by Amy Metz
“This morning.”
“Well that puts some pepper in the gumbo,” Velveeta said.
Johnny rubbed his hand over his face. “I don’t know, y’all. If Phil were behind this, would he be stupid enough to leave her right after he tried to have her killed?”
“Well, if he’s the one who wanted her dead then that’s stupid number one. We know he left her the day after she was in a car accident. That’s stupid number two. And stupid is stupid.”
“Um . . . What, Velveeta?” Johnny cocked his head.
“I mean stupid people do stupid things. All the time. That’s what makes them stupid. They’re not hooked up right.”
Jack surmised, “He tried to kill her twice, and she didn’t die. So now he figures he can’t get rid of her, so he might as well leave.”
Tess shook her head. “The only thing that bothers me is the timing. You would think a successful man like Phil would be smart enough to wait a while to leave his wife if he’d put a hit out on her.”
Velveeta held her hands up. “I’m telling y’all; he’s stupid.”
“I don’t know.” Johnny stroked his chin. “I can stop by and have a conversation with him, but I don’t see it going anywhere. We don’t have anything on him.”
Tess cleared her throat. “What if I obtained proof?”
Johnny frowned. “Zactly what kind of proof?”
“Written proof. Maybe he has incriminating emails or something on his computer.”
“Uh uh. The judge isn’t gonna give me a search warrant for a computer just because we think Phil’s stupid. And anything we obtain outside of a search warrant isn’t legal. I don’t wanna know about it.”
Tess sat on the edge of her seat and looked earnestly at Johnny. “But see, I think knowing the truth is half the battle. Once we find something, maybe that will lead us to something else that you could obtain legally.”
Johnny held his hands in the air as if to ward off evil. “Hold up. I don’t want to know anything about illegal activity.”
“Me either,” Velveeta said. “We got to go about this the right way. Y’all best let us handle it.”
“Well, you do what you gotta do, and we’ll do what we gotta do.”
Johnny lowered his eyebrows. “Jack, I don’t like the sound of that.”
“The sound of what? I didn’t tell you anything.”
“Darn right you didn’t. Nothing illegal, you two. You hear?”
“We hear,” Jack and Tess said in unison, waving as they walked out the door.
Mama always said . . . If you can’t run with the big dogs, stay under the porch.
Jimmy Dean sauntered into the bookstore, smiling broadly at Louetta. She put on her game face and smiled right back. “Jimmy Dean, what can I help you with today, darlin’?”
His response was the same as always. “Just here to browse, Miss Louetta. Just gonna browse.” She saw the challenge in his eyes and silently accepted.
“Well, if you’re looking for some self-help books, let me show you this . . . ” She took his arm and propelled him to the self-help section. Pulling a book off the shelf, she held it up for him to see the cover and the title: Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior. “This one might could help you.”
He started to protest, but she cut him off.
“Or this one: The Universe Doesn’t Give A Flying Fart About You.”
He snickered. “That’s not the title. The title is The Universe Doesn’t Give A Flying F*%# About You.” He said it louder than he needed to. When Pickle looked over at him from the top of a ladder several feet away, Jimmy Dean mouthed, “Or you.”
“You youngins think that F-bomb is the word to beat all words. Personally, I think it’s shallow. I think it’s for simpletons who can’t think an original thought to save their lives from dying.” She shoved the book into his chest and kept talking. “Or you might try this one. Granted, the title is a little wordy, but I think it just screams Jimmy Dean: Healing Your Emotional Self: A Powerful Program to Help You Raise Your Self-Esteem, Quiet Your Inner Critic, and Overcome Your Shame.” She pushed it at him behind the first book and kept going. “Or how about this one, hon? 100 Ways to Be a Better Man. Shoot, they shoulda put your name right on the title of that one, huh?” She talked in a friendly tone, but they both knew she was mocking him.
He kept putting books down, and she kept supplying more. Finally, he dropped an armload of books into a chair and began to walk away. She followed. “Those don’t interest you? Well what about this?” She pulled a Bible off the shelf and held it up.
