by K. J. Colt
I sighed. ‘I didn’t. I mean, I didn’t try to kill him. He moved at the last moment. Not that anyone will believe me.’
‘I will.’ Jeykal appeared beside me and helped Gevilka carry me home.
My legs wobbled with each step. I’d never felt so helpless. Inside my hut, the corners and sides blended into one another.
‘Is my mistress well?’ Corilksa asked.
‘Be away with you,’ Gevilka said.
Footsteps left the hut, and Gevilka shook her head at me. ‘Too much dragonclaw in too little time.’
She treated the cut on my shoulder. My skin was numb except for the sensations of cold and hot, and everything seemed slow, as if I were underwater, until she began to stitch the skin of my armpit. I clenched my jaw. Each stitch reminded me of the time a prickle rat had embedded its spines in me.
Gevilka grabbed my face and turned it toward her. ‘Pay attention, dream girl. If you get a cut in the corner of your mouth, and you speak, the cut will reopen. Won’t it?’
I nodded slowly.
Gevilka smiled. ‘It’s the same with your arm. You must keep it still.’
‘She refused dragonclaw before until I made her take some,’ Jeykal said.
The medicine woman gave me a disapproving look. ‘Self-pity will not serve you well as our ruler. For that is what you will be now.’
Then I realised I was upset that Skelkra had lived. Not because I had wanted him to die, but because I was to become chieftain. I didn’t want to lead. ‘I don’t want it. I wish Skelkra had died so Jeykal could lead.’
She laughed and regarded my friend. ‘Jeykal, you are a good boy, but a leader you are not. You are no master.’ She turned to me again. ‘Klawdia, take up the challenge. It’s meant to be you.’
She opened a container, and a warm, putrid smell wafted out. My nausea returned. My mouth filled with saliva, and my stomach swirled.
I put a hand to my mouth and leaned away. ‘Close that.’
Gevilka frowned. ‘Why?’
‘It stinks. Take it away.’
‘I can’t smell anything,’ Jeykal said.
‘Smells like rotten meat. Take it outside!’
Jeykal and Gevilka looked at each other and then back to me. Gevilka passed Jeykal the container, and he took it away. I closed my eyes, trying to make the feeling of motion go away.
‘Did Skelkra hit your head?’ she asked me.
I thought back to the fight. ‘I don’t think so.’
She grabbed one of my breasts.
‘Ouch,’ I said, pushing her hands away.
She yanked up my shirt and inspected my nipples.
Of course, Jeykal came back in at that awkward moment. ‘Oh, er…’ He made a choking noise and left again.
‘Come back here, boy. I’m done.’ Gevilka pulled down my shirt. ‘A child grows inside of you.’
Suddenly, the fog in my head cleared, and my thoughts raced. It’s Skelkra’s. The bleeding. The bleeding was from our bonding. The nausea is from the conception.
‘It’s only been seven days,’ I said.
‘When did you last bleed?’
‘Two weeks ago. I bled a little the next day… you know, after...’ I stopped and looked at Jeykal.
He rolled his eyes. ‘Klawdia, it’s all right. You guys bonded; I get it. Stop worrying about my feelings.’
Gevilka smirked. ‘I’ll get an herb to make you miscarry. No one can know. You’—she pointed at Jeykal—‘don’t you utter this to a single soul.’
Jeykal’s expression hardened. ‘I won’t.’
Gevilka patted my hand, stood, and rushed from the hut. Skelkra’s child grew within me. I put a hand to my stomach, and it was as if the child inside knew I was planning to kill it because I felt sick again and vomited on the floor in front of me.
Jeykal stifled a groan. ‘Don’t move. I’ll clean that up.’
I threw him a thankful look. I knew he wanted to leave. He was pale again, and his shoulders were hunched and his movements lethargic. Jeykal fetched the bucket sitting next to a rack of weapons. He sprinkled lavender oil to mask the smell.
I lay down on my side and watched him work. ‘I can’t believe it.’
Jeykal fixed me a cup of water.
‘I have to end this, don’t I?’ I asked him.
