Cross Your Heart

by Layce Gardner

  “Why not?” Ruth asked. She sipped her wine and felt her body finally begin to relax. She had to keep it out of fight-or-flight mode. As a firefighter, her adrenal system was highly sensitive—good for fires and emergencies, but not so good when it came to life matters.

  “Because July is tough on a garden. It’s too hot. You can’t transplant bulbs or plant seedlings unless it’s a perfect cloudy day, the early spring flowers go to seed and have to be topped off, all the berry plants and herbs need to be fertilized, and the chiggers and ticks are ferocious. Especially on the years when we have a super mild winter. It’s bugs galore.”

  “I thought Steph was the gardener,” Ruth said.

  “She is, but I have to listen to the bitching and moaning. After eleven years, I know all the complaints.”

  “Which means if I say anything about the garden, she’ll go off on a mini-rant?”

  “Precisely.”

  “It still looks good to me.”

  “How do you really feel about dating Tamika?” Rosa asked.

  The rapid change of subject caught her off guard and she answered more honestly than she would have if she’d been expecting the question. “I’m scared I’m making the wrong decision. I like Tamika, but do I have the right to invite her into my life if I’m not serious about having a relationship? I don’t want to mislead her.”

  Rosa sipped her wine. “Good choice of wine.”

  “Now, you’re avoiding the subject.”

  “No, I’m giving you more time to formulate your argument against dating Tamika,” Rosa said.

  She could lie, but she knew Rosa would see through it. It wasn’t her broken heart she was most concerned with. She had hardened her heart over the last four years. It was Cece’s heart she was protecting. It always came down to Cece, but Steph was right. Ruth deserved to have a life. If Cece couldn’t get used to the idea of another person in their lives, would she grow up to hate everyone Ruth dated? It would be like all those movies where daughters disapproved of their mother’s choice of a mate and made life hell for both the lover and the mother.

  “It’s Cece, am I right?” Rosa asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “I get that kids need a stable environment, but you need a life too.”

  “That’s what Steph says.”

  “We don’t have kids. I try to watch what I say about their upbringing because I’m sure you’ve run into childless couples who have all sorts of ideas about how you’re raising your kid. I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but if your daughter is depriving you of having your own life I don’t think that does either one of you any good. Yes, I think you should be very cautious and Tamika might not be the right person, but there is someone out there for you. Cece shouldn’t be the only one to decide who you invite into your lives. You’re a good judge of character.”

  “I didn’t do a very good job of picking my ex,” Ruth said wryly.

  Rosa didn’t get a chance to respond because at that moment, the back door opened. Steph and Tamika came out onto the deck. They were each holding a glass of wine.

  Tamika looked as nervous as Ruth felt. It was silly if you thought about it. They talked to each other almost every morning at The Perk. The difference here was that there’d be no customers in line, no fancy coffees to make. Amy’s baby shower had also been a busy affair. Yes, they’d talked and laughed but they were surrounded by scads of people. This was different and they both knew it. Ruth couldn’t decide if she should stand up and give Tamika a welcoming hug.

  Tamika must’ve sensed it. She didn’t stand waiting, instead she sat down next to Ruth and smiled. “We meet again,” she said. “Under different circumstances.”

  “Dinner instead of coffee or a baby shower,” Ruth teased. Teasing was good. Wasn’t it?

  “I brought more wine,” Tamika said, “Seeing as it’s a dinner party. I liked the flowers on the table. I hear they’re from you.” Her brown eyes sparkled. She’d let her dreads down. Ruth had only ever seen them piled up on her head in a messy tumble. Tamika was gorgeous in Ruth’s eyes. Full lips, perfect white teeth and a body that made her salivate.

  Steph smiled slyly at Rosa who pointedly ignored her.

  “How was work?” Rosa asked. “Busy as ever?”

  “Busy, but not like you all. Slinging coffee isn’t as exciting as being a police officer,” she said. She glanced at Ruth, “Or fighting fires.”

