Finding My Way

by Heidi McLaughlin

  My dad got wind of Mason backing out of his scholarship and did everything he could to get me into one of the five I had shortlisted, but he couldn’t. I was actually thankful for his attempt and it was nice to see him step up, but in the end it was all for nothing. He’s disappointed in me and so am I. I’m off to a college that I don’t really want to be at and it’s my own fault for putting others in front of me. Sterling’s incredibly selfish and says I need to learn to be this way too.

  The sun is rising over the valley now. We’ve been out here for an hour or so. I’m not supposed to leave until tomorrow, but there’s a party tonight at the tower and I can’t bring myself to be there. I thought it best, under the circumstances that I leave early. I can take my time and maybe figure out my life while I’m driving solo on the highway.

  I bury my nose in Josie’s hair, determined not to forget what she smells like. I don’t care if I’m going to be gone for a day, a week or a month. I need to make sure every sense that I have has her memorized. I’m kicking myself for leaving her behind but she hasn’t asked if she can come, which tells me that she wants to stay and go to school with Katelyn. That’s what girls do, they go to school with their girlfriends and join sororities and do girly shit. She wouldn’t have fun in Texas. She wouldn’t know anyone and she’d spend most of her time waiting for me to be done with football. That’s no way to start your college education. I need her to be happy. If she’s happy, I’m happy… even though I’m not.

  “I’m going to miss this,” I say into her hair. My throat is tight. It’s painful to speak. I’m fighting back the tears that are threatening my manly existence. She’s never seen me cry, even while we were camping. I held it in. I couldn’t do it even though I wanted to unleash a fury on everything around me. Instead, I let her hold me. Console me. I berated her when she apologized. This wasn’t her fault. It was mine and mine alone. I tried to do what I felt was right.

  “I wish things were different, Jojo.”

  She clutches my shirt in her hands as she pulls me closer. “How so?”

  “I wish you were going with me or we had chosen a school together.”

  “Me too,” she whispers, breaking another piece of my already crumbling heart. Everything could’ve been so different and it should’ve been.

  I have to squint when the sun comes up. It’s going to be a hot day in Beaumont and that means I’ll miss my girl in her bikini lounging by Katelyn’s pool. We didn’t do nearly half the stuff I wanted to and now that I think about it, it all seems so trivial and mundane. I should’ve taken us on a trip across country, just the open road and us. We had nothing holding us back in Beaumont, at least nothing that couldn’t wait.

  Instead we’re sitting in my truck with the sun telling me it’s time to go and say goodbye. In a few days, I’ll be busting my balls in the hot Texas sun, trying to impress a coach who hasn’t spoken to me since I said I was going there. Maybe it’s a sign. If it is, I don’t have a fucking clue what it means.

  The next song on my mixed tape starts to play. I try not to let on my excitement, but it’s there, sitting on the edge ready to burst out. Josie shifts in my arms and I know this is it. She’s going to tell me that she loves this song. I can feel it.

  “Who’s singing?”

  I wrap my arm around her a little tighter and nuzzle her ear. “Me.” I listen to the words that I wrote her play out over the speakers.

  Can’t take my eyes off of you

  I’m a man that’s speakin’ the truth

  This love could make mountains move

  Hope you feel the same way I do

  I wanna be holdin’ you

  When the dawn is breakin’ through

  As yesterday fades with the moon

  And forever fills up this room

  I wanna wake up with you

  I wait for her to say something, to acknowledge what I’m doing on the stereo, but she doesn’t. She holds me the same way as she did before the song came on. I can’t win for trying here and I don’t know how to get through to her. Right now, there’s no point in prolonging the inevitable.

  “How did you get your song on there?”

  I lean back into the seat and pull her a little closer. This is the first time she’s asked and maybe I can find a way to express myself a little better now. “It’s a crappy recording, but the player did an okay job.”

  Josie leans into me and I use this moment to remember the scent of her hair.

