by Vicky Owen
Her eyes focus hard on me. ‘Not everyone has a job they’re crazy about. We don’t all get to follow our dreams. Some of us just need something—something reliable—so we can support ourselves. I have to think long term.’
‘Am I not part of your long term?’
‘Maybe you’ll leave,’ she says quietly.
‘I’m not leaving.’ There’s a knock at the door. The pizza. ‘Look,’ I say, ‘how about we forget about this for tonight? Let’s just watch the film and eat crap and drink this wine?’
She sniffs. ‘OK.’
THIRTY
Luc
‘AT LEAST THINK about it.’
February 15. Walking Lexi to uni the next morning.
‘I just don’t think it’s a good idea,’ she sighs, shifting her bag on her shoulder, looking around. Looking edgy. ‘People are starting to stare,’ she whispers as we stop outside the entrance to the biological sciences building.
‘Fuck ‘em. I’m here with you.’ I put my hands on the sides of her shoulders to get her attention. ‘Hey, you want to do something this weekend?’
She nods. ‘Yeah.’
‘And will you at least meet with Shelly?’
‘OK. But no promises.’
‘Cool.’
She looks at me. So beautiful. Clearly terrified I’m going to just drop her. But how the fuck could I do that when she’s totally bewitched me?
‘I’m not going anywhere,’ I repeat.
‘I’m just trying to be realistic, you know?’ she says.
‘Yeah. But—’
‘Lexi!’ Cerys hurries over from somewhere to my right.
Jake follows behind. We nod.
Someone holds up their phone to take a photo.
‘For fuck’s sake,’ mutters Cerys.
Lexi uses me to shield herself. I tilt her chin up and kiss her. ‘No cameras this weekend. Just us.’
She nods.
‘We should get going. They’ll already be in the lecture theatre,’ says Cerys. Jake grabs her for one final kiss and Lexi scrunches her nose.
‘I’ll text you,’ I tell her before she leaves with Cerys.
I watch her leave. Her sexy wiggle in her tight jeans. Imagining the pink, lacy panties clinging to her ass beneath.
‘Town?’ Jake asks.
We watch until they’re out of sight.
‘Yeah, sure.’ We turn and start heading into town. ‘Where’s your car?’
‘Near town,’ says Jake. ‘I’m going to buy Cerys a game. Well, an expansion. Gave her the game yesterday. The expansion is just an extra surprise.’
‘Nice. What game?’
‘Eldritch Horror. It’s pretty good. We should have a game night. The four of us.’ He shoves his hands in his pockets. ‘Fuck, it’s cold.’
‘Maybe we could rope the guys in,’ I suggest. ‘And Leah.’
Jake scoffs. ‘As if Leah would join us. That would have been like asking Hayley to hang out with us.’
I shrug. ‘She might.’
We stop at a crossing, waiting for the lights to change.
‘Think the game takes up to eight,’ Jake says, checking his phone. ‘Maybe their friend Sam, too?’
I snort. ‘What, pair her up with Harry?!’
Jake shoves his phone back in his pocket. ‘All right. Maybe not. Just the four of us then?’
The lights change and we cross.
‘Anything you need to do in town?’ Jake asks.
‘Not really. Might go look at some cameras.’
‘Oh yeah,’ Jake says, grinning. ‘Harry told me about Lexi shadowing Shelly.’
‘It’s not confirmed yet,’ I say, zipping the front of my hoodie up as a gust of wind hits us head-on. Jake’s right. It’s freezing.
Jake stops walking. ‘Game shop’s down there,’ he says, nodding to his left. ‘Want to meet up back here and we’ll go straight to yours?’
‘Mine?’
‘Yeah. Well, Harry’s. Practice this afternoon.’
‘What?!’ No one told me.
Jake checks his phone again. ‘Yeah. And we’ve got a gig this weekend. Last-minute thing.’
‘Oh.’ Fuck. I run my hand through my hair. Promised Lexi no cameras. Now that’s shot to shit.
Jake interrupts my thoughts. ‘So, twenty minutes?’
‘Uh, yeah. Sure. Twenty minutes.’
Damn it.