  “Oh, yeah, I’ve got it exciting,” Rosa said. “Today I answered calls about a lost cat, a complaint about too much noise at the daycare playground, and a suggestion that a speed bump be erected on a residential street. And there was a fender bender on another street. Right after that, there were three phone calls suggesting a four-way-stop sign be put there. That’s the cop life in Fenton. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want high crime. I’ve seen enough of that, thank you.” Everyone knew that Rosa had lost two work partners to gunshot wounds, both during drug busts, the first one in Kansas City and the other in Fenton. That was a subject best left alone.

  “What streets are they talking about?” Steph asked.

  “Teal Avenue for the speed bump and Davis and Maple for the four-way,” Rosa replied.

  “Those are good suggestions,” Steph said. “Teal and Davis has more accidents than I can count.”

  “See,” Tamika said. “All I got was a messed-up coffee order by the new girl and an irate customer who scared the living bejezzus out of the poor girl. I won’t be surprised if she doesn’t show up tomorrow.”

  “If she doesn’t show, call Ruth. She can help out. She’s got the next four days off,” Steph said.

  “I hardly qualify to be a barista,” Ruth said.

  “Neither does the new girl, evidently,” Steph said.

  “I’m telling you, the minute that absentee owner is willing to sell, I’m going to buy the place,” Tamika said. “I’ll raise the wages so I can get and keep good people.”

  “Nothing like a girl with ambitions,” Steph said. She glanced over at Ruth meaningfully.

  “I used to have bigger ambitions, but you know how what you think and what really goes down can be vastly different,” Tamika said. She sipped her wine.

  “I started out in health care, found it wasn’t to my liking and went on to become a police officer,” Rosa said.

  “And I sold smoke alarms at the hardware store,” Steph said.

  Rosa smacked her arm. “You always wanted to be a firefighter. You even had a Dalmatian as a child.”

  “Don’t forget my large collection of fire trucks,” Steph said.

  “How could I? We have an entire closet full of them,” Rosa said.

  “What about you, Ruth?” Tamika said.

  “I was an EMT first, but I discovered I wanted more. Firefighting just felt like a better fit for me.”

  “Okay, we’ve all shared. What’s your dream not attained, Tamika?” Steph asked. She looked at everyone’s nearly-empty wine glasses. “After I do refills.” She dashed off to the kitchen to fetch the bottle of wine.

  “She’s fast,” Tamika said with a chuckle.

  “She does everything at top speed. She doesn’t have a slow button,” Rosa said.

  “Makes her a great firefighter,” Ruth said.

  Steph returned and refilled their glasses. “Okay, spill.”

  “Okay, but don’t laugh. And just so you know, I haven’t given up on my dream yet. It’s just on the back burner,” Tamika said. She looked at Ruth. Evidently, it was her opinion that mattered most to Tamika.

  Ruth crossed her heart. “No laughing, I promise.”

  Tamika looked back to the others. “I was a poet. Am a poet. A lesbian poet.”

  “There’s nothing laughable about that,” Rosa said.

  “I think it’s cool,” Steph said.

  “Do you read poetry?” Tamika asked Steph.

  “Well… no.”

  “She does read lesbian romances. Because under that tough dyke exterior she’s a mushy romantic
,” Rosa said.

  “That’s supposed to be a secret. No one knows that except you,” Steph said.

  “I know it, too,” Ruth said. “And so does the rest of the station. The boys read them after you’re finished.”

  The shock on Steph’s face was rather comical. “They do not.”

  “They do, too. And they really enjoy them,” Ruth teased. She turned her attention to Tamika. “Do you still write poetry?”

  Tamika shook her head.

  “Why’d you stop?” Ruth asked.

  “Because no one reads poetry anymore,” Tamika said.

  “I admit that I don’t understand it. It’s like a foreign language to me,” Steph said.

  “You’re not alone,” Tamika said. “There was a time when words just flowed out of me, but the lack of recognition bogged me down. So I quit.”

  “I hope you still have what you’ve written,” Ruth said. She wanted to read it because it might help her get to know Tamika better. “You didn’t throw it away, did you?”

  Tamika chuckled. “I didn’t. Despite not being published, I still have a special place in my heart for my poems. They’re a map to who I once was.”

