“I love you, Sarah. I love you so much.”
My lips moved but nothing came out. My tongue felt dry and raw, like I’d been licking sandpaper. He soaked a small sponge in a Styrofoam cup of water and placed it to my lips. I eagerly sucked back the liquid like it was the best thing I ever tasted, and when I was done he leaned in and kissed me gently, and I whispered in his ear very quietly, “I love you too.”
We stayed like that for a while, his eyes never leaving mine. I could only imagine how I looked. Disheveled, black and blue, but it was only a picture of myself I had in my head. I asked him for a mirror so I could see with my own eyes what my father had done, and though he was hesitant at first, Nicholas gave in and presented me with what I asked for and I took a good, hard look in that mirror. I was hideous. Swollen lips, broken skin, eyes that looked like two slits had been cut into my face with a razor blade.
But Nicholas told me I was beautiful, and I believed him.
He stayed with me for the rest of the day. Watching me sleep, talking to me when I was awake. We never spoke of what happened, but we both knew that conversation was coming. Later on that evening his mother dropped by and without saying anything he looked at me and nodded.
She knows, I thought. He told her.
I couldn’t blame him. I didn’t blame him, but it worried me that the more people who knew my situation, the greater the chances were of something worse happening down the road. But I couldn’t think about that, not with Mrs. Rossi looking at me with her kind eyes and warm smile. The way it felt as she brushed my hair out of my forehead. She was treating me like a daughter, and though I entertained the thought on occasion, that was the first time I could truly see myself becoming a part of Nicholas’s family.
We both made him go home for the night so he could get some rest in his own bed. As it turns out, he had been at the hospital most of the time. Since he was suspended he didn’t have school, and nothing to occupy his time. Angie and Shakes had been there too, but I’d yet to see them with my eyes open. The only person who hadn’t been to see me, besides my mom and dad, was Helena. Ten-years-old. Sweet Helena. That was okay. She didn’t need to see me like this. Let her keep her innocence a little while longer. When I got out of here, I’d give her the biggest hug and let her know that it was no big thing.
I laid in bed that night, alone, thinking about what I’d do when I got home. What would happen? Would my father apologize for taking it too far? Would Mom continue to make excuses for him? It was all a mystery, but I knew that no matter what I had to get out of there, and so as I drifted off to sleep I began to formulate a plan, and as much as I loved Nicholas and wanted to be with him, he couldn’t know anything about it.
* * *
I celebrated my birthday in the hospital, one day before I was set to be released. Everyone came, and by everyone I mean Nicholas, his mother, Shakes, and Angie. They got me cupcakes and balloons, decorated the cast on my arm with stickers, and through it all Nicky never left my side. He was in good spirits, but I could tell something was bugging him. He does this thing when he’s nervous where he’ll look at me briefly, smile all goofy, and quickly look away. It was probably the same thing I was nervous about, but we put it off for one more day, and when I was released the following morning, he took me home by himself and for the first time since everything went down, we really got a chance to talk.
We sat on a bench outside the hospital before heading to the subway station. He held my hand in his and I looked at his profile. He was scruffy and handsome, and I felt some of those familiar feelings returning, like I was my old self. I took his chin and made him look at me, and kissed him. He didn’t know what to do, or how to act, so I told him just to kiss me back the way he used to, which he gladly did with a smile and twinkle in his eye, and as our lips meshed together his hand found its way to my waist and I breathed deep, taking him in. I wanted him so badly. I wanted to feel the person who loved me more than life itself next to me, naked, caressing my skin, licking me, and I must’ve let those desires get the better of me because I bit his lip during our kiss, and he pulled back, surprised.
“Sarah Danniels,” he smiled. “What has come over you?”
“I guess I just realized that life’s to short to put off the things you want to do with the one’s you love.”
That drew a complicated gaze from him, one that held a lot of questions, but I just took his hand and squeezed it, saying, “But we have time for all that, right?”
He nodded. “All the time in the world, baby.”
An uncomfortable silence bridged the gap between us and for a moment neither of us knew how to start the conversation we knew we had to have. I started to say something, but paused, started over, and sighed, not knowing where I was going with anything.
“Are you going to say anything to anyone about your dad?” Nicholas asked, seeing how hard it was for me to begin.
I thought about it, sitting next to him, and though I’d spent pretty much the entire week wondering that to myself, I still didn’t know what I was going to do and so I couldn’t answer him. Instead, he went on talking, giving me all the reasons that I should say something. He’d respected my boundaries before, right up until the part where he told his mom about what was going on, but now? Now everything was up in the air, and I didn’t know what he’d do if I didn’t take those first steps myself. It scared me, not just because I thought that if I didn’t say anything then I might lose him, but it scared me because I didn’t think I was strong enough. That somehow when I got back home and under the thumb of my father, whatever small amount of courage Nicholas had been building up in me would come tumbling down like a house of cards and I’d be right back to square one.
I said the only thing that really felt truthful in my heart, which was, “I guess I’ll play it by ear, you know?”
“What does that mean?” he asked.
