Wedded in Scandal bf-1

by Jade Lee

  “But—”

  “Brush! Step!”

  Rather than follow orders, Helaine put down the brush and turned to look her mother in the eye. “I have not done anything of which to be ashamed, Mother. There is no path, as you put it. Merely a…” How to put it? “A friendship. Nothing more.”

  Her mother dropped into a crouch so that Helaine could step into the gown. When Helaine didn’t move, she looked up with a sigh. “It doesn’t matter what has and has not happened. Everyone believes it of you.”

  “But—”

  “And I do not blame you for it.”

  That froze Helaine in her tracks. A week ago, she’d feared her mother would be sobbing her eyes out at Helaine’s fall from grace. But now the woman was pushing her into a liaison with Robert? It made no sense. And yet, as she looked into her mother’s eyes, she saw an acceptance she’d never seen before. Could it be that her mother was finally ready to face the world again? Not as the ghost of the countess she once was, but as a whole woman? Someone who accepted life as it was and not how it used to be?

  Impossible. It was too far a step for the woman to take. And yet, apparently, sometime during Helaine’s nap, the world had changed. It was but a moment more before she realized what had happened. Or more accurately who had happened.

  “What did he say to you?”

  “Ssst! Nothing! Now step into the dress.”

  She did, if only to get her mother to stand. And then she was tucked and pushed and tied into place with such vehemence that Helaine knew she had guessed the truth. So when the gown was settled, she took both her mother’s hands and forced the woman to look her in the eye.

  “What did he say to you?”

  “Ssst—”

  “Do not hiss at me! I deserve an answer, Mama. What did he say?”

  The woman grimaced but finally answered. “Just that…just that he admired your strength.”

  “What?”

  “We were talking about you because that’s what mothers do when they meet an eligible man of their daughter’s age.”

  “Mama, you cannot think he intends marriage—”

  “I know! I don’t! But listen to me. He started talking to me about you, about how strong you are. That he admires everything you have done with the shop, and that I must be so proud. And I am, Helaine. I really am. You have saved us when I hadn’t the strength to rise from my bed.”

  Helaine felt her face flush as she looked away. She hadn’t even realized how much she’d longed to hear those words until they were spoken aloud. Her mother was proud of her. “Thank you, Mama. But what has that to do with all this?” She gestured to the lush gown and her hair, which was flying willy-nilly about her face.

  “Oh, sit down. Let me do something with your hair.” Helaine obeyed, and while her mother began to stroke it to a glossy sheen, she began to speak. “He cares for you,” she said. “I can see it in his eyes. It’s not Spanish coin to a girl’s mother.”

  Helaine sighed. “Mama, you cannot believe what a charming man says. I would think you would have learned that lesson by now.” From my father. She didn’t need to say the words to make them heard. Both women knew how sweet Helaine’s father could be when it suited him.

  “Lord Redhill is not a drunkard,” her mother snapped. “He is solid, stable, and good ton.”

  Helaine couldn’t disagree with that, so she held her tongue. And then her mother caught her eyes, holding her gaze steady in the mirror. “He promised to make you happy, Helaine. He said he would do all in his power to make sure of it. And I believed him. He is not a man to make promises lightly.”

  “But he does not mean marriage, Mama. You know that.”

  The woman sighed, her shoulders slumping with the movement. “Of course I know that. But joy is something precious. You should embrace it while you can.”

  “Even if it means compromising…everything?” She didn’t have to state it out loud. She didn’t have to say, Even if it meant losing her virginity to a man who would not marry her.

  Her mother’s expression turned wistful. “I first met your father at a garden party. He made me laugh and later sent me posies. Then he followed me around from ball to theater, even to a musical evening, though he hated those things. He was charming and I never laughed so much as in that first year. Our wedding was wonderful and the night afterward out of a fairy tale. He was a terrible lover, I believe, as these things go, but he made it so much fun. We were two children stumbling about and I was so happy. Until he began drinking to excess, I was over-the-moon happy.”

  Helaine searched her mother’s face. The words had come out in a rush, but they were no less heartfelt. Her mother was speaking the truth, and that thought stunned Helaine. “Mama, you have always said he was a wastrel and a fool.”

  Her mother shrugged. “Well, he is that, too. But in the beginning, it was different. We had such fun. I think that is why I now hate him, because it was so different those first few years.” Her mother’s eyes were distant, her thoughts far away. But a moment later, she returned to pinning up the sides of Helaine’s hair while the rest fell in loose waves behind her. “You have already lost so much. I want you to feel some of the joy, too. As much as you can, if you can.”

  Helaine’s thoughts were in turmoil, and her heart beat triple time. Was her mother truly giving her permission to lie with a man not her husband? “I cannot do something so easily, Mama. Not just for joy.”

  “Darling,” her mother said as she patted the last curl in place, “there is nothing just about joy. Not true joy that comes from the heart.”

  Helaine shook her head. “Even so, Mama.”

  Her mother looked at her a long time and then finally nodded. “That is why you are smarter than I. And yet, even after everything, I wonder if I would make a different choice with your father. Those first years were the very best. A life without such wonderful times would be very dull indeed.”

