Josh was panting, eyes closed, slumped against the headboard. He looked like the life had been drained out of him through his dick. “Fuck.”
“I agree.” Mike took a deep breath to try to corral his wild pulse. It continued to pound like waves slapping against rocks. “You okay?”
Josh slurred something that sounded like “I’m fucking fantastic” before he pushed himself up. “God, I can’t wait for our date. Though part of me is worried that since this is so good, the actual sex will be terrible.”
“I’m not concerned. That first time notwithstanding, I have the utmost faith in us.” Mike smirked. “Although, who says we’re gonna have sex after our first date?”
“After? Fuck that. I was thinking before. And possibly during, as well. Don’t take me anywhere you want to go back to.”
Mike laughed. “Deal. As fun as that was, I have to get going. I spent half my day waiting around for you, and now I have things to do.”
Josh looked hesitant. “Before you go, there’s something I want to ask.”
“Anything. But can you put some clothes on first? With you all naked and sweaty, I’m having trouble focusing.”
“Hell no. I’m not standing anytime soon. But here.” Josh grabbed his tangled sheets and spread them over his lap. “Better?”
“Marginally. What’s up?”
“I guess I, um—” Josh scratched behind his ear with his clean hand. “Well, I was wondering . . . There’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you about.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you tongue-tied before. It’s refreshing. But whatever it is, you can ask me. I promise.”
Josh took a breath. “Once we go on this date—assuming that everything goes well, and I forgive you and all that—are we, you know, dating? Like, do you want to be a couple, or is this casual to you?”
Mike’s stomach flopped at the word couple. Not in a bad way. “You always ask boys what their intentions are before a first date?”
“When I’ve had sex with them three times already, yes. But truth be told, I’ve never been in a situation like this before. I don’t know what the protocol is. We have to get tested before we can be together, and then there’s the fact that we’re both in sex work, which brings a whole other set of complications to the table, and I don’t know if our anniversary would be the day we first had sex or the night we went to the club, or should it be when we have dinner, or—”
“Baby. Your mouth. It’s big.”
Josh looked sheepish. “Sorry. I tend to babble.”
“I’ve noticed. After some debate, I’ve decided it’s charming.” Mike grabbed a handful of tissues and cleaned up. He needed a distraction while he said this next part. “In all seriousness, Josh, I like you. Obviously. But I’m not a hundred percent sure what I want right now. I think I do, but I’m afraid to say it before we’ve figured some things out. You said it yourself: this date is a test. I don’t want to make any decisions until we see if we pass or not.”
Josh nodded. “I’m kinda scared too. Is that weird?”
“If it is, we’re both weird. Why don’t we take this one step at a time? Let’s have our first official date. We can worry about it after that, assuming we’re both still in this.”
“I like that plan.”
Mike paused before plunging ahead. “For the record, though, I have never quit porn over a boyfriend in the past. I might quit for other reasons, when I’m good and ready, but I’ll never quit for you. Just like I wouldn’t ask you to quit any of your jobs for me. Can you deal with that?”
Josh paused before answering, making Mike squirm.
“Honestly, I have to think about it. I don’t love the idea of you sleeping with other people, even though I know it’s your job. It would take getting used to.”
Mike supposed that was all he could expect for now. “I can be patient. For the record, I haven’t slept with anyone else since you, and not just because I’m waiting to get tested. Though if I go back to porn, I would be doing my job, just like when you go on your cam channel and masturbate while people watch.”
“I get that. I wouldn’t quit my channel if you asked me to.” Josh smirked. “Unless you wanna make me your kept man.”
“Don’t tempt me. I could keep you handcuffed to the bed.”
Josh shivered. “Keep talking like that, and I’ll make you buy another hour.”
“Two more days, Josh. We can make it.” Mike blew him a kiss. “I’ll talk to you later, okay?”
“Okay. Hey, one more quick thing.”
“Yeah?”
“How do you like your eggs?”
Mike blinked. “Scrambled with salt and pepper. Why?”
“Just curious. I’ll text you later. Bye.”
Mike signed off and watched as Bret Monty went from offline back to on. He was only there for a second though before his channel disappeared again. Mike couldn’t be sure if he’d logged off or if someone had immediately bought a show with him. He hoped it was the former, if only to give Josh’s poor cock a rest.
Two more days.
In two days, he might have his first boyfriend in over a year. It was scary to think about. But also exhilarating. For the first time in a long time, Mike was ready for a taste of something real.
But there was a phone call he needed to make first.
Josh thought his skeleton might be trying to rattle its way out of his skin. That was the only explanation for how badly he was trembling as he waited out in front of a little Japanese restaurant in Pasadena. He fiddled with the buttons on his shirt to distract himself, but his hands were shaking too.
Calm down, Clemmons. It’s only a date.
But his nervousness refused to ebb. He’d hardly slept since the night Mike had texted him the name of the restaurant and time, along with the message, I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.
