Not Thomas

by Sara Gethin

  They are here. The pink umbrellas have stopped. Kaylee and her mammy are waiting for me by the gate and I’m running out of the front door. I’m closing it tight behind me and I’m running down the path. I’m being careful because I don’t want to slip. I don’t want to drop my truck.

  ‘What’s that?’ Kaylee says. Her and her mammy are looking at me from under their umbrellas.

  ‘It’s my Super Truck. Father Christmas brought it for me.’

  It’s raining a lot. Kaylee’s mammy has pulled me under her umbrella and Kaylee has come up close. The umbrellas are making a pink tent over us. Kaylee and her mammy are looking at my truck.

  ‘Why’s it like that?’ Kaylee says.

  ‘Like what?’ I say.

  We are not walking. We are just standing by the gate and looking at my truck.

  ‘Like that,’ Kaylee says. ‘With the wheels in the back of it.’

  They’re looking at the bit of box with the wheels stuck to it. They’re looking at the other wheels too. The two wheels that fell off. They’re all in the tippy bit. I have taken Nanno’s letter out of it and I’ve taken my coin out too. I don’t want to lose them in school. My fifty pence might get mixed up with the plastic ones. Someone might rip up Nanno’s letter and put it in the bin. I don’t want Nanno’s letter to go in the bin. And I don’t want my coin to get lost. I’ve left them under Mammy’s pink tee shirt on my bed.

  ‘Brick broke the wheels,’ I say, ‘when he was getting my truck out of the box. Because we didn’t have a screwdriver.’

  ‘Are you taking it to school?’ Kaylee says.

  ‘Yes. Wes wants to see it.’

  ‘You’re not allowed,’ Kaylee says.

  ‘I know,’ I say.

  Kaylee’s mammy is putting her hand on my arm. She’s squeezing it a bit. ‘Take your truck back home,’ she says. ‘You don’t want Mr Griffiths telling you off.’

  She’s right. I don’t want Sir to tell me off. ‘Will you wait for me?’

  ‘Yeah, don’t worry,’ Kaylee’s mammy says. ‘Be quick, though.’

  I am running up the path. I’m going round the back. Mammy has forgotten to lock the door again and I’m running inside. I’m running up the stairs. I’m trying to be quick and I’m trying to be quiet. I don’t want to wake Mammy. I’m going up my ladder and I’m finding my coin and my letter. I’m putting them in the tippy bit with the wheels and I’m parking my truck under my pile of clothes. I’m going back down my ladder and I’m going back down the stairs and I’m going out of the front door. I am closing it tight behind me and I’m running down the path.

  Kaylee and her mammy are still waiting for me. Kaylee’s mammy is looking up at our house. Her face is cross. I think she’s cross because of the rain. She’s looking at the windows upstairs. I think she might have seen Mammy. I’m looking at the windows too. I want to see Mammy because I want to wave goodbye to her. But I can’t see her. I can’t see her through any of the windows.

  Kaylee’s mammy’s looking at me now. Her face isn’t cross anymore. ‘Okay?’ she says.

  ‘Yes, thank you,’ I say. ‘Did you see Mammy?’

  ‘Where?’ Kaylee’s mammy is looking at our house again.

  ‘At the window just now.’

  ‘No. Is she up?’

  ‘I don’t think so,’ I say.

  Kaylee’s mammy is putting her arm round my shoulders. ‘We better get a move on,’ she says. ‘Or we’ll be late.’ She’s pulling me tight to her under the pink umbrella. ‘Did you like the chocolate?’ she says.

  I’m remembering the bar of chocolate she gave me yesterday after school. It’s very big. It’s too big to fit in the tippy bit of my truck. ‘Oh yes, thank you. It’s very nice.’ It’s raining a lot now.

  ‘Have you eaten it all?’

  ‘Oh no,’ I say. ‘Only a little bit. I’m keeping it safe with my truck and my letter and my coin.’ I’m still under her umbrella and her arm is still round me. She’s holding me tight.

  ‘Here you go,’ she says. She’s giving me three biscuits. They have a creamy bit in the middle.

  ‘Thank you,’ I say. ‘Thank you very much.’ I am eating the biscuits fast.

  Kaylee’s mammy is saying something. She’s saying it very quietly. And she’s holding me tight tight. It’s raining and raining and raining and raining like it was yesterday. But I’m not getting wet.

  I’m not getting wet at all today.

