Totally Fishy (A Miller Sisters Mystery)

by Gale Borger

  I choked and J.J. chuckled. We answered simultaneously. It sounded something like, "Hah. Uh…We're not, uh…Married…Hah. Marry into a family of lunatics?...I wouldn't marry him on a…Horse's ass. She and I have known each other too…naked…Since childhood…Did you say naked? She won't have…A prayer…Gone to hell in a hand basket…I said, did you say naked?"

  "Stop! Please stop! Hank held up his hands. "May I take that as a we're not married yet?"

  My hand bit into J.J.'s arm and we nodded.

  "Well, you sure sound like you are." I took a large breath and Hank held up his hand. "Please spare us all and don't start again."

  "Okay," I said meekly.

  Hank let out a hearty laugh and turned back to Ian. "Well, boyo, what have we got here?"

  "Excuse the stupid joke, Hank, but I'm literally a fish out of water. I'm hoping that between you, Sam, Evo, and Fred I might be able to make sense of all this. Step over to the whiteboard for a minute. I think I can bring you up-to-date more quickly this way."

  While the men spoke, I sidled over to Al, who tapped away at Ian's computer. "Got it figured out yet, Al?"

  She looked at me over her half glasses and said, "Almost. Ian is definitely a genius when it comes to plants, but I think he slept through Computers 101."

  We shared a chuckle and Al turned back to the computer. I sobered as I tried to remember how long it had been since I'd shared a joke–or anything but animosity–with Al.

  It had become a habit to snap on every little thing with her. She was such a pain most of the time, always adopting a 'holier than thou' attitude with the rest of us. As I watched her, I wondered if she'd developed an attitude as a defense mechanism to deal with whatever crap ate at her.

  "You ain't no shrink, Buzz, so stay out of her head," I muttered, mostly to myself.

  "It's about time you realized that," Al said, gaze glued to the computer screen.

  "What the hell does that mean? Geez, just when I thought maybe you weren't as big a pain in the ass as I thought…"

  "No, I admit I'm a pain in the ass, but the ten million dollar question is…why?" She smiled mysteriously and went back to typing.

  I left and went to sulk by J.J. "Bonding with Al, are you?"

  I shot him an evil look and he ruffed up my hair again.

  He leaned in close and whispered, "I'm proud of you, Buzz. It's about time you guys stopped bickering and got to know each other."

  He kissed my ear and I got that mushy-kind-of-warm thing going again. Oh, no, not again. Stop it, Buzz, it's only J.J.. Don't go stupid, girl, hold it together. It's Only J.J.

  I pretended great interest in the slides in front of me until my breathing returned to normal. I felt my cheeks to see if they were within normal temperature range before returning to the crowd. I needed to think about something that didn't remind me of J.J., or sex, or of sex and J.J. in the same sentence. "Oh, my God, I'm in trouble."

  "Whatcha thinkin' oh-mastermind-detective-sister-o-mine?" Fred looked amused.

  "Don't laugh, but I was thinking the people in this room represent about a hundred years of schooling."

  "Wow, should I feel intimidated or something?"

  "Funny you should say that. I was feeling really undereducated until I realized that we all have our special talents."

  "Such as?"

  "Oh, I figured we could probably take most of them in a loogie launching contest, or spoon-hanging, cow pie tossing, beer chugging, or something equally worthwhile, so what the hell, they're only people, right?"

  Fred laughed, "You are so right, Buzzard, with talents like ours, we have the world by the ass!"

  "Right you are, oh belching champion of 1974. C'mon, sis; let's make those eggheads put those doctorates to work, shall we?"

  "I'm with you, detective."

  I walked over to the whiteboard and pushed the button to forward the screen (leave it to Ian not to have the standard flip-over kind like mine). I picked up a marker and began to draw. Now when I say draw I mean it in the most elementary fashion. Lakes are circles, mountains are lumps, people are sticks–you get the idea.

  I drew a big Venezuela, and marked the lake with the dead fish, the village, the jungle, and Drilling Site 151. With Ian's help, I drew in the mountains and proximity of where the andidum is found in Peru. I marked in the only known lake where they'd found the endangered Endlers. "So, sports fans, what adds up here, and what does not?"

