Leap

by M. R. Joseph

  I cry. The tears run down my face like I’ve been saving them up for years. And I have. I really have.

  “Mack, I love you. It’s always been you. I didn’t want to love you like that, but I couldn’t help it.” A sigh of relief comes from him, and any tension I felt from his body withers away.

  We kiss and hold each other, and it feels so good and it feels so right. Nothing has ever felt so complete.

  “When, Mack?” I whisper to him, still clinging onto his neck.

  “When what, Rinny?” he whispers back and kisses the shell of my ear.

  “When did you love me?”

  “Always, Rinny. I’ve loved you always.”

  I pull away slightly so I can see him. He moves his hands up my body to hold my face in his hands, smiling at me and rubbing the tip of his nose to mine.

  “Always? I don’t understand, Mack. When did always begin?”

  His hands cup my face, and his legs widen their stance. He is so focused on my eyes that when I stare right back at him, I’m not sure if this is a dream, or if I’m actually here and he’s really looking at me like this.

  “I loved you like I was supposed to at first. Like family, but that night when we had sex, afterwards I was confused. I wasn’t sure I did the right thing, but what was so confusing was it felt right. We went to school. I saw other girls. You saw other guys, and it drove me crazy.” I let out a laugh and the side of Mack’s mouth rises up. Almost in a smile but not exactly.

  I kiss his cheek, then his chin, then his other cheek.

  “And then what?”

  He returns the favor and does the same. Pausing his kisses in between his words.

  “I was jealous. I was scared to be jealous. I didn’t think it was right for me to be that way. Owen had a crush on you so I couldn’t tell him how I was feeling. Then I found your journal after Veronica and me … well. And I was going to talk to you about it but then …”

  “We all know how that turned out.”

  A soft kiss is placed on my lips. “Yes, we do. But look what we got out of it.”

  I hug him so tightly because if it weren’t for that night, Haven wouldn’t be here.

  “I wish you would have told me. I wish I had told you sooner. Things are a mess, Mack.”

  “No, baby, they’re not. We can fix anything. I know I screwed things up by keeping in my feelings. I hated you with anyone and when I saw you and Justin together, just knowing what you guys were going to be doing, I couldn’t stand it. I’ve hated myself these past few months. I’ll never forgive myself for treating you the way I did. I miss you so much. Haven misses you. I just … I can’t live without you, Rinny.”

  He could say those words a thousand times, and I would never grow tired of hearing them.

  When a fire ignites inside you and a desire for more is overwhelming, you do what comes naturally. You take the hem of the man’s shirt with whom you want to make love to and lift it up not ever-so-gently either and you pant when you see his body in the glow of light coming from your childhood bedroom lamp. You stand there like I am and you take in the sight of him. Every hard plain of muscle and flesh and smooth taut skin. You allow your hands to travel over those plains and explore. You remember that right here in this very room, he took your virginity out of pity, but nonetheless, you fell in love with him that day. And those years ago he was a boy turning into a man, but looking at him now with very adult eyes, he is a man.

  And he loves me.

  I wait for Mack to make the next move. I silently beg him to touch me, but he stands like a scared schoolboy, so I take matters into my own hands. I lift off his old BU shirt over my head, revealing my bare chest to him. It’s kind of funny how a man can go from looking so lovingly into your eyes, to straight towards your naked chest. But that’s okay. I take his hands and place them on me. The tips of his fingers touch my nipples and Mack lets out a sigh. Gooseflesh prickles onto my skin, and I drop my head back as I feel the warmth of his mouth and tongue on them. My chest heaves up and down. His hands find my neck and reach up to grab the back of it. He lifts up his head and kisses me. Our flesh collides and sparks ignite.

  There’s no time to waste. I whisper to him, “Be inside me. Need you inside me, Mack.”

  When Mack is inside me, and I feel every inch of him buried there, I know without a shadow of a doubt that the moon is where it’s supposed to be.

  He pushes in and pulls out easily. Mack clasps our hands together so our fingers connect, and every moan of pleasure is never too much or too little. It’s so different when it’s love. It’s real.

