Not Thomas

by Sara Gethin

  ‘And he hurt his foot, too.’ Miss is pulling off my sock. We’re all looking at my foot. We are looking at the big black patch on it.

  ‘How did you do that?’

  ‘Well, his finger was ja—’ Miss has stopped because the doctor is holding up his hand.

  ‘I’d like Henry to tell me himself,’ he says. He’s looking at me sitting on Miss’s lap. ‘Is that okay, Henry?’

  I am nodding a bit. I’m taking a big breath and I’m remembering to keep my chin down. ‘My finger was stuck in the cupboard door.’ I’m looking at Miss a tiny bit. She’s not looking at me. She’s looking at the doctor. ‘And I cried. Then my gran ran to help me and…’ I am taking another big breath. ‘She stepped on my foot.’ I’m holding my collar and I’m looking at Miss again. She’s still looking at the doctor. He’s writing things down. She’s rubbing my back. ‘By accident,’ I say.

  ‘Wow, that was unlucky.’ The doctor’s stopped writing now. He’s touching my foot. He’s moving it about. It’s hurting quite a lot. ‘There are lots of small bones in your foot. You might have damaged some of them. I think you’d better have it X-rayed. And your finger too. I’ll just get the nurse to take you…’ The doctor’s going out of the door.

  ‘Was that right?’ I’m saying it quietly.

  ‘Perfect.’ Miss is saying it into my hair. ‘Well done, Henry.’ I’m laughing.

  The doctor’s coming back in. The lady in the blue uniform is with him. ‘Follow Nurse. She’ll show you the way to X-ray,’ the doctor says. Miss is picking me up. We’re going through the doors. We are following Nurse.

  ‘Just along there,’ she says, ‘on the right. Take a seat outside. They’ll call you when they’re ready. There’s no one else waiting, so you shouldn’t be long.’ We’re sitting down again. Miss is putting my sock back on.

  A lady’s put her head out of a door. ‘Henry?’ Henry Lewis?’

  ‘I’m Henry Lewis,’ I say. I’m smiling at Miss.

  ‘Come on in with your mum, then.’ We’re going into the lady’s big room. My socks are sliding on the floor. ‘Your mum can help you put this on.’ The lady is holding up something. It has stars on it. It looks like a dress.

  ‘It’s just his hand and foot,’ Miss says. ‘Surely he doesn’t need…’

  ‘Everyone has to get changed,’ the lady says. She’s giving the dress to Miss. ‘If you can help him.’ The lady’s bending down to look at me. My collar feels very tight. ‘I’m going to X-ray you.’ She’s smiling at me. She’s smiling and smiling. ‘But first you’ll have to get undressed.’

  * * *

  The lady has X-rayed my hand. She has X-rayed my foot. Miss has had to wait outside but she’s coming back in now.

  ‘Everything looks okay,’ the lady says. She’s smiling at us. ‘If you just wait here a minute, I’ll get the doctor to check the X-rays.’

  Miss is helping me take off the dress. She’s helping me put on my clothes. We’re putting them on quick. Miss is putting my socks in her bag. ‘We’ll have to hurry, Tomos,’ she says. ‘She’s seen the bruises on your neck.’ She’s picking me up. She’s carrying me out of the room. She’s carrying me fast. We are not going the way we came in. We are not going to the doctor’s room. We’re going past lots of other rooms. Miss is carrying me past a little shop. It has some newspapers outside it. She’s carrying me past a big room. It’s full of tables. She’s carrying me fast fast. There are big doors in front of us. They’re opening all by themselves. ‘At last,’ Miss says. Her voice is tiny. We’re going through them. We’re going out into the dark. We’re going out to the car park. Miss is slow now. ‘Just a bit further.’ Her voice is tiny tiny. We’re by the car. Miss is opening the door. She’s putting me on the seat in the back. She’s holding on to the door. She’s closing her eyes. I can hear her breathing. And breathing. And breathing.

  She’s opening her eyes. She’s looking right at me. ‘Okay, Tomos,’ she says. ‘Time to face Colin.’

  * * *

  We’re back at Miss’s house. Miss is carrying me to the front door. She’s opening it. We’re going in.

  ‘Good grief, Lowri, put him down!’ a man says. He’s standing in the hall. He’s got a red face. ‘You’re supposed to be careful. Wasn’t one miscarriage enough?’