I shrugged. “Maybe he’s changed. Maybe he won’t do it no more after this.” It sounded like I was trying to convince myself more than anybody, but Nicholas wasn’t biting.
“Do you really believe that?”
“Baby, can we not talk about this right now?” I asked, running my fingers through my hair and looking away at a pigeon that was trying to scrounge the last remaining crumbs from a bag of potato chips.
“We have to, Sarah. This is it, you know? After this, I don’t know when I’m going to see you again.”
He was right. I’d told him what I remembered from that night. About the poem my dad found of his. Now that my father knew about us, there was no way in hell he’d let that continue. Maybe the only time we’d get to see one another from now on would be at school.
He took my hand and begged me to look at him. “I just care about you so much, Sarah. I love you, you know that, right? I love you more than anything. The way you make me feel, the way you drive me crazy with your smile and your beautiful eyes…there’s never been anyone like you, and I don’t want to see that light you have inside you snuffed out.”
“That light’s only there because you put it there, Nicky. Before you, life was darker than anything I could possibly imagine. I spent it living in fear. Being afraid of my own shadow. Then you showed up. I just don’t want anything to come between us, and if I tell someone, I don’t know what’s going to happen.”
“So what are you saying?”
“I don’t know what I’m saying. I just—I just feel like now’s not the right time. Like I should wait. In another year I’ll be eighteen and—”
“Another year?” he interrupted. “Sarah, do you really think you’re going to be alive in another year if this keeps up?”
“That’s why I said I’ll play it by ear. I’ll go home, see how everything is, and decide from there what to do. If anything happens I’ll get the hell out of there.”
“You can come to my place,” he said. “Mom knows, she’d be more than willing to put you up. Hey, it’d be like we’re married.”
The words left his mouth b
efore he could stop them, and I could see that even he was surprised he’d said it. My breath hitched and my heart started to flutter like wings on a hummingbird. Even just joking around and talking about our future the subject of marriage had never come into play, but now? Now there was no going back.
“Marriage, huh?” I said, leaning into him so he could put his arm around me.
“I dunno,” he said. “I was just talking, that’s all.”
I breathed him in, feeling his heart beating just as fast as mine when I put my hand on his chest and we kissed, and I felt that desire building up in me again and reached down to rub his inner thigh. Now it was his turn to moan, and we had to stop ourselves before it got too out of hand right there on the bench.
“You’re crazy, you know?” he said playfully.
“Crazy ‘bout you,” I teased.
Neither of us wanted to move, but we had to. It ripped my heart in two that this might be the last time we got to sit like that since I didn’t know what would happen once I got home, but when I walked through the front door of our apartment a short time later, I found that life had a surprise waiting for me.
* * *
“You’re father’s not here,” Mom said as I sat my things down in my room.
I breathed a heavy sigh of relief thinking it was only temporary, and asked, “When’s he going to be back?”
Mom didn’t answer me at first, so either she didn’t know and I didn’t see her shrug because my back was to her, or—
“He’s not coming back. Not as far as I know, anyway.”
“What?” I said, spinning to look her in the eyes.
She stared at me, folding her arms over her chest. My face was still bruised but it wasn’t nearly as bad as it had been those first days in the hospital, and my cast still had all the stickers on it from my small birthday party, which mom had missed. Any other mother might have been more concerned with how I was doing, but not mine. She just glared at me.
“Aren’t you happy?” she asked condescendingly.
“Mom, what are you talking about?”
“You’re the reason he’s gone. He couldn’t bare to face you after what he did, and it’s all your fault. If you hadn’t been messing around with that boy none of this would have happened. Now I don’t know what we’re going to do about money.”
Money? That’s what this was about? I felt the anger bubbling to the surface like a pot of hot water getting ready to boil over.
“This has been going on a lot longer than I’ve been seeing Nicholas, Mom. You know that. For seventeen years I’ve done nothing but take his abuse while you stood there and—”
“I stood there and did all that I could, Sarah!” she yelled. Tears glistened in her eyes and she shook her head, wiping them away. “All that I could,” she repeated in a hushed whisper.
I didn’t know how to feel. On the one hand she was blaming me for what happened, but on the other I knew she truly didn’t believe I had done anything wrong. She was hurt, and angry, and scared. Just like I was. The idea of life without my father had often crossed my mind, but I didn’t think it was something that was ever going to happen.
I took a step toward mom. She had her head bowed in her hand and was unable to look at me. I thought about all the years of abuse, both physical and mental, and reminded myself that I wasn’t the only one who had suffered through it. She was on the receiving end of my father’s unholy justice just as much as I’d been, but in a different way. They’d been married for so long though. Twenty plus years of being with the same man day after day, not knowing anything better and having no one to talk to about all the horrible things he did. My heart ached for her—for a mother—but when I reached out my hand to draw her close, she pulled away and snapped at me.
“Just don’t, Sarah.”
She stormed off and slammed her bedroom door, leaving me standing there amidst my suitcase and belongings that I’d brought back from the hospital. For a split second I thought about just gathering them up and going to Nicholas’s, but I couldn’t do that. This was my home. A home without a father now, and I’d never been more relieved in my life.
