by Vicky Owen
Because even though she hasn’t said it since before the first gig, I know that’s what Sam thinks.
Maybe that’s what happened with Hayley.
I won’t let it happen to me.
I open my mouth to give a better answer.
‘Alexis, you’re clearly wasting my time here.’ Gillian takes her glasses off and puts her pen down.
‘What?!’ I say, panicked.
‘Well, I asked you a simple question and all you managed were some platitudes before drifting off.’
‘No, I—’
‘If this interview is too much then I’m afraid teaching isn’t for you.’ She studies my face. ‘You don’t want to teach really, do you?’
I look down at my hands in my lap. ‘No.’
She snaps her folder shut. ‘So don’t teach then. It’s not a profession for the half-hearted.’
‘But I don’t know what else to do!’
Gillian leans back in her classroom chair. ‘And how old are you?’
‘Twenty-three, nearly.’
She laughs. ‘You’ve got plenty of time! Get out. See the world. Don’t waste your time doing something you don’t actually want to do.’ With that, she stands, picks up her folder, and heads for the door. ‘Come on, off you go.’
And like a naughty schoolchild, I exit the classroom.
Dismissed.
No PGCE.
No Luc. Not really. I can’t see him now. Not after that photo. I don’t want to hear his excuse for why he lied to me about never wanting to see her again.
I walk through the corridors, not really knowing where to go from here.
It’s not like we ever made it official anyway. Easier to just end it now, before he leaves. Before I give up everything and end up with nothing.
At least this way I’m not a crazy ex who he has to make go away by using some other girl as his fake girlfriend.
THIRTY-TWO
Lexi
‘THREE AMARETTO SOURS.’
The guy behind the bar points to a sign behind him. ‘It’s two for one tonight.’
Cerys looks at me and Sam and we nod. Grinning, she turns back to the bartender. ‘Make it six then!’
She pays on her card and the bartender informs us they’ll bring the drinks over to our table.
‘Not sure I’ve ever had an Amaretto Sour,’ Sam says as we sit down.
‘Yeah, well, I’m not sure I’ve ever seen you in such a sexy dress, Ms Lowry,’ Cerys says, winking at her.
Sam laughs, running a hand down the front of her almost-black blue dress. ‘Well. Cocktails. Thought I should dress up.’
‘Don’t think I’ve had an Amaretto Sour either,’ I add.
Cerys sighs with faux exasperation. ‘You guys!’
‘And since when do you drink Amaretto Sours?’ I ask, leaning forward so I can reach down and adjust my shoe.
‘Date with Jake.’
Sam and I look at each other.
‘Oh yeah?’ Sam says. ‘Is that how he got you into bed?’
Cerys hesitates. ‘Well, no. Not exactly.’ She pauses and we wait. ‘We had them and I got a bit tipsy. But then he switched us to water so I wouldn’t be too drunk.’
A member of staff arrives with our six Amaretto Sours and places all of them on the table. Two each.
Sam picks hers up and almost takes a sip before Cerys intervenes.
‘Wait! Wait.’ She picks her own up. I do the same. She raises her glass and says, ‘To the end of uni!’
‘To the end of uni!’ Sam and I chorus, and we clink before trying a sip.
It’s like drinking some kind of weird Cherry Bakewell. Good kind of weird though. Marzipan or something.
‘It’s good,’ Sam says, nodding.
‘Right?’ says Cerys.
‘Not really the end of uni, is it though? I’m doing medicine. You’re doing a PhD. Lexi’s doing her PGCE.’ Sam looks at me. ‘You never said how the interview went. Two weeks ago, wasn’t it?’
Right. That.
Cerys looks confused. ‘I thought you were doing the photography thing?’
I shake my head.
‘You decided on the PGCE?’ she asks.
I inhale deeply. ‘Not exactly.’
They both look at me, waiting for me to explain.
‘I was going to do the photography thing. Then I saw photos of Luc with his ex. Laughing in some shop. Taken that day Luc and Jake were at uni with us,’ I say, looking at Cerys for the last part.
Cerys nods. Sam frowns.