  "What do you mean?" J.J. walked to the board.

  "Instead of continuing with a science project that results in more questions than answers, let's put this on paper like an investigation. Now what are the facts as we know them?"

  J.J. grinned. "I love it when you speak police."

  "Shut up and help, J.J." I poked him in the chest and he sat.

  Ian said, "We know plants are in the wrong spot."

  I drew a line from the Venezuelan Rainforest Lake to the dry tropical forest in the Andes.

  Sam added, "We know the Endlers have never before been found in that area."

  I drew a line from the lake near 151 to the lake where Endlers were found by Evo and Luis.

  Evo said, "We know the poison couldn't have come from 151."

  Sam corrected him. "We think the poison could not come from 151."

  "No," Evo corrected, "We know it. I called my lab this morning and the tests I took show no indication of any leaks or accidental runoffs in that direction, which would have been uphill. Soil and water samples yielded no signs of heavy metal content, and the drilling site is forty minutes on foot downhill from the lagoon. I tried to call Ron Hansen, the foreman at 151, but he must be in the field because there's no answer at his office."

  Sam dropped her head. "Wow. I uh, that's good to know."

  I drew an "X" through Site 151. "Okay, so what does all this mean?"

  Fred jumped in. "We know Endlers aren't found in the same spot as the ferns, and the ferns can't grow where the Endlers were found."

  "Ergo?" Hank shifted his weight forward.

  "Ergo," I said smugly, "I believe the fish were transported to that lagoon from the region where the andinum is found."

  Evo spoke up. "I don't know if this will help, but there has been an extraordinary amount of rainfall in the area where we found the fish."

  I looked at Evo. "How do you know this?"

  Evo barked out a laugh. "Hell, Luis and I slogged through it. The rainfall is almost double the norm for this time of year. I also confirmed this by way of Foreman Hansen at the Site. He said their pumps were working overtime, but everything is keeping up–no spillage. What does that have to do with anything?"

  "Maybe nothing," I said. "But it lends credence to our theory that the fish were transported in, because that plant material in their bellies could never have survived in that amount of rainfall. Also, the runoff, if there was one, had to come from further up the mountain, where you and Ron Hansen claim Maldonado has no drilling or mining interests."

  Hank spoke up. "So in essence you're saying?"

  Making checks and slashes on the whiteboard to prove a point, continued. "I am saying someone stocked the lagoon, and someone else–I presume someone else–poisoned the fish and the village water supply, and it was not Maldonado Oil."

  "But why? Those villagers represented a workforce, and it was their personal water supply."

  Hank looked confused. "What's this about a village disappearing?"

  Evo took up the explanation. "There was a village uphill from the lagoon. I found dead livestock and many new graves in the churchyard.

  "The rest of the people must have fled before whatever killed their kin struck them. I believe it was the same toxins in their water supply as what killed the fish in the lagoon. Buzz thinks perhaps the rains washed something down the mountain–I don't know, but we need to find out."

  I couldn't believe Hank didn't get it. "Hank, the villagers didn't poison themselves. I think it came from further up the mountain."

  Evo chimed i
n. "But there is no evidence there is anything up there."

  Fred asked, "What about this Devil's Eye the oil guys spoke of?"

  "Maybe there was another natural pool up the mountain from which the rain overflowed to transport the poison into the lagoon." J.J. added.

  I nodded. "That's my guess, but it has to be manmade, as toxins in large amounts such as Evo found don't normally exist in the wild. Evo, were you able to confirm there was nothing further up the mountain?"

  Evo's shoulder slumped. "I didn't have time to check, but Hansen said the Nunez oil site is the only operation on that mountain." He sat up. "Maybe there is something illegal going on further up the mountain. A couple of locals were very afraid when they told Luis and Alfredo something about the Devil's Eye–"

  Hank's bellowing laugh startled us into silence. "Devil's Eye? My eye! What kind of crap is this displaced plant business? Transporting plants? Transporting large quantities of fish? Poisoning a pond? How ridiculous."

  The hair on the back of my neck stood up. "I beg your pardon?"

  Fred cut in before I could behead him with words. "Whoa, Buzz, I think he means that it doesn't make sense for someone to stock such a remote lagoon with little fish no one cares much about, and then poison them."

