Leap

by M. R. Joseph

  Each day gets harder and harder. Every day when there’s no word about Mack, it pulls me down. So far down sometimes I don’t think I can ever climb back up. There’s no God. If there were, this life, or lack of wouldn’t exist. I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself. I’m tired of lying to Haven. I’m tired of it all. I want Mack, God dammit. I just want him to hold me and tell me that everything will be okay. Will life ever be okay again?

  CORRINE ~ IT’S BEEN THREE DAYS SINCE

  I had a dream last night. A beautiful dream. We were on our beach. The one near our homes. Me, Mack, and Haven. I was walking fine. I could see out of both eyes. We were all dressed in white. The crystal blue waters were at our feet. Haven was splashing around us as our feet sunk into the sand. Mack kept telling me he loved me and he was so happy. He stopped me so he could kiss me. I reached up to touch his scar because I wanted to tell him I’m sorry for not marrying him, but it wasn’t there. There was no scar. Just his simple, beautiful face. I look down at my belly and it’s round and swollen. Mack’s hand is on it and he rubs it in circles. He tells me he can’t wait to meet the little part of him and the little part of me. Haven runs over and kisses my belly. She seems so excited as she whispers to the baby growing inside me to come out soon.

  I know it was a dream because all of those things will never happen. Even if Mack were here—children are not recommended with my condition. I didn’t want to wake up. I didn’t want the dream to mean a lot of things. Especially that he was perfect and in heaven. He didn’t have his scar. I think about that. Is it a silent meaning that we are perfect when we die? There are no flaws or marks on us. Or does it mean I never had anything to be sorry for. I wanted to keep walking on that beach and live our lives happy and healthy. I wanted to live in that dream.

  There won’t be a casket. Just a memorial service. That’s what has been decided. A week from now, everyone who loved Mack will say goodbye to him. I’m not prepared for today. I’m not prepared to tell Haven he’s gone. I’m not prepared to tell Owen he has to eulogize his best friend. I’m not ready for this. I’m not ready to live my life without him. Sometimes it’s the inevitable that we’re not prepared for. We’re all destined for something in life. Maybe this is how it’s all supposed to be. Maybe this was the path of life that was chosen for all of us. Maybe it was all part of the master plan. The night after Mack read my journal, Veronica told him she was pregnant. That’s why he didn’t approach me about what I had written. Then she died and Haven was Mack’s responsibility. Then she became mine because I wanted her. Maybe it was the plan all along. 9/11, John dying, Mack becoming a journalist and wanting to find answers because he thought he owed that to his father. This was his journey. My journey was to keep loving him even when I didn’t know he loved me and be a good mother for Haven. Quite possibly all the cards were lined up for us from day one. All of us. Maybe I was only meant to live in love and happiness with Mack for a short time, but I’d always have Haven to be a reminder of him. I would always have a piece of Mack to hold on to. The mysteries of life and love are summed up in a series of events that shape us. I don’t know if I would choose my life if I could go back knowing all the things that happened were going to happen. Some of it—yes. Fortunate and unfortunate, we have to live with it. I’m still not ready to tell my little girl, but like I said, it’s the inevitable that we are never prepared for.

  I want to go to our spot on the shoreline. The one I dreamt of last night. I want to sit there and talk to Mack. I want to ask him the questions I’ll never get the answers to. Maybe if I listen hard enough, I’ll hear him whisper them in the wind.

  My dad drives me down. He tells me he’s going to go pick up Haven from her friend’s house. I tell him I need a little more time. He understands. My mother is taking care of Jocelyn. She needs her. I need our spot.

  I sit for a long time and look out through the tall beach grasses over the dune. I think about all the times we rode our bikes here when we were kids. How we fished on the shoreline, caught frogs, talked about life. He kissed me for the first time at this very spot when we were dumb kids. I smile when I think of that day. I wonder if Mack remembers that. I feel the ocean breeze prick at my skin. I hear the seagulls cackle as they fly by. I talk to Mack like he’s here. Just like he used to be. I speak to the wind.