‘So that made me feel really stupid, you know? He told me he never wanted to see her again. He never even mentioned it.’
‘Maybe he just bumped into her,’ Cerys shrugs.
‘Then why keep it a secret?’
Sam looks at her drink.
‘Anyway,’ I carry on, ‘it wasn’t just that. She was wearing the uniform of the shop. Obviously working there. I mean, this girl was doing medicine when she got with Luc, then they break up and she’s stacking shelves in some shop? It’s like she just threw away her degree.’
Sam nods slightly.
Cerys looks at me. ‘So you broke up with Luc? Jake never even said. He—Luc—came over the other day to see you! I thought you were still together.’
‘No. No. I haven’t returned his calls. His texts. I just thought it would be easier.’
‘But you’re totally smitten with each other. Jake said he’s never seen him so into someone.’
I bristle. ‘It’s not just the shop thing! There were photos in the press comparing me to Hayley. He doesn’t think I should teach—’
‘You shouldn’t teach. You don’t even want to teach.’ Surprisingly, the voice is Sam’s this time.
Cerys and I both look at her.
Sam takes a sip of her drink. ‘Well you don’t,’ she continues. ‘I don’t know about the whole ex-girlfriend thing, and I know you’d be a great teacher, but you don’t want to do it. You always seem really, I don’t know, dejected when you talk about it.’ She stirs her drink with her skinny straw. ‘Trust me,’ she says, ‘you have one life. Don’t spend it doing something you hate.’ She gives me a look of experience, and I look down.
‘Yeah. Well. Too late for teaching now anyway,’ I say to the drink in front of me.
‘Why?’ says Cerys.
‘Failed the interview.’ I look at Sam. ‘Think she shared your psychic abilities. She practically booted me out less than four minutes after I arrived.’
‘Ouch!’
‘Yeah.’ I sigh. ‘So I have no idea what I’m doing after graduation. My parents are going to kill me.’
‘So do the photography thing,’ says Cerys, beaming. ‘You can come on tour!’
‘I can’t! Not after those photos. Not after ignoring him all this time. He’s probably moved on by now.’ Just the thought of him moving on hurts.
‘You think he’s given up after two weeks?’ Cerys says. ‘I told you, he came around like two or three days ago. I was wondering why you’d been spending so much time at uni lately.’
‘Yeah, I think you’re overreacting,’ says Sam.
I’m agog. ‘You think I’m overreacting?’
Sam shrugs. ‘Well yeah. And you should do the photography thing.’
I open my mouth to speak but she holds up a hand to stop me.
‘And don’t give me that crap about how you don’t want to or whatever. We’ve all suffered through your endless damn photos. This year was the first time I ever saw you out without the camera. And that’s only because you’d martyred yourself to the idea of teaching.’
Cerys bursts into laughter. ‘Woo! Check out Sam laying all the truths down on you.’
‘No. Wait. Hang on. You’re the one, back in October, who was saying all rock stars are the same.’
‘Doesn’t matter what I said. Maybe you two got lucky. Whatever. Just give him a call.’
I frown. I could. I get my phone out and pass it back and forth between my hands.
; ‘Hello ladies!’ Jake’s voice startles me.
‘You’re not supposed to be here!’ Cerys scolds him.
‘And hello to you, cutie,’ he says, putting his arm around her. ‘Amaretto Sours!’ He takes a sip of Cerys’.
I look around to see if Luc is with him, heart pounding in my chest. Jake catches my eye. ‘He’s not here,’ he says.
‘Oh.’
I frown at my phone.
‘How many messages?’ Jake asks. I look up and he nods at the phone in my hand. ‘From Luc?’
‘At least one every day,’ I say quietly.
‘Missed calls?’
‘Those too.’
Jake whistles. ‘Breaking all his damn rules for you.’
‘Then why didn’t he come?’ I demand.
Jake shrugs. ‘Think maybe he wants to leave the ball in your court. Didn’t want to put you in a bad position tonight if you didn’t want to see him. Didn’t want to risk spoiling your night out.’
That Luc thinks he could spoil my night out just by turning up breaks my heart a bit.