  Hank continued. "What are the chances someone filled up a lagoon with fish, and then someone else presumably created a separate toxic water source that accidentally or intentionally killed off those fish?"

  Evo said, "Uh, slim to none?"

  "Exactly," Hank blustered. "Naught but an idiot would think someone took the trouble to use expendable fish to stock an out-of-the-way location and then poison it. To what end? What would be the point? I think that Maldonado Oil Company needs another look. They're the only ones with a motive. Money talks, you know."

  I was really pissed now, and took a step toward Hank. I pointed to myself. "Well, this idiot thinks the answers lie with the fish. Without seeing the site, how can we make a determination on motive?"

  Hank would not be cowed and took a step toward me. "Assuming, of course that criminal intent is actually involved?"

  I advanced on him again, ticking the facts off on my fingers. "There is nothing in the region to warrant toxic waste entering the lagoon naturally. Fish that don't live there were found mostly dead in said same lagoon. A rare plant which cannot survive in that climate is found to have been ingested by those same fish. An entire village has disappeared, and you, sir, do not find probable cause to look into the situation?"

  I felt J.J. grab the back of my shirt before I could bump chests with Hank. He hauled me back. "I think that wraps it up for now. Maybe we can get together later and run over some of the finer points. Evo, why don't you make a couple of calls to your boss so we can clear up any questions regarding anything being uphill from the village? Ian, Mag, and Sam will continue to look at the specimens Evo brought here, and the rest of us can take time to sort out our different theories. We can meet at Buzz's or Fred's tomorrow or the next day to sort things out. How does that sound to everyone?"

  We concurred, and our group began to take its leave.

  On the way home, I called Sam at the lab and asked if she, Ian, and Mag would meet us at my house in about three hours to discuss how to proceed.

  "Sounds like a road trip is in order," Sam said.

  "Road Trip? I'm not talking about a road trip. I can't just take off to Venezuela! We–"

  "Peru."

  "What? Oh. Peru, then Venezuela. Out of the question. We'll discuss this at my house later. See you then."

  Hanging up the phone, I stared straight ahead until Fred screeched in my ear. "Road Trip!" Excited, she began to babble. "Plans! We need plans. Passports. When do we go? Luis and Alfredo can run the pet shop. I'd bet they'd love to. Buzz, take the dogs out to Mom's. She'd love to have them."

  "Fred." J.J. put his arm around my neck and spoke up.

  "Hell, Honey. I'll just stay at your place so the dogs don't get too traumatized. Wes, Hill, and I will be fine. They love me."

  I'm sure I looked horrified. "Honey who? Stay at my place? Are you insane? Don't answer that. Let me think. I can't go anywhere. I shook my finger at him. There'll be talk, James Joseph Green!"

  "There's always talk. It'll just be our turn again, but think of it this way. You won't have to be around to hear it."

  Fred rambled the rest of the way to my house and thirty minutes later the rest of the gang arrived. "So much for three hours," I grumbled.

  The minute they clambered through my front door, plans for the great trip were being hammered out loudly.

  I could think of no further arguments against the trip, as they had just about everything figured out. I looked helplessly at J.J., Evo, Sam, Ian, and Fred. "I uh, don't have bug spray."

  Evo chuckled. "But you do have a passport?"

  "Y-yes, of course."

  "Then it is settled. I can see what kind of a flight we can get out. Our pilot is staying at a hotel near the airport, and if he is sober, we'll get out tonight."

  "Tonight? I can't leave tonight!"

  Evo took Sam's arm and led her a short distance away. They spoke in low tones, and I could see they were making personal plans.

  "Fred," I said while the others were occupied. If we leave tonight Mom will kill us. You're hosting Thanksgiving this Thursday, remember?"

  "Oh, crap, I forgot. I'm sure Evo and Sam won't mind waiting until after the holiday, and if they do, we'll just follow later on Friday. Sound good to you?"

  "No, but it sounds better than the alternative."

  Evo was on his cell phone. He hung up and came back to the group. "Tony will stay here. Alexandra said she will keep an eye on him. For medical reasons, I think he would best serve us investigating the live fish at Fred's house–if she does not mind."