  “You’re going to move mountains at Texas, Liam. You’ll break all their records and win the Heisman.” Her fingers rub up and down along my t-shirt, giving me the chills.

  “There’s more to life than football, Jojo.”

  She chuckles. “Sure there is.”

  There could be, I want to add, but she’s right. My path is football and she’ll follow me no matter what. It’s what we agreed to do a year ago when we laid out under the stars in the bed of my truck. The American Dream and I’m at the helm.

  I have to drive her back home and hit the road. I lean forward and start my truck, letting the engine roar to life. Every step is now methodical and slow. Shifting out of park I wait for her to move off my lap. It’s all happening and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

  I hold her to me on our way back to her house. Her parents will just be waking. Their coffee pot will start and her dad will come outside to get the paper. Tomorrow at this time, she’ll be sleeping in her bed and I’ll be in some dorm room staring at a white ceiling wondering how the fuck I got there. I pull up in front of her house and put my truck in park. I don’t shut it off. I can’t stall any longer.

  “I love you Josie Preston. You own my heart. You stole a little piece of it the moment I saw you and you’ve taken the rest every day since,” I tell her. Before she can respond I disengage and step out, afraid to look at her. The tears will do me in. Destroy me like a dagger to my heart. I need her to be strong, but that’s a lot to ask of her. Our lives will be changing in a matter of minutes and all I can think about is that it could’ve been preventable.

  Josie follows me out and right into my arms. I hold her, pressing her against my idling truck. My hands roam, cupping her ass. “God I’m going to miss you,” I say as my lips crash down on hers. She whimpers into my mouth as she cups my face with her hands. Her tears stain my cheeks. We part and I press my lips to her forehead. I swallow hard and clear my throat. “I gotta go, babe.”

  She nods, but doesn’t let go. I bring my hands over the top of hers and kiss her one more time. “I love you, Jojo. You’re forever my girl.”

  I pull her hands away from my face and jump into my truck without looking at her. I pull away, knowing she’s standing in the road watching me drive away. Everything in my heart is telling me to go back, but I don’t. I can’t.

  Two weeks.

  It’s been two weeks since I left Josie and Beaumont.

  Fourteen days since I set foot in the hot Texas sun in the middle of summer. This is not how football should be played, but I’m here, trying to learn. My dad has called a few times, but I don’t return his calls. He wants to know how things are going and honestly, I’m too afraid to tell him. I’m not seeing any field time and the coach has barely said two words to me. I suit up with my pads on, ready to take the field, but nothing. No snaps for Westbury. I know I need to talk to him, but I’m at a loss as what to say. This should’ve been a sign. Actually, it was and I ignored it. When the coach didn’t make contact with me after signing day, I should’ve known. He doesn’t want me here.

  It’s not even football that I care about right now. It’s the student pub on campus that I’ve started frequenting. They have open mic in the evening and I’ve been there every night. The first couple of days, it was just me and the kid behind the pretend bar, but as students started filtering back to school the crowd has grown. I’m not being heckled or having rotten fruit thrown at me so I take that as a plus.

  Practice today sucked. That is the only way to sum it up. All
I do is stand on the sidelines, in the same pose for the entire practice – me with my helmet on and my hands cinched tightly the collar of my jersey – waiting for my name to be called.

  It’s being called now. One of the students calls my name and I walk up on the small stage and sit on a stool with my guitar resting on my knee. It’s hard to think back to when I was packing to leave that I almost threw it out, but thought better of it. If anything, I thought, I’d be able to play it in my room at night. It’s not like I have a roommate that would be put off with my playing. Being up on the stage, in front of my peers, pouring my heart out gives me a different kind of satisfaction. It’s knowing that I’m entertaining them, affording them the opportunity to put their worries aside for a brief moment and just relax. At least that’s how I feel about music while I’m playing. Strumming my guitar and creating a melody, even if the words aren’t mine, makes me feel like I’m accomplishing something great. Hearing them clap for me, before I even start playing, makes me feel like this is my path.