  I switch things up and roll us over and I ride him. I’m the one in control now. I hold onto his chest and feel every inch of him, deeply. I go from kissing him, to tickling his face and neck with the strands of my hair. He takes a handful and grips it.

  He speaks softly in my ear about how he loves me. I’m the love of his life. He’ll never let me go again. He’ll always be here. He’ll always be mine.

  When I let go, and he follows behind me, the world tilts, and something pulls my focus. I collapse on him and just let him hold me and love me. I never want to move. I don’t want to disconnect our bodies. I want to stay in this spot forever.

  I lie here naked with Mack. The boy from next door. My best friend. Now what’s better than that? Falling in love with your best friend and him falling in love with you.

  Nothing.

  After a few more times of expressing how much we love each other, we figured out all the logistics. I move back in the apartment. We tell Haven we’re in love. We tell our parents we’re in love. Maybe we get married someday. Maybe we live like this for a while. Maybe we have more kids. I adopt Haven if her grandmother allows it. We work. We play. We laugh, and we vacation. We raise Haven and live in peace and happiness. We live in love with each other, building a good life. We tackle any problems that may arise. We get through the hard stuff.

  CORRINE ~ PRESENT DAY

  Owen pours the coffee. The sun rises and we see it come through the kitchen window. I haven’t slept. Owen heard me crying in the kitchen.

  “None of this was supposed to happen, Owen. We never really fought except for him going on assignment. I asked him to stop for Haven and me. I asked him to sit behind a desk and read the news. Not be the news.”

  Owen hands me my coffee and magically a glass of juice and my pill case appears. I look up at Owen angrily.

  He snickers. “You can look at me like that all you want, Corrine, but you still have to take them.” He hands me half of a plain, non-toasted bagel, orders me to eat it and then down the pills.

  “Mack always had his own ideas on what he needed to do. Some things were wrong, some right.”

  I rub my sore and tired eyes with the palms of my hands.

  “Yeah, well, the last one was a wrong one. Remember when he went to Haiti? I didn’t hear from him for four days. All I did was vomit. No one at the network wanted to hear from me because there wasn’t a fear of death. Now what do you think?”

  Owen sips his coffee and puts his feet up on the kitchen table.

  “I think we sit and wait for confirmation, Corrine.”

  “You think he’s dead, don’t you?”

  He takes his feet down and leans over and takes my hands in his.

  “I don’t know. I want to tell you something different than that, Corrine, but I just … I don’t know, sweetie.”

  Tears fall. I should be all dried up by now but I’m not. It’s so quiet. It’s so early. My baby girl is still sleeping, and Mom and Jocelyn haven’t come back from Jocelyn’s house yet. Dad went for a walk along the beach and I wish I could have gone with him.

  “I think you need to think about where you go from here with Haven. I wouldn’t send her to school. I wouldn’t let her go to crazy Grandma’s house, and I’d keep her away from Mrs. Cooper too.”

  I throw my hands up in frustration. “Then what do I do with the kid, Owen? Tell me? I can’t have her sit here with all of us lo
oking like zombies waiting for someone to tell us they found his body. For fuck’s sake, Owen.”

  “Rinny?”

  Haven appears at the doorway of the kitchen rubbing her eyes.

  “Hi, Uncle Owen.” She goes to his wide spread arms and he wraps her into a hug.

  “Did you sleep over last night?”

  Owen and I look at one another. “Um, yep. I came into town for a meeting but it was canceled so I called Corrine last night and asked if I could come and take you for the day.”

  She looks confused. “But I have school today.”

  Owen motions his head to me, beckoning me to take the lead from here.

  “Not today, baby. You don’t get to see Uncle Owen that much so he wants to spend time with you. So today is hooky day, but let’s keep it between us, okay?”

  Haven nods, but there’s still an uncertainty in her eyes.

  “I heard you yell, Rinny. Are you okay?”

  I tap my lap for her to come and sit with me. She comes and perches herself on my knee, and I smooth out her unruly hair and kiss her head.