  “But he left us, Mama. With nothing. No food, no protection, not even our reputations. He destroyed us and then he disappeared.”

  “I know. But, darling, because of you, we have food. We are safe. And as for our reputations, they are long gone. Royal courtesans have not so terrible a lot. They have the joy and are not trapped once it is gone.”

  Helaine rocked back on her heels. She had never thought of herself as a courtesan, royal or otherwise. The idea simply did not fit with her image of herself. Meanwhile, her mother was pinching her cheeks for color, then stopping to give one last piece of advice.

  “If you have a chance to find joy, if only for a while, you should take it. We are safe. The shop is doing marvelously. So if he makes you happy, then take it. Take him.”

  Helaine closed her eyes, trying to sort out this bizarre world where her mother spoke sense. What she hit instead was a wall of fear. “We are not so safe as you might think. Everything could topple tomorrow.”

  “All the more reason to be happy now if you can.” Then she pulled Helaine to her feet, inspected her from head to toe, and pronounced her acceptable before practically pushing her down the stairs. A moment later, Helaine was once again alone with Robert. And from the way his gaze heated her blood, she knew she was very close to the edge of a very large cliff. But which way should she move?

  Chapter 17

  Robert felt his mouth go dry. She was dressed in midnight blue, her bodice plumped, her skirt flowing, and her hair in a beautiful tumble down her back. Normally he might have compared her to a queen from her boudoir, Venus at night, or any other extraordinarily beautiful woman. But he had no words at that moment. Only the full, incredible vision of her.

  “Robert?”

  “You look spectacular,” he finally managed.

  “Oh. It was my mother’s. You’ve already seen my best dress. Sorry it took me so long to come down.”

  He didn’t care whose dress it was, he was looking at her as if he’d never really seen her before. Ridiculous, he knew, but something about her was different. “What ha
ppened?”

  She started. “What?”

  “You’re different somehow. Less determined. Softer. More womanly.”

  She arched a brow and a teasing glint entered her eyes. “Are you saying I wasn’t a woman before?”

  He let his lips curve in a smile because she was teasing him. She knew exactly what he was talking about, but trying to dodge the issue. “I’m saying that you were handsome before, but now you’re stunning. I like your hair down.”

  She touched it almost nervously. “I didn’t have time to style it.”

  “Then I hope you are rushed every time I see you.” Then his expression slipped as he studied her face. “What has happened, Helaine?”

  “Nothing. I have just had a busy day and a confusing conversation with my mother. And now…” She gestured toward him. “What is so urgent, my lord, that you had to come to my home rather than wait until tomorrow?”

  “I didn’t think you’d really see me tomorrow.”

  She lifted her chin. “I am not so inconsistent. I told you I would speak with you tomorrow and I would have.”

  He nodded. “I know. But something else might have happened. Perhaps Gwen would have an emergency need for a new ribbon. Or one of her new relations would absolutely insist on your attention until you fainted from the tedium of it all—”

  “They are not tedious. And you should speak better of your new relations.”

  He barely resisted rolling his eyes at that. “They are women intent on fashion and the coming Season.”

  “As am I.”

  “But you are so much more.” He took a breath, unexpectedly nervous. So to cover, he stepped forward and took her hands. He wasn’t sure if she would allow it, but she was strangely accepting as she lifted her eyes to his. “Helaine, I have something I wish to show you. Something about myself that would ruin me almost as deeply as you would be if your identity were revealed.”

  She started at his words. He felt the jolt through their joined hands. “Surely you exaggerate.”

  He lifted a shoulder. “I would still have money, still become an earl in due course, but my reputation would always be tarnished, my motives suspect. I would be considered rather depraved by many and become a target of reformers and conservatives alike. Any political aspirations after that would become extremely difficult.”

  She lifted her chin. “I do not believe you.”

  He couldn’t help smiling. That was exactly the response he wanted. “Then let me show you the truth of it.”

  She hesitated, and then she slowly withdrew her hands from his. “But why? Why would you wish to expose yourself thus to me?”

  He wasn’t prepared to answer that, wasn’t ready to examine his motives so closely. So he opted for a portion of the truth. “I want you to think well of me.”

  She arched her brow. “This thing that would have you scorned by liberals and conservatives alike? This will have me think well of you?”

  “I hope so. Helaine, I cannot adequately explain it. I wish to show you.”

  “I—” She cut off her words, turning away in confusion. “The world has gone upside down.”

  He crossed to her and gently set his hands on her shoulders. Her back was to him and he felt her tighten. But not for long. In time she exhaled and her shoulders eased down. He longed to pull her into his arms, to hold her while they both sorted out their thoughts, but he didn’t dare. Instead he waited and prayed she would choose to trust him.

  She did, but he had to wait an eternity for it. In the end, she stepped away from his hands and said, “I will get a wrap.” She meant to step away from him, but he touched her arm lightly to stop her. She paused, looking at him in inquiry.

  “What decided you in my favor?”

  “There was no real decision, my lord. I am too weak around you. No matter that my common sense says being around you is too dangerous, I cannot force myself to listen. I enjoy your company, and…and I suppose that is reason enough for me to ignore everything else.”