I WANDER INTO a large electronics store in the centre of town. I leave the chill of the outdoors behind as I enter the warm interior, filled with screens and music and the heat and buzz of electricity all around.
I spot the cameras towards the back and head straight over.
I’m not entirely sure what I’m looking for. Buying Lexi a camera without letting her choose it herself seems wrong. Like buying an instrument for someone without giving them a chance to test it out first.
Still, I can get an idea of what kind of stuff she might need. Would have been easier to just ask Shelly but I’m here now.
As I look at the cameras, only familiar with some of the features and barely half-sure of the rest, a swish of blonde hair in the next aisle catches my eye.
‘Hayley?’
The short woman turns around to face me.
And it fucking is her, too.
‘Luc. What the fuck are you doing here?’
She’s wearing the store’s uniform.
‘You work here now?’ I ask. Dumb fucking question.
She rolls her eyes at my stupidity. ‘No, this lime green and pale blue piece of shit polo shirt is the latest in haute couture, don’t cha know?’
‘Right. Sorry I asked.’
She comes closer to the shelves. ‘I had to get a fucking job after you dumped me, and this was all I could get!’ she hisses.
‘Couldn’t you go back to medicine?’
‘After I dropped out to be your full-time girlfriend?’ She pauses as another employee walks past, slowing to watch her. Her supervisor, presumably. Plastering on her fakest smile, she picks up an electric toothbrush from the shelves on her side. ‘Is this the sort of thing you were looking for, sir?’ she says to me.
I glance at the supervisor and then back to Hayley. ‘I, uh, yes,’ I take it off her and her superior leaves.
The whole thing is too ridiculous. We both burst into laughter. ‘The fuck was that?’ I ask.
‘I’m still on probation,’ she says, noticeably softer. Then she scowls. ‘This is all your fucking fault, though.’
I run my hands through my hair. ‘I never, not once, said you should quit medicine.’
‘Yeah, well,’ she puts her hands on her hips. ‘Have you and her split up yet?’
‘She has a name.’
‘Just fucking answer my question.’
I sigh. Should have just spoken to Shelly. Not that I had any idea Hayley was working the shelves in this shop nowadays. ‘No,’ I say. ‘Not that it’s any of your business.’
Hayley rolls her eyes. Again. ‘She’s probably just after your money,’ she sniffs.
‘Well you would know, apparently.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?! I loved you!’ Her raised voice causes a few heads to turn. Some manager-looking type starts toward us from the other side of the store. ‘Shit,’ she mutters under her breath.
The manager approaches. ‘Is everything OK here? Sir?’
I smile. ‘We’re good, thanks.’
She gives a stern look at Hayley and sighs. ‘Fine. Let us know if you have any problems,’ she says, smiling at me.
‘Will do.’
She leaves and Hayley looks at me. ‘Thanks,’ she says under her breath, with the least thankful tone I’ve ever heard.
Once I’m sure the manager’s out of earshot again, I lean forward. ‘Our relationship was over way before I actually ended it. You know that.’
Hayley busies herself with the electric toothbrushes.
‘It still really hurt.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘
No you’re not.’
‘Yes,’ I say forcefully. ‘I am. For God’s sake, reapply for medicine.’
‘So everyone on my course can point and laugh at the girl who got dumped by a famous drummer?’ she scoffs. ‘And that’s if I can even get another offer!’
‘Whatever,’ I mutter, shaking my head. ‘Better than being the sales assistant who got dumped by a famous drummer though.’ I look at her meaningfully.
She looks down.
‘Or however you want to fucking spin it. I don’t care,’ I say, before turning to leave.
THIRTY-ONE
Lexi
‘SO YOU’RE MEETING Jake there tonight?’
We’re in my bedroom.
‘Uh-huh.’ Cerys fiddles with her shoe. ‘I wanted to go with you.’
I smile. ‘Thanks.’
‘No problem. So it’s just us tonight?’
‘Yeah.’
We’re silent for a minute while I wriggle into my knee high boots.
‘Is everything OK?’ Cerys asks, shifting on my bed.