Sad eyes regarded me. ‘If anyone knew…’ he trailed off and froze, looking into some internal, distant horizon.
He closed his eyes, and I tried to consider what he thought. Killing a child, whether born or in the womb, was considered taboo. My people harboured strong feelings about life and death. Not to mention that conceiving without being bonded to a man rendered you a social outcast. I had won the right to rule, but the child who grew inside me would never be accepted. I’d be loveless and alone.
My hands shook, and I reached out to Jeykal, desperate for him to solve the problem. He stepped towards me, pulled me into a hug, and held me while I trembled.
‘It’s a child. Inside of me. It has hands and feet and—’
‘It’s too early in the conception. It hasn’t grown to have knowledge or to have arms and legs.’
I put my hand over my stomach, and suddenly I was flooded with a warmth and conviction so strong I could scarcely draw breath. My mind could only think one thing. Save your child. Had Skelkra put the child inside me on purpose? I snorted. That would be giving him too much credit. One thing seemed certain: I would have to leave Vilseek, and Skelkra would become the next chieftain.
‘Jeykal, I—’
Gevilka returned. She handed me four black pits. ‘Seeds to kill Skelkra’s seed. Take them only when you are ready.’ She brushed a tear from my face with wrinkled fingers. ‘You must take them.’
I nodded weakly. I hardly noticed her leave as my thoughts wrapped me up in possibilities, futures, and hardships. I grabbed Jeykal’s hand, and he squeezed mine.
‘If you decide…’ He ran a hand through his hair and looked away. ‘Ugh.’ He struggled to continue. ‘I mean… if you give birth, I’ll help you. You know? Take care of it.’ He bit his lip.
I let my fingers intertwine with his. ‘No. I can’t ask you to do that. You’d be giving up your life. Who would rule your tribe?’
‘The child is innocent. It has no father. I would take that role… if you let me.’
I froze. Jeykal wanted to be a father. But that would mean… ‘I can’t bond with you, Jeykal.’
‘No, no. I mean… not yet, but… maybe in time.’
I shook my head. ‘I just don’t feel that way about you.’
His cheeks reddened, and he inhaled deeply. ‘Yet you felt that way about the monster who almost killed you.’
I turned away. Why was he trying to make me feel ashamed? I knew my feelings were unreasonable, stupid, and untrustworthy. I would never trust them again. The love I’d felt had been a lie.
Jeykal put his hands to his face. ‘I’m sorry.’ He reached out and placed two fingers on my arm. ‘It’s not my place to judge you.’
I played with the black seeds in my palm. I only had to swallow them, and it would be done.
Skelkra would answer to me and only me. Once it came time for me to take Father’s place as chieftain, I would strip Skelkra of his title as leader of the Wolves. Father would die a happy man, knowing the Bears were still in power.
Then I considered the unborn child, full of love and purity, a life ready to be lived. A person still unnamed. A girl like me, like Mother, or a boy like Father or Skelkra. No, I wouldn’t let him be like them. From a young age, I’d teach him right from wrong. He’d be kind, loyal, and compassionate. I could make sure of that.
‘I need to be alone,’ I said.
Jeykal sighed and said, ‘Seek me out if you need me.’ His movements were slow as he rose and moved away.
I leaned forward and hooked a finger in the top of his pants. He turned around.
‘Thank you,’ I said.
He threw me an awkward smile. ‘Anytime. You’d do the
same for me if I was with child. I know it.’
I smiled and later realised that Jeykal was the sort of person I’d want my daughter to bond to and for my son to become.
Chapter Ten
Every passing moment saw my mind curl in on itself as I became more and more torn between my child’s life and my position as chieftain of Ruxdor. With Skelkra as leader, Ruxdor would be taken in new directions—harmful and cruel directions that would put us in the line of war. Should we invade Senya and take hold of their lands? The leaders had argued over that question for a century. Since the Death Plague, there had never been a better time to strike.