  But how do I change my path, one that has been set out for me for as long as I can remember? I can’t. I’m here on scholarship to play football, not play guitar and cover other peoples’ songs. At best, this is a hobby.

  Tonight, after performing, I’m relieved. The stress from the day is gone at least for the time being. I like walking across campus with my guitar on my back and hearing people ask me when I’m going to play again. No one knows me as a member of the Longhorn football team, they know me as the guy who gets on stage and sings for them and I think I like that.

  Each step I climb that takes me to the third floor where my dorm room is, brings me closer to feeling the same anxiety I feel when I’m on the football field. I’m supposed to have a roommate, but he backed out, telling me that he was staying behind and attending college with his girlfriend. It’s when I get back to my empty dorm room and I’m lying on my bed that my mind starts working in overdrive. What’s Josie doing? Was I a bad friend to Mason? Is that why he’s not here? So many questions and not enough answers run through my mind.

  The one thing I do know is that I’m desperate for acceptance and the only time I’m getting that is while I’m playing my guitar. On the field, I’m a nobody and I’m not prepared to be that person. As much as I hated the image of being Beaumont’s golden boy, this is far worse. This is painful and unwarranted. Thing is, I don’t know how to fix it or even if I want to. Maybe I can be content sitting on the sidelines for the next four years.

  As I play those words over and over again in my head. I know that’s not the case. I’m here to play football and if the coach is not going to let me play, I need to transfer. I’ll have to sit out a year, but I can’t sit by and watch as a coach alters the plan. Josie’s counting on me.

  Chapter 23

  “Hey baby,” I say as soon as she answers the phone. I know I’ve awakened her, but I can’t sleep. It’s three a.m. and my anxiety is building. “I’m sorry I woke you.”

  “It’s okay,” she slurs into the phone. I know she’s not that coherent, so maybe if I just talk she can listen. “What’s going on?”

  “Nothing… I just,” I can’t spit the words out of my mouth. They’re there, sitting on the edge of my tongue, but are too thick to leave my mouth. “I can’t –”

  “Are you okay?”

  “No,” I say weakly. “I need to come see you.”

  “What about, football practice?”

  I close my eyes and wish she hadn’t brought it up. I’m not living her dream right now. I’m treated like the child that was produced from a torrid affair. At best, I’m third string and standing in front of me is a walk on who hasn’t won a high school game. I’m being punished and for what, I don’t know.

  “Josie, I need to see you. It’s been six weeks and I can’t… you don’t… I need you Jojo. I’m leaving now.” I hang up before she has a chance to respond. It’s selfish I know, but I need her. I need the comfort that she can provide and I need to talk to her about school. I have to know what our future will be like if I leave Texas, because honestly I don’t know if I’m going to make it a full semester at this rate.

  I drive all day and night, exceeding the speed limit until I hit the Beaumont town line. Josie leaves for school in a few days and the fact that she’s going to school with our friends makes me envious. I need that connection and I don’t have it. I don’t have one friend on the football team where I have to spend a majority of my time. I have no friends in class because I haven’t made an effort and at best I have a few people who I could call my friends from the student pub if I was to ever hang out with them. But I don’t. I spend any free time locked up tight in my room contemplating my life. This is not what I wanted. My life is not going according to plan.

  Josie’s house is dark when I arrive. I don’t know if she’s waiting up for me or not. I haven’t spoken to her since I left my dorm room, only stopping for gas and coffee to keep me awake. I park and barely have the truck shut off before I’m out the door and jogging to the back side of the house where her window is. I rest my head on the cool glass and pray that she’s left her window open for me.