  Miss is putting me down. I’m holding onto her hand. I’m standing behind Miss. I am peeping with one eye. I am peeping at the man with the red face. ‘Quiet, Colin.’ Miss is smoothing my hair. ‘You’re frightening him. He’s been through enough without you terrifying him, too.’ She’s bending down. She’s putting her face next to my face. ‘This is Colin.’ She’s saying it to me. ‘He’s very nice really.’ She’s looking at the man with the red face now. ‘And this, as you’ve already guessed, is Tomos. We’ve just been to have him checked over at A&E.’ She’s still smoothing my hair.

  ‘Have I stopped being Henry Lewis now?’ I’m saying it quietly to Miss. I think she might have forgotten to pretend.

  ‘Henry Lewis?’ Colin says. ‘What the—’ I’m hiding behind Miss’s legs again.

  ‘I couldn’t use our real names at the hospital,’ Miss says. ‘I had to think of something else.’

  ‘So you used my nephew’s name. You thought that would be okay?’ He’s rubbing his head. He’s making a blowy noise with his mouth.

  ‘I needed an actual name and address,’ Miss says. ‘A proper postcode. Everything’s computerised now. They’d have known if I’d made it up.’

  ‘So you used my sister’s address?’ He’s saying it very loud. ‘Lowri, what the hell were you thinking?’

  ‘It’ll be all right,’ Miss says. ‘They won’t check.’

  ‘Of course they’ll check!’ Colin is shouting now. I’m making myself very small behind Miss’s legs.

  ‘Well then, I’ll explain to the hospital. And to your sister. I’ll make it all right, I promise.’

  ‘I can’t believe you’ve done this.’ Colin is shaking his head. He’s very very red now. ‘We talked about this and we decided you would not interfere.’

  ‘You decided we’d do nothing,’ Miss says. ‘I didn’t agree.’

  ‘We agreed you’d check on him, that’s all.’

  ‘I did check. And things were even worse than I thought.’

  ‘So call the police,’ Colin says. ‘Don’t take matters into your own hands. Call social services.’

  ‘I told you, I couldn’t do that to Rhiannon. I’ve got to give her some time. I want to make her see what’s at stake.’

  Colin’s mouth is making a very big blowy noise now. ‘You don’t owe that girl a thing. Look what she did to Nannette and Dafydd. And you still think she’s worth worrying about?’

  I am listening hard. I’m hiding behind Miss and I’m listening very hard. I can hear Mammy’s name. I can hear the names Nanno and Dat call each other.

  ‘She was just reacting badly to Nannette’s illness, that’s all,’ Miss says. ‘She wasn’t being malicious, not really. I’ve tried to explain it to you.’

  ‘So you’ve got a degree in psychology now, have you?’

  ‘I understand her, Col. I know how she behaved when she was little.’

  ‘Well, you would understand her, wouldn’t you?’ Colin is nodding his head. ‘Because you’re just like her, deep down.’

  ‘Oh, Colin,’ Miss is holding out a hand to him. ‘Don’t start that again. Let’s not argue. Tomos is here now, so just say hello and be nice to him.’ Miss is pulling me a bit from behind her legs.

  ‘You’re completely crazy,’ he says. ‘I should have known you’d turn out like this. My mother warned me you would.’ He’s walking up and down the hall. And he’s rubbing his head again.

  ‘Colin, calm down and just say hello to Tomos. Please.’

  Colin is stopping. He’s taking a big breath. He’s looking at me. ‘Hello, Tomos,’ he says. He’s looking at Miss now. ‘Is that good enough for you?’

  ‘And smile.’

  Colin’s making anot
her blowy noise. He’s looking at me again. His mouth is smiling. It’s smiling a bit. But his eyes still look cross. ‘You see, Tomos,’ Miss says. ‘Colin is friendly after all.’ She’s holding my hand. She’s pulling me a bit more. She’s pulling me out from behind her legs. ‘It’s okay. Come and say hello, too, Tomos.’

  I am holding Miss’s hand. I’m holding it tight. I’m holding one of her legs. I’m pushing my face into her trousers. I’m looking at Colin a bit. I’m looking at him with one eye. ‘Hello.’ I am saying it quick. I’m pushing my face back into Miss’s trousers. I’m hiding my face from Colin.

  ‘There,’ Miss says. ‘The two of you are friends now.’

  ‘Lowri, this is crazy,’ he says. ‘You can’t do this.’

  ‘I am doing it.’ Miss is still holding my hand. I’m peeping a bit at Colin. His face isn’t too red now.