Father had never liked the idea. Despite his volatile nature, his views on war were unwavering. We should not attack those whom we could align with. The Bears had always wanted peace, while the Wolves wanted land and war. Invading Senya seemed logical. Senya had five months when snow did not fall. Ruxdor had only three. Their pastures were fertile and their mountains filled with useful rock and stone. The Queens of North Senya had finally agreed to trade with us last year, allowing us to flourish. Already we struggled to feed the masses, and one day we’d be forced to give the Queens everything they wanted.
The Queens had never been shy about desiring our warriors, our fighters, our men. Thousands of years had seen our people perfect the sword, bow, and dagger. The Queens had taken one city, and now they wanted more, not Vilseek but Juxon City in South Senya. Obviously, Skelkra would try to form a strong alliance with the Queens, and we would lose our traditions, our rituals, and saddest of all, our identity.
However, if I ruled, I would form an alliance with the South Senyans. I would bypass the Queens, visit King Erageo, and help him take back Meligna, for the city rightfully belonged to him. The Queens had stolen it from him, and we, at the time, had helped them. The Queens deserved to pay, but my conscience whispered to me. Lured me into weaknesses of the heart that I had never known.
Everything became about my love for my unborn child. Soon it would germinate, grow, and flourish within my warm belly and worship the beating of my heart.
Since the Bestial Passage had ended, I’d learned to suppress my feelings for Skelkra. However, knowing about what grew in my belly had resurfaced those feelings that I tried to free myself of. They’d grown into whispers of attachment, and my adoration for Skelkra loudened and multiplied. We’d created a life together. I shook my head.
Stupid, sentimental girl.
I shifted my legs to the side of my bed and cringed at the pain; my entire body ached from the fight. In the scuffle, I had cut my hands and bruised my knees and elbows. I wanted more dragonclaw, but knew the substance would pollute my mind. I needed my wits. My child needed me to be alert. A haunting feeling spread through my mind and ran the length of my body, causing my skin to tighten. My wounds pulsed. Thoughts taunted me. I was losing my mind. I punched a wall.
My knuckles reddened, and tiny cuts leaked blood. I wiped my hand on my clothes, and my eyes fell upon the black seeds on a table beside my bed. I moved towards them, taking small steps. I crouched, took one in my hand, and considered its power. I could end my torment just by slipping it into my mouth and swallowing. I shook my head and paced to the entranceway.
The morning illuminated patches of snow that had settled on rooftops. People went about their business as usual, as if they’d completely forgotten the fight, the Bestial Passage, and the loss of Vilseek’s wisest men. How I envied them; they never had to carry the weight I did. I stepped into a cool breeze and headed for Skelkra’s hut. People smiled and clapped at me as I moved amongst them—some even bowed their heads confirming their acceptance that I would rule after Father died. Their lack of contempt made me reconsider taking the seeds in my hut. Finally, they had accepted me, and I could rule without further question. As I neared the ramp to Skelkra’s dwelling, my father came up beside me and placed a hand on my shoulder.
‘Leave him.’ Father looked unslept. His hair was a mess and his eyes bloodshot.
‘Is he well?’
Father pursed his lips.
I smiled. ‘Then I will see him.’
Father dropped his arm and stepped aside. I shuffled up the ramp awkwardly, for my knees would not bend. I pushed aside the leathers etched with the marks of his tribe and entered. Sitting at his bedside was his mother. She jumped to her feet and clenched her fists.
‘You are not welcome here.’ She looked at Skelkra’s sword leaning against his bed.
I wanted her to take it and thrust it into me. Come on, end my pain. Instead, she took two steps towards me, raised her hand—I didn’t move—and then stopped. In that moment, I saw the wolf inside of her, snarling, claws grasping at the floor, ready to pounce.
‘Let her in, Mother,’ Skelkra said.
When my eyes went to his, I couldn’t hide my shock. He sat shirtless on his bed, legs crossed, not a scratch or bruise on him. In fact, he’d never looked healthier, and he even seemed… I shook my head. No, it couldn’t be possible. He looked younger.
‘It’s true.’ I gaped at the improvement.
‘It is true. The healers are gifted with magic… as you can see.’ He brought his arms up, and for a moment, I saw innocent joy in his eyes, and it reminded me of when we’d hunted together. Then I remembered how he’d stomped on my arm and killed the Watchers. I hardened my expression.