I nod. ‘Yeah.’ Then change my mind. ‘Well. I don’t know. I hate all the people taking photos. Hate that everyone probably thinks I’m trying to copy his ex.’
‘What? Who thinks that?’
‘Some girl in my group project. Shannen.’
Cerys snorts. ‘Who gives a fuck what she thinks. You know it’s not true.’
‘Yeah, but…you know how it is.’
I see her nodding out of the corner of my eye as I rummage through my tops.
‘He told me no cameras this weekend,’ I mutter.
‘We can hang out backstage if you want.’ Cerys shrugs. She’s already a pro at this rock star girlfriend thing. ‘What’s this?’
I turn to see her picking up the letter from uni.
She looks at me.
‘PGCE interview offer.’
‘What happened to the School Direct thing?’
‘Fell through, remember?’
She frowns. ‘Oh yeah.’ She’s quiet again for a moment. ‘Wait, I thought you were going to do photography or something? With the band? That’s what Jake told me.’
Word gets around fast. ‘No, Luc just wants me to.’
‘So? You like photography.’
I turn to face her, irritated. ‘Why does everyone say that? Like that’s all there is to it?’
Cerys looks surprised. ‘Sorry.’
For fuck’s sake. ‘No, no. I just…I mean, it’s not that easy, is it? No Reckless already have a photographer. And what would I do when they’re not touring? And what if me and Luc broke up? Or, if we didn’t, but I was a photographer for someone else? It’s just…argh.’ I put my hands on my head.
‘Whoa, calm the fuck down, Lex.’ Cerys stands up and pulls my arms down. ‘One step at a time. What’s the worst that could happen?’
‘I don’t know. That I do it and we break up and then I’m jobless as well as heartbroken.’
‘Why be with him at all if you’re so convinced you’re going to break up?’ Cerys asks softly.
‘I’m not,’ I say in a quiet voice, looking down at my booted feet. ‘I’m just scared. I don’t want to have to fall back on my parents. I don’t want to lose my independence.’
Cerys laughs and pulls me into a hug. ‘That’s not going to happen.’
I nod, not really believing her. I pull back. ‘It’s OK. I said I’d maybe speak to their photographer about shadowing.’
‘Yeah,’ Cerys smiles. ‘One step at a time. You don’t have to commit to anything yet.’
‘Yeah.’
I turn back to the wardrobe to choose a top.
LUC IS, AS always, amazing.
As promised, Cerys hangs out with me backstage, watching from the wings. Luc occasionally looks over and catches my eye.
Sweat is already soaking through his t-shirt.
He’s so hot. Painfully so.
And sweet. Really sweet actually. What is my problem? The guy wants me to go on tour with him and do something I really want with my life. I should be grabbing this opportunity with everything I have.
‘Maybe I’ll cancel that interview,’ I say, barely audible above the music.
He sticks his tongue out, not breaking rhythm even slightly.
Childish, over-talented bastard.
I stick out my tongue in response. He laughs. I melt a bit.
‘You two,’ says Cerys in disgust. ‘Also, I’m really jealous. Jake has to sing to the audience. This is grossly unfair.’ She looks out to the stage. ‘And just plain gross!’ she adds as Luc winks at me.
‘As if you wouldn’t be loving this if it was you and Jake,’ I laugh, nudging her.
She twists her mouth. ‘That’s so not the point.’
‘You’ve got whole songs written about you!’
Cerys huffs and goes to sit on one of the chairs further back from the stage. ‘Hmm. What was that about the interview?’
I follow and sit down next to her. We can still see the band from here. ‘Maybe I’ll cancel it.’
‘You could still do it. See how it goes. But you don’t really want to teach, do you?’
I sigh. ‘No, not really.’
‘When is it?’ she asks, getting her phone out.
‘Next week. Friday.’
She nods. ‘Lots of time to decide.’
AN HOUR LATER, the gig ends, and the guys come backstage.
Jake picks Cerys up. ‘How were we?’
‘Meh.’ She maintains a pretty good poker face considering she was the person who screamed loudest for an encore.
‘Liar,’ he says, laughing.
Luc pulls me into his arms and runs his fingers into my hair.
