True North

by Robin Huber

  Oh, wait, that was me.

  I laugh quietly to myself at my joke. I need to laugh today.

  Another female nurse walks by and her eyes land on Gabe when she passes us. I watch her to see how long she’ll stare at him. She doesn’t see the man standing in front of her until she bumps into him. She looks embarrassed when she apologizes to him.

  “Oh, um, nurse?” Gabe says to Rachael, handing the clipboard back to her. She looks disappointed that he didn’t notice her name. “I already have all of the legal paperwork completed.” He pulls a manila envelope out of the bag he brought for his stay.

  “Oh.” She takes it from him and thumbs through the documents, mumbling the titles of each one. I’m only half listening, but I hear her say medical power of attorney and my heart involuntarily sinks to my stomach. The only reason for a medical power of attorney is to allow someone else to make decisions about his condition if he can’t. If he were unconscious, or worse.

  I force the thought from my mind. I know the hospital requires the document, but knowing why it exists still pangs me. I don’t envy Jackie and Danny. I wouldn’t be able to make those decisions for someone I love, especially not Gabe.

  “Okay, you’re all set,” Rachael says. “Michael here will take you up to your room.” She gestures to a very tall, very thin man who has appeared with a wheelchair.

  Michael looks like he needs a hamburger and a hug.

  “Oh, no that’s not necessary. I can walk,” Gabe says politely.

  “It’s policy. You have to go in the wheelchair,” she says apologetically.

  Gabe huffs and closes his eyes, and I stifle a giggle. This guy won’t be able to push Gabe two feet in that wheelchair.

  Danny steps beside Gabe. “Mind if I take him up? I’m his father.” He gives Rachael a big sunny grin and pats Gabe firmly on the back. “He takes after his old man,” he says, referring to Gabe’s size.

  She glances between the two of them, her eyes lingering on Gabe a beat too long, and says, “Yes, I, um, see the resemblance.” She smiles. “I suppose that would be okay.”

  Gabe gives Danny an approving look, and sits down in the wheelchair.

  “Okay, follow me,” Michael says, and Danny steers Gabe toward the elevators.

  I walk beside him and give him a little wink.

  He rolls his eyes and shakes his head.

  “Stubborn as an ox,” Jackie whispers in my ear as we walk.

  I laugh quietly and nod.

  When we get to Gabe’s room, I’m surprised that it’s so big. There’s enough room for everyone to sit down comfortably. “Is this where Gabe will be after the surgery?” I ask a nurse who is checking a device beside the bed.

  “Not necessarily this room, but once we move him out of intensive care, yes, it will be a room similar to this.” She smiles at me, and I smile at Gabe.

  “It’s a nice room.”

  “It’s a hospital room. There’s nothing nice about it,” he says, reminding me how much time he spent in the hospital after the accident.

  I shrug. “At least there’s room for me. I can sleep on the sofa.” Opposed to last time when I slept in a chair pushed up next to his bed for weeks.

  He smiles and nods. “Good point. I guess that does make it a pretty good room.” He bends down and presses his lips to my forehead.

  “Okay, Gabe, you’ll need to change into this gown. Ties go in the back.”

  He takes the gown from the nurse and eyes it warily.

  “Dr. Franklin and Dr. Connelly are both already here, so we may be able to get an early start. I’ll be back to get your IV started in just a few minutes, okay?”

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  My heart takes another diving leap into my stomach. I’ve lost count of how many times that’s happened today. Each time it does, I remind myself that people have surgery every single day.

  He’s going to be fine.

  The nurse turns to Jackie and Danny and says, “Mom and Dad, want to wait outside?”

  Jackie answers, “Okay, we’ll be right outside in the hall.” She squeezes Gabe’s hand when she passes him on the way out. I know today can’t be easy for Jackie and Danny either. As much as we all want him to have this surgery, as much as we know that it’s going to change his life for the better, it’s distressing to know that he’s about to be put to sleep and have part of his skull removed. I push that thought aside too. No more negative thoughts, I tell myself, but I know it won’t be long before another one is creeping back into my head.

