by Amy Metz
They waved through the window. Louetta was the first to the table. “Are y’all having a party? Did ya forget to invite us?”
“Never.” Tess hugged her. “We were waiting until you got here for the party to start.”
Lou squinted her eyes. “How’d you know I’d be here?”
Martha Maye texted something on her phone and then put it in her purse. “Mama, tell everybody what you did to Jimmy Dean.” She turned to the ladies. “Y’all are gonna love this.”
And they did. The women snickered, howled, roared, and whooped at Lou’s antics. As she got through telling her tale, Junebug reappeared with sweet tea and pie for everyone, whether they wanted it or not. Johnny arrived, and Jack soon joined the group, bringing Ima Jean and Butterbean with him.
“Got a moment? Need a Twix?” was Ima Jean’s greeting.
Paprika, who didn’t know Louetta or Ima Jean well, had to quietly be informed that Lou’s sister talked in commercial slogans ever since she had a stroke.
“Oh, my word.” Paprika’s hand covered her mouth. “You’re the one who was kidnapped last fall. I read all about you.”
“I want to be a Toys ‘R Us kid.”
“Too late, honey,” Louetta told her sister.
It was past dusk and almost pitch-black outside when the group decided to break up and go home. Louetta warned that they were going to roll up the sidewalks soon. They piled out of the diner and began saying their goodnights.
Butterbean saw it first. “Daddy!” she yelled in an alarming tone. Everyone’s eyes followed Butterbean’s pointed finger, which led to the town square across the street. In the gazebo and running all over the town green were little pink swine. Officer Duke was already on the scene, and he was putting on quite a show chasing the pigs. Everyone looked on in shock.
“There must be fifteen pigs loose,” Johnny mumbled, as a police car with flashing lights raced down Main Street. Hank’s cruiser screeched to a stop by the gazebo, and he sprang out of the car. Johnny crossed the street and immediately took charge, issuing directions.
Paprika yelled, “Hey, Hank! Tell Buford we found his pigs!”
The one who laughed the loudest at her comment was Jimmy Dean, who was sitting on a park bench thoroughly enjoying the show and wiping mud from his hands.
Mama always said . . . You may be given a cactus but you don’t have to sit on it.
Six months later . . .
On a rainy December day, Tess and Paprika coincidentally arrived at Caledonia’s house at the same time. They greeted each other on the covered front porch, and Paprika commented, “I sure am glad to see those bloodstains are gone.” She shivered and hugged her arms to her chest.
Tess shook out her umbrella and left it propped next to the front door. She turned to Paprika. “Are you shivering because of the cold or the memories?”
“Both,” Paprika admitted.
Tess nodded. “Any idea what’s she so upset about?”
Paprika pulled the hood off her head and shook out her curly red hair. “I don’t know, but she sounded murderous. I thought all this divorce stuff was signed, sealed, and delivered.”
Tess’s brow furrowed. “I hope we did the right thing encouraging her to go with Dee Dee. I always had a bad feeling about her.”
“She really didn’t have a choice. Phil went with Louis.”
“Let’s see what’s going on.” Tess rang the doorbell.
Holding a stack of papers in her hand, Caledonia answered the door with steely eyes and a flushed face.
“California, are you all right? What’s that?” Paprika pointed to the papers.
“The end of my life,” Caledonia said through tight lips.
“Oh, come on, honey. It can’t be that bad.” Tess put her arm around Caledonia as they walked to the sitting room.
“It’s worse than bad. I’m so mad I could spit square BBs. I’ve been taken to the cleaners. They got me. They both got me.” She hooked a finger in her mouth, comically pulling her face to the side. “See the hook? That’s where they reeled me in.”
“That’s impossible. We all read the agreement. I know Dee Dee didn’t fight for you as hard as she should have, and you had to make a lot of concessions, but there was enough for you to live on. For heaven’s sake, he owed you that much after twenty-five years of marriage.”
“That’s what I thought. But look.” She shoved the papers at the women. “The agreement we all read was a draft. The draft and this agreement I signed aren’t one and the same.”
“What on earth do you mean?” Tess moved the papers between her and Paprika. Caledonia held herself and rocked back and forth, Paprika bit her nails, and Tess’s head slowly shook from side to side in the silent room as the women read the legal papers.
Several minutes later, Tess was fuming, and Paprika tossed the papers on the coffee table in disgust.
“I can’t believe this, Cal. Not only did Phil screw you over but so did your own lawyer!”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. She pulled a fast one on me.”
“How did this happen?”
“We came to an agreement, and she emailed me the draft. I read it and replied that I would agree to the terms. She said she’d clean up the document, and all I had to do was drop by her office and sign the papers. So I did. But I never in my wildest dreams thought she would switch documents and have me sign something I never read, much less agreed to. But that’s exactly what she did.”
“You just assumed the docs were the ones you’d just read on your computer?” Tess offered. “But it doesn’t make sense. Why would she screw over her own client?”
“I don’t know. But this will not stand. This document is nothing but pure bologna.”
Paprika jumped up and headed for the door.
“Where are you going?”
“Home. I’m going to put my hacker skills to work and find out all I can on Ms. Dee Dee Petty, attorney-at-law.