  * * *

  It’s morning playtime but we’re not allowed to play outside because it’s still raining. We have got to stay in class. Miss has given us scrap paper and pencils and crayons. We are allowed to draw. We’re allowed to write too.

  I’m drawing round the sides of my scrap paper. I’m drawing my truck. I’m drawing it like it was in the box. With black wheels. I’m trying to give the wheels shiny middles. It’s hard to make them look shiny. I’m drawing my coin now and the bar of chocolate the lady next door gave me and the bar of chocolate Kaylee’s mammy gave me. I am not drawing in the middle of the paper. I’m leaving a big space for my writing.

  I’ve finished my drawings and I’m writing now. I’m writing Dear Nanno, How are you? I am well. Here are my things. My Super Truck is the best thing. It was in my Santa Sack. It’s taking me a long time to write. Miss is telling us to tidy up. I’m writing Lots of love from Tomos. She’s asking Seren and Eddie to collect the crayons and the pencils. I haven’t written my P.S. yet. I am trying to write it fast. I’m writing P.S. Did you have but Seren is taking my pencil.

  ‘Can I finish my sentence, please?’

  ‘No,’ Seren says. ‘It’s time to tidy up.’

  ‘I’ve only got…’ I am counting the words. Seren is going away with my pencil. ‘Five words left,’ I say. I’m running after Seren and I’m pulling her jumper. I’m trying to make her turn round.

  ‘Don’t!’ Seren’s saying it loud.

  Miss is looking up. ‘What’s wrong, Seren?’

  ‘Tomos pulled my jumper, Miss.’

  ‘Did you, Tomos?’ I am nodding. ‘Why?’ Miss says. ‘Is something wrong?’ I’m nodding again. ‘What’s wrong, Tomos?’

  ‘I need to do five words and Seren’s taken my pencil.’ I’m holding up my letter.

  ‘Bring it over here,’ Miss says. ‘You can finish it on my desk.’

  I am taking my letter over to Miss’s desk. She’s giving me a pencil and I’m finishing my P.S. I’m writing a Santa Sack in. I have stopped. ‘How do you write Heaven, Miss?’

  ‘Heaven?’ Her eyebrows are lifting up. ‘Like this.’ She’s writing it on a bit of paper.

  I am copying her word. Heaven. Miss is watching me. She’s pointing to my sentence. ‘And that’s a question, isn’t it, Tomos? So you put one of these at the end.’ She’s drawing something.

  ‘That’s a question mark,’ I say. I’m putting one at the end of my sentence. ‘Nanno used to put lots of those in her letters.’ I’m reading my letter again. I’ve forgotten to put kisses after Tomos. I’m putting them after the question mark instead.

  ‘Is that a letter?’ Miss says.

  ‘Yes,’ I say. ‘To Nanno.’ I’m showing Miss.

  Miss is reading my letter. Her face looks kind and it looks a bit sad too. She’s looking at my drawings now. ‘That’s really lovely. Did you have this truck for Christmas?’ She’s pointing to my drawing.

  ‘Yes. Father Christmas brought it for me in a Santa Sack.’

  ‘Good.’ She’s smiling a big smile. ‘That’s really good. And what are these?’ She’s pointing to the chocolate bars.

  ‘Chocolate. The lady next door gave me this one.’ I’m pointing to the triangle one. ‘And Kaylee’s mammy gave me this one.’ I’m pointing to the flat one.

  ‘And is this a fifty pence piece?’

  ‘Yes, that’s my coin. The lady next door gave me that too.’

  ‘That was kind of her.’ Miss is smiling. ‘And did Father Christmas leave this under your tree?’ She’s pointing to th
e drawing of my truck again.

  ‘No. We didn’t have a tree. He left it outside the back door.’

  Seren is putting the pencil box on Miss’s desk. She’s looking at my letter. Eddie is still collecting the crayons. He’s dropping a lot of them on the floor.

  ‘Oh,’ Miss says. ‘Father Christmas left your present outside the back door?’

  ‘Yes, I saw him. He said, “Merry Christmas. Ho, ho, ho.”’

  There’s a big crash. Eddie has dropped the box of crayons. Everyone’s laughing. There’s a lot of noise in class. Seren is rushing over to Eddie. He’s picked up the box and Seren is picking up the crayons. She’s picking them up fast.

  ‘Quiet, everyone,’ Miss says. ‘Settle down. Don’t worry, Eddie, accidents happen to everybody. Thank you for helping him, Seren.’ Miss is looking at me again. ‘What are you going to do with this letter?’ She’s holding it out to me.

