I stared at him mutely, his words little comfort, though I was grateful they had been offered. I hadn't been crying for Edwald, I had no sorrow in me for him. My tears had been selfish, for something I lost, or maybe something I thought I had which had never been mine, some gentle, unblemished aspect of my self.
"You need to rest, girl," the old man said gruffly. "And so do I. I'll see you later." He marched out of the door. Wyntan, Samar and Daltorn came in next.
"Selas told us what happened," Daltorn said. "About the High King's uncle taking him over. We all believed him because you told us to unbind him and set him free, and we knew you wouldn't have done that if he was a danger to us."
"He told the truth," I said wearily. "It was not him in the manor. It was Edwald, the body stealer. I don't know exactly how they know each other, but when Edwald looked through Cur's eyes and saw Selas, he recognized him, and he had what he needed to take over control of Selas' body, as long as his concentration held. I... I disrupted that concentration."
Samar pointed at my bandaged shoulder, the sling on my arm, and fiercely shook her finger at me. She made a gesture of something coming out of her shoulder, then rolled her eyes back into her head, allowing her head to fall back. When she came upright again she shook her finger at me again.
"I wasn't dying," I told her. "I would have sought help if I was."
She gave me a disbelieving stare. We need you, she signed. Be careful for us. I sighed and nodded.
Wyntan watched me without speaking, his eyes dark. I could tell he wanted to say something, but he held his peace. As usual, I could get no sense of what was on his mind.
"Wyntan found the puddle of blood you left in the manor, and we all saw the one on the green," Daltorn said for his brother. "He was upset."
"It likely looked worse than it was," I told Wyntan. "The armor kept it from being life-threatening."
"If I would have known you were bleeding again, I'd have had you removed," Wyntan said grimly. "Which is why you didn't say anything. Because you don't have any faith in us to do what needs to be done without you there."
"That's not true!" I said, aghast. I stared at him in dismay.
"It is true!" he said, his tone sharp with things he wouldn't say. Daltorn bent to kiss me on my head, then he and Samar inched from the room. "Why else would you constantly risk yourself as you did today? And yesterday?"
"I wanted to help! I was needed!" I cried out, defensive.
"Bah!" Wyntan brushed away my words. "You will help us into losing you! I know you have no care for yourself – and no care for those of us who do, but you do care about this fight, so don't jeopardize it!" Tears ran down my face again and I angrily scrubbed them away. Wyntan sighed heavily, releasing his anger into the air. "I shouldn't be yelling at you, Ada."
"You are allowed to yell at Galiena's Chosen," I muttered.
"To hell with the Chosen," he said, his voice sounding tight in his throat. "I didn't want to yell at you, Ada. I know you wished only to help. I was afraid for you, when I saw the puddle of blood on the green and realized the one on the stairs belonged to you as well. It was right where you were standing, with footprints through it, but enough of it remained for me to know someone very injured had stood there, right where you were."
"I am sorry I worried you," I said, contrite.
"I'm sorry I yelled at you," Wyntan said, a muted remorse in his voice.
"Friends again?"
He smiled, a slightly ironic smile but a genuine one. "We are ever friends," he said. He mimicked his brother and dropped a kiss on the top of my head. His face tightened and he added, "Your at-arms-length suitor awaits. I'll send him in." Wyntan squeezed my hand and left.
Nefen was the last to come in, several minutes later as I was just dozing off.
"Hello," I said sleepily. He looked pale to me. "Did I frighten you too?"
He sat on the edge of the bed. His hand rose to touch my face but fell back before it did. "I have no fear for myself," he began. "If I die, I die, and there is nothing to be done, you understand? No use living in fear of that day, that moment. In truth, I don't fear you will die either – I believe the Goddess will keep you alive, and where She leaves off, you can hold up the rest. What I fear is the burden you've been given may be beyond what any mortal human can bear. The way you are driven to repeatedly risk your life and health, the way you fight so hard to keep any fear or pain buried so it will not touch those who fight for you. My fear is the toll all this takes on you, if you can possibly survive it whole of heart and soul."