Tess stood too. “And I’m going to talk to Jack about your legal rights. He hasn’t practiced law for several years, but he’ll know what you should do.”
Caledonia looked at them, and her eyes teared up. “Y’all are the best friends a girl could have.”
Paprika glanced at her phone. “How about we meet up at the diner in six hours? That should give us all a chance to do some research. Bring the kids, and we’ll get them their own table.”
“Sounds like a plan to me.” Tess touched her friend’s arm. “How about you, California?”
“Sure.” Her shoulders slumped. “I may be a bit late though. I have to close up Miss Penny’s.”
“Again? You sure are working a lot of hours up there.”
Caledonia shrugged. “Well, I need the money, and the shop needs the help.”
“All right, girls.” Paprika hugged Caledonia. “We’ll meet in six hours. See you then.”
The women had gathered at the diner that evening for their meeting, but Jack was late.
Tess explained, “He went out earlier in the day with Ezzie and said he’d meet us here. I’ve tried calling him, but he doesn’t pick up. I’m starting to get worried.”
Paprika tried to assuage her friend’s concern. “Don’t you fret an instant. He’ll be along.”
They’d eaten the whole plate of corn muffins while waiting for him. Tess’s phone dinged, and she read a text message from Jack.
She let out a huge breath, and the worry left her face. “He’s on his way. Said he’d explain when he got here.”
Finally, half an hour late, Jack stormed through the diner door and beat a path to the women’s booth.
“I’m so sorry, y’all. You would not believe what happened.” He kissed Tess on the cheek and slid in next to her.
Tess hugged his neck. “Where’ve you been? We were starting to get worried.”
“Would you believe Ezzie locked me out of my car?”
The women began to laugh. Tess said, “She did whaaaaaat?”
“Yep.
Locked me right out. I was running errands with her, you know. When I went in the post office, I parked at the door and left the car running so she could listen to her music.”
Tess explained, “She does love her Garth Brooks.”
The women nodded.
“But when I came back out, I saw her jump up and down and bark at me. And then I tried the door, and it was locked. She must’ve hit the lock button when she jumped.”
“Oh my word,” Caledonia slapped a hand over her mouth and giggled. All three women burst into laughter.
“And my keys and my phone were in the car with her.”
“So what did you do?” Tess pressed.
“Well, I stood there like a fool for about twenty minutes, trying to get her to jump on the door ledge again and unlock the doors. She just looked at me with those sad eyes, but I swear I saw some glee in them. I swear I did.”
“I’ll just bet you did.” Tess nodded knowingly. “Are you ever going to tell us how you finally got in the car?”
“Okay, so I was standing there like a fool, and Velveeta Witherspoon happened by. She comes up to the car, and I start telling her my sad story.” He took a drink of Tess’s tea. “And I hear this noise.” His eyes went from woman to woman to woman, making his tale more dramatic. “You know what it was?”
“What?” all three women impatiently said in unison.
“It was the window slowly coming down. That little booger wanted to hear what we were saying and rolled down the window.”
The women burst into peals of laughter. Jack’s exasperated expression soon turned, and he joined in with them.
“I tell you what, though. I was tempted to have Velveeta lock her up.”
“Wouldn’t do any good,” Tess said. “She’d just break out.”
The four were still laughing when Junebug came to the table and set a glass of sweet tea in front of Jack, along with his own plate of corn muffins.
Slick hollered, “Order up,” and she said she’d be right back.
Jack clapped his hands together and said, “Okay, team. What have we got?” He was incredulous that a lawyer would do such a thing and vowed to help Caledonia out of the mess in which she’d found herself.
“See, girls? Jackson is proof that not all lawyers are bad apples.” Tess hugged her husband’s arm.
“First let me tell y’all what I found out.” Paprika eagerly leaned forward.
“First let me take y’alls orders,” Junebug interjected, back at the table and pulling the pencil from the bun on the top of her head. “I told Slick to fry up some burgers and fries for the youngins.” She hitched her head to the table where Caledonia and Paprika’s kids sat. “Hope that’s okay?”
“Absolutely,” Caledonia said. “And the check is on me.”
To make it easy, they all ordered Blue Plate Specials and sweet tea. Junebug walked away hollering, “Blue Plate Specials for a bridge party.”
“Okay now, Paprika. What did you find out?” Tess leaned forward, arms on the table.
“Well, I’ve been able to recover the email that Dee Dee sent to Caledonia with the so-called final draft. I’ve also been able to find several emails from Dee Dee with agreement drafts sent to clients that were grossly written in favor of the husband.” She looked at Jack. “Jack, you can go to the clerk’s office and see if the agreement in the emails match the final settlement or if they’re different. Either way, something is hinky. And I’m sure the more digging I do, the more I’ll find.”
“You mean I’m not the only one?” Caledonia’s relief was evident in her widened eyes.
“You are not the only one who got screwed, honey. What’s more, I discovered one email from a man agreeing to pay Dee Dee so she would pull the switcheroo.”
“That’s criminal!” Caledonia’s mouth dropped open.
“And idiotic that she kept the email,” Tess added.
