A Portion of Dragon and Chips

by Simon Haynes

"Sure, and I'm a hill giant who shrunk in the wash. Still, it's your money." The halfling leaned closer. "What information are you after?"

  "I seek a woman," said Pentonville, and he drained one of the tankards. The beer was strong, and it left a sharp taste in his mouth.

  "Oh, is that it? We do offer such comforts, as it happens. What's your type?"

  "No, this woman is dangerous and well-armed, and she's wanted for murder."

  "That describes most of our girls. Can you be more specific?"

  "Have there been any female travellers through your inn this past day, travelling alone or in company?"

  "Not to my knowledge."

  "Are you sure?"

  "Are you suggesting I don't know the difference?"

  "Very well, but keep an eye out. My companion and I will pass this way again a day or two hence, and we will pay readily for your help."

  "This woman you seek. What is her name?"

  "Tiera. She may be travelling with a lad called Thonn."

  The halfling nodded. "I will ask around."

  "Thanks." Pentonville eyed the second tankard. He should probably take it outside, to Islington, but the road was long and there would be other taverns. So, he picked the mug up and drained it also.

  "And my half a crown?" asked the halfling.

  "It's yours when I get a lead." Pentonville wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, then strode outside.

  "Any luck?" demanded Islington.

  "No, but they'll keep a lookout."

  They glanced back across the plain to the forest, then turned to look at the road ahead. "What if she went north?" asked Islington. "She hasn't been here, and we didn't overtake her."

  "We might have. We could have passed an army in those woods, it was so dark."

  "But we could also ride west for days, getting further and further ahead of her," said Islington.

  They both looked back at the forest. That way lay Chatter's Reach, and home. "We will comb the woods," said Pentonville at last. "Tonight, we return here for rest and a hot meal. If she hasn't appeared by daybreak, we will take the road north."

  "But the captain said she was heading to Last Hope."

  "Have you ever been there?" Pentonville asked him. When Islington shook his head, he continued. "Well I have, and it's a long, dangerous road, with a filthy, dangerous town at the end of it." He thought for a moment. "I swear I heard the captain say she might be going to Last Hope. But she might also be heading north."

  "I'm not sure I—"

  "There are many taverns on the road to the Bark kingdom, for the northerners enjoy their comforts."

  "North it is," said Islington.

  "Tomorrow. Today, we search the woods."

  The matter settled, they wheeled their horses round and set off for the forest at a canter.

  — ♦ —

  There were celebrations when Thonn and Tiera reached Breen, and they were each given a large sack of food. Clothes were found for them, and they hung their damp outfits in the morning sunshine to dry.

  "I cannot believe our settlement is free of those monsters," said the woman they'd seen the day before. Her children played in the dirt nearby, looking content and happy.

  "Have you thought of arming yourselves against future troubles?" Thonn asked her.

  "Nay, for they would cut us all down without mercy." The woman shrugged. "It is the way of this land. The strong prey on the weak."

  "Have you seen the halfling who was travelling with us?"

  The woman shook her head. "Did he fall in battle?"

  "No, but he's going to," said Tiera firmly. Then she got up, gathering her drying clothes. "We really appreciate your hospitality, but we must be going."

  "Won't you stay? The two of you would be welcome here, and we could offer you lodgings and food."

  "And in return, we protect you?"

  "Well yes, the thought had crossed my mind."

  "I'm sorry, but we're too close to Chatter's Reach for my liking. There is trouble coming for us from that direction, particularly with the guards. We—"

  The woman raised a hand. "I do not wish to hear of any crimes you may stand accused of in the city, for I am certain they are misunderstandings. To us, you are both heroes."

  "Thank you." Tiera hesitated. "If the guards do happen by …" she began delicately.

  "We never saw you."

  Tiera bowed, and then she and Thonn shouldered their sacks of provisions and struck off through the forest, heading north towards the main road. When they got there, they found a marker pointing west to Last Hope, and another pointing north to the Bark kingdom. Finally, a third pointed east, to Chatter's Reach. Thonn immediately set off to the west, but Tiera quickly called him to a halt. "We travel north."