TEN
- Nicholas -
The first time I went over to Sarah’s after her father left was one of the most nerve-racking experiences of my life. I didn’t know what to expect. Would her mother freak out on me? Was it all a ploy and he’d jump out the moment I walked through the door? Thankfully, neither of those things happened. Sarah’s mom was a complete basket case and barely said two words to me. She just went about the apartment, walking from room to room like she was looking for something that she’d lost. I felt sorry for her in a way, but when I looked at Sarah and saw how happy she was, I knew it was the best thing for everyone.
I sat next to Sarah on the couch two months later. My own mother wasn’t too keen on me being there, but I’d placated her enough to allow her to let me go over there a couple of nights a week as long as I promised to check in at regular intervals. Shakes had become a fantastic babysitter to Helena, and we didn’t even have to pay him, which freed me up to spend more time with Sarah. Something I thought for sure was impossible that day we’d left the hospital.
“You’re beautiful, you know that?” I said, tucking a stand of hair behind her ear. She smelled divine, a mixture of strawberries and vanilla that made me tingle all over the more we kissed. Her mother wasn’t home, and we had the place to ourselves for a couple of hours.
She closed her eyes and leaned back on the couch, taking a deep breath. “I love the way you love me,” she smiled.
I sat there, gazing upon her soft features, thinking to myself how lucky I was to have such a gorgeous girl in my life. She was the epitome of beauty to me, and there was an ache in my crotch that would’ve given anything to be freed at that moment. I was turned on just being next to her, and when I leaned in and kissed her hard, she reciprocated my movements, grinding her body against mine.
“Someone’s horny,” she giggled, opening her eyes and looking down at the bulge in my pants.
“You have no idea,” I growled.
I slid my hand down her chest, feeling her hard nipples through the fabric of her t-shirt. She moaned softly into my mouth. The heat increased the further down my fingers went, until they were resting comfortably at her waistline. Our lips smacked together in a frenzy of anticipation, but when I went to slide my hand down her pants, she clutched on to my wrist, holding tight and blocking my efforts.
“No,” she said, gasping as we came up for air.
I groaned and flopped back on the couch.
Since that day outside the hospital I thought she was ready to go further than foreplay. The way she’d come on to me, bit my lip—it was all a sign that she wanted more, but the first time we were alone and every time since, she’d done a complete 180 on how she felt. It was fine, I’d never force her to do anything she didn’t want to do, but I’d beaten off enough times over the last two months to fill a swimming pool.
“I’m sorry,” she panted. “I just got carried away.”
“It’s okay,” I said, adjusting my pants.
“No, it’s not,” she leaned her head on my shoulder. “I don’t know what it is. I guess I wasn’t as ready as I thought I was.”
I shifted and placed my arm around her, tilting her head so I could look her in the eyes. They were just as green and just as beautiful as the first day I’d seen her standing outside Ollie’s, though lately there’d been some dark circles forming under them.
“You still having those nightmares?” I asked, brushing her skin with my thumb.
She nodded.
When she got home from the hospital, Sarah started having bad dreams about the night her father beat the hell out of her. Nasty ones that replayed every detail in horrible HD to the point where’d she wake up breathless and covered in sweat. I don’t think she’d gotten a descent night’s sleep since she’d been home, and that worried me. Her grades at school, while always average, had start
ed to slip even further, and she was in danger of failing some of her classes.
I attributed some of that to not only what her father had done, but also because since he wasn’t around to beat her anymore, her mother had stopped giving her Percocet, and a part of me wondered if she’d become dependent on them and perhaps she was going through withdrawal? I don’t know.
I bit the inside of my cheek, wondering if now was a good time to bring up what I’d been thinking. She’d called me a few times in the middle of the night when she’d woken up, and though mom understood, she was getting a little annoyed by the late night interruptions.
“Have you ever thought about talking to someone?” I asked hesitantly.
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know, like a counselor, I guess. All that stuff with your dad, it’s just sitting inside you festering. It might help if you let it all out.”
“I have you,” she said, nuzzling closer to me.
And that was how it went for the next little while, with her avoiding the issue. Skirting around it like she didn’t want to face the truth. I wanted to help her as best I could, but I wasn’t trained to deal with this sort of thing. The lasting effects of what her father had done over the years was starting to take its toll on her mind, and I was afraid if left unchecked, she’d suffer irreparable damage that would follow her everywhere she went later in life. It didn’t help that her mother seemed to care even less about her these days, and basically let her do whatever she wanted. Hell, we could stay out later than usual, within reason, and no one said a word. That was something we never could have done before.
But even with spending more time together, I couldn’t help this nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach that told me the girl I’d love and die for was slowly slipping away from me, and I hated that there was nothing I could do or say to make it all better. I thought that love would be enough, but as the months rolled on it became glaringly apparent that not even that could help Sarah’s decline, and soon my worst fears would become reality.
Saint Nicholas Page 7