He ignored her but twirled his finger next to his temple at a nearby customer.
Louetta kept right with him, violating his personal space.
“You want something recreational to read? How about this one?”
He put earbuds in his ears and pretended he couldn’t hear Louetta.
She raised her voice and inched closer to him. “Do you need something remedial? Those types are over there,” she pointed and attempted to direct him, but he pulled away and kept walking.
“If you don’t mind, I’d like to just browse on my own,” he grumped.
“Oh, honey, I just want to help you out, bless your heart. No offense, but you look like a lost puppy.”
He pretended to bump into a table of books, knocking some of them to the floor. She made no notice of it but kept in step with him, jabbering on and on.
“It sure is hot out there, idn’t it?
“That poor Miss Penny. What is this world coming to anyway?
“You going out for the high school football team? Oh no, scratch that.” She looked genuinely embarrassed at her gaff.
“How’s your mama and ‘em?” Louetta said anything that came to mind, talking like a magpie. Jimmy Dean didn’t respond, but that was fine with her. She was enjoying annoying him to pieces, and she was intent on not leaving his side until he left her store.
He stuck it out for ten minutes while she chatted nonstop. Finally, she followed him to the door. “You leaving so soon, J.D.? I hate to see you leave without a book, but you come back soon, you hear?”
At the door, he turned and met her eyes. “Oh, you can count on it, Mizz Louetta. Count on it.” To punctuate his statement, he put his sunglasses on and pushed them up with his middle finger. Then he stepped into the sunlight.
She followed closely. “I will, Jimmy Dean. And next time, we’ll practice method acting.”
“Method acting?” He turned and looked at her over his sunglasses.
“Yep. I’ll give you a little preview: You’ll be rice and I’ll be white.” She winked at him, stepped back, and closed the door in his face.
Phil walked into the diner and ignored the ugly look Junebug shot at him. The diner was almost empty, and he immediately saw Dee Dee.
“I got your text. What’s up? Are you all right?”
“You were right. Your wife wants to hire me.” Dee Dee stirred sugar into her coffee.
“I love it when a plan comes together.” Phil slid into the booth. “Frankly, I’m surprised she’d go to you. She never did like me getting texts from you or my having lunch with you. But then she always was about as bright as a night light.”
“She probably thinks it’s sweet justice, me on opposing sides of you. Hell, she probably even thinks it will cause a rift in our friendship.”
“Will it?”
“She’s going on the assumption that I do things on the up and up. I can finesse it so she thinks I’m doing one thing while I’m actually doing another.”
“Heck, you could sell barbecue to a pig.”
“And convince him it tastes good too.” She smiled, but it held no mirth, only smugness.
“But she’s still gonna want more than I’m willing to give her. I swear I’d rather pay legal and court fees than give the money to her.”
“Maybe you won’t have to do either.”
“I’m all ears on how you’re gonna do that. She’s still gotta sign a final agreeme
nt.”
Dee Dee waved him off. “I have my ways. She’s too dumb to catch on, Phil. And by the time she figures it out, you’ll be divorced and it will all be over. Now, how are you doing? We haven’t talked in a few days.”
Phil smiled at her. “Thanks for asking. You’re a great listener, and you see life the way I do. I guess what I’m saying is, it’s rare to find the kind of friendship you and I have together. I’ve just been so busy.” He shook his head and leaned back against the booth.
“Tell me what’s been going on. You look exhausted.”
Phil started to talk, but Junebug approached the table with a sourpuss expression. She stared down at Philetus without saying a word. He asked for a cup of coffee. Without so much as a nod, she walked away. Then she hollered to Slick, “Bend the crab.”
“What’s eating her?” Dee Dee hooked a thumb at Junebug.
“She must’ve heard I left Caledonia. I put up with that woman for twenty-five years, but I’m the bad guy when I leave.”
“Don’t worry. She’ll play the victim for a long time to come. But you can laugh all the way to the bank.”
He leaned toward her and talked in a low tone, so as not to be overheard. “But once she figures it out, there will be hell to pay.”