“Pure arrogance is what it is,” Jack sputtered.
Paprika narrowed her eyes. “And something else fishy is that almost all of her divorce settlements are signed by the same judge.”
“That has to be more than a coincidence,” Jack said.
“I think so too. I think they’re in it together. If someone should complain, they complain to the judge. I’m betting he tells them there’s nothing they can do and shuts them down before the complaint goes any further.”
“Do you have the emails and the names of these victims, Paprika?”
“I sure do. Here.” She handed him a piece of paper.
Caledonia looked worried. “The tricky part is approaching the women. How can we talk with them about this without letting on how we found out they’re involved?”
“Jack, you and I can go talk to them after we’ve found some more documents that don’t match,” Tess offered. “We won’t ever mention Paprika. We’ll just say we heard Dee Dee was their lawyer, and we’ll go from there. I’m betting she’s made enough women mad that someone will talk.”
“Once we have a statement from these women, we’ll take it to Johnny and the state bar.”
“That will be my pleasure.” Caledonia’s gaze went to the counter where Clive and Earl were arguing. “What’s up with those two?
Tess turned toward the old men and then back to Caledonia. “Clive got the mini-bulldozer he ordered, and now he has to put it together. They’re still arguing over which one will outpull the other.”
“Oh, Lord. Those two are going to die arguing.”
“And they’ll die happy,” Jack said.
The women laughed.
“Just when I thought I’d heard it all, someone comes along and proves me wrong.” The chief ran a hand over his face.
“It’s all true, Johnny.” Tess said from across the desk.
“Shewee, y’all sure you want to start this fight?” He sat back in his chair, gripping the armrests.
Jack, Tess, and Caledonia were in Johnny’s office and had just filled him in on what Paprika had found out about Dee Dee.
“I mean, granted, this has to stop, but I’m here to tell you it’s gonna be a fight. If a judge is involved, it’s gonna be harder because no judge is going to allow a motion to be heard that would expose him as corrupt. He’ll simply throw it out. And you have to know that judges stick together. In a perfect world, we could get this fixed. But if this has been going on for a while, we’re going to have people who want to cover it up and will ignore the evidence. I mean it, y’all. You’re facing an uphill battle.”
“Johnny, we can’t just sit by and let this happen.”
“I agree. I just think we need to be careful how we handle it. We have to think this through.” He rubbed his chin while he stared off into space. “Why don’t you let me go talk to Dee Dee first?”
“That’s fine. But something tells me we’re going to need more than just Caledonia’s complaint. Tess, Caledonia, and I will work on talking to the others.”
“Makes sense. It doesn’t hurt to get people on board. What she’s done is wrong, and we need to put a stop to it.”
“She won’t be able to deny it when you confront her with the two documents. You won’t even have to tell her we know about the others,” Jack said.
“It would be nice if she’d back down when she sees she’s been caught. I could offer her the chance to quietly right the wrongs,” Johnny said hopefully.
“You don’t say that with much conviction,” Tess noted.
Johnny made a face. “Honestly, I think the possibility of that happening is slim to none.” He looked at the list Caledonia gave him.
“Yep, and I’m betting slim just left town,” Jack agreed.
“Let me see what I can do. Then we can report her to the state bar once all is said and done. Document everything and make sure you have a paper trail that tells the story. And when talking with someone, whether it be over the phone or in person, always, always have two people present to corroborate the story.”
As the three filed out of his office, Johnny called
after them, “And watch your backs, y’all.”
Mama always said . . . It’s okay to let your mind go blank, but please turn off the sound.
Johnny and Hank did not call ahead; they simply showed up at Dee Dee’s office. They had waited until the end of the day so there wouldn’t be many people milling around. The administrative assistant was putting on her coat when they arrived.
“Chief, you and Martha Maye aren’t having marital woes, are you? Y’all are just about the last couple on earth I would imagine getting a divorce.”
“No, we’re doing just fine. And before you ask, no, we do not have an appointment. We need to see Ms. Petty on a private matter.”
Dee Dee appeared in her doorway. “You can go on home, Felicia. Chief, do you need to see me?”
“I do.”
“That’s funny. That phrase is usually what starts all the problems that end up in this office.”
Johnny’s mouth formed a tight smile as he and Hank followed her into her office.
“How are you, Chief?” Dee Dee sounded friendly enough.
“If I were doing any better, I’d have to be you.”
“Really.” She folded her arms and looked him up and down. “So you’re not here on personal business, and Hank isn’t married, so he can’t be here for that reason. What can I do for you?”
“Well, I’ll get right to it.” Johnny laid two files in front of her on her desk. He stood, his finger on one file as he said, “This here document is a fairly equitable settlement. Personally, I think you could have fought harder for your client, but I realize this is a negotiation process and the better lawyer comes out on top.” He shrugged. “I’d say you got out-lawyered.”
Johnny’s tactic was to rattle her from the get-go. She might be likely to say more than she intended if she were angry. After absorbing the withering look she threw at him, he moved his finger to the second file. “And this here is the settlement that Caledonia Culpepper ended up signing. I’m sure you don’t need to read them in order to recall that the two are totally different documents.”