  “Mack, there are a few things I need to tell you. I always loved you. There hasn’t been a day in my life when I didn’t love you. When we were young, I didn’t know it was that kind of love. I didn’t know you could be in love with your best friend. I only thought you could love them the way best friends are supposed to love one another. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you, but I did. It was the way it was meant to be. I only wanted to love you, but then I fell in love with someone else. Another part of you, and I swear Mack, I swear, I’ll be a good mother to Haven. I will make you proud. I will love her every single day of my life and hers. I will love her fiercely, and she will grow to be a strong woman. I promise you that with all my heart. She will grow up to be just like you. She is you. I will give her wings to fly and encourage her to chase her dreams like you did. I’ll tell her to take leaps like you always told me. I know now how short life is. I will make you proud of me, Mack. I make that promise to you.”

  “You make me proud every day, Rinny.”

  And just like that he’s here. But is he? Or is it this disease that’s playing tricks on me? Is it making me lose my mind? Just when I thought it couldn’t make my life anymore hellish, now it’s messing with my brain. I’m angry. I place my hands over my ears and shut my eyes tightly.

  “You’re not here. I know you’re not here. It’s this stupid, damn disease messing with me. You’re dead. I know you’re not really here.” I scream at the air and pray that when I decide to open my eyes, the hallucination will be gone.

  “Please stop, God. I know you’re mad at me for being angry at you, but please don’t play games with me. I know I’m going crazy. I’m sorry for being mad at you, but I have my reasons.”

  Then I feel hands on mine.

  I blink my tears away, thinking I’m still asleep, but I’m not. He sits here in front of me. He’s clean, but his hair is long and a beard adorns his face. From what I can see, there are healing cuts on his face and greenish bruises on his cheeks.

  “Mack?” My voice cracks and tears fill my eyes again. He nods. We just stare at each other.

  “I’m so sorry, babe. I’m so sorry I left.”

  This has to be a dream or a nightmare, rather. But I can feel his hands. I can smell him. His skin is touching mine. I feel the roughness of it under my fingertips. And then I realize it’s real. Instead of holding him closer to myself, I pull his hands away from him and scream in anger.

  “You left me! You left us! How could you have done that? To me, to Haven!” I pounce on his chest with all my might. I slap him in his face and then grab his it in my hands and squeeze, making his focus be solely on me.

  I thought I could never cry harder than I did when I thought he was dead. I’m so wrong. The pain I felt inside when I thought all hope was lost, and I’d never see him again, is nothing compared to now. It doesn’t make sense, but to me it does. Somehow, when I thought he was gone forever, I prepared myself in a way. Now that he’s here, I’m not so prepared.

  He goes to grab my face again and I shove his attempt away.

  “No! Don’t, Mack. I can’t have you touch me. I hate you so fucking much. I hate you and what you did to us.”

  It doesn’t matter how hoarse my voice sounds from screaming. It doesn’t matter how many times I slap him or try to push him away from me. In the grand fashion that is Mack, he doesn’t give up. He fights me as I turn my body away from him. He wraps his arms around me. His chest is to my back and he holds me. I give in to him because I’m weak in my mind, in my body and in my heart. Because I love him as much as I hate him. I dip my head and rest my chin on his hands that are clasped together in front of my body.

  “Why,
Mack. Why?”

  “I’m so sorry, Rinny. I don’t remember how it all happened. It was so quick. It was like I fell asleep, then I woke up and I thought I was dead. It was dark, so dark I couldn’t see anything in front of me. My hands were bound, and I realized I had a hood on me, and that’s why it was so dark. I had to do what they told me to do. If not, they would have killed me, but the whole time—what got me through were the images of you and Haven I had in my mind. When I was giving up hope and the days and weeks passed by, I saw you. I dreamt of you. I felt you everywhere. I tried so hard to come back to you. Please believe me when I tell you, I did try. You’re my life, Rinny. How could I not have hope that I’d be with you again.”

  I stay silent, but I can feel Mack’s body shaking as he cries. I close my eyes tightly and touch the hands that are in front of me, feeling that he is real. This is real. He is here.

