day he brought it. She has eaten the cakes and the biscuits. And she’s eaten the sweets that were in the big plastic tub. I’ve eaten some sweets too. I had a shiny gold penny sweet and a long thin toffee one. I’ve eaten the ones in brown paper too. They were the coffee ones. Mammy doesn’t like coffee sweets. I think they are quite nice. They are nice if you try and taste the chocolate and you don’t taste the coffee. I have eaten a cake too. It had brown icing all over it. On the box it had the word logs. But the cake wasn’t made of wood like a log. It was nice like Nanno’s cakes.

  Mammy has come downstairs. ‘Wha’ you wearing tha’ for?’ she says.

  ‘Wearing what?’

  ‘Your school jumper.’

  ‘For school.’

  Mammy is shaking her head. ‘Stupid kid. There’s no school.’ She’s going into the kitchen.

  I am going into the kitchen too. ‘Where’s it gone?’

  ‘Wha’?’

  ‘School,’ I say. ‘Where’s it gone?’ I don’t want school to be gone. If there’s no school there’s no Miss. Or dinosaur chickens and chips.

  ‘It’s Christmas,’ Mammy says. ‘It’s ’olidays.’ She’s making a mug of tea and she’s talking to herself. She’s saying, ‘Stupid kid.’

  ‘So there’s no school because it’s Christmas.’ I’m saying it carefully. I don’t want her to say stupid kid again.

  ‘Stupid kid,’ she says. ‘Course there’s no school.’ She’s taking her mug of tea into the front room.

  ‘Is it Christmas Day today?’ I’m going into the front room too.

  She’s got the remote. She’s looking for something to watch on telly. ‘Wha’ now?’

  ‘Is it Christmas Day today?’

  ‘No.’ She’s found a programme to watch. It has a lot of people shouting at each other on it.

  ‘When is it Christmas Day?’ I say.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I can look in my Santa Sack when it’s Christmas Day.’

  ‘Jus’ look in it now.’

  ‘You can’t open Christmas presents until Christmas Day,’ I say.

  ‘Go ’way.’ She’s putting her mug down on my box. Some tea is splashing onto the green paper. She’s turning the telly up. The people shouting are very loud now. They’re pointing to each other and their faces are red.

  ‘Go up to yorr room,’ Mammy says. ‘And gimme some peace.’

  I am going out of the door. ‘Will you tell me, please?’

  ‘Wha’?’ She’s looking cross now. I don’t like making her look cross. But I want to know.

  ‘When it’s Christmas Day,’ I say.

  She’s looking back at the people shouting on the telly. ‘Yeah, I’ll tell you. Now go away.’

  * * *

  I have stopped waiting for Kaylee and her mammy and I’m waiting for Christmas Day instead. I’ve brought the Santa Sack up to my bedroom. It’s under my high sleeper bed. The sack has got something quite big in it. It’s a bit heavy if I hold it with one hand. I saw a tiny bit of what’s in it when I carried it into the house. I haven’t peeped inside it again because that would spoil Christmas Day. I’m going to open it then. Christmas Day is taking a long time to come but Mammy’s going to tell me when it’s here.

  I like Christmas. I like Kaylee’s Christmas tree. I like squashing my face on my bedroom window so one of my eyes can see Kaylee’s window down the road. And her Christmas tree.

  Nanno and Dat have got a Christmas tree like that. Their tree is very tall. It has lots of lights on it. They are red and blue and green and yellow and it’s got lots of decorations too. There are snowmen and Santas and candles and robins and there is a train decoration. Dat bought it specially for me. It is red and white and it’s made of wood. I wish I could see their tree instead of Kaylee’s when I squash my face on the window. I wish I could see Nanno and Dat’s house again. And my bedroom. And Nanno and Dat. I wish I wish I could.

  * * *

  I have been looking at my pile of train magazines. I’ve found some more letters. They are letters I wrote to Nanno at her and Dat’s house. I’m reading one of them now. Dat helped me write it and it says Dear Nanno, I am very well thank you. How are you? Yes I did like having Rhys round to play. He liked my train set. He liked the tea you made. Lots of love, Tomos xxx P.S. Thank you for mending Cwtchy’s ear. That is the letter I wrote. A long time ago.

  I miss Cwtchy. I miss his purple fur and his chewy ears. I miss Rhys too. He was in the school near Nanno and Dat’s house. The one I used to go to. Rhys is my friend there. Wes is my friend now. He’s a good friend to have but I like Rhys more. Rhys doesn’t run away from me. And he doesn’t call me smelly.

  I’m reading another letter Dat helped me to write. It says Dear Nanno, Thank you for the book. Yes I do like the trains in it. It has good words too. Dat is helping me to read them. Lots of love, Tomos xxx P.S. I like the cake you made.