  My hands push gently on the window sill and relief washes over me when it slides up. I heave myself in, mindful of the noise I make. I don’t want to wake her parents. I don’t want to have to explain myself or my appearance. I close it behind me, all the while never taking my eyes off my girl. I stand in the middle of her room, like a midnight stalker, and watch her sleep. She shows no sign of having any demons in her life and why should she? I’m supposed to be taking care of everything for her. I could stand here and stare, but the urge to touch her, hold her, is too great and overpowering. I quickly shed my shoes and clothes and crawl into bed with her. I don’t know what her reaction to me is going to be, but I’m excited and nervous to find out.

  “Josie,” I whisper against her skin, skin that I’ve missed desperately. I rub my stubble along her face. She twitches and that tells me she’s been awake this whole time. “Are you pretending to be asleep, my girl?”

  She giggles, turns and wraps her arms around me. Her lips find mine, her tongue making its presence known. This is what happiness is. She’s what makes me happy, content. Her fingers trail down my face and into my scruff. I haven’t shaved in weeks and I didn’t know how she’d like it. It’s a Longhorn thing – we don’t shave until we win – but at this rate with the QB we have, I’ll be a Sasquatch by the end of the season.

  She pulls away against my wishes. I don’t want to stop. “What’s all this?” she asks as her fingers move in and out of my beard.

  “Some tradition,” I say, as I pepper her with kisses. “I’ll shave as soon as we win.”

  “Well you won’t win if you’re not QB1.”

  I bring my lips down to silence her. I don’t want to talk football. I don’t want to talk about anything but her and me and how much we’ve missed each other. I move and settle between her legs, my mouth leaving a path of delight as I move down her body. I lift her tank top, exposing her darkened skin. The image of her poolside flashes before my mind only to remind me of something else football has taken from me. I kiss her exposed skin, every inch until I pull her up to remove her shirt. Her hands roam my body until I gently push her back down so I can continue my ravaging of her body. I sit back and look at the beauty in front of me. As much as I want to stare at her, my need for her is far greater. I bend forward and latch onto her breast. Her back arches, encouraging me, her other breast is being cupped and fondled by my hand. My body shakes with anticipation.

  Josie shimmies closer to me, bringing her hips up to meet mine. She grinds against me, creating the much needed friction. The absence we’ve had is evident in her movements. She wants me just as much as I want her. She grabs at my briefs, pulling them down just enough to take hold of my erection. I close my eyes and hiss at the contact of her hand.

  “Liam,” her voice is full of lust, full of need.

  “Yeah, Jojo?”
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  She doesn’t answer. She pushes her panties down, her legs working to remove them. Her hands grip the sides of my briefs, yanking them down until I’m free. Her movements are rushed. The longing is there as her hands land on my backside, pulling me forward. The moment I enter her, time all but stops. Everything slows down, our breathing, our actions. I look at her, as I move in and out of her slowly. Nothing excites me more than to see her mouth open in ecstasy. I kiss her deeply to muffle her oncoming cries. I wish, in this moment, we were back in my dorm room where she could be herself and cry out in euphoria instead of having to try and stay quiet.

  Josie’s hands roam from my back to my chest and down my arms. Her hands cup my face, her fingers thread into my hair, anything to keep me going. I know her body well, I know she’s close. As much as I’d love to go faster, to be able to watch her come undone, I don’t want to wake her parents. I grip her headboard with my hands when she tightens around me. She bites my chest to stifle her cry causing me to groan heavily into her pillow. I’m close and won’t last much longer.

  “Liam, condom,” she says because she knows I’m there.

  “I’ll pull-out,” I reassure her as I take hold of her hips and thrust into her.

  “I love you,” she whispers against my mouth. “I miss you so much. I need you, baby,” she says over and over against me effectively breaking my heart.

  I try to slow down to make this last but she has other ideas. Her legs lock behind my back, giving me a different angle and that’s when I lose it completely and spill into her.

  “Shit, Liam,” she whisper screams, throwing me off of her. I slam my face into her pillow, but pull her into my arms. I fucked up, I know this.

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I repeat over and over again in her ear.