  “I’m fine, baby. Why don’t you go brush your teeth and get ready to go with Uncle Owen.” She yawns and makes her way back upstairs.

  “I owe you one.” He gets up and kisses the top of my head.

  “You don’t owe me anything, Corrine. I’m going to go shower.” He walks out and I sit here, clutching this cup of coffee alone. More lies and temporary fixes. Less truth and more hiding the undeniable pain. More of me thinking what if. What if, every time Mack asked me to marry him, I said yes just once? I gave him ultimatum after ultimatum, and as the state of the world got worse, the quicker my answer got. Now? Not sure what my answer would be. He wanted to do a great service to his country but he did a disservice to his family. I think to how the ups and downs brought us to today. There were mostly the ups, but as I sit here, this is the biggest down. Why didn’t he stay? I begged him that last night. I cried to him as we slept with each other, I begged him not to leave Haven and me. It wasn’t worth it. The fear and the risks. I hung onto him that night like I wasn’t going to see him again. Call it a premonition of sorts, I don’t know. I don’t know anything. I wish I had an answer. I wish I had him here. I wish I’d gotten sick before he left. He wouldn’t have left if I were. He couldn’t. So this stupid disease would have caused pain either way. If I were sick before he left and he stayed, he’d find out the probability of more kids wasn’t much of an option, and he would eventually have a wife who couldn’t walk. A wife who would inevitably lose the control of her bowels and bladder and her ability to speak or swallow. He’d have a wife in a wheelchair. He’d sit and watch me wither away to nothing. Who would want to love me then? Would he love me then? Why would anyone want to stay with someone who is cursed? Maybe it’s better if he’s dead. He wouldn’t have to live his life watching me suffer. Would he even stay with me? Maybe it would all be too much for him. Maybe I’m the one better off dead. Maybe I’m the one who should be. I’ve never thought about it till this moment. Killing myself. I know I can’t. It’s all because of Haven. That’s why I don’t have the guts to do it. And I’m not selfish. I also think I’m a walking contradiction. I’m angry because that night Mack was selfish and he left us. Why did he leave us?

  TWO HUNDRED THREE DAYS AGO

  The routine before Mack goes on assignment is one I’m quite familiar with. I always take a sick day from the magazine the day before he leaves. We take Haven out for breakfast, then bring her to school. We go home and pack his things. We make love, stop to eat, and make love again. Argue over him leaving, him asking me to marry him, and me refusing until he tells me he’s taking a desk job. Opportunity after opportunity for him to be on camera at a cozy desk in one of the Manhattan news studios comes and goes like the seasons. Today is different though. I woke up with so many uneasy feelings. I don’t say much to him. I get ready for our day. He gets Haven ready for her day. I listen to them laugh and goof around as I sit and read the news on my phone. A sickness washes over me as I read about the spot in Syria he’s going to so he can cover a story about how there are a group of soldiers helping refugees build a new school for their young when theirs was torn apart by the war.

  The two of them come out smiling and happy. Me not so much.

  “Hey, Rinny, Daddy says when he gets back we’re going to talk with the travel agent to see where we should go for vacation. He said we should think about a few places to go while he’s away. Cool, right?” She looks so excited and I try to act just the same, but it’s difficult.

  “Yep, sounds good, baby girl.”

  Mack comes behind my chair and wraps his arms around me. He places a small kiss on my neck, then my ear. “Maybe a place with a beach and your parents can come, and my mom, and Lizzie, and Owen, and maybe a justice of the peace would be there, too. Thoughts?” I know what he’s getting at, and like so many other times he says shit like this, I’m not biting, so I stay silent and he feels my coldness.

  He releases me and grabs Haven’s backpack. “Well then, kiddo, let’s get going.” I stand up and brush by him as I rest my empty coffee cup in the sink and grab my purse.