  I’m thinking of Nanno’s cakes now. They are lovely. Sometimes they are chocolatey and sometimes they are strawberry jammy and sometimes they have white icing on them and sometimes they have cherries in them and sometimes they are lemony and I don’t like lemons but Nanno’s lemony cakes are lovely and I wish I had some lemony cake now and my train book.

  And Cwtchy.

  And Nanno.

  And Dat.

  * * *

  I have been asking Mammy about Christmas Day for a long time. I am not allowed to ask her about it anymore. I’m hoping Mammy will remember to tell me when Christmas Day is here. I’m hoping and hoping but Mammy is not very good at remembering. She forgets things when she’s watching telly. She forgets things after she’s been out with Brick. I am hoping and hoping and hoping she’ll remember to tell me. When Brick comes round I’ll ask him about Christmas Day.

  * * *

  I am not allowed to ask Brick about Christmas Day. I’m not allowed to say the word Christmas. I cannot say ‘Happy Christmas’. Or ‘Shall we sing a Christmas song?’ or ‘Merry Christmas one and all’. It’s hard not to say ‘Christmas’ when it’s Christmas time.

  And I am not allowed to say ‘Day’.

  * * *

  Mammy has told me to open my Santa Sack. She said it doesn’t matter if it’s Christmas Day or not. She said I should just open it anyway. I don’t want to open it until Christmas Day so I said, ‘I don’t want to open it until…’ And then I had to think for a long time because I’m not allowed to say ‘Christmas Day’. I said, ‘that special time’ instead. Then Mammy told me to go to bed.

  * * *

  I am in my bedroom. I’ve been in my bedroom a long time. Mammy and Brick have gone out. And there isn’t any food left in the kitchen. I think Mammy and Brick have gone to get chips. But they are taking a long time. My tummy is rumbly. I hope they’ll bring some chips for me.

  I’m trying to look into Kaylee’s front room. I’m trying to see under her tree. Her house is a long way away from here. It’s hard to see under her tree from my bedroom window. I’m looking to see if there are presents under it. If the presents have gone it is Christmas Day and Kaylee has opened them. That means I can open my Santa Sack from Father Christmas. I’m trying and trying to see. I’m pushing my cheek right against the window. The window’s very cold. It’s got sparkly bits on it. Sparkly frosty bits. I’m rubbing the frost with my sleeve. I can see the twinkly lights now. The lights on Kaylee’s tree. They are very pretty and Christmassy. But I can’t see if there are any presents under the tree.

  Someone is near the pavement outside our house. It’s the lady who lives in the house next door to us. The lady that gave me my high sleeper bed. She’s very old and she has a climbing frame with wheels. She pushes
it round in front of her. She’s putting a black bag by her gate.

  I’m running downstairs and I’m running out of the front door. I’m running to our hedge. The lady has turned round. She’s pushing her climbing frame back up her path. She’s pushing it slowly.

  ‘Hello!’ I am saying it through the hedge. I’m saying it where there’s a big hole in the leaves.

  She’s still coming up her path. She’s very near the hole in the leaves now.

  ‘Hello!’ I say again.

  ‘Yessee mawr!’ She’s turned her head quite fast. ‘Oh it’s you, bach.’ She’s making a big cloud with her breath. ‘You gave me a fright.’

  ‘Happy Christmas,’ I say. I’m not allowed to say ‘Happy’ or ‘Christmas’ but Mammy and Brick can’t hear me. They went out a long time ago. ‘Is it Christmas Day?’ I’m not allowed to say ‘Day’ either.

  The lady has stopped. She’s looking at me through the hole in the hedge. ‘What did you say, cariad?’ She’s got plastic things in her hair and she’s got a hat on made out of a net.

  ‘Is it Christmas Day today?’

  ‘Oh gracious,’ she says. She’s rubbing her face. ‘Christmas Day? Now let me think.’ Her mouth makes a shape when she’s thinking. It makes a small pinchy circle. ‘What day is it today?’ She’s thinking again. I can tell by her mouth.

  ‘Christmas Day?’ I am trying to help her think because she’s taking a long time.

  ‘Oh no. No. No,’ she says. ‘Today is Monday.’ She’s still thinking. ‘Christmas Day…’ She’s doing more thinking now.

  ‘Is tomorrow?’ I say.

  She’s looking at me through her glasses and her eyes are opening and closing a lot. ‘No, no. Not tomorrow. I went to Moira’s Friday. Clive’s yesterday. So Thursday.’ She’s thinking again. ‘Have I got that right?’ She’s looking at me.

  I’m lifting up my shoulders. ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Yes, I have.’ She’s nodding a lot. ‘I’m right. Christmas Day was last Thursday.’

  ‘Last Thursday?’

  ‘Yes,’ she says. ‘It’ll be time to go back to school soon. Next Tuesday I think Moira said. That’s when our Jason is starting back.’ She’s turning her climbing frame towards the hedge now. ‘Did Father Christmas come to your house?’