‘You’re all sweaty!’ I say, wriggling.
His grip on me tightens. ‘Just the way you like it,’ he says in a low, sexy tone.
And, thankfully, he’s holding me, because my legs turn to jelly in response to his voice.
‘Hey, hey, hold it.’
Harry.
‘You two.’ He looks at me. ‘I spoke to Shelly. You and her, Friday, 11am. My place. Sound good?’
Luc turns to me. ‘You OK to miss uni that day?’
I smile and nod. Then I remember. ‘Crap. No. That’s my interview. The PGCE.’
‘Oh shit.’ He turns to Harry. ‘Think we can reschedule?’
Harry shrugs. ‘Sorry mate. That’s all she had.’ He looks at me. ‘PGCE?’
‘Teaching thing.’
He raises an eyebrow at Luc before looking at me again. ‘Sooo…should I cancel the Shelly thing?’
Luc watches me, waiting for my response.
‘I, uh. No. No, keep it. Can I decide closer to the day?’
‘Sure,’ Harry says, smiling. He looks at Luc again before walking over to help the roadies.
Luc looks at me, wiping a strand of hair from my face. ‘Look. Whatever you want is fine with me. But I really really want you to come on tour. And I really really want you to be happy, doing something you love.’
I let him pull me into his arms.
This decision should be easy.
It’s fucking obvious what I should do.
I can decide later.
IT TAKES ME until Friday morning to decide.
I’m up at seven, feeling sick with nerves. Dressed and ready by nine. Nowhere to go until ten, and even that’ll be early. So I boot up my laptop.
I set an alarm, deciding to play some Tetris online for a bit to calm myself down.
Of course I end up on Facebook. Twitter. And, like a masochist, I go looking for No Reckless news.
Scrolling down, there’s some stuff about Gethin and Leah.
The gig last weekend.
No photos of me, thankfully.
Luc! Playing drums. I pause on that for a moment, enjoying the view from a different angle.
I’ve seen him from all angles anyway, though.
And closer than anyone, I think, continuing to scroll. Except—
&n
bsp; What the hell?
Another of Luc. In some shop. With Hayley.
Yeah. Closer than anyone except her.
They’re laughing about something.
I glance down at the date.
February 15.
After he walked me to uni he went to town to see Hayley?
A strange, horrible feeling twists inside my gut. Jealousy, I guess. I thought he never wanted to see her again. What are they laughing at?
I enlarge the photo. Because why not make it even worse, right?
She’s wearing some hideous polo shirt.
Oh. Does she work there now? I thought she had a medicine degree or something?
This is what will happen if you don’t get your own, independent career.
They’re standing over some cameras. Are they laughing at me?
I roll my eyes at myself. Don’t be stupid, Lexi.
I close the photo and click away from the page.
This isn’t good for me. Seeking out photos. Seeing Luc with his ex. Seeing his over-qualified ex stacking shelves.
Putting all my eggs in one brittle basket.
‘WE WEREN’T SURE you were coming! Have a seat.’
‘Thanks.’ I sit in the weird little science classroom replica. I was expecting to be interviewed in an office or something. I thought the teaching theory would be taught in lecture theatres.
‘So, I’m Gillian French. I teach the biology pathway for secondary PGCE. Just think of this as a nice, informal chat.’
I nod, smiling. It’s OK. I can do this.
‘Right.’ She opens a folder containing a thick wad of forms and pops some half-moon specs on. ‘So tell me, Alexis, why do you want to teach?’
‘Well,’ I start, ‘I like working with kids, and I love science, and I…’
I pause.
I don’t know. I can’t remember. It seems so far away now.
There’s been so much since I last thought about teaching in any real way.
Luc and me.
Luc and Hayley.
Lexi the replica.
‘Yes?’ Gillian looks at me over her glasses.
My phone buzzes in my pocket. It’s been buzzing since ten forty-five. Three hours now. I know who it is. I can’t speak to him. Can’t tell him that I bailed on Shelly because of that stupid photo. That I can’t risk it all. That Sam might be right, and all rock star guys are the same. That I’ll be tossed aside and left with nothing.