After All This Time: What She Wished

by Brittainy Brown

  “You needed to think so you went to blur your thoughts by having a drink. What a way to go.” she replied cynically. She was anxious, something was wrong and she was dying to know.

  Toby walked to their room, stopping at the door to lay his head on the post.

  “What is wrong?” Tina asked him. She had walked to him and collected the bag in his hand. She led him inside and sat on the bed. Tapping the space beside her for him to sit, he shook his head.

  She saw his eyes clear. It was as if for that short while sobriety returned and his gaze became direct and meaningful.

  “I am sorry Tina.” he said.

  Tina became really scared. Toby rarely apologized for anything and when he did he wasn’t so direct.

  “And he didn’t look so broken.” Tina thought.

  “What is it Toby? Tell me.” she said.

  “You warned me, you did. I tried to listen. I wanted us to be just as we were, we were perfect. But sometimes, one cannot control the way things work.” he said.

  Tina felt her heart would break. She stood up, shaking her head as words came out from her mouth.

  “Stop speaking in parables and tell me what’s wrong.” she demanded.

  “It’s Katherina.” he said.

  Tina didn’t know what to do. She tried sitting down but the heaving in her chest would not calm down, instead, it increased in speed, racing like a horse at war front. She walked to the deep cream walls and pounded her fists into them. There was pain in the banging of her hands on the hard walls but that pain was nothing compared to how her heart ached. She felt a headache start; a small throb like a child’s heartbeat in her skull.

  “Tell it to me. Tell me everything that happened.” she said still facing the wall.

  “I didn’t plan it, I swear it Tina. It was the second day of the summit. There was an official dinner that night but I had decided to call you immediately after the dinner. Then she asked that we go besides the pool, where the swimming pool and the fountain were. I agreed.”

  He stopped talking. He walked to the bed and sat down. Tina turned to look at him; he seemed to sink under her gaze.

  “We started talking about everything. She told me about her life in Greece and how although she loved America she still missed Greece. I told her things too, about how I had met you in school and how we had been together ever since.”

  “You just talked?” Tina asked.

  “Yes.” he said before adding a few seconds later with a low tone. “Then we kissed.”

  Tina could feel anger rise like lava up a volcano’s vents. She felt her head grow hot and she bound her fists together but she didn’t speak or move. She didn’t trust her actions at that point.

  “It wasn’t planned, I hadn’t planned that. I had planned to call you. It was when I told her about you not liking our closeness.” he said.

  “You told her that?” Tina said, her voice cracking in the middle. She couldn’t believe this.

  “It sort of just came out. I told her you noticed I liked her.” he said.

  “What was her reply?” she replied, angry and eager for this story to end.

  “She said I didn’t. I should show her.”

  “And you did.” she replied.

  Toby was quick to reply, eager to jump to his defense.

  “I kissed her. But I did realize what I was doing. I was so angry so I pushed her. I forgot we were just at the edge of the pool and she fell into the pool.” he said.

  “I didn’t wait to get her out either. I went to my room and blamed myself.”

  Tina was surprised at the flicker of joy she felt when he said that. Then she looked up to him and knew he wasn’t finished.

  “I tried sleeping and couldn’t get any sleep. So I sat up and thought about what I did. I went to her room around 11 to beg her.” he said.

  “You didn’t call her. Why didn’t you just call her?” she said.

  She had moved closer to him, standing menacingly over his sitting form. He slid off the bed and knelt in front of her. She saw his fingers moving and she dared him in her mind. She dared him to touch her feet.

  “When I got to her room, I knocked for a long time without getting any response. As I was about turning to go, I heard her door open. She had woken up to answer the door and was in her sleeping robe.” he said.

  Tina knew that was where she had lost him. Toby was sorry and Katherine’s beautiful form was standing right in front of him.

  “I don’t know what happened. I just entered to tell her I was sorry. I didn’t know that was what it would lead to. It just happened. One time we were still in the sitting room then ……”

  Toby looked like he couldn’t talk anymore. The rest of the story seemed to be heavy, like his tongue throwing out concrete instead of words.

  Tina wanted to be sure.

  “Did you have sex with her Toby?” she asked.

  Toby grabbed her feet when she said that. His grip was strong and he held on to her two legs, his grip was a vice like and refusing to let go.