  "But why? Runt is going this way!"

  "He intends to rejoin his companions. If you recall, he mentioned a powerful wizard and a fighter. We are no match for them."

  "You can defeat anyone," said Thonn loyally.

  Tiera rubbed the side of her head. "Yet I was knocked out by a halfling with a stick. Anyway, you said two men on horseback were also looking for me. If they're on the western road, we should definitely avoid it."

  Thonn returned to the crossroads, and they both looked north. The road was paved here, and the small stone slabs were smooth from passing hooves, wagons and boots. "I've never been to the Bark kingdom," said Thonn.

  "I've heard of their ways." Tiera eyed his loincloth. "Is that held together with a metal clasp?"

  "Bone."

  "Good." And without elaborating, Tiera led the way north.

  "Won't they guess what we've done?" Thonn asked her. "After all, you told Spadell you would head north."

  "Yes, but he wasn't fooled. He will assume I was putting him off my track."

  "So you told him you were going north, thinking he'd believe you were going west. Then you went north but soon turned west for a while, before turning east, then north, then west and finally north again? Not to mention the boat ride, and the repeated crossings of the river." Thonn frowned. "Spadell is not the only one who is confused."

  Tiera laughed. "You give me hope, Thonn, for a path as tortuous as ours will dissuade all but the most dedicated pursuers."

  Chapter 32

  "Another ale, wench, and make it fast!" Sur Loyne was in a fine mood, having already downed several tankards of the tavern's best. His travelling companions, Sur Pryze and Sur Kah, had been moody at the start of the journey, but now they were getting into the spirit of the thing. There was certainly plenty of spirit getting into them, for they were sampling not only the ale, but every available beverage. They had plenty of money, they were invincible knights, and their leisurely ride to Branche to collect the queen's half-brother looked like it was going to be a very enjoyable trip indeed.

  The table before them groaned under the weight of roast suckling pig, dumplings in gravy, venison pies, cured meats, treacle puddings and a token salad. There was enough food for twenty, and the other patrons eyed the feast jealously over their meagre suppers of dry bread and cheese.

  "Abed!" shouted Sur Loyne. "Abed, before we're too far gone to enjoy the innkeeper's fine wares."

  "But I'm still eating," protested Sur Kah.

  "Those are not the wares I'm referring to," said Sur Loyne. He drained his tankard, splashing ale on his shiny breastplate, then banged the empty mug down and gestured towards the rear of the tavern. "Come on, men. Last one to mount their filly pays the bill."

  Once safely in each of their rooms, there followed a minute or two of enthusiastic bed-based action, before the knights turned their backs on their paid company and began snoring lustily.

  Morning arrived with a shaft of over-bright sunshine, and a distinct chilly feeling. Sur Loyne opened one eye, then sat up in a hurry. Ignoring the stabbing pain of his hangover, he surveyed the room in growing horror. His fine clothes, his magnificent armour, and his exceedingly valuable weapons were all missing.

  Sur Loyne
thought quickly. Ale had run like water the previous evening, as his hangover attested, and much of it had flowed over his person. Maybe the inkeep had arranged for cleaning? Then he realised his bulging coin purse had vanished too, and his blood ran cold. Unarmed, broke and near naked, he would be a laughing stock if he returned to the palace.

  "Zephyr blow me," he muttered. "This is a tricky situation indeed."

  He got up, wrapping a sheet around his muscled torso, and made his way to Sur Kah's room. The man was still sharing his bed with a curvaceous woman, but as with Sur Loyne's room, all his belongings were missing. All was not yet lost, for if Sur Pryze still had his gear, they might yet emerge from this mess unscathed.

  Alas, it was not to be. "Sur Pryze, Sur Pryze!" cried Sur Loyne, and the other knight sat up in bed, blinking in confusion. Then he noticed the theft of his belongings, and his expression matched his name.

  "It's a plot," said Sur Loyne angrily. "The innkeep fed us ale until we could stand no more, and then his women bedded us for hours to distract our attention."

  "Many, many hours," said Sur Kah, with a sideways glance.