  It’s going to be a long day.

  I decide to hold all my thoughts and inevitable worry until I’m in the waiting room. Right now, I need to be in the moment with Gabe, until the last possible second when they wheel him away.

  The nurse looks at me and says, “Wife?”

  “No.” Gabe answers before I can respond. “She’s my—my girlfriend,” he says, hesitating over his answer. He looks frustrated. Which is now confirmed by the crease over the bridge of his nose.

  I smile up at him reassuringly, wondering what is suddenly bothering him.

  She nods her head approvingly. “Okay, go ahead and get changed. I’ll be back.”

  Gabe ignores her as she leaves the room. His eyes haven’t left mine since the word girlfriend stuttered out of his mouth.

  “You okay?” I ask him.

  “No, I’m not okay.”

  Oh, no. He changed his mind. He doesn’t want to go through with the surgery. Oh, God, I feel relieved.

  No, I feel disappointed.

  I feel relieved.

  I feel...conflicted. I want him to have the surgery, but I also want to take his hand and run as far away from this place as possible.

  No. He has to do this. He’s done everything to prepare for it. He’s the perfect candidate. It’s going to be a piece of cake. Okay, it’s going to suck. But it’s one sucky day that will give him back the rest of his life. All right, one sucky week, maybe a month. But he has to do this.

  “Gabe—”

  “Marry me, Liv.”

  “What?”

  “Right now.” His words come out in a desperate rush and my heart takes off in a wild sprint. He grabs my hands and holds them between us, pulling me close to him. His soft honey brown eyes consume me. “Marry me,” he says again, the urgency gone from his voice now, and tears fill my eyes. He is the only one I have ever wanted to hear utter those words.

  I wrap my fingers around his hand and sit down on the bed, pulling him down next to me. I hold his hand in my lap and look into his pleading eyes. “I love you, Gabriel, so much. And yes,” I say, smiling, “I will marry you.”

  His eyes fill with tears that match mine.

  “But not here, not like this.”

  “Liv, what if something goes wrong?” The desperation returns to his voice. “What if I can’t remember anything when I wake up? What if I don’t wake up?”

  An unexpected calm settles over me. “You are going to wake up...and you are going to remember...and we will get married.” I smile and hold my hand to his face, and gaze into his worried eyes. “Gabe, I’ve dreamt about our wedding since I was a little girl. I still do. I want to wear a beautiful white dress for you and say our vows under our oak tree behind the barn.”

  He lowers his chin and smiles softly. “Is that what you want? You want to get married under that old oak tree?”

  I smile wide and nod my head. “Yes. More than anything.”

  He holds my face in his hands and drops his forehead to mine. “Okay.” He laughs softly and presses his mouth to mine.

  When the nurse returns, we’re both laughing and sniffling. “Sorry to interrupt,” she says, politely. When she sees that Gabe is still fully dressed, she puts a fist on her hip and shakes her finger at him. “Didn’t I tell you to get changed, young man? And you’re the girlfriend,” she says to me, “you’re supposed to be able to get his clothes off.” She grins.

  Gabe leans in and whispers, “Fiancée,” just loud enough f
or me to hear, and I beam up at him. Hearing him call me his fiancée makes my heart quadruple in size.

  “I’ll get changed right now,” Gabe says to her.

  “Okay, I’ll give you a few more minutes.”

  “What was your name?” I ask, before she leaves the room.

  “Nina,” she says, rounding the corner.

  “Thank you, Nina. I’ll be sure to take his clothes off now.”

  “Very funny,” she calls back, closing the door behind her.

  “I like Nina.”

  “Ready to see me all gowned up?” Gabe asks, pulling his shirt off over his head. “It is one sexy getup.”

  “If the nurses catch wind of what’s under that gown, you’ll be the most popular patient in the hospital.”

  He throws his boxer-briefs at me.

  “Thank you. I’ll hang onto these for safe keeping.”

  “Tie me up?” he asks, turning around so that his back is to me.