  I stutter out, “How did you get away.”

  “Someone tipped me off and released me right before the bombs went off. A young boy. He heard my captors talking, and he knew I was in danger. His whole village was in danger. He would bring me extra water and sneak me food very late at night. He was a good boy. He came to me that night and let me go. So I ran, Rinny.” His voice sounds so quiet and broken.

  “Why … why didn’t anyone call, Mack? Why didn’t anyone tell us you were alive?” He releases me and comes in front of me. With tears streaming down his face he simply says, “I just needed to get home as fast as I could. I needed to get home to my girls.”

  When our eyes scan each other, my anger starts to dissipate. He’s here; he’s alive. He could be dead, but he’s not.

  Mack just looks at me. Sadness appears in his exquisite eyes. The eyes I have longed to see. The eyes that are still the color of gold and amber, the eyes that are now telling me he knows. He knows what is wrong with me. I’ve looked into these eyes almost every day of my life. I know when he’s sad, happy, confused, and lying. I also know them when he’s kidding, or when he’s serious. I know he knows I’m sick.

  “Mack?” He strokes my hair and studies my face. From the top of my head to my fragile hands.

  “Yes, babe?”

  “How did you know I was here?”

  “I went to the house first. I didn’t call because I didn’t want anyone to be upset in case my flight was delayed or anything. Your dad told me you were here.”

  “They told you about me, didn’t they?”

  He nods and bites his lip to stop from crying. I can tell.

  “I’m not the same and never will be. Things won’t get better. They’ll stay the same or get worse.”

  He runs his hands through my hair and kisses the shell of my ear and buries his face in my neck.

  I give in and allow him to.

  “I was told not to have children.” He pulls away from my face and swipes at my tears with his thumb.

  “I don’t care, Corrine. All I care about is us. I want us.”

  “Don’t be with me out of pity, Mack. I can’t have you with me out of pity. This is not what you want for your life. This is a disease, Mack. This is the rest of my life.”

  Mack shakes his head.

  “No, Rinny. This is our life. And who are you to say what I want for my life. All I’ve ever wanted was you. I didn’t know it for a long time”

  “Mack …” He stops me from going any further.

  “We have each other. We have Haven. We’re a family. Don’t think for one second that not being able to have a child would change my love for you. We’ve come this far, and there is nothing we can’t get through. I love you. I’ve loved you forever and always will.”

  I let go of my anger and feeling sorry for myself. I know he means every word he says. He’s never lied to me. Not ever, and I don’t think he intends on starting now.

  “I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you when you found out. I wish I were there to hold your hand and tell you everything was going to be okay. When you were scared, I wish I were there. When you were sad, I wish I were there to tell you not to be. I’m so sorry I wasn’t.”

  We hold each other and cry. It seems like we do forever. I don’t mind it one bit.

  “You’re here now, Mack, and that’s what matters.”

  “I’m not going anywhere ever again. Please believe me. I’ll never leave you or Haven again.”

  I pull away from his face and reach up and touch the scar I gave him. Instead of my usual silence, which he knows means I’m sorry, I tell him words he has been waiting to hear for years. Words I should have said a long time ago, but I can’t go back and change that. Just like I can’t go back and take away that scar I gave him.

  “Yes, Mack.”

  He looks at me confused.

  “I’ll marry you. Marry me.”

  Sobs release from him, and he collapses in my arms. His body shakes and words of love pour from his mouth. I lift his head and look into the eyes I fell in love with. Probably the ones I’ve loved from the time we were born. The ones I’ll spend the rest of my life looking at and never grow tired of.

  “I love you, MacIntyre Cooper; now let’s go get our girl.”

  MACK ~ 6 MONTHS LATER

  I sit at this table inside this grand ballroom and look around at all the people. Faces I’ve known for some time. Coworkers, others from different news organizations, reporters, my mom, Mae and Steve. But as I sit here, I look over to the two people who mean more to me than anything. Corrine and Haven. The loves of my life. My whole world. Both of them so beautiful and so smart. Rinny catches me looking at her. She tilts her head and smiles at me.