  "All night," said Sur Pryze. "Definitely."

  Truth be told, they'd all been so drunk they didn't remember a thing.

  "Horses!" said Sur Loyne suddenly.

  "I don't recall that part," said Sur Kah, with a frown.

  "No, I mean … our horses! Do you think they stole our mounts too?"

  They dashed outside, where they found a stablehand watching over their priceless stallions. Sur Loyne checked his saddlebags and heaved a sigh of relief. Spare clothes, his second-best sword, even a purse with a few shillings … all was not lost after all. "And you two?" he demanded. "Has Zephyr smiled on you this day?"

  "I've got a half-crown, a dagger and four more shirts."

  "I have three pairs of leggings," said Sur Pryze. He handed the others a pair each, and accepted a shirt in exchange.

  They dressed quickly, then entered the inn to seek out the owner. Sur Loyne drew his sword and held the tip under the man's chin. Second-best it might be, but it was more than capable of cutting down an unarmed civilian. "Do you know the punishment for stealing armour and weapons from one of the queen's knights?"

  "Don't look at me," said the innkeep. "I was serving all evening."

  "The girls, then. Our clothes and purses, they were also taken."

  "My girls are well paid. They don't need to steal from clients to get by." The innkeep raised one hand, and pushed the point of the sword away. "I imagine your thieves came in the back entrance."

  "First the horses, and now this," muttered Sur Kah. "I must have been paralytic, for I recall none of these night-time activities."

  Sur Loyne hurried away, and the others followed. There was a door leading outside, and they found a rainwater barrel stuffed with several items of clothing. Sur Loyne recognised his undershirt, and a pair of shorts embroidered with his name which had been a gift from the queen. They up-ended the barrel and rescued their clothes, but there was nothing else of value.

  "Who would buy armour and weapons around here?" Sur Loyne asked the barkeep. "Who's the go-to for stolen property?"

  "Nothing like that in these parts," said the innkeeper. "Last Hope is a real den of thieves, but it's a day's ride from here. If they left at dawn you won't catch 'em." The innkeeper hesitated. "I see you still have a coin purse."

  "Yes. And?"

  "There's a bill to be settled before you leave. Ale, and food, and lodgings. And the girls, too." He raised his hand to forestall Sur Loyne's protests. "One day, you will pass through here again. When you do, you'll expect clean food, clean beds and clean girls. You will get the opposite, if you don't pay your bill now."

  Sullenly, the knights emptied their purses and counted out their coin. There was only just enough, and unless they could rob someone else on their way to Branche, there would be no more taverns. "We'll have to sleep rough and live off the land," said Sur Loyne, in a hollow voice.

  "No more ale," said Sur Kah, despondently.

  "Warm beds, too," added Sur Pryze. "They will be a distant memory."

  "The queen will reward us for our labours," said Sur Loyne valiantly.

  Sur Pryze glanced at him. "These orders from the queen. Did they offer any wriggle-room?"

  "What do you mean?"

  "Was there a particular time frame, or could we return to the castle for additional supplies?"

  "I very much doubt it."

  "Let me see the orders, for I have extensive legal training," said Sur Kah. "Why, I could pull a plump dragon through the tiniest loophole."

  They all thought about plump dragons for a moment or two, before Sur Loyne shook himself. "Alas, the orders were in my coin purse," he said at last. "I do recall the words 'immediately' and 'with all haste' were mentioned, along with the phrase 'do not return to the palace without Tyniwon, under pain of death. Even if you lose your equipment and money and so forth.'"

  "That does seem fairly watertight. And also very specific."

  Sur Loyne hoped so, because he'd just made it up. "Let us ride forth, for today's journey will be arduous. We must proceed with all haste, so the queen is not kept waiting."

  "I think I still have enough for breakfast," said Sur Pryze, poking through a handful of coins.

  Sur Loyne hesitated. "We will sally forth with haste right after breakfast." He glanced at the coins. "Is there enough for a round of ale as well?"

  Chapter 33

  "Happy! Come back!" shouted Runt, but the mule ignored him. He watched, helpless, as the animal swam to shore. He saw it amble up the beach to a grassy knoll, where it began grazing without a care in the world.