"I doubt any of us will," I said, somber. "It's too late for that for me, anyway. But I will live with that and be... be fine."
"I hope that is so," he said. I could sense the feeling within him, his wish to kiss me and hold me protectively, but wouldn't from fear of causing me discomfort. Instead he placed his hand over his heart, his pledge to me. I held back my tears.
"I am so tired, Nefen," I said softly.
"I will let you rest," he said. He smiled. "Maybe you will dream of me, pretty Ada."
I laughed. "I could live with that," I said. He stood, bowed gallantly, and left me to rest.
Chapter 14
Fevered
I awoke, feeling the presence of Iceblade. Looking up, I found him sitting on the edge of my bed, his expression brooding. He was looking at my bandaged shoulder. There had been a bit more bleeding, the bandage showed a dark splotch. With an elegant hand, he reached out and probed the injury, his fingers passing through my flesh. My eyes closed at his touch, and the feeling he evoked intensified. Once again the pain eased as he took some into himself. As he pulled his hand back, my eyes slipped open, and I saw my pain on his face.
"We had a bargain," I said softly, disturbing the quiet.
"But it was fulfilled, you came to me uncalled," he replied.
"Why have you come?" I fidgeted at the bed-covers, pulling them closer about me, making sure the light nightgown bared nothing.
He quirked an eyebrow at me, giving his devilish half-grin. "Silly question. To see you. And to assure myself with my own eyes that you were as well as could be expected."
"You were worried?"
He gave me a savage look. "Of course I was," he bit out. "That great oaf of yours killed the eyes I was watching through. I did not know if you were hurt badly or not, only that there was blood on you when you killed Edwald, and that it was your own."
I looked away. "I am not like you," I said.
"No. But you are more like me than you thought. And it frightens you."
"Yes."
"I'm sorry for your pain. I'd take it to myself if I could. I would spare you anything. Only you in all the world."
There was a rawness in his voice. I couldn't help but look back at him, even sitting up closer to him, though I kept the bed-covers close. He smiled faintly, his eyes half-closing.
"This is a terrible situation," he said in his spellbinding rough voice. "Here you are exactly as I want you, satin hair unbound and falling around your smooth shoulders, barely dressed, and in bed; yet nothing will come of it."
"Nothing could," I retorted in a breathy whisper. I hated the betrayal of my own voice.
"Ah, but if I were flesh, I could touch you, and you would be unable to turn me away," he said throatily. "I could do this." He bent and brushed his incorporeal lips across mine. "I could do this." His mouth trailed down my neck, and with a yearning sigh I arched my head back to give him access. It felt like a caress of mist, and I shivered with longing for the feel of his flesh. "We could be together. In a dark bower, alone together, and have everything we both desire so madly. We could ease this fevered ache. It would be splendid beyond ability to describe, and you know it. You feel it."
Swept by an unbearable, fiery craving for the feel of his body against mine, I scooted one-handed across the bed away from him, going to stand before the hearth and stare into the fire, trying to subdue my riotous emotions. My body burned to receive his, my womb ached to b
ear his child, and I could have none of it. I wept with frustration.
He waited without speaking, until I got a hold of myself again. Turning back to face him, resolute, I saw him still sitting on my bed, watching me with blazing eyes.
"The firelight is beautiful upon you," he said. "It bares you to my gaze, and you are so lovely within it. Your nightgown may as well be made of dancing golden light." I didn't bother trying to cover myself, he would only laugh. He brought himself to stand before me, drinking me in, his eyes scorching my flesh. His trembling hand traced a line across the top of my nightgown, then down across my breast and belly. I sucked in my breath, shuddering.
