Not Thomas

by Sara Gethin

  I’m grabbing the next packet. I’m opening it. I’m squashing all the crisps into my mouth. ‘Because I hate you,’ I’m shouting. ‘I HATE you, Mammy. I hate you and I don’t want you to come home.’ I’m hurting the inside of my neck. I’m hurting it because my shouting is very loud. And the crisps are scratching it. ‘I don’t want you to come home ever ever EVER.’

  I’m squashing all the crisps into my mouth. ‘I’m going to eat your chocolate too,’ I say. But I’m not shouting now. I’m very quiet. ‘I know where it is. I know where you’re hiding it.’ I’m throwing the packets. The empty packets of crisps. I’m throwing them onto the floor. ‘Your chocolate’s hiding on top of the cupboard.’

  I’m running into the hall. I’m getting the washing up bowl. I’m taking it to the kitchen and I’m putting it next to the cupboard. I’m making a step. I’m making it with the upside down bowl. I’m going to make myself tall. I want to push my knee on top of the cupboard handle. I’m standing on the bowl. My toes are very cold. They’re cold after the puddles. They’re still a bit wet too. I’m pushing my knee on top of the cupboard handle. I’m pushing myself up from it. I’m pushing myself up onto the worktop. I’m standing on the worktop. I am trying to put my hand on top of the cupboard. It’s a very high cupboard. It’s where Mammy hides her chocolate bars.

  ‘See, Mammy? I can do it myself. I can get things. I can get your things.’

  I’m standing on the kitchen worktop. I’m standing on my toes. I’m stretching right up. I’m stretching to get the bag of chocolate bars from on top of the cupboard. I’m making my arm as long as I can. I’m making my fingers long too. I can feel the bag with the ends of my fingers. I’m touching the bag. It’s making a crinkly sound. I’m touching it but the bag is moving away. I’m touching it again. It’s moving away again.

  I can’t touch it anymore. I’m stretching and stretching but I can’t touch the bag. I can’t touch it at all. ‘Never mind, I know what to do. You’ll see, Mammy.’

  I’m getting down from the worktop. I’m getting down backwards. My foot is trying to find the bowl on the floor. My toes have found it but the bowl is slipping away. And my chin is bumping the worktop. And my teeth are hurting my tongue.

  I’m sitting on the floor. I’m rubbing my chin. My eyes are all prickly and my tummy’s rumbly. ‘I’m still going to get your chocolate. I can get it myself, Mammy. I’m going to eat it all.’ I want to shout it but my voice is tiny. ‘I know what I’ll do.’

  I’m getting up. I’m putting the upside down bowl on the worktop. ‘That’ll make me taller. You’ll see, Mammy. I’ll get your chocolate now.’ I want to get up on the worktop. I want to climb up again. But I’m not tall enough. Because the bowl is on the worktop. I’m looking for something else. Something else to make me taller. I’m looking round and round the kitchen. I’m looking over the edge of the sink. There are some mugs in there. I can see their handles in the tiny bit of light. The bit of light coming in from the road. The handles are sticking up through the water. I’m trying to catch a handle. It’s slipping away from my fingers. The water feels slippy and cold. I’m grabbing a handle fast fast. I’m pulling it out of the sink. A lot of water is falling onto the floor. I’m wiping my hand on my trousers. On my wet trousers. ‘You watch me, Mammy. I’m going to get your chocolate. And I’m going to eat it all.’

  I’m taking the mug to the worktop. I’m turning it upside down and I’m putting it on the floor. I’m standing on the upside down mug. I’m pushing my knee on top of the cupboard handle again. I’m climbing onto the worktop. I’m standing up. I’m stepping onto the upside down bowl. I’m standing on my toes on the upside down bowl. I’m stretching my feet. And I’m stretching my legs. I’m stretching my body. And my neck. I’m stretching my arms and my fingers too. I’m stretching right up. I want to see on top of the high cupboard.

  I can see a corner of the bag of chocolate bars. The light is shining on it a tiny bit. The light outside. I can feel the bag with the ends of my fingers. I’m stretching and stretching. And stretching and stretching.