Despite his dirty mind, Josh had gotten the joke immediately. It was a flirty invitation that didn’t quite mask the seriousness of the request. If they wanted to, they could disclose their test results with each other during their date. Mike had said he’d made an appointment, and Josh had gone to his the day before. He was beginning to get the feeling that Mike liked dramatic reveals as much as he did. Why else couldn’t they have texted each other the good news? Or at least, in Josh’s case, it was good.
Josh had tested negative for HIV.
The relief he’d felt when he received the phone call was profound, but also strangely anticlimactic. As soon as the nurse had told him he was negative, it seemed as though he’d known all along that he would be. What was that called? Hindsight bias. But he liked to think it was a sign that all the good turns his life had taken lately were going to continue.
Of course, the nurse had advised him to get tested regularly for pretty much the rest of his life, but for now, Josh felt safe. Like he’d dodged a bullet. He was still glad he’d taken the plunge and tried porn, but this experience cemented in his head that he wasn’t cut out for it.
It’d been worth it, though. To meet Mike. Even if this date went poorly and Josh decided he couldn’t forgive him after all, he was still glad they’d met.
Mike was actually off to a bad start, though. He was late, and it was giving Josh far too much time to think about everything that had happened in the past month. The ups, the downs, the changes he’d seen in both himself and Mike, and the whole uncertain future sprawling ahead of them. If they had a future together. That was one of many things Josh intended to find out tonight.
First and foremost, he wanted to know if Mike had tested positive. Josh wouldn’t demand that Mike disclose his status, but he was pretty sure Mike would tell him either way. And if he was positive, Mike had some big decisions to make. He’d probably need space to deal, consider his options, and decide on a plan. Josh would be supportive no matter what, but he’d need to make some decisions as well. He’d have to decide if he still wanted to date Mike.
A month ago, he might have reacted the way th
at one asshole at Twist had. Josh couldn’t say if he would have considered dating someone with an STI back then. But he’d been ignorant, and he was a big enough person to admit it.
It helped that he’d done his research. There were plenty of people with HIV who never passed it to their partners, or if they did, they managed it together. Mike would take certain medications, and there were ones for Josh as well, all of which had excellent rates of success. And they could use condoms for the rest of their lives.
The rest of our lives.
When had Josh started thinking about Mike in terms of absolutes? Jesus. He needed to remind himself that they’d never so much as shared a meal together before. They had a lot of ground to cover before they got serious. It was funny, though. When it came to Mike, Josh had no trouble imagining a future together.
But was that wise? If Mike stayed in porn, he was going to sleep with other people while they were dating each other. Not that Josh had much room to talk. He was a cam star. He masturbated while dirty old men watched him do it. Was there a way for them to be monogamous while they were both having sex with other people?
Josh wasn’t sure. Despite all the experience he’d gained since that faithful day he’d auditioned for Colette, there was still a lot about the sex industry he didn’t understand.
He knew two things for certain, though: he wanted to be happy, and he was in serious danger of falling in love with Mike. However inadvisable that might be, he had to see if there was some way to make this work.
“Lost in thought?”
Josh shrieked. He spun around, heart racing, and found himself inches from Mike Harwood.
Mike looked like he was struggling not to grin. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to scare you.”
“No, I’m sorry.” Josh took a deep breath. “I’m a little nervous.”
“What for? It’s just me.” Mike gestured to himself. Josh absorbed him in a sweep. He looked good. White shirt with a black flight jacket thrown over it, dark jeans, and the fancy shoes Josh always saw but didn’t know the name of. It all fit him beautifully, too.
Josh must have stared for a second too long, because Mike chuckled. “Guess I picked the right outfit. You don’t look bad yourself. I’ve never seen you all cleaned up before.”
Josh had scrounged together the only nice clothes he had. He’d bought them for an interview when he was twenty and hadn’t worn them since. Never heard from the job either. It was nothing fancy, but he thought the light-green button-down brought out his eyes.
“Well—” he cleared his throat “—my mom says you can’t go wrong with business casual for a date.”
“You called your mom for dating advice?”
“Yeah.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “She’s been married three times, so I figure if anyone knows how to land a man, it’s her.”
Mike laughed again. “But as for staying with one, I hope you won’t take any advice from her.” He held out his arm. “Shall we? I’m sorry I’m late, by the way. I had to make a trip down to Murmur Inc.”
Josh started to ask what for, but he stopped short. If Mike had gone to a shoot, then he didn’t want to know. “Lead the way.”
The restaurant, which was called Zen according to the cut-out metallic sign out front, had two large aquariums adjacent to the entrance, in which colorful fish swam amongst towers of fake coral. To the left was a hostess stand, where a pretty woman with dark hair and eyes greeted them. She seemed to recognize Mike, because she led them to the sushi bar without asking for a name.
“You come here a lot?” Josh seated himself on one of the barstools, which all had red seats and black metal backs.
Before he could answer, a sushi chef shouted, “Hey, it’s Mike!” He waved, knife in hand, from where he was cutting vibrant purple tuna into sashimi. “How’s life?”
Mike waved back. “It’s fine, Genzo. Same old.”
“Be right with you.”
Josh looked between them. “I guess that answers my question.”