"Don't," I begged, stepping unsteadily back. "It's too much for me-"
"You ask too much of me," he said harshly, his hands clenching into fists at his side. "You are not entitled to so much. You want me to be your enemy, to leave you in peace with your fantasies of my death, deny the only thing that makes any sense to me. I will not." He ignored my attempts to interrupt him, to silence him. "Why should I not fight for what is mine? You are, beloved, as much as you try to pretend you aren't. If I was flesh here with you tonight, you would not have pushed me away. In fact, you would have returned my every kiss, my every caress, every sigh and every pleasure I would give you."
"Go," I breathed. "Go away from me!" He laughed, stepping forward to brush his intangible mouth against mine again, and disappeared against the light of the flames.
After he was gone, I climbed back into my bed, wrapping my good arm around my knees, waiting for morning. I did not go back to sleep, afraid my traitorous spirit would be unable to stay away from my enemy.
I felt drawn and worn the next day. Obediently I spent most of the day sitting in a cushioned chair on the green, being brought food or drink, my arm safely in a sling, my greaves on my shins to offer their help in healing. Selas stalked about getting everything ready to move out at a moment's notice. Nefen took his company out to eliminate any of the remaining crow soldiers that might be lurking in the area. Everyone else rested or repaired and cleaned their armor and weapons. Fiona came out of the inn occasionally to give me status reports on the injured, and to assess my health.
We would be down to three hundred and eighty able soldiers when the time came, in days only, to move toward Lalinth. Thirty were dead, the rest so injured they'd be no good to us.
I Saw that Iceblade would send no one else to box us in, he could spare no more of his army. He would wait for Dagar's sign, then attack Lalinth, knowing I would come to him then. There was little fear in him that I would raise a weapon against him, he knew exactly how much I desired him. Gritting my teeth, I swore again to destroy him. Samar, sitting next to me and eating her lunch, gave me a startled look.
No doubt, Samar signed.
"I am not crazy," I told her, hoping that was reassuring for her, because it wasn't for me.
Not yet, she replied. I gave her a smile of self-mockery.
Nefen returned from his patrol in the afternoon and came to sit beside me in the chair Samar had long since vacated. He didn't eat, just sat beside me, sprawled out in the chair, watching all the bustling about. Usually his sturdy presence brought me a quiet comfort. Today a part of me wished to yell at him to get away from me, I could offer him nothing and was unworthy of his affection. Once, I thought, holding a conversation with him he could not hear, once I believed there might be something left when this is all over, something that could grow and be given to you. Now I know there will be nothing, that I will never feel for anyone whatever it is I feel for that cold, dark warrior. And you deserve better than some faint shadow of my passion.
Nefen respected my silence and held his own. When I glanced at him, he placed one hand over his heart, saying nothing more.
"Nefen, I-" I began.
"I don't want to talk about it," he said, simply. He smiled at me, his handsome face wry. "I wish to wait. The time will come when we can have this conversation."
"Perhaps there is nothing to wait for," I said. I could not smile back.
He leaned toward me. "I may be no Seer, no witch," he said. "But I feel within you a yearning for something simple and undarkened. I see in you the possibility, when you are freed from the bindings the Goddess has placed upon you, to share with me what I want to give you."
I struggled to stand, Nefen stood and assisted me, steadying me with his hand on my good arm, and I swallowed my unwilling revulsion at his touch. I walked away from him and he followed me, unhurried but not falling behind. We came to a stop on the walls, overlooking the river, and I leaned with my hand on a crenellation, one of the places on the wall cut out for an archer or merely an observer to use.
"I don't know if there will be anything left in me when this is over," I said, letting my words drop into the rushing waters below.
He leaned his shoulder on the merlon next to me. "I will wait," he said. "Though it takes years."
"I don't want you to," I snapped at him, still watching the water.
He laughed. "You have no choice in the matter, Lady." He turned away from the river to face me. I refused to look at him. "I know you are in pain. I know your heart is dark and your spirit heavy. And you won't let me bear it with you. But you can't turn me aside. I will wait."