  “I didn’t plan it Tina. It just happened. One minute we were just kissing and the other we were on her bed. I am sorry. I am sorry.” he begged.

  Tina dragged her legs away from him, conjuring all the strength in her small frame. She pushed him away from her and when he seemed like coming to meet her again, she screamed.

  “If you come near me I will kill you, you hear me. I will kill you, I swear it.” she ranted.

  There were tears streaming down his eyes now, tears that called on to the ocean behind Tina’s eyes. She didn’t realize she was crying until she couldn’t see properly. She pointed to him again, her finger pointing low and stiff.

  “Do not try to come near me.” she repeated.

  He nodded and stood up. He was not done, Tina realized.

  “I am sorry for what I did. And I am sorry for what I am about doing.” he said.

  There was no pain in his eyes anymore. It had disappeared just as his drunkenness did moments ago.

  “I have been trying to tell you this since I got back. I would look at you and not be able to bring myself to do it. I was aware it would break your heart.

  I have been with Katherina a lot of times now. I have gone to her place, her apartment. I didn’t go to have sex Tina; it was just easier going to her than coming here after what had happened. I sometimes felt like you could see me for the lying cheat I was, I couldn’t stand the intensity. I have gotten to know Katherina and I have gotten to love her. Saying this now would not do any good but she is beautiful in and out. I wish you guys didn’t have to know each other this way.”

  Tina felt like digging her hands into Toby and dragging out his tongue.

  Katherina was beautiful in and out? What about her, what was she?

  Tina just kept quiet. Her heart had stopped its heavy beating. She felt calm, the calm before the storm she was sure.

  “While we were in New York we received invites from a rival firm, Crescent.”

  Tina knew Crescent. They were the biggest law firm in New York although Stinger and Barlows was a close competitor. Poaching their best talents was rife between them.

  “We have agreed to their terms, I and Katherina. We are moving to New York.” he said.

  She looked at him and there was no apology in his expression. He was not sorry he had left her for Katherina. He was not sorry he was moving to New York. He had only been sorry he cheated on her.

  The lying cheating bastard.

  She said nothing. She only watched as he walked to the wardrobe and picked his best clothes. He picked up his shoes and the few watches he had. He put them into his small travelling bag. Then he looked around for anything he forgot.

  You forgot something. You forgot me.

  He walked to the door and opened it before turning back.

  “We are leaving for New York this Saturday.” he said.

  “I am sorry Tina. I am sorrier than words can express.” he said before closing the door very gently b
ehind him.

  Tina fell unto her knees. The tears wouldn’t stop coming.

  CHAPTER 16

  LIFE AFTER HEARTBREAK

  T

  ina shook her head. Her rumination had taken her long into the past. It had taken her to when everything first started and now she was moments from breaking down again. She couldn’t do that again.

  She remembered how broken down she had been after Toby had left. She never saw him since that day. She couldn’t go to work the next day which was a Thursday, she called in to claim she was feeling ill and would be unable to make it that day. She didn’t go the next day too. It had been all tears, sleep, dreams and a biting headache. Tina called Charlie that Saturday, her sobs preventing Charlie from hearing her well.

  “Tina what is wrong?” he asked.

  He heard her cracked voice, she sounded like she had been crying for days. She had.

  “He …… He left, Charlie.” she said, her voice like the gurgling of a blocked drainage.

  “What? Who left Tina?” Charlie asked.

  “Him, he left. Toby left me.” she cried into the phone.

  “Just wait, I am coming.”

  That was all Charlie said before dropping the phone. He was at her door by 8 o’clock the next morning. He looked shocked when he saw her. Tina looked around, seeing for herself how much disarray her apartment was in.

  In a mad rage, she had ransacked the entire apartment, removing everything Charlie owned. She ripped out the painting he had bought from his visit to Canada. When she laid her eyes on the painting Charlie had made for him hanging over their bed in the room, she had raced to it and tore it into shreds.

  My room, not our room, He is gone.

  “I am sorry, my apartment is in …. It’s in a mess.” she said. She placed her hands on her chest after saying that.

  “Just like my life, my life is a mess.” she said.

  Charlie closed in on her and wrapped her in his embrace. She put her arms under her jaw and allowed Charlie to wrap her in his arms.