  I have caught it. I’ve caught the corner of the bag with my fingers. I’m pulling it off the cupboard. I’m pulling it off fast. ‘See?’ I’m laughing. I’m laughing and laughing. ‘See, Mammy? I don’t need you. And I’m going to eat all your choc…’

  There’s a scrapey noise. The bowl is slipping on the worktop. It’s slipping fast. And my feet are slipping too. They’re slipping with the bowl. I’m trying to grab something. I’m trying to hold on. But my hands can’t find anything. And I’m falling. I’m falling back. I’m falling fast fast.

  ‘Dat!’ I want him to come and help me. I want him to catch me with his strong arms. But he’s not here. ‘Da…’ I’m hitting the floor. I’m hitting it hard. I’m hitting it very very hard.

  I’m hitting it with my head.

  * * *

  It’s cold. My back is very cold. The back of my head is very cold too. And my arms and my legs. I’m telling my eyes to open. I’m trying to make them listen. But they won’t listen. They want to stay shut.

  Nanno and Dat are coming. They’ll be here soon. Dat will carry me up to bed and Nanno will make me a cup of tea. I’ll show Dat my magazine that Brick ripped. And the broken wheels on my truck. And Dat will say, ‘Never mind, Tomos, I can mend those.’ And Nanno will find my quilt. The one with trains on it. And she’ll tuck me up in bed and I’ll be warm and cosy. And she’ll make me a chicken pie dinner with nice rice pudding for afters and I’ll be full up with food and then she’ll sing me a song and Dat will read me a story.

  I don’t want to be cold anymore. I don’t want to be on the floor. I want to get up. I want my arms and legs to listen to me. I want them to move. I want them to get up off the floor. But they’re not listening. They feel very heavy. They want to stay on the floor. They’re heavy and sleepy like my eyes. Heavy and sleepy. Heavy and sleepy.

  I’ll lie here and wait for Nanno and Dat.

  * * *

  There’s knocking. Someone is knocking on the door. I’m listening. I’m lying on the kitchen floor and I’m listening. There’s the knocking again. I’m trying to open my eyes. I’m trying and trying. They’re opening a tiny bit. It’s very dark. My eyes are closing.

  Knockknockknock.

  I’m opening my eyes a tiny bit again. I’m making my head lift up. It’s lifting up a bit. It’s hurting a lot.

  Nanno and Dat have come. They’re knocking on the door.

  I’m making my arms move. And my legs. My back’s hurting. It’s hurting when I move my arms and legs. I’m turning over. I’m on my knees and on my hands. I’m going out of the kitchen. I’m going in the dark. I’m trying to go fast but my legs are very slow. I want to let Nanno and Dat in.

  The knocking is very loud. There’s lots and lots of it. It’s not like the lady with the big bag’s knocking. Her knocking is knock knockknock. This knocking is knockknockknock knockknocknock. I don’t think it’s Nanno and Dat. I think they would knock knockknock like the lady with the big bag.

  I’m hiding behind the big black chair. It’s very dark.

  Knockknockknockknockknockknockknock.

  I’m peeping round the chair. I’m peeping with one of my eyes. I can’t see anyone. It’s very dark outside. There’s no one at the window. I’m looking hard with my one eye. The knocking’s hurting my head. It’s hurting the bump on it. It’s making the bump knock too. Knockknockknockknock knockknock.

  The knocking on the door has stopped. The front room is very quiet now. I can feel the bump on my head. It’s still knocking. It’s knocking a lot.

  There’s someone at the window. I can see someone with my one eye. I’m moving my head. I’m trying to move it fast. I’m hiding it behind the big chair. I don’t want someone at the window to see me. There’s more knocking. It’s in my head and on the window. It’s very loud. Someone is shouting. Someone’s shouting at the window. I’m very quiet. I’m staying very still. I don’t want that someone to s
ee me. I’m listening hard.

  ‘Open the door,’ a big voice says. ‘Open it.’

  It’s not the lady with the big bag. It isn’t her voice shouting at the window. It’s a man’s voice. I’m staying very still. I am staying very quiet. But the banging in my head is very loud.

  ‘Hey kid, open the door!’

  It’s Brick. I’m looking round the chair. I can see the shape of him through the window. ‘Open the door. Now!’

  Brick is back! He’s brought Mammy. She’s come back at last! I’m running to open the door. I’m running to let her in. I am opening the front door. ‘Mammy!’

  Brick is pushing the door open. Mammy isn’t with him.

  ‘Oh!’ I have crashed into Brick. I’m falling back onto the carpet. Brick is stepping over me. His big boot is squashing my finger. ‘Ow!’ My eyes are all prickly.