  We have breakfast and walk Haven to her school. I watch their interactions. I study the way they are with each other. So playful, so full of love, and carefree. I see with each assignment he goes on, Haven having to say goodbye to him gets harder and harder. We spend as much time with her as we can. A lot of weekends she goes with Veronica’s mother, but she’s nuts and neither one of us feel as though she’s a good influence on Haven, but we don’t have a choice. Biologically, she’s connected to her; she’s the only living person that is a part of her daughter. She has the right to see her granddaughter. Mack’s very fair about it. Even some holidays. He feels as though he owes Haven the chance to know her mother’s side of the family.

  We both kiss her goodbye and wish her a good day. Tonight we’ll have dinner at our favorite Italian place and then when the sun rises he’ll be gone again.

  “Do you want to go shopping or something?” I walk straight ahead not even glancing his way. I just answer.

  “I still have a load of laundry to do before I finish packing for you, so no, I just want to go home.” I keep walking towards our building.

  I go right up to the apartment and head for the bedroom. He follows me in, and I gather up some stuff to be washed.

  He leans against the doorway of our bedroom.

  “So are we going to just play charades today? Am I supposed to guess why you’re being like this or are you just going to tell me?”

  I fling his suitcase up onto the bed and hastily open it and start shoving stuff into it.

  “I’m fine. I have things to do. Why don’t you make sure you have all your credentials and I’ll do what I have to do in here?”

  Mack walks over and shuts the lid to the suitcase and turns me by the shoulders towards him.

  “I have nothing to do except find out what the problem is, Corrine. Talk to me, babe.”

  I dip my chin, unable to look at him. “Don’t go.”

  He pulls me in close and holds me. Mack’s arms are the safest spot to be in. That’s why I don’t want him to go.

  “I have to, Rinny. This is a short trip. A day to get there, two days to do the story, three tops, a day to get home, then it’s all about editing the story. You know how this goes.”

  I push out of his arms. “I know exactly how this goes, and I don’t want it anymore. I don’t want to feel this fear every time you leave. I can’t do this, Mack. I can’t. Every single time it gets harder.”

  “Rinny, if I were a solider I wouldn’t have a choice. I’d have to go.”

  “But you do have a choice, Mack. Take the damn desk job and stop risking your life.”

  He sits on the corner of the bed and runs his hand through his hair and sighs.

  “I feel like this is Groundhog Day or something. It’s the same conversation lately. This is my job, Corrine. I have a duty
. I get paid a lot of money to do this. Haven will never have to pay a student loan for college like we did. We don’t have to struggle. We live in one of the nicest buildings in Manhattan. You walk around with designer handbags and jewelry, and I hear no complaints.”

  When I find one of the said designer handbags on the chair near the doorway, I pick it up and throw it at his head. He fumbles with it and scrambles from the bed towards me. I hold up my hands and push at him when he reaches me.

  “Fuck you, Mack. I could give a shit about handbags and jewelry. I care about us. That’s all. And for the record, I never asked for anything you’ve ever given me. They’re presents. Material things that I don’t want. All I want is you, Mack. When is it going to get through your head that every time you walk out that door on an assignment, you put your life on the line? Why do you find it necessary to do that? If you can’t stop because I’m asking you to, stop for your daughter.”

  His hand cups the side of my cheek and his eyes look at me with such a tender expression.

  “Babe, I am doing this for her. I’m doing this for you, my mom, the memory of my dad, and for the thousands of people who have lost their lives because of those bastards. I know it’s hard for you to understand but the grief and anger I experienced when my father died rules something in me. It’s my calling. I need answers to such a senseless tragedy. I have to try to make a difference.”

  The tears slip from my eyes as I hear his monologue. I place my hand on top of his and lean into his palm more. Wetness from my eyes falls onto his skin, and I choke back a sob. I look up at him, longing to make him understand.

  “You make a difference every day, Mack. You make a difference to Haven and me. We should be enough.”

  There’s a look in his eyes like he understands, but there’s a part of him I can see through.

  Without knowing what to say next, I remove his hand from my face and walk away. Carefully, I place the dry cleaning I picked up for him yesterday in his suitcase. There aren’t words. Only this very sick feeling inside my belly. Deep within the caverns of my soul, I can’t explain this feeling of dread. I should be used to feeling like this, but I’m not.