  “Thought you’d never ask,” I tease, reaching for the loose ties.

  He shakes his head and laughs.

  Before I get to the lower tie, I pull the gown apart and peek at his bare bottom. I linger a second too long.

  “Are you done looking at my ass now?”

  I laugh and cover him up. “Yep.” I spin him around and wrap my arms around his waist. “That is one mighty fine ass.”

  He grins. “I think you’re actually turned on by this?”

  “So what if I am?”

  Nina walks back into the room.

  “Nina, where can I get a few of these gowns to take home?” Gabe smirks.

  I smack his stomach softly. “Cut it out,” I say with wide eyes, and he laughs.

  “You can keep that one. Now get your handsome butt in the bed so I can start your IV.”

  “What did I tell you? You’re the talk of the hospital.” I wink at him.

  He rolls his eyes and sits down on the bed, then scoots back against the pillows. My heart takes another little dip into the pool of angst that has filled my stomach this morning. I can’t help but recall the first time I saw Gabe lying in his hospital bed after the accident. He was almost unrecognizable.

  “All right, Gabe, I’m going to start your IV now,” Nina says, preparing the syringe. She carefully inserts the needle into his skin and although he doesn’t flinch, the crease appears over his nose, and I know it hurts.

  I rub his other arm, which is stretched out to hold my hand. “Je suis désolé, bébé.” I’m sorry, baby. I speak in French because I know that Gabe wouldn’t want Nina to hear me fussing over him.

  “Il ne fait pas de mal.” It doesn’t hurt.

  Nina glances up, then politely returns to her task.

  “Je souhaite que je pourrais avoir la chirurgie pour tu.” I wish I could have the surgery for you.

  “Je ne voudrais pas vous laisser.” I wouldn’t let you. “Mon cœur ne pouvait pas prendre ce.” My heart couldn’t take that.

  I widen my eyes at him. “Ce qui vous fait penser mine peut?” What makes you think mine can?

  He inhales a deep breath and squeezes my hand, but he doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t have to. His tortured eyes say it all. He lifts my hand to his mouth and softly kisses my knuckles.

  “All right, you’re all set,” Nina says, giving Gabe his arm back, and with that, our private conversation comes to an end.

  “Is it okay if we come back in now?” Jackie calls from the doorway.

  “Yes, you can come in,” Nina says. “I’m just going to go let Dr. Franklin know that Gabe is ready now.”

  My heart plummets to my feet. He’s ready? Now? But I’m not ready. I’m not ready! I’m just about to say this when Jackie and Danny walk back into the room, but I’m silenced by the look on Jackie’s face. She’s scared for Gabe.

  And now I’m terrified.

  She sits on the bed beside Gabe, wraps her arms around his neck, and speaks quietly to him in French. I stand up to give them privacy, but Gabe tightens his grip on my hand and pulls me close to him again.

  “I’ll see you after,” Gabe says to her.

  She kisses his cheek and reaches for Danny’s hand. Danny takes it, and then leans in and kisses Gabe firmly on the forehead. “I love you, son.” His voice is huskier than normal. “We’ll see you real soon.”

  “I love you too, Dad.”

  Danny wraps his arm around Jackie’s shoulders. “Liv, we’ll be in the waiting room.”

  “Mm-hmm.” It’s all I can muster. I’m afraid that if I speak, the dam will break.

  Danny guides Jackie out of the room and Gabe and I are alone again. There’s so much I want to say before they take him back, but there isn’t enough time to get it all out. Gabe pulls me down onto the bed beside him and wraps his arms around me.

  “I love you,” I whisper. Of all the thoughts flooding my head right now, that’s all I can say.

  He reaches for my face and kisses me softly. Then he takes my hand and asks, “Do you have a pen?”

  “A pen?” I barely get out.

  He nods.

  “Um, hold on.” I get up and look in my purse. I find one and return to the bed with it, along with a yellow sticky note.

  He crumples the small square of paper and tosses it aside.