  Brick is running up the stairs. I’m getting up and I’m going out of the front door and I’m looking for Mammy but I can’t see her. ‘Mammy, Mammy!’ I’m shouting it. I’m shouting it to the road but I can’t see her anywhere and I’m running down the path and I’m running to Brick’s car.

  And I can see the lady opposite moving her curtains but I’m not waving to her because I want to get to Brick’s car and I want to see Mammy and I’m looking in the car but Mammy’s not in it.

  I’m running up the path again and I’m running into the house and I’m closing the front door fast and I’m running up the stairs and I’m running after Brick. ‘Where’s Mammy?’ Brick is in Mammy’s bedroom but he hasn’t heard me because he’s pulling up a corner of Mammy’s carpet and I am going to stand next to him. ‘Where’s Mammy?’

  He’s pulling up a bit of wood now from under the carpet and there’s a hole under the wood and he’s putting his hand inside the hole.

  ‘I want Mammy.’ My finger’s hurting a lot. It’s the finger Brick’s boot stepped on and the bump on my head is banging.

  ‘Shurr up.’ Brick’s face is cross.

  ‘I want her.’ I’m shouting it. ‘I want her now.’

  ‘Tha’ cow’s no use to no one.’

  ‘I want her to come home.’

  ‘Cow.’ He’s saying lots of rude words. ‘She ruined everythin’.’

  ‘I want her to come home now.’ I’m hitting Brick. I don’t want him to say rude things about Mammy. I am hitting him. And I’m kicking him too.

  He’s pushing me away. My back has knocked the wall. He’s calling Mammy more rude names. ‘She’s not comin’ home. Ge’ used to it.’ He’s looking into the hole again. The hole in the floor. He’s getting something out of it. He’s getting out the block that has plastic all round it. It’s the block Saint gave him. A long time ago.

  I’m getting up. I’m kicking Brick again. I’m kicking him as hard as I can. The kicks are hurting my toes. ‘She is,’ I say. ‘She is coming home. I want her now.’

  He’s grabbing my foot. He’s pulling it fast. He’s tipping me up and I’m falling onto my back. ‘Stupid kid,’ he says.

  There’s a noise outside. Brick is looking out of the window. He’s peeping round the curtains. ‘Oh no.’ He’s saying a lot more rude words. I want to look out too. I want to see if it’s Mammy outside. I’m trying to get to the window. Brick is pushing me back. ‘Ge’ to your bed,’ he says. His face is very cross. ‘Now.’

  I am not moving. ‘She is coming home. She is.’

  Brick is hitting me on my head. He’s hitting me very hard. He’s making my bump hurt again. ‘Ge’ to bed.’

  ‘I need the toilet,’ I say.

  He’s grabbing my neck very very tight. He’s pushing me back. He’s grabbing my neck and pushing me to the landing. I’m trying to get some air. I’m trying to get some into my mouth. But he’s squeezing my neck too tight. He’s throwing me into my bedroom. ‘Ge’ to your bed now.’ His voice is very scary.

  I am running to my bed. I’m running fast. My neck is hurting. My back is hurting. My finger’s hurting too. And my head is banging and banging. I’m climbing up my ladder. I’m climbing fast fast. I’m on my bed. I can see through my window. I can see a car next to Brick’s car. I can see the lady in the house across the road too. She’s moving her curtains.

  Brick has come up my ladder a bit. He’s giving me something. It’s the block he got out of the hole under Mammy’s carpet. ‘Put this under your pillow.’

  ‘I haven’t got a pillow.’ It’s hard to talk. My neck is hurting inside. It feels like Brick’s still squeezing it.

  ‘Put it under your head then. Hide it. Don’ say a word if they come in your room.’

  I’m putting the block under my head. It’s very hard. It’s hurting my bump and I need the toilet. Brick’s going down my ladder now. I’m pulling the clothes round me. I’m trying to be warm. Brick’s stopping by the door. ‘Don’ move,’ he says. ‘Preten’ you’re asleep.’ And he’s closing the door tight.

  There’s a loud noise. It’s banging on the front door. There’s lots of shouting too. ‘Hey Brick,’ a man is shouting. He’s very loud. ‘You in there?’

  I am staying very still. I’m waiting for Brick to answer the door. I must not get up and answer the door. I must not move. The man is shouting lots of rude words about Brick. Another man is shouting too. The men are calling Brick lots of rude names. They’re saying things about his ho. And they are banging and banging on the door.