  ‘This could spoil everything,’ he says. ‘It could ruin your career before you’ve even got it started.’ He’s sitting down on the stairs. He’s holding his head. ‘It could ruin us too. I can’t handle you doing this.’ He’s looking down at the carpet. ‘I can’t handle it.’

  Miss is going to him. She’s pulling me behind her. She’s putting her other hand on Colin’s shoulder. ‘Please understand, Col.’ She’s kneeling down. She’s putting her head next to Colin’s. ‘I can’t abandon him. I know what it’s like to be small and terrified. And I was eight years old. He’s only five.’ She’s putting her hand under his chin. ‘Please, Col, please understand.’ She’s lifting his chin up.

  I’m peeping from behind Miss. Colin is looking up at her. His face isn’t red now. His eyes are pink and they’re wet. ‘We should have been friends back then,’ he says, ‘back when we were in primary school. I could have helped you.’

  ‘I know,’ Miss says. ‘You would have saved me.’ She’s kissing his forehead. ‘You have saved me.’ She’s kissing his mouth.

  I am remembering something. I’m remembering something very nice. Something very very nice about Colin. I’m coming out from behind Miss. I’m coming out a little bit. I’m tapping Colin’s knee. He has stopped kissing Miss. He’s looking at me now.

  ‘I like your sandwiches,’ I say.

  * * *

  I have been to the toilet. I’ve washed my hands on a flannel and I’m drying them on Miss’s nice towel. I’m putting it back on the rail. I’m jumping up and I’m pulling on the light switch. The light has gone off. I’m picking up my truck and my letter and my fifty pence. And I’m closing the bathroom door after me. I’ve been watching a programme on telly. It’s got a yellow boy in it. I’m going back to watch some more. I’ve got some sandwiches too. They’re tuna mayo and sweetcorn. Miss made them for me and her sandwiches are nearly as good as Colin’s. I’m starting to go down the stairs.

  I can hear Miss and Colin talking. They’re in the kitchen and the door is closed. I can hear their voices. Colin is cross again. He’s shouting very quietly. I am sitting down on the stairs. I’m putting my truck and my letter and my fifty pence down next to me. And I’m listening.

  ‘You’ve been feeding him and clothing him behind my back. What else? Have you set up his college fund yet?’

  ‘Oh, Col. I had to feed him. You wouldn’t want him to starve, would you? We’re talking a few pounds here and there.’

  ‘Well, I suppose you’d say it was up to you how you spend your money. After all, you’re the one earning. I’m the one scrounging off you.’

  ‘That’s not the way it is.’

  ‘Our money is your money really. You made that plain on holiday. Your money paid for the holiday so you decided to come home early.’

  ‘Don’t be like that, Col.’ Miss sounds very tired. ‘I said that out of desperation. You know that’s not how it is. What’s mine is yours. We’re a partnership. Equal.’

  ‘Well, it’s hard to be equal when one person’s doing things behind the other’s back.’

  ‘Oh, Colin. You knew I was looking out for him. What did you expect me to do? Watch him starve?’

  ‘I didn’t expect you to do this. I thought you’d call social services.’

  ‘We’ve been through all that.’

  ‘This is the worst thing you could do. Think of your job. You’ve already overstepped the mark by forging a signature.’ Colin’s voice sounds very very cross. ‘Forging a signature, Lowri.’

  ‘So he could go on the class trip,’ Miss says. ‘I couldn’t leave him behind just because Rhiannon hadn’t signed the slip. I know what it’s like, Colin, to be the only child left behind while everyone else goes ice skating…or to the theatre. That was me until I learned how to copy my mother’s writing.’

  ‘It’s no excuse. It wasn’t up to you whether he went or not. It wasn’t your decision.’

  ‘He was desperate to go. He’d been looking forward to it for weeks.’

  ‘You could lose your job if the school found out.’

  ‘He’s more important than my job.’

  ‘And more important than me? Than us?’

  ‘Now you’re being ridiculous.’

  ‘Am I, Lowri? And how will we eat if you lose your job?’ Colin says. ‘How will we pay the bills? This is madness. He shouldn’t be here.’

  ‘I’m not going to lose my job, and anyway you’ll find something soon, Col.’

  ‘Oh that’s right, turn it round onto me. It’s all my fault for being out of work.’

  ‘That’s not what I said.’

  ‘You might as well have.’

  ‘Look, I couldn’t leave him in his own house,’ Miss says. ‘The whole place was smashed up. Broken glass all over the place. There were used syringes in the bathroom.’