  ‘I’m taking it home. I’m going to put it in one of my magazines.’ I’m taking the letter from Miss. ‘For Nanno to find.’

  Miss’s eyes have gone all twinkly and her face is a bit sad. I’m folding the letter up. Miss is rubbing her eye with her finger and she’s smiling at me now. I’m putting the letter in my pocket. Seren’s putting the crayon box back on Miss’s desk. Everything is tidy and nearly everyone is quiet.

  ‘I’m sure Nanno would like your letter.’ Miss is saying it quietly. She’s squeezing my arm a tiny bit. ‘In fact, I know she would,’ she says. And her eyes are all twinkly again.

  * * *

  It’s dinner playtime and it’s stopped raining. I’m running outside. I’m wearing the coat Miss gave me from the lost property box and it’s nice and warm. My tummy is very full.

  ‘Wotcha,’ Wes says. He’s standing by the corner and he’s looking at some stones in his hand.

  ‘Wotcha.’

  He’s throwing his stones in the air and he’s trying to catch them. ‘What was for lunch?’

  ‘Dinosaur chickens and chips,’ I say. ‘We had seconds.’

  ‘What’s that?’ Wes says.

  ‘What’s seconds?’ I’m trying to find some stones but I can only find little ones.

  ‘No, thicko. What’s the dinosaur things?’

  I’ve found a bigger stone and I’m picking it up. ‘They’re like chicken nuggets but they’re dinosaurs really. They’re nice.’

  ‘What was for afters?’ Wes is taking the big stone from my hand and he’s putting it with his stones.

  ‘Milkshake and a biscuit. I had seconds of that too.’

  ‘Pukey,’ Wes says. ‘I’m glad I’m packed lunch. I had cola and crisps.’

  We are looking for more stones. We’re going near the field. There are some bigger ones there.

  ‘Did you bring it?’

  ‘Bring what?’ I say.

  ‘Your truck thing?’

  I am remembering now. I’m remembering our deal. ‘No. I wasn’t allowed.’

  ‘Bring it tomorrow. I want to see it.’

  ‘Maybe.’ I’m not saying it’s a deal because I don’t think I’m allowed to bring it tomorrow.

  We’re still looking for stones. I’ve found some big ones and I’m putting them in the pockets in my trousers. They’re the trousers Miss gave me from the lost property box. I’m trying to put the stones in fast before Wes takes them.

  ‘What’s that?’ Wes is pointing to the floor.

  I’m looking at where his finger’s pointing. It’s pointing to a piece of paper. A bit of the paper is in a puddle. ‘It’s my letter.’ I’m picking it up fast. I don’t want it to get wet.

  ‘What letter?’

  I’m opening the paper. My drawings are a little bit wet. ‘It’s my letter to Nanno. I did it in wet play this morning.’

  ‘Who’s Nanno?’ Wes is looking over my shoulder. He’s looking at the letter.

  ‘My nanno.’

  ‘Your nan?’ Wes says. ‘Like a gran?’

  I’m thinking. ‘I think she’s like a gran.’

  ‘Is that your truck?’ He’s pointing to my drawing.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘It’s red.’ He’s rubbing his finger over my drawing.

  I’m nodding.

  ‘What does it say?’ He’s rubbing his finger over the words now.

  ‘It says, Dear Nanno, How are you? I am well. Here are my things. My Super Truck is the best thing. It was in my Santa Sack. Lots of love, from Tomos. P.S. Did you have a Santa Sack in Heaven?’

  ‘Why’d you say that?’ Wes says.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Heaven.’

  ‘Because that’s where Nanno is.’

  ‘Heaven?’ Wes says. ‘Is she dead?’

  I’m folding up the letter.

  ‘Is she? Is she dead?’

  I’m nodding. I’m putting the letter back in my pocket.

  ‘How did she die?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Was she stabbed?’ He’s putting his face next to my face. ‘With a big knife?’

  I’m shaking my head.

  ‘Was she cut in half?’ Wes says. ‘With a chain saw?’ His face is very close to my face now. His nose is by my eye. ‘Did she have her head cut off with a sword, like those women me and Uncle Vic saw on the internet?’

  ‘No.’ I’m trying to move my face away from him. ‘She was ill. She went to hospital.’

  ‘Oh,’ Wes says. ‘Boooring.’ He’s taken his face away from my face. He’s looking for stones again. He’s found a little white one and he’s picking it up. He’s showing it to me. ‘No such place as heaven anyway.’