  The shouting has stopped. The banging has stopped. It’s very quiet. I’m not moving. I am listening. I’ve pulled the clothes up over my head. But I’m sticking one ear out. My ear is listening hard. It’s listening to the quiet.

  There are noises again. The men are still outside. They’re not at the front door now. They’re round the back. There’s another noise. It’s a noise like Mammy makes when she’s cross with Brick. Or when she’s cross with the lady with the big bag. Or with Nanno and Dat. It’s the sound of something smashing. Smashing into lots of bits. I think it’s the back door. I locked the door with the key. A long time ago. I think the men are smashing the glass in it.

  I’m squashing myself on my bed. I am tiny tiny tiny. And I’m trying not to need the toilet. My ear is still listening hard.

  The smashing noises have stopped. The door is making a squeak. The one it makes when it’s opening. I can hear the tins moving. I can hear them rolling on the kitchen floor. ‘Put the light on,’ the loud voice says. I can hear the light switch clickclick clickclick. The lights won’t come on. They stopped working a long time ago. ‘Try in there,’ the voice says. I can hear more tins rolling. I can hear more click click click clicks. I can hear more rude words. ‘Get your mobile,’ the loud voice says. ‘Yeah, that’s better. Put the TV by the front door. We’ll take it on the way out.’ I can hear someone moving around. ‘Rest of the stuff in here’s just trash.’

  There are lots of sounds now. There are bumping sounds. There are crashing sounds. There are smashing sounds.

  ‘Let’s take a look upstairs.’ There are sounds of people coming up the stairs.

  I am hiding my ear. I’m hiding it fast. I’m lying very still. I’m not breathing. I’m listening hard. From under the clothes. From under Mammy’s tee shirt. From under the jumpers. And the trousers. And the towels. I’m trying to listen hard. But the block under my head is hurting my bump.

  They’re going into the bathroom. I can hear their shoes on the floor. I can hear them opening the cupboard over the sink. Lots of things are falling out. I can hear the sink catching them. I can hear things falling onto the floor. The men are saying lots of rude words. They’re talking about Brick again. And his ho.

  The men are on the landing. They’re outside my door. I’m staying very still. I’m not breathing at all. I can hear my door handle. I can hear it turning. I can hear my door opening. I can hear the men. I can hear them breathing. I can hear them coming into my room. I can see a blue light. I can see it through the clothes. It’s in my room.

  ‘It stinks in here,’ the man with the big voice says.<
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  ‘Gross,’ the other man says. His voice is quiet. He’s saying a lot of rude words.

  I’m not breathing. I’m not moving. I’m staying still. Very very still. I’m watching the blue light. I’m watching it moving.

  ‘Look at this,’ the quiet voice says. I can hear knocking on my train table.

  ‘Where’re the trains?’ the loud voice says. ‘They could be worth a bit. That paedo Leper’s always after toy trains.’

  I can hear the men’s feet. They’re stamp stamping. I can see the blue light. It’s moving round my room. I can hear my train magazines. They’re falling over.

  ‘Trains aren’t here,’ the big voice says. ‘The table’s no good without them.’

  ‘Nah, no good,’ the other voice says.

  My bed’s starting to shake. It’s shaking and bumping. I can hear cracking sounds. They’re very loud. I’m staying still. I’m not moving at all. The men are laughing now. They’re laughing and laughing.

  I can hear another noise. It’s not in my bedroom. I’m listening hard. I’m not moving. The men have stopped moving too. ‘What was that?’ the big voice says.

  ‘Came from the other room.’ The blue light is moving. It’s moving fast. It’s going out of my bedroom. The men are going out to the landing.

  I’m trying not to move. I’m trying to stay very still. But my mouth wants to open. I’m taking a big breath. And I am closing my mouth again. I’m closing it fast. And I’m listening again now.

  The men are going into Mammy’s room. They’re making a lot of noise. There’s a very big bang. There’s a lot of laughing. ‘Look at him,’ the big voice says. There’s more banging. ‘Good place to hide.’ The man’s laughing and laughing. ‘Under the bed, like you’re a kid.’ There’s more banging. There are a lot of crashing noises.

  ‘Please, please,’ someone says. I think it’s Brick. I think it is. But he sounds very small. ‘I’ll ge’ your money.’