‘Maybe he should have risked it,’ Sam teases, watching me closely.
Jake wraps his arms around Cerys from behind, resting his chin lightly on her shoulder. ‘So what did he do?’
I just shake my head and look down. Don’t want to talk about this again.
But when I don’t speak, Cerys does. ‘His ex.’
‘Thought so. Well,’ he corrects himself, standing up straighter now as I look back up, ‘Harry figured as much. He saw the photo on Twitter.’
I shake my head. ‘I can’t call him,’ I say. ‘Not after this long. It feels like Hayley is always going to be there in the background. Me being compared to her. Luc seeing her. I feel like some weird third wheel to it all.’
‘Not if Harry has anything to say about it,’ Jake says. He looks at me. ‘You should speak to Harry.’
JAKE TELLS ME when the coast is clear. Luc is over at his place, working out or something. Which is how, at ten on a Monday morning when I should be in a bioethics lecture with Cerys and Sam, I’m instead standing outside Harry’s house.
I press the doorbell.
It feels wrong to be here without Luc. I keep expecting him to appear.
Someone inside starts opening the door and I tense up, expecting to see Luc on the other side. Like the whole thing has been a huge trick.
I wouldn’t even complain if it was.
But it’s Harry.
‘Lexi,’ he smiles. He stands aside and gestures for me to enter. The noise of the door shutting behind me makes me jump. ‘Oops. Sorry. Come on.’ He indicates towards the sofa.
I sit down, feeling hugely exposed in this big open space.
‘Luc will fucking kill all of us if he finds out about this,’ Harry says, sitting opposite me.
‘All of us?’
‘Well. Maybe not you or Cerys. But definitely me, Jake and Gethin.’
‘Gethin knows?’
‘Yeah.’ Harry crosses one leg under his body. He looks surprisingly relaxed for someone facing a potentially imminent death sentence. ‘So, this is about Hayley?’
I nod. ‘Well. Luc too,’ I add.
‘Why do you give a fuck about what Hayley thinks?’
‘I don’t, but she’s, like, inescapable.’
Harry laughs. ‘Yeah, she seems that way. I run a lot of interference to keep her away from Luc. He doesn’t know the half of it. He doesn’t need to be dealing with that shit.’
I’m confused. ‘Interference?’
He nods. ‘Yeah, she’d be camping outside this fucking house if she had her way. Or she would have, before she saw you here with him on New Year’s Eve.’
‘She was here?’ I didn’t even know.
‘Yeah. Not for long though. She really kicked off when she saw you guys together, and she hasn’t been back since.’
‘But how was he with her the other week?’
He shrugs. ‘I can’t keep track of everything. Guess she finally got a job, though.’
‘He looked like he was having fun.’
Harry shakes his head. ‘I know one of the guys who works there and I have other photos from another person I know.’ He reaches into his back pocket. ‘Look,’ he says, handing me five photos. ‘She was mostly being her usual crazy loon self.’
I leaf through them. These ones don’t look so happy. She’s gritting her teeth. Luc’s not even looking at her for the most part. ‘Why not post these online?’ I ask.
‘And give her even more publicity?’
Right.
‘And this photography thing,’ he goes on. ‘I’ve seen your photos. The ones you took. He keeps them in his room next to the bed. Shelly—the woman you were supposed to meet—she said they’re easily the work of an early professional. I can still get you a meeting with her if you want?’
‘But won’t Luc just think I’m crazy now too?’
Harry snorts. ‘No. Fuck, Lexi. I’ve got a fucking kitchen full of tea which I’m guessing is your influence.’
I look down to hide my smile, but he ducks his head to see me.
‘I’m right, aren’t I? He’s never spent so much time with anyone. Never just turned up to surprise someone at Christmas. And that was before you guys started fucking, from what I can tell.’
I can feel my cheeks turning pink.
‘Don’t worry. The walls here are thick,’ he teases.
Oh dear God. Now I really am blushing.
‘This whole photography thing was his idea. Probably why he was in that fucking shop she works in.’ Harry reaches over and points out the cameras in the photos.
‘What if I end up like Hayley, though?’ I ask.