  “That’s really cool,” Steph said. “We have a poet in our midst. I knew something was different about you.”

  “Will you ever share your poetry with anyone?” Ruth asked.

  “Someday… with the right person,” Tamika said shyly.

  Ruth hoped she was that person.

  ***

  “How was the dinner party?” Millie asked when Ruth got home. Millie and Cece were playing Chutes and Ladders at the kitchen table.

  “Hi, Mommy!” Cece exclaimed. She jumped up, almost knocking the game board to the floor. She ran to her mother and hugged her tightly. “Guess what? I’m winning!”

  Ruth leaned down to kiss the top of Cece’s head. “I didn’t even know they still made that game. I played it when I was a kid.”

  “Millie said it’s a classic and she’s going to let me keep it. That way we can play when she comes over,” Cece said. “It’s super fun.”

  “To kids these days, the old stuff is new again,” Millie said. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m into my Cookie Jam, but with the little ones, I like to introduce them to pre-Internet games.”

  “Thank you for spending time with Cece,” Ruth said. Her daughter got cranky when Ruth called it “babysitting.” I’m not a baby, Cece would say. Goodness, Ruth thought, she’s right. She’s not a baby anymore. She looked at her sweet girl. Cece had dark hair, like Ruth’s, only long. She also had pale blue eyes and porcelain white skin that burned almost instantly if she went out in the sun without sunscreen.

  Cece ran back to the table, rolled the dice, and screamed out, “I won!”

  Millie clapped. “I knew you’d be good at this game.”

  “Okay, Cece, it’s bedtime,” Ruth said. “Let me talk to Millie and then I’ll tuck you in. And brush your teeth.”

  “I know, I know,” Cece said. She got up and hugged Millie. “You’re the best. I had so much fun. And thank you for the game.”

  “I had fun too,” Millie said. “I’ve got lots of board games around the house. We’ll play more of them the next time we get to spend time together.”

  “I’d like that a lot,” Cece said.

  “Now, off to bed,” Ruth said, swatting her daughter’s pajama-clad bottom.

  Cece trotted down the hall.

  Ruth sat down at the table across from Millie. “I really appreciate you doing this. Cece is usually put off by most of her babysitters. I’ll come home and she’s sulky. Thank goodness I found Fern Wallace. She’s been a lifesaver.”

  “I see Fern at bingo. She’s one hell of a bingo player. You know, you saved Fern, too. After her husband and son died in that terrible car accident, she went to pieces. She was so depressed. I thought she’d wither up and die, but you gave her a new lease on life. Taking care of Cece is healing her. So, I would call that a win-win.”

  “I didn’t know that about her family.” Ruth chastised herself. Here she had this wonderful woman taking care of her daughter and she never knew the pain and suffering Fern had gone through. Fern never talked about her personal life. She looked after Cece while Ruth was on rotation at the firehouse, gave her a progress report of Cece’s doings and then went home.

  Fern lived two doors down from them. Ruth had been in a panic to find someone to care for Cece while she was a work. It had been difficult to find a babysitter who’d stay overnight, get Cece ready for school and be back to pick her up from school, feed her dinner, and put her to bed. Luckily, Steph had found such sitters for her until Fern came along. She owed Steph big time for so many things.

  Millie offered to sit when Ruth occasionally went out on her nights off. Ruth didn’t want to engage Fern on those nights because she wanted to give her a break from Cece. Fern was seventy-two years old and caring for a child was a hard job, especially a high-energy kid like Cece. But Fern seemed to love it. “It keeps me busy and Lord knows I need that,” Fern had told her. She also needed the money to supplement her Social Security.

  “How’d your date go?” Millie asked.

  “It wasn’t a date. It was dinner for four,” Ruth corrected.

  Millie rolled her eyes.

  “All right,” Ruth laughed. “I had a good time. It was nice. Tamika has good table manners, doesn’t drink to excess, and has ambitions. She’s also a poet.”

  “Not to mention she’s very attractive and don’t tell me you haven’t noticed.”