  Simply gorgeous. Her long, auburn hair cascades down her shoulders. She’s thin and fragile from the MS, but she is doing so well. She’s back to work part-time, and we bought a house not far from our parents so on the not so good days, they can help with Haven. I commute to the city to anchor the news and it’s a commute I don’t mind taking. It means I get to come home every night and sleep beside this angel of a woman every night. She drives me just as crazy as she did when we were ten, but still, she’s mine. In my eyes, she’s simply fucking perfect.

  “What?” she asks as I still keep my gaze on her.

  I wink and shake my head. “Nothing. Just looking.” She wriggles her eyebrows up and down at me and bites the side of her lip. I know that look, and I suddenly wish this ceremony would be over already so I can take her home and have my wicked way with her.

  The head of the network I work for introduces me. I stand up, bend over, kiss my mom on the cheek, then go to my left and kiss my beautiful little girl, and my wife. My Rinny. Marrying her not long after I escaped was the best thing I’ve ever done. That and having my little girl.

  I take my place at the podium and realize how bad my hands are sweating. I take out my speech and place it in front of me, and I stare at it. Moments of silence pass by and I clear my throat—preparing to read it. A hush blankets the crowd and they’re all wondering why I’m not speaking. Then I look out into the crowd and my eyes find hers. She gestures with her head for me to go ahead, and she places her hand over her heart and she mouths, ‘from here.’ So that’s what I do. I fold the paper back up and stick it in my suit pocket.

  “On Tuesday, September 11th, 2001, a day with not a cloud in the sky, all of our worlds changed forever. Mine especially. I lost my father that day, and as I look out at all of you today I know some of you lost ones you loved. To this day, I send my heartfelt sympathies. From that time, I knew I wanted to try to make a difference in this volatile world we live in. Even though I knew what I was doing was important, that passion to make a difference distracted me from what I should have been doing. Making a difference in the lives of the ones I loved. I almost lost my life trying to make a difference in the world, while right in front of me, my world watched and waited to see if I was alive.”

  I swallow hard just thinking about how things could have been. I look out at the table where my family sits, and I know what I’m saying is because of t
hem.

  “I am here. I am alive. Today all of you are here to thank me for what I have done. But it was my job. I did my job. I always knew the risks that were involved in being a war correspondent, and I wasn’t going to let the fear stop me. Until one day, someone made me realize the risks would impact others if time were not on my side. I thought I was invincible. I thought nothing could stop me. But the words of my wife changed me.”

  I clear my throat and try not to cry as I look at Rinny once again.

  “I survived my time in captivity because what kept me going were thoughts of her and our daughter. Family is the most important. Family is what makes the difference. Without the love of others, I’m not sure we could get through the rough parts of life.

  “The thoughts of my loved ones got me through the roughest part of my life. They made me survive. Their hope that I would return willed me to survive.

  “I’m grateful for all the opportunities that have presented themselves to me over the years. I am also thankful for my new position as your five p.m. anchor.”

  Applause rings out, and I smile.

  “Accepting this new venture in the world of news is the sixth best decision I’ve ever made. The first was having my daughter, Haven Hope. The second was when I became a journalist. The third was falling in love with my life-long best friend. The fourth, marrying my life-long best friend, and fifth, deciding to extend our little family and adopting our new daughter from the country that almost took my life. She will make her arrival in a few, short months.

  “I am so thankful for my life. For the love of my family, for the hope they sent to me through the power of prayer and the faith they had that I would return.

  “To my Rinny. My ultimate strength. You are by far the bravest person I know. You make strides every day, and you have stuck with me through thick and thin. I am so proud of you for fighting your own fight. Thank you, my love, for never giving up on me. For loving me even when I didn’t know there was love, and for making a difference in my world. You were always there, always taking chances with me. Thank you for taking the leap with me. Our love knows no boundaries, it’s infinite, and it’s the reason I am alive. Thank you.”