  He smiled. He couldn’t help himself. He liked that she would ignore all else to trust him. “Then let us say you are just weak enough. After all, a woman of too much strength is frightening to us poor men.”

  Her lips curved in response, and he saw a delightful twinkle enter her eyes. “And then there is the other reason.”

  “Yes?” he prompted when she didn’t continue.

  “I very much want to know what could hurt you, my lord. I shall not use it, but I should like to know this thing.”

  He tilted his head, wondering at her logic. “But if you won’t use it, then what good will it be to you?”

  “You will know that I know, and that I could go back on my word at any moment. I find I like the idea of you being afraid of me. Not a lot. Just enough so you understand how I feel every day.”

  His smile slid away. “Do you truly feel that afraid? Every day?”

  She nodded. She didn’t even say the word, but he could read it in her face. She was afraid constantly. That was expected, he supposed, with her world teetering on the financial edge as it did.

  “I could relieve that fear, you know. As my mistress, you would have ample money to support yourself and your friends.” He said the words, but they tasted bad in his mouth. And in his heart, he flinched. He did not like thinking of her as his mistress. And yet, the idea of lying with her was a constant desire. Even now he was hard with lust, though he took pains to hide it.

  And while he was struggling with his conflicting emotions, she simply shrugged. “Fear is not so bad. It keeps my thinking clear.” Then she flashed a rueful smile at him. “Most of the time, at least.”

  Then she disappeared upstairs, presumably to get her wrap. He heard her kiss her mother good night, then her light tread as she came down the stairs. As she alighted from the last step, he held out his hand to her. She didn’t even hesitate. In fact, there was a smile on her lips as he escorted her to the waiting hansom cab.

  She faltered just a moment when she saw the conveyance. “You didn’t bring your carriage?”

  “Not for where we are going. My servants talk enough as it is.”

  She seemed to understand that, and so allowed him to hand her into the cab. He gave the driver instructions and then joined her inside. And because it was cold, he settled beside her on the seat and tucked her close. Finally, amazingly, she was in his arms again.

  Helaine closed her eyes and allowed the world to spin, spin, spin out of control. How many unbelievable things had happened since she had woken up not more than an hour ago? First her mother had all but said, Go and become Lord Redhill’s mistress. Second, Robert had a secret that he was going to share with her. And most incredible of all: her mother didn’t hate her father. It seemed like such a silly little thing, and yet, that was what kept whirling about her brain. She didn’t hate him.

  “What has you looking so lost?” Robert asked.

  She bit her lip and guiltily lifted out of his arms. He resisted at first, but she persisted. Friends didn’t press themselves so tightly together. “I’m sorry. I did not mean to sour the mood.”

  His hand flowed over the top of hers, and she felt his warmth seep into her even through their gloves. “I want to know what you are thinking, not change the atmosphere, Helaine. Surely you know that by now.”

  “Yes, of course. But…” She didn’t know how to begin. “It will sound stupid.”

  “Then by all means, I must hear it now!”

  She chuckled because he meant her to. And then, because it was so easy to talk with him, she found herself answering without measuring her words. She just spoke, and it felt good to work it out with another person. With him.

  “My mother told me something shocking before I went down to see you. I daresay it doesn’t seem very shocking, but you must understand. I spent my childhood listening to her revile my father.”

  “What did she say?”

  “That even now, she would not change a thing. She would still marry him.”
r />   She felt him stiffen, pulling back with surprise. “Truly? She would still…After what he did?”

  Helaine nodded, relieved that she could finally speak openly with someone about her father. “His theft was the least of it, you know. He was a drunkard, pure and simple.”

  He squeezed her hand, and she realized belatedly that somehow she had reversed her position. They were now holding hands palm to palm, and she could not bring herself to let him go. Meanwhile, he shifted slightly in his seat. “Don’t feel as if you need to explain if it’s too painful, but I wondered exactly—”

  “You wish to know the details of what my father did?”

  Robert nodded. “I only know that he stole from the military supplies.”

  She laughed, the sound bitter to her own ears. “That at least I could understand. If he stole supplies to sell to pay our rent or something like that. But no. He had a good friend. A drinking friend, of course, who was in charge of certain military shipments to Spain.” Then she paused to look into his eyes. “Do you know what he stole, my lord? What my father, the Earl of Chelmorton, took from our boys fighting so far away?”

  He shook his head.

  “Expensive brandy. Wealthy families would ship excellent spirits across the ocean to their officer sons. Half the bottles never made it. Sailors, dockworkers, and the doctors were always nabbing one bottle or another. The doctors at least were taking it for anesthetic. The others…” She shrugged.

  “Yes, I understand there is a great deal of theft in military supplies.”

  “Yes, well, my father is just one of a long list of thieves in that supply chain. Except he did not steal a single bottle here or there. He stole an entire case. And not just any case, but one meant for the Earl of Bedford’s son.”

  Robert released a low whistle. “Bedford is not a man who tolerates theft lightly. And certainly not anything meant for his son.”

  “Yes, so we came to realize.”

  “But how did Bedford find out? Especially if the case had already entered military shipping?”