Harry shakes his head. ‘You won’t. You’re actually going to finish your degree for a start.’
I frown. ‘She didn’t finish her degree?’
‘No,’ he scoffs. ‘Dropped out as soon as Luc started making money. Wanted to be a trophy girlfriend.’
‘Oh.’
Harry leans forward. ‘She’s nothing like you, Lexi. You’ll still be working. In your dream job, right? So even if it did all go horribly wrong—which it won’t—you’d still have a career.’
‘But—’
‘Yeah, yeah, I know. I know. Creative jobs aren’t guaranteed in the same way as other jobs.’
I raise my eyebrows at him. ‘Yeah. That.’
He shrugs. ‘So fucking what? Just give it a go.’ He pauses and looks at me. ‘At least think about it. The photography thing. We don’t leave until June, so you’ve got until then to decide.’
I nod. ‘Thanks.’
‘No problem.’
I look at the photos in my hand.
‘He’s fucking crazy about you.’
I don’t really believe it, but I nod anyway.
‘Don’t make him wait forever, though.’
THIRTY-THREE
Luc
‘WHERE’S GETHIN?’
Harry sits on the back of his sofa, watching the chaos unfold. ‘Fuck knows. I blame Leah.’
Always Leah.
Jake stops picking through bits of drum kit for a moment. ‘So should we pack his stuff?’
Harry shrugs.
It’s leaving day. Packing for the Reckless Miseducation tour.
Gethin’s MIA and Jake still needs to get Cerys.
And still no Lexi.
I check my phone for the thousandth time. Nothing.
‘Oh hang on. Think I’m getting a call,’ says Jake, pulling his phone out of his pocket. ‘It’s Geth.’ He slides a finger across the screen and holds the handset to his ear. ‘Where the fuck are you?’
Harry and I pause, watching. There’s still a snare drum in one of my hands as I shove my phone back in my pocket. Don’t suppose I’ll be hearing anything from her this morning.
‘Oh, man. That’s fucked up. You OK?’ Jake turns away. ‘Uh-huh…right. Yeah, yeah that’s fine. OK, take care man. See you over there.’ Jake hangs up and tur
ns back to us.
‘Leah?’ asks Harry.
Jake nods, sighing. ‘Something like that. He’s meeting us there in a few days. Said to just pack his stuff.’
Harry jumps off the sofa. ‘Right, I’ll get his guitar.’ He heads down to the basement to get the lone instrument left down there.
‘Want a hand?’ Jake says to me, picking up the cymbals and heading to the van before I can answer.
We pack the last pieces of drum kit in silence.
After we’re done, Jake turns to me. ‘So, have you heard anything?’
‘Nope.’ I shake my head. ‘Fucking Hayley,’ I mutter. I could fucking kill her.
‘Have you tried contacting her?’
I shake my head. ‘Exams. End-of-year stuff. She doesn’t need the distraction.’
Harry exits the house carrying one of Gethin’s many guitars. ‘He’s got the others. I presume he’ll bring another one himself,’ he says, putting it in the back of the van. ‘Is this the last of it?’
‘Yep,’ says Jake.
‘So we’re ready?’
I nod.
They look at me.
‘How’re you holding up?’ Harry says, putting a hand on my shoulder.
I’m not, really. I feel sick, truth be told. Obviously I don’t say that. ‘Yeah. Yeah. Just want to get going, you know?’ I look at Jake. ‘Any word from Cerys?’
‘She’s been waiting for a while. Getting angsty over there. I keep telling her we’ve got plenty of time, but I think she’s eager to get going.’
‘Her first tour,’ Harry says. ‘She’ll love it.’
She’d probably like it more with Lexi there, I think.
So would I.
And, fuck it, Lexi would love it, too.
Harry rubs his hands together. ‘Right. Ready?’
‘Yeah,’ Jake says.
I nod.
Ready as I’ll ever be.
THIRTY-FOUR
Lexi
LAST EXAM.
And late. Again.
I blame Cerys. If she wasn’t leaving to go on tour with Jake, it would have been easier to leave on time today. He’s picking her up later. Along with the rest of them, I guess.