She waved her hand in the air dismissively. “Oh, she’s all bark and no dog. She’s too timid to do anything about it. Sure, she’ll get mad, but what’s she gonna do? She won’t pursue legal remedies; she won’t know who to go to or what to do or how to go about it.”
Junebug came back with a cup and saucer and a half-filled pot of coffee. She set both down with a bang and walked away.
“But what you’re suggesting is immoral, Dee. You could lose your license. I’d feel awful if you got in trouble on account of me.” Phil poured coffee into the cup. He took a sip and screwed up his face.
Dee Dee went on talking. “Immoral, schmimmoral. And no, I won’t lose my license. I’m telling you, sure she’ll eventually know we hoodwinked her, but what’s she gonna do? The reason she came to me in the first place is she didn’t know who else to go to. She won’t have the means or the brains to make a move. By the time we’re done with her, she’ll be so demoralized she’ll be lucky to be able to walk down the street and hold her head up.” They were quiet for a minute or so. Finally, Dee Dee said, “Plus, we have Louis and the judge in our pocket. I have all the bases covered.”
Phil wiped his mouth with a disgusted look on his face.
Dee Dee finally noticed his displeasure. “What’s the matter with you? Did I say something wrong?”
“That coffee.” Phil guzzled Dee Dee’s glass of water. “It takes like sludge, and it’s as cold as if it were made yesterday.”
Dee Dee took out her phone and typed into it. She waited for a search to load and then read silently for a moment.
“What on earth are you doing? I thought we were having a conversation and you up and decide to Facebook?”
She made a face. “I’m not Facebooking; I’m Googling.”
“Googling? Googling what?”
“The meaning of ‘bend the crab.’” She looked up at him. “Would you like to hazard a guess?”
Phil slumped over the table and rubbed his head. “I have no idea.”
“It means overcharge the rude customer.”
His head shot up. “I wasn’t rude. She was the rude one,” Phil sputtered.
Dee Dee got up and marched to the front of the diner. Behind the counter, she took a pot of coffee off a warmer, grabbed a new coffee cup, and headed back toward their booth. On the way, she passed Junebug and paused. “You can stop these sophomoric attempts at intimidation, missy.” She stepped back and slowly gave Junebug the once-over from head to toe. “You do not want me as an enemy. I can assure you I’ve won more fights than a cat in a dog pound. You want a fight? I’ll introduce you to my friends at the health department.” She grinned condescendingly. “Game on, honey.”
As Dee Dee walked away, Junebug muttered, “You should know all about dog pounds. And why don’t you get some shoes to go with those bags?”
Mama always said . . . if you run into a tree, try to do it as slow as possible.
Tess, Paprika, and Caledonia had agreed to meet at the diner to go over progress in the divorce process. Caledonia hadn’t yet arrived, but Tess and Paprika had just ordered sweet tea when Hank Beanblossom came in. The women exchanged a look, and then Tess waved him over.
“Hey, Officer. What’s new in the world of law enforcement?” Tess patted the seat next to her, inviting him to join them.
He sat and wiped his forehead. “Shew. Not much. The trail has dried up on Penny’s shooting. There’s just nothing there. And Jimmy Dean and his dad’s alibis check out, so it’s pretty much impossible that either one of them were involved in y’all’s automobile accident.”
“And what about your girlfriend? I haven’t seen her around lately,” Tess fished. Paprika kicked her under the table.
He lowered his head. His somber expression spoke before he did. “I haven’t either. She up and left town without a word.” He stifled an uneasy grin. “Guess I was just too attractive for her. I blew her away. Way far away. Clean out of town.”
Tess reached over to pat his arm as Caledonia came in. Paprika, as usual, blurted out what she was thinking. “That’s okay, Hank. She reminded me of an Old English sheepdog with that hair always hanging down over her eyes. How in the world could a body see with hair in your face like that all the time?”
Tess gasped and said, “Paprika!”
Caledonia approached the table warily. “What are all these sad faces for? Who died?”