  I’m looking at him. ‘There is.’

  He’s shaking his head. ‘Uncle Vic told me. When you’re dead, you’re dead.’

  ‘No,’ I say. ‘There is Heaven. That’s where Nanno is. She sent me a letter from there.’

  ‘She can’t do that,’ Wes says. ‘She can’t send letters. She’s dead.’

  He’s throwing the white stone into the air. He’s trying to hit it with his hand. It’s falling down by his feet. He’s picking it up and he’s throwing it into the air again. ‘When you’re dead they put you in the ground, then the worms eat your insides.’

  ‘They don’t.’ I don’t want to think about Nanno and worms.

  ‘They do,’ he says. ‘They make you all empty like a boat.

  ‘A boat?’ I say.

  ‘Yeah, like a big, pink canoe. Uncle Vic said.’

  I don’t want to think about Nanno like that. I don’t want her to be a big pink canoe.

  ‘Nanno’s in Heaven,’ I say. ‘I know she is. She said pure hearts go to Heaven. Like in the song ‘Calon Lân’. And Nanno had a pure heart.’ I don’t want to look for stones with Wes. I don’t want to look anymore.

  ‘What’s a pure heart?’ he says.

  ‘It’s clean because you’re good and you do nice things for people and you go to Heaven.’

  ‘That’s stupid,’ Wes says. ‘There’s no such thing as a clean heart. That’s stupid.’ He’s throwing his stones at me. He’s throwing them one at a time. ‘Everybody’s got dirty hearts. Like all those men in Uncle Vic’s DVDs.’ He’s throwing his stones hard at me now. ‘Dirty, dirty, dirty.’

  The bell is going and I’m turning my back to Wes. I’m starting to run up the playground. I’m leaving him by the field because I don’t want to hear about Uncle Vic and his DVDs. I don’t want to hear about dirty hearts. I’m running and running and I’m getting a long way away from Wes.

  I am getting a long long long way away from him.

  * * *

  We’re tidying up our desks. The bell is ringing. It’s telling us it’s the end of school for today. Miss is standing by the door. She’s saying goodbye to everyone.

  ‘Goodbye, Miss.’ I’m going out of the door.

  ‘Oh, Tomos,’ she says. ‘Just wait a minute.’

  I’m waiting. The other children are going past me. They’re going home.

  Miss is calling Kaylee over. ‘Can you a
sk your mum to come in please, Kaylee? I’d like to have a word with her.’

  Kaylee’s going to get her mammy. All the other children have gone now and Miss is looking in her bag.

  ‘You didn’t get a chance to help me with these today because it was wet play this morning.’ She’s holding out the plastic box. I can see a little pot of rice pudding inside it and a chocolate biscuit.

  ‘Is it your packed lunch? Did your husband make too much again, like yesterday?’

  ‘Yes, he did. You can sit down there and eat them.’ She’s pointing to the cushions in the Quiet Corner. ‘They can be your tea – your first tea – and then you can have another one at home.’

  I’m sitting down on a cushion in the Quiet Corner and I’m getting a sandwich out of the plastic box. I’m going to eat it to help Miss. I like helping Miss.

  Kaylee and her mammy have come into class.

  ‘Hi, Karen,’ Miss says. ‘Sorry to drag you in.’ She’s going over to stand near them. ‘I just wanted to tell you that Tomos is staying here for a bit. He’s going to have something to eat, then I’ll make sure he gets home.’

  ‘Okay.’ Kaylee’s mammy is making her okay very long. ‘You sure you don’t want us to wait? You sure you wanna go round there yourself?’

  ‘I won’t go too near the house,’ Miss says. ‘I’ll just see he gets back all right.’

  I’m looking at the sandwiches Miss’s husband has made. They’ve got pinky browny slushy stuff in them. And little yellow beans. The sandwiches smell funny.

  ‘Sorry, Karen, can you wait a minute?’ Miss is looking at me. She’s coming over to the Quiet Corner. Kaylee is coming with her. Miss says, ‘Shall we put the television on, Tomos?’ She’s switching on the telly.

  Fireman Sam is on. Kaylee’s sitting down next to me and Miss is turning the sound up. She’s going back to talk to Kaylee’s mammy again.

  I’m not eating yet. I’m wondering why Miss’s husband has made her smelly sandwiches today.

  ‘I won’t let her see me,’ Miss says.