‘Make this heartless Bear leave,’ his mother said to him, and then I understood her perfectly. A good mother protected her child and would never give up on him, even when he chose to do evil. I traced a fingernail across my stomach.
‘Leave us,’ he commanded her.
She obeyed, her eyes ice-cold as she passed me.
‘Here to finish the job then?’ He smiled as if we’d never fought, as if he’d never ripped my heart in two. He didn’t care at all. ‘I doubt you’d even get a punch in. I’ve never felt better or stronger. You, on the other hand, look terrible.’ He chuckled.
I looked down at my clothes. They were filthy, and I’d tracked mud into the hut. Feet shuffled behind me, and I peered over my shoulder to see Wolf guards enter. Skelkra raised his hands, and they stopped and leaned against a wall.
‘I never cheated,’ I hissed at him. My tone was shrill and bitter, like a disgruntled lover. Shame prickled at my neck when I realised that was exactly what I was.
‘Your one weakness. And strength.’ He got out of bed, picked up a flask from a shelf and drank from it. He came closer and offered the refreshments to me, but I declined. He frowned for a moment. Social convention declared it an insult to refuse a drink from a Ruxdorian.
‘So, you’re here to check up on my health. How sweet. I’m lucky you have such depth of feeling for my well-being. Even after everything we’ve been through. That’s the mark of a good couple, you know. It would make for a strong bond. Oh, but wait, we already bonded. Is there any point now?’
I clenched my jaw. I considered re-inflicting his injuries. Then it occurred to me that I’d won. Skelkra was using my feelings against me, but in truth, he felt shame over losing the fight to a girl. Laughter burst from my mouth, and I muffled the noise with my hand. Regardless of my smugness and joy, I despised a person who revelled in someone else’s defeat, and I was doing just that.
He took a step back, clearly caught off guard by my laughter. He tapped his foot, waiting for me to speak, but I couldn’t stop chuckling until I forced the amusement from my mind. I cleared my throat. I’d beaten him, and nothing he could say or do would change that.
‘Did you ever care for me?’ I asked.
He sniffed. ‘Sure I did. You’re a good fighter, a sturdy girl and, most importantly, the heir of the Bears. How could I not want you?’
For the first time since Gevilka had told me I was with child, I considered telling him about his child. ‘That is not caring. That is hunting. I am not prey.’
He put down his wine flask and took two steps towards me, slowly and cautiously like a predator. My body urged me to move into a
fighting stance, but I suppressed the feeling and waited patiently.
He took another step forward, closing the gap between us. ‘I have failed in my hunt. I did not kill you. So I will let you go, for now.’
I could feel his breath on my face, and I stared up at him defiantly, but my body tingled with excitement because I thought he might touch me or try to kiss me. Would I let him? In all ways except for ritual, we were bonded from a moment of ecstasy and passion and purity that we would never experience again, at least not with each other. I closed my eyes, breathing in his scent, the warmth emanating from his skin. I remembered his lips on mine.
I snapped open my eyes, and he had stretched out his fingers to the point of almost touching my face. With my left hand, I grabbed his wrist and twisted. I felt some of the stitches in my arm tear.
‘How dare you touch me?’ I turned on my heel and exited the hut, but then stopped, took three paces back inside, and said, ‘If I were you, I’d start focusing on my farming skills.’
His lip curled, and he smacked the wine glass across the room. ‘Get out!’
I left, feeling more powerful than I ever had.
Corilksa insisted on keeping me company when I returned to my hut, but as usual, I sent the small timid woman away. She constantly fidgeted with long spider-like fingers, and her fussing irritated me. Besides, I didn’t agree with keeping slaves. Once in power, Father had introduced that law, and I’d always resented him for it. Strangely, Corilksa often seemed insulted or fearful when I didn’t need or want her help. I believed she thought I was displeased with her service, that she’d failed me, or that I would sell her to someone else.
Alone in my hut, I placed the seeds in my hand with the intention of consuming them. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I considered my child dying inside of me, but I had to take them. I have to!