"I don't think you know or would want to know the whole of the darkness," I said. He was quiet for a while.
"You want his touch. You want him. That's why you were so quiet before Remanil. You bore that alone, the shame and the pain of it. The Ada that existed before the Good Queen laid her hand upon you cannot fathom this new person in her place. You think you are tarnished by longing for the darkness. You aren't."
"You don't know that," I whispered. "And I can't be sure if things are this way because of the Hand of the Goddess or if I am called to him because within me lies a basic unshakable darkness of my own. You don't know what I did yesterday. You didn't see what I left in my wake. No good person would do what I did."
He reached out to touch my face and I flinched back. His lip pulled back as he held in his pain. "You destroyed the person who violated Selas," he said, firmly and quietly. "You tore an unrepentant evil from the soil of Dragon's Tooth."
"I tore him to pieces," I said, and my voice cracked. I looked Nefen in the face. "I left him a pile of bloody rags. I offered him no mercy and I was glad for his pain."
Nefen gazed at me for long, wordless moments. I waited to see myself diminished in his eyes. His grey eyes held only compassion and the dark mirror of my own anguish. "Who can say what any of us would have done in your place?" he said at last. "Look to whom among us you find to be the best, the finest of spirit. You cannot say even that person would not have been driven to act as you did."
"Would you have done it?" I asked, my words nearly inaudible.
Nefen looked at me in surprise. He considered the question. "Like you, I don't like to think of myself as someone who would," he said. "But if that blackguard had done to you what he did to Selas, yes. And after what was done to my family, my peaceful family, yes. After what we've seen done to the quiet people of this land, yes. After reliving Samar's torture, again and a thousand times, yes." I searched his expressive face for any sign of falsehood, any clue that he was only saying what he felt he should to comfort me, and found only his intrinsic honesty. If things were different, I would have flung myself into his arms and taken the physical comfort he longed to give. Because I knew his touch came from his deeper feelings for me, I could not bear it the way I could the brotherly touch of Wyntan or Daltorn.
"So, I will continue to wait, since you have proven unable to repulse me with your evil," Nefen said, laughter back in his voice. I stared back into his silvery eyes and was unable to rebuke him or turn him away. He smiled, giving me the sense he knew my thoughts even when I kept them to myself.
Gronwon sought me out on the village walls. He and Wind had wakened no worse for wear aside from the bruises from their fall, many hours after they had collapsed at the river
entrance. Bidding goodbye to Nefen, I went with the elder priest.
Gronwon showed me to Oerlock's small, badly damaged Temple of the Goddess. In the back of the temple lay a walled garden nearly untouched by the crow soldiers, just beginning to bud with greenery and flowers. There was a circular walkway around a perfectly round pond and benches for the priests to sit on while meditating or pondering priestly things.
"You need a good place to come and feel the love of the Goddess," the elder said. "You need a place where you can gather your inner strength for the battle ahead of you. Here is a such a good place. Wind and I will keep the others out. You may be here undisturbed, even by the General, if you wish."
I laughed. How wonderful to be undisturbed. "The General may come, because if I ask it of him he will stay away barring real urgency," I said. "But everyone else, keep them away."
"That door leads to an acolyte's room," Gronwon said, pointing to a door in the southern wall of the garden. "There's a bed, some comfortable furniture, and nearly absolute silence. Wind and I have stocked it with clean bedding, wine, food, and firewood. There's a fire in the hearth even now. If you like it, we'll bring your pack and anything else you like, so you can have this time to gather some serenity. Dagar's Chosen may not come to you here."
I nodded, thanked him gratefully.
"Of course, even I will not thwart Fiona when she seeks you here," the old man said with a laugh. "She intends to come tonight and check on you."
"This is absolutely perfect," I told him. "I will leave this garden a new woman."
"I like the old one just fine, but rest yourself well," he said, his eyes twinkling despite their shadows.
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