“I eat a lot of fish,” Mike explained. “It’s a good, postworkout protein source. My gym is near here, so I come in maybe once a week.” He slid his jacket off, hung it on the back of the barstool next to Josh, and took a seat. Their knees touched. With anyone else, Josh would have assumed it was an accident, but with Mike, he knew better. The light touch—a gentle reminder of Mike’s affection—sent a ripple of warmth through him.
“I’ll defer to your expertise, then.” Josh picked up the paper sushi menu left by his place setting and handed it over. “You pick.”
“Are you adventurous?” Mike flashed a smile. “When it comes to food, I mean.”
“I’m not picky, but don’t order me anything that still has eyes.”
“Got it.”
While Mike made tallies next to various kinds of fish, Josh settled into his seat and observed him. So far, this seemed like a regular first date, and he appreciated that Mike had dressed up. Mike always looked good, but there was a clear delineation between his street clothes and what he was wearing tonight.
It hadn’t escaped Josh’s notice that the jacket he’d chosen had a series of decorative silver zippers. Had he worn it because he’d thought Josh would be into it? If Josh were a betting man, he’d put money on yes. That was the sort of attention to detail he’d come to expect from Mike.
So far, so good, but what now? He didn’t want to launch right into the STI talk, but he wasn’t sure what else to say. He knew what people normally talked about on first dates—their families and what concerts they’d been to and what movies they liked—but he and Mike had already covered all of that via Martin.
“Something on your mind?”
The question forced Josh back to the present. His gaze had moved from Mike to the white tile floors. When he looked up, he found Mike studying him with raised eyebrows.
“What?”
“You seem pensive. Is there something you want to talk about?”
Well, that’s one way to start a tough conversation. “Yes, to be honest, but I was also thinking about what an unusual first date this is.”
“Really? I thought sushi was pretty standard.”
“No, I mean because of our history. If you were anyone else, I’d be asking you what your favorite food is, or if you like musicals. But thanks to Martin, I already know it’s lasagna and that your iPod has the soundtrack to Hamilton on repeat.”
He was expecting Mike to smile, maybe crack a joke, but instead he blanched. “Let me apologize about that again. I didn’t mean to—”
“No!” Josh held up a hand. “I wasn’t trying to start anything, I swear. Obviously, we’ll talk about that at some point, but I was more saying I’m glad we don’t have to go through all that small talk. It’s my least favorite part of first dates. When I’ve recently met someone, learning their favorite color isn’t my top priority.” He paused. “Though out of curiosity, what’s yours?”
Mike answered without hesitating. “Orange.”
Josh crinkled his nose. “I hate orange.”
“A lot of people do. I love it, though. It’s vibrant and energetic. Makes me think of fresh fruit.”
“Is that why you wear the cologne you do?”
“Yeah, it’s orange blossom. I was surprised when you picked up on it. Most people think it smells flowery.”
“Well, we were in pretty close contact.”
Mike pressed his knee against Josh’s. “Yeah, we were.”
Genzo appeared. “Sorry for the wait.” He reached over the clear partition to shake Mike’s hand. “Have you decided on something for you and your . . .?”
“Date.” Mike handed over the marked sushi menu. “We’re going to try a bunch of different things, if that’s all right.”
Genzo took the paper with a sly smile. “Ordering for your date is a little old-fashioned, don’t you think?”
“Oh yeah,” Josh quipped. “We’re a very traditional couple.”
Laughing, Genzo left to start on their order. M
ike stared at him.
“What?”
“‘Couple’?”
Damn. Josh kept doing that. “I didn’t mean—”
Mike giggled like a schoolboy and touched his shoulder. “It’s okay. I don’t mind. Actually, I like the sound of it.”
“I felt the same way when you called me your date.”
Mike gave his shoulder a squeeze before letting go. “So, what did you want to talk about? Don’t think that bit of misdirection made me forget.”
Damn. Part of him had been looking for an excuse to avoid this.
“I think there are some things we should get out of the way. I know this is our first ‘proper’ date, or whatever, and we should be enjoying it, but I think I’ll be a lot more relaxed if we clear the air.”
Mike swiveled in his seat to face him. “Okay. I think I can handle that. Does this have to do with our test results?”
Josh took a quick breath. “Yes and no.” He looked around to see if anyone was listening, but the other diners were absorbed in their own food and conversations. He lowered his voice to be sure. “I have no problem telling you my status. I tested negative.”
Mike’s lips quirked up. “Me too.”
Josh let out a breath despite himself. “That’s great. You must be so relieved.”
“I am. When a waiter comes by, I’ll order us some champagne.”
“I’m down to celebrate, but you realize this isn’t over, right?”
Mike’s face clouded over like an overcast day. “What do you mean?”
“We both have to keep getting tested. Hell, you have to get tested every two weeks.”
“It’s the same for everyone who’s sexually active, though.”
“Not exactly. Most couples who are monogamous can stop getting tested after they’ve been together for a long period of time. Because of what you do, your risk is higher, and it never goes away. I don’t mean that in a judgmental way. If I’d stayed in, uh, the business, I’d be in the same boat.”
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