  Fred waved him off. "Heck no! Mi casa is su casa or however it goes. My house is your house. He can work down stairs, and Luis and Alfredo can assist. My only request is that we put the trip off a couple of days, after the Thanksgiving holiday."

  Evo slapped his forehead. "I'm sorry; your American Thanksgiving holiday is at the end of this week, is it not? That might be to our favor. It will give me time to contact my pilot and make sure he is sober, as well as finalize the arrangements in Lima. It will give us all time to prepare; you need to pack for the jungle. I'll make you a list."

  I swallowed hard. "Jungle?"

  Fred elbowed me in the ribs then threw an arm around my neck and bumped my hip in rhythm. "Wee-de-de-de-de-de-de-de-do the lion sleeps toniiight. Yes, Buzz, we'll be two cheeseheads in the Jungle."

  I jabbed her back and she sucked in a breath. "Uh, make that one cheesehead and one shithead."

  Fred grimaced and I smiled, feeling much better.

  Sam looked around at the group with misty eyes. "Thank you all. I cannot believe you would all put your lives on hold to come with me to check out some stupid little fish." She looked up at Evo and took his hand. "Your first vacation in forever and you're going back for me." She swiped at a tear.

  "For the villagers, the fish, and for science, Samón." Evo kissed her temple and walked away, leaving her staring and stunned.

  "What was that all about?" She stared wide-eyed at Fred and me.

  Still irritable, I said, "I don't know. It's these men; I think they're all whacking out."

  Fred stared after them. "Yep. Maybe it's a full moon or something."

  A shiver crawled up my neck and I nodded toward the dead fish. "Whatever it is, I have a feeling whatever we find in Venezuela, will make our little discovery here seem mild in comparison."

  14

  The following morning, Tom and Mark followed the Suzuki carrying the Gallegos brothers into Illinois to the Great America exit. Mark was rubbernecking at the Gurnee Mills Shopping Center. "Holy Cow, Tom, did you see that? We gotta go back there! There must be a thousand stores in that place!"

  Tom yanked the Cooper right and caught the ramp in time. "That's Bass Pro Shops and the
y also have a 120,000 gallon aquarium in there with live native fish. I read the advertisement. They have a shooting range and about a mile long shopping mall attached to it."

  At Mark's eager expression, Tom became adamant. "No, we are not going there. We have a job to do." He thought about it and softened. "Maybe we'll go afterwards, okay? Maybe they have an ice cream store. I'll need ice cream by then."

  Mark smiled and sat back.

  Tom let a few cars get in front of them. As they turned right into the Great America parking lot, they could not help but be awed by the size of the place. They had to scramble to keep track of where Luis and Alfredo parked the Suzuki. They parked about ten rows away and waited.

  The Gallegos brothers gamboled like puppies to the front gate and went in. Mark grabbed a brochure, sat back, and grumbled. "Don't see why we can't go have fun while we wait to murder 'em."

  "Shut up and wait. Let's see how quickly the parking lot fills up, and then we'll see how much time is left. If we have to wait for dark, it'll be a long day."

  Mark stopped flipping through the brochure and looked up. "Then we could go shopping until then. Look at this brochure. They've got a sports store the size of that Wal-Mart by our motel."

  "You'd better find a suitcase outlet too, Mark. You're going to need it."

  "Maybe I won't go home. We have papers that say we're citizens. Why not just stay here? Think about it. You could get a job, raise a family, and buy ice cream every day."

  Tom smiled. "Hmm, ice cream every day?" He shook his head. "Knock it off, we can't do that, we're about to become wanted men. We can't stay here and do the chicken dance for the rest of our lives. What is your new family going to say when they see your face on the Six o'clock News?"

  "I don't know…probably something like, 'Where did we go wrong?'"

  "Oh, shut up, Mark. You are so lame."

  "I'm lame? And you say I watch too much American TV?"

  They sat in silence. Tom was amazed at how fast the parking lot around them filled up. By 1:00 in the afternoon, cars sat wall-to-wall for what seemed like miles. The Gallagos brothers had parked away from the crowds, but no one could tell, as their car was sardined in tight.