Tess answered for the group. “Nobody died. We’re consoling Hank.”
“Consoling him for what?”
Paprika burst out with, “Trixie skipped town.”
“Paprika!” both women said together.
“Well, isn’t that what happened?”
“Oh, y’all, I’m all right. It’s better ‘n getting poked in the eye, I suppose.” Hank stood to let Caledonia sit down.
Junebug returned with the ladies’ iced tea. “Is this a party?”
“Hey, Junie B.” Hank put his arm around the woman. “Hireyew?”
“Honey, if I had a tail, it’d be waggin’. What can I gitcha?”
“I just stopped in for a sweet tea to go,” Hank said.
Caledonia raised her hand. “Sweet tea for me too, Jitterbug. And pie.”
“What kind y’ont, sugar?”
Caledonia rubbed her palms together. “What kind you got?”
“For you, if we don’t have it, we’ll make it right quick.” She rubbed Caledonia’s back. “By the way, that miserable, no-good, dirty rascal hound dog you used to call a husband was in here earlier.” She shook her head in disgust. “I sure don’t care for the company he keeps.”
“Why? Who was he with?”
“That little beady-eyed lawyer woman with the Dutch Boy haircut. Man alive, she’s so low-down, she could crawl under a snake’s belly. You know she threatened to call the health department on me? Why, the nerve!”
“What did she do an awful thing like that for, Junebug?” Hank asked.
A devilish smile came over Junebug’s face. “On account of me giving Philetus two-day-old coffee.” She snickered, stomped her foot, and slapped Hank on the arm. “I keep it around in case Clive and Earl get on my nerves. Phil beat ‘em to it.”
“So she threatened you? How rude!” Caledonia said.
“Yeah, well, I’ve had worse. I tell you what; she looked me up and down like a rodeo clown. But she don’t scare me none. Let her bring her health department buddies. Ain’t nothing wrong with this diner.” To Caledonia, she said, “Now, honey, what kind of pie y’ont?”
Caledonia’s contagious smile lit up her face. “Lemon chess, if you please. Y’all have that?”
“We do. Had a piece of it myself today. Coming right up.”
Hank got a phone call. He moved away to
take it and then hurried toward the door.
“Where you going?” Tess called after him.
Over his shoulder he yelled, “There’s talk of missing pigs on Buford Goodwin’s farm. I gotta take a report. See ya ‘round like a donut.”
They murmured goodbyes, and then Tess told Caledonia the real reason they were there, and Paprika joined in, telling her about her search in Phil’s emails and phone records.
“The good news is I don’t see anything overt or cryptic suggesting he’s trying to have you killed.”
“I never thought I’d hear those words uttered at me, but okay. What’s the bad news?”
“He has some very suggestive texts and emails. I can’t say how far it went, but he wasn’t completely innocent.”
“So he was carrying on. Mama always said don’t shush your gut. It won’t lie. I shushed it for far too long.”
“Nobody wants to believe such a thing could be true in their marriage.” Paprika stroked Caledonia’s long blonde hair.
Paprika spoke up. “You know, I think Oren could be just as culpable. And I know their marriage wasn’t as peachy keen as Penny wanted everyone to believe.”
Both women gawked at Paprika.
“And just how do you know that?” Tess asked.
“Well . . . I . . . I might have done some strolling through their personal emails and texts too. But just a little.” She held up her thumb and forefinger to illustrate just how little.
“Spice Girl, did you find anything we should tell Johnny about?”
Paprika shook her head. “I’m afraid not.”
Tess smoothed the paper place mat on the table in front of her. “The fact is, you and Penny resemble each other, and you both were having marital problems. But don’t discount Louis either. He wanted to keep you and Pickle from telling what you saw Jimmy Dean do.”
“But could any of that be reason enough for murder?”
“We’re talking about selfish, narcissistic men. Anything is possible.”
As Tess pointed to the wall of windows, her hand brushed her glass, spilling its contents onto the table. She began to wipe at the mess as she said, “There’s Lou and Martha Maye. Bet they just closed up shop.”