  “You can’t help but notice.”

  “You’ve done the double-date thing, so what’s next?” Millie asked. She folded up the Chutes and Ladders board and put the player pieces in the box.

  “A second date that is truly a date,” Ruth said. It popped out of her mouth before she’d given it much thought. It must be her subconscious desire.

  “Good. Don’t worry about Cece. She’ll come around to it,” Millie said.

  “Mommy, I’m ready for my story,” Cece called from her bedroom.

  Cece’s room was directly across the hall from Ruth’s. If she and Tamika ever got to the sex stage, they wouldn’t be doing it here. It would be back to sneaking around Cece’s feelings and perhaps losing another girlfriend who wanted more than Ruth could give. The life of a single mother could be so lonely.

  “Duty calls,” Ruth said, sighing.

  “Just know that you’ve got babysitting backup,” Millie said.

  “Thanks again. You’re a lifesaver.” Ruth walked Millie to the door.

  Millie hugged her, whispering in her ear, “Give love a chance.”

  ***

  Cece was sitting up in bed with a book. Ruth thought Cece too old for story time, but Cece didn’t like change. She wanted everything to stay the same. Any change to her routine brought on a temper tantrum.

  “All right, now, where were we?” Ruth said. She took the book from Cece and sat in the rocking chair.

  Cece giggled. “You know where.” She pointed to the bookmark.

  “What if I didn’t put it in the right place?” Ruth teased.

  “I could still find where we are.” Cece pointed to her head. “I have a good memory.”

  “Just like an elephant,” Ruth said. She wished Cece didn’t have such a good memory. Kids needed to get past their childhood traumas. But she couldn’t explain to an eight-year-old that the past was gone, the future hadn’t happened yet and the present was the only thing you could work with. Ruth did her best to live by that nugget of truth, but as the saying goes, easier said than done.

  Cece eased back on her pillow and looked at her mother expectantly. Ruth began to read. She stopped when they got to the end of the chapter and slapped the book shut, saying, “That’s it for tonight, kiddo.”

  Usually, Cece would beg for more and Ruth would relent by starting the next chapter, reading two pages and then stopping. But tonight, Cece raised up on one elbow, squinted one eye at Ruth and
asked, “Mommy, did you go on a date?”

  “What’s makes you say that?” Ruth said in an effort to buy time. Her chest constricted. She didn’t know if she had the energy for this right now.

  “Because you put on perfume and got fixed up nice,” Cece answered.

  “I went to dinner with friends,” Ruth countered lamely.

  “You were nervous, too.” Cece stared at her, those blue eyes seeming to search Ruth’s face for the truth. “Why were you nervous?”

  Starting a relationship with Tamika by lying to her daughter wasn’t a good idea. Ruth decided to tell her the truth. “It was a dinner date with friends and… one special friend was there.”

  Cece’s brow furrowed. “A girlfriend?”

  “Not yet, but maybe. How would you feel about that?”

  “I don’t know,” Cece said. “I’ll sleep on it.” She turned over, facing away from Ruth.

  “Good night, sweetie,” Ruth said. Cece didn’t answer. Ruth clicked off the light and left the room. Well, that didn’t go as -well as she would’ve liked, she thought, making her way to her own bedroom.

  Chapter Nine

  “I don’t think I can do this,” Amy said. She was looking out the large window that faced the lake.

  “We have to be there. No choice,” Parker said, coming up behind Amy and wrapping her arms around her. Amy still stared out at the gloom. Clouds were gathering and the threat of rain seemed imminent.

  “The weather matches the mood,” Amy said.

  “We could’ve chosen a better day,” Parker agreed.

  Amy leaned her head back on Parker’s shoulder. “I can’t imagine ever losing you. My whole world would fall apart. I’d never be the same. We’ve only been together a short time compared to Clara and Mabel who have spent half their lives together. All their stories, their very identities are two parts of a whole. When I think of their losing that, it breaks my heart. I’m going to be a huge mush ball and I don’t see how that’s going to help.”

  “You’re stronger than you think. We need to be there for them. And for the others, too.”