  I look up at him confused, but he turns my hand over and opens my palm. And then he begins to write on it. I watch curiously as he drags the pen across my skin, the moment consuming me as I read what he’s writing.

  I will love you

  the same tomorrow

  as I do today.

  He holds my hand and blows softly on my skin to dry the ink as I read the words that he wrote to me on my eighteenth birthday. “Gabriel.”

  “Hello, Gabe! How are we doing this morning?” Dr. Franklin asks enthusiastically as he enters the room.

  I stand up beside the bed and try to pull myself together, but a stray tear runs down my cheek. I’m careful not to wipe it with the hand that Gabe wrote on.

  Dr. Franklin must notice, because his demeanor quickly softens. “Liv, Gabe is in great hands today.”

  “I know,” I say, forcing a small smile.

  “It’s time to take you back,” he says to Gabe, and several new nurses file into the room.

  Why are there so many? Did Nina spread the word about the hot neuro patient in room 408?

  Gabe reaches for my hand once more, ignoring the nurses who are checking his IV and preparing his bed to be mobilized.

  “Excuse me,” one of them says to me.

  I move out of the way, breaking contact with Gabe, but his eyes stay on mine, so I ignore the next nurse who bumps into me. “It’s time,” one of them says.

  I kiss Gabe’s forehead and force myself to step away from the bed, but he holds my hand and pulls me with him as they wheel him out of the room.

  I follow beside his bed until one of the nurses tells me I can’t go any further, and I force my feet to stop moving. I feel Gabe’s fingers slip out of mine as they move him away from me and my heart aches to the point of physical pain as I watch him go.

  “Liv,” he calls, and I run to his bedside again, ignoring the nurses who are telling me—more firmly now—that I can’t go any further. He pulls my face to his and kisses me, and I feel the bed stop moving for a moment. He holds my face above his and smiles a big beautiful smile that makes me forget everything else, and for the first time today, I feel like everything is going to be okay. I squeeze his hand, but his fingers slip from mine too soon as they continue pushing him down the hallway.

  “Walk with me,” Nina says, showing up just in the nick of time, because when I watch them take Gabe through the double doors at the end of the hallway the panic sets back in.

  The rational part of my brain tells me that everything will be fine, that he will be fine, that I will be fine. But the irrational part of my brain tells me I might never see my Gabe again. The rational part of my brain also tells me that this is how everyone feels when their loved one
is undergoing major surgery, especially major brain surgery, and that I’m not a crazy person for feeling this way.

  As Nina guides me down the hallway toward the waiting room, she takes one of my hands and holds it between both of hers. “I haven’t seen that kind of love in a long time,” she says, catching me by surprise, and forcing the dam to break wide open. My feet stop moving and I drop my head and cry—quite literally—on her shoulder as she pulls me in for a hug.

  “They’ll take care of him, right? He’ll be okay?” I ask, looking at her for affirmation.

  “He’s going to be fine, darlin’.” She pats the back of my hand and starts to walk again. “I know you don’t remember, but I was one of the nurses who took care of you after the accident.”

  She was?

  “When Dr. Franklin told me who you were today, I remembered you immediately.” She squeezes my hand. “I took care of both of you.”

  My heart swells knowing that she was there for us after the accident, and I feel and instant connection to her.

  “It was a bad time, I know, but seeing the two of you today...” She smiles softly. “Well, it makes all the bad days seem a little more worth it. Makes me grateful for what I get to do.” She smiles again. “I get to see miracles happen. And what you and Gabe have isn’t anything short of a miracle. Gabe is lucky to be alive. But I’m guessing you already know that. The doctors and nurses taking care of him today know it too. So don’t think for a single second that we won’t do absolutely everything possible to make sure he pulls through this surgery with flying colors.”

  I smile and wipe my tears. “Thank you, Nina.”

  “Je t’en prie,” she says, giving me a wink.

  “What?” Nina just said you’re welcome in French.

  She gives me a shy smile and admits, “I spent a few summers in France with my favorite aunt when I was a girl.”

  “Serves us right. We shouldn’t assume we’re the only two people in a room who speak French.”