  Runt sat down and crossed his arms. His companions had abandoned him, Tiera was out for his blood after their unfortunate misunderstanding, and now the mule had preferred to swim several hundred yards across treacherous open water rather than spend another minute in the boat with him.

  Lost in self-pity, Runt almost felt like crying, but he consoled himself with the fact that his situation wasn't that bad. Sure, he was heading out to sea in a small boat, but the current would eventually carry him back to dry land. Things couldn't get any worse, he told himself firmly.

  That's when the boat gave a lurch.

  At first, Runt thought it was the waves, but this motion wasn't a steady rocking … it was more of a surge. It felt like an invisible hand had taken the small craft, propelling it through the water. Runt glanced up at the sky. He wasn't particularly religious, but he was prepared to try anything once. "Oh, great Zephyr, please guide this lost soul to shore. I will raise money for charity, and do good works in your name, and not steal anything that isn't nailed down."

  The boat surged again, and Runt would have kept praying, except he was still travelling away from the shore. It seemed divine intervention was making things worse, which wasn't surprising given some of Runt's past deeds.

  Then Runt noticed something … the rope in the bows wasn't coiled on the seat, it was stretching out ahead of the boat, as tight as a bowstring. Curious, he got to his feet and approached, taking hold of the rope with both hands before giving it a tug.

  Immediately, all hell broke loose. A giant, scaly back reared from the ocean surface, not ten yards ahead of the bow, and the subsequent wash almost pitched Runt out of the boat. He clung onto the rope for dear life, and as his world tipped this way and that, he spotted something which made his stomach drop. It wasn't the giant sea snake, for that had already frozen the blood in his veins. No, it was the loose end of the knotted rope, which was firmly jammed between two of the beast's enormous scales.

  The sea serpent dived again, swimming just below the surface with a flick of its powerful body. The boat leapt forwards, and Runt was thrown back onto the middle seat. He sat there, petrified, as the little craft zoomed across the water, moving so fast it was almost as though the great Zephyr were blowing it along with huge gusts of laughter.

  Behind him, the shores
of the Old Kingdom receded quickly, before vanishing over the horizon as though the land of his birth had never existed.

  — ♦ —

  After an arduous journey, fuelled by a great many messenger squirrels, Father M, Hurm, Clunk and Millie approached the frontier town of Last Hope. By now, Father M had enough dirt on the inhabitants to start a riot, what with his impressive stash of message scrolls. He'd memorised the more trivial efforts, but he was saving the truly salacious ones for the future. Nothing loosened the purse-strings like cold, hard evidence of treachery and adultery. But, as all good blackmailers were aware, the secret was to extract the cash just before fleeing the city. If you went in hard and early, it gave your victim a chance to cut your throat, or organise assassins if they were too squeamish to finish the job themselves.

  The buckled metal gates to the walled city stood open, and Father M couldn't help noticing the forty-foot flames rising from half a dozen buildings. The walls themselves were sooty and blackened, as though seared with flame of unbelievable heat. There were cries, too, and shouted orders. Occasionally, there was a hiss as someone emptied a pail of water onto the towering flames, but that was about as useful as feeding a horse from a thimble.

  "What happen?" asked Hurm, as he gazed upon the destruction. "Why flames?"

  "It was clearly a flood," said Father M.

  "Hurm cannot swim!" said the fighter in alarm.

  The others glanced at him, but before they could explain the concept of sarcasm, and the fact that floods were generally quite wet rather than hot and flamey, a peasant hurried past carrying a bucket. He was heading to a nearby stream, where several others were filling their own buckets before running back towards the inferno.

  "What is happening yonder?" asked Father M.

  "Where?" said the peasant, looking all around.

  Father M nodded towards the towering flames consuming half the city. "That, unless there's an even bigger disaster I'm not aware of."

  "Oh, the fire." The peasant sat down on the upturned bucket. He was about forty, with sooty clothes and red-rimmed eyes. "Well, there was this party of adventurers, see? They decided to hunt a dragon."