  ‘Then you should have called the police.’

  ‘I didn’t want to scare him. And I don’t want to get Rhiannon into trouble. I want to help her.’

  ‘She doesn’t deserve your help.’

  Miss says, ‘She’s nineteen, Colin, she’s just a kid herself. And she’s like a little sister to me. I can’t turn my back on her. I just can’t.’

  ‘She’s only three years younger than you, Lowri. And you think she’s a kid? So what are you?’

  ‘I had to grow up fast,’ Miss says. ‘Because of my mother.’

  ‘Oh yes, blame your mother. It’s always about your mother. Well, it’s time Rhiannon grew up now. She had a waster of a mother too.’

  I can hear the music starting again. The music of the programme I’ve been watching. But I’m not moving. I’m staying on the stairs. And I’m listening hard.

  ‘He’s not stopping here.’

  ‘You’re being unfair, Col.’

  ‘Face it, Lowri. Rhiannon is not the little sister you never had. And Tomos is not the child you lost. You can’t change the past by trying to rescue him.’

  ‘That’s cruel, Colin.’ Miss’s voice sounds strange. ‘I didn’t think you were like that. I know I can’t change the past. And I know Tomos isn’t the child I lost.’

  But I am. I am the child Miss lost. I am the child Miss lost at the zoo. I can hear Miss crying again now like she did when the lamb man found me.

  ‘I know you’re selfish,’ she says. ‘And you can be lazy too. And you try and control everything I do. But I didn’t think you were cruel.’

  ‘Lazy?’ Colin isn’t shouting quietly now. ‘You think I’m lazy?’

  ‘And I didn’t lose a child, Colin,’ Miss says. ‘I didn’t have a miscarriage. You never worked it out, did you?’ Her voice is all funny. It’s sad and cross too. ‘I killed it. I killed our baby.’ And a door is opening. It’s opening fast. Miss is calling, ‘Tomos! Tomos!’

  And I’m picking up my truck and my letter and my fifty pence. I’m picking them up fast fast. And I’m running down the stairs to her.

  * * *

  We are in Miss’s silver car again. We have been driving round and round in the dark. Round and round and round. Miss has stopped crying now. She’s blown her nose a lot of times. There are lots of squish
y tissues on the seat next to her.

  ‘Tomos.’ She’s looking at me in the little mirror stuck to the roof. ‘I’m sorry I took you to my house.’ Her voice sounds all wobbly.

  I say, ‘I liked your house. It was nice.’

  ‘I shouldn’t have taken you there.’

  ‘Colin was cross with me.’

  She’s shaking her head. ‘No, he wasn’t. He was cross with me. And he was right to be cross with me.’ She’s smiling at me in the mirror. ‘He likes you. And most of the time he’s very friendly. It didn’t sound like it tonight, though.’

  ‘I like him too,’ I say. It’s nearly true. ‘He makes nice sandwiches.’

  Miss is smiling a bit. ‘The thing is, you can’t stay at my house. It wouldn’t be right. I hope you’re not too disappointed.’

  I am trying not to be too disappointed. I’m trying hard. I liked Miss’s house. It was warm and it smelt nice. ‘I’m not disappointed. Are you taking me back to my house?’ I don’t want to go back to my house. I don’t want to think about Mammy’s room. And about what’s on the floor. ‘Did Mammy ring?’ My voice is very small.

  ‘No,’ Miss says. ‘She hasn’t phoned, so she can’t have found my note. I’m not taking you back. But I’m going to find the best place to take you. It’ll be somewhere safe and warm. You’ll be fine there. And you’ll have plenty to eat.’

  ‘Is Dat’s house the best place to take me?’ I’m hoping and hoping it’s the best place to take me.

  ‘Well,’ Miss says. She’s biting her lip a bit. ‘You know you’re not allowed to see Dat at the moment.’

  ‘I know.’ I am hoping and hoping. I’m bouncing up and down a bit.

  ‘But I do need his help. He might know somewhere I can take you.’

  ‘Are we going to see Dat? Are we going now?’ The seat in the back of Miss’s car is very very bouncy.

  ‘Yes, I need to ask him something. But you can’t see him, Tomos, I’m afraid. You’ll have to stay in the car.’ Her voice is wobbly again. ‘Do you think you can do that for me?’

  I’m not bouncing now. I’m not bouncing at all. ‘I think I can,’ I say.