  “I am sorry. I am so sorry.” she said. Her tears were coming down at such an incredible rate that Charlie felt the vest under his jacket get wet.

  “Why are you sorry? You didn’t do anything. He was a dick.” he told her.

  “I don’t know why I am sorry. I just feel sorry.” she said.

  “Don’t be. You did nothing wrong.” Charlie assured her.

  He led her to her bed and coerced her to sleep. She felt him place the blanket over her and she succumbed to the tiredness her eyes felt.

  When she woke up Charlie told her he didn’t look shocked at the state of her apartment, he was shocked at her own state.

  “You have lost so much weight.” he told her.

  He didn’t ask to tell him what happened until he was hours from leaving on Sunday evening. He had a meeting with clients the next morning, he couldn’t afford to be late he told her.

  When she told him what happened, he cleared his throat.

  “He wasn’t meant for you then.” he said.

  “It’ll be difficult but get over it. Life moves on.”

  That was all he said in response to what she told him.

  “He didn’t even blame him, he didn’t blame me. He just moved on.” Tina thought when he left.

  Life wasn’t so easy anymore without Toby. She had to answer so many questions from colleagues and her bosses about so many things.

  “How are you?” the secretary to Mrs. Barlows had asked her.

  “You look ….. You must have been really sick.” she added.

  “I was.” was all Tina could say.

  She had not been able to use make up that morning. Tears kept running down, messing up the makeup. She left her face nude, there was no choice. She had worn black that morning, a long flowing black gown on black sandals. Only her red nails could be associated with the Tina that came to work the week before.

  She knew her boss was still going to call on her, to find out about Toby’s resignation. When she did, she told her everything.

  “He went to Crescent ma.” she replied when asked if she knew why Toby and Katherina resigned.

  Her boss nodded her head. She had found out even before he left the state. Crescent had offered him a good deal and he took it. Katherina had done the same.

  “How are you now? I heard you were feeling under the weather last week. I can still see the signs on you.” Mrs. Barlows had said, looking out to Tina behind her reading glasses.

  “I am better now ma.” Tina replied.

  Mrs. Barlows signaled that she could leave so she turned to go.

  “Tina.” Mrs. Barlows said when Tina got to the door.

  “I thought you and Toby were dating. I thought you lived together.” she said.

  Tina wanted to tell her they used to live together. She wanted to let Mrs. Barlows into Toby’s betrayal. She found herself nodding.

  “Sorry about that.” Mrs. Barlows said.

  Tina walked to her table and drowned herself in work, trying to kill the screaming voice in her head with legal work.

  *******

  That was just under a year ago. Now she had followed Charlie’s advice and moved to her parents’ place. Charlie and Ronda had visited about two months ago, they were planning to get married at the end of the year and came to celebrate their engagement with Tina.

  They went to Amigos, which was a restaurant just off the coast. Tina could see boats in the ocean and imagined herself in one. She imagined herself sailing so far, all alone. She would leave all these issues behind, just the sea and her.

  “Tina, Tina.”

  She was called out of her imaginations.

  “Yes, Ronda. What’s up?”

  Ronda had gotten a bit bigger now but she still wore the braids she used to in school. She had her own shops now; she had opened two around her house which made African hairstyles.

  “They are doing very well.” she said.

  “You would be surprised with the number of whites that want to wear African hairstyles.” she added.

  “Charlie and I were thinking.” she said, waiting a bit to ensure Tina was listening.

  “We felt it would be better if you moved out of your apartment, the one you shared with him. We would have advised you left where you work too but it makes no sense to live your job without a better offer.” Ronda said.

  “I have never thought of that.” Tina said. And she thought about it when she got home.

  After a bit of rumination, Tina decided to move to her parents’ place, the house she had grown up in. It was just two streets away from where she lived, still very close to her workplace. She never used to visit because there was no one to visit. Her parents had moved to an elderly home community on the outskirts of California. They had retired about two years ago and decided to go live there.

  “How is that place better than your own house?” Tina had asked, surprised when they told her over the phone.

  “Our friends are there baby, it’s a fun place for people like us.” her mom answered.

  Tina was happy they had moved out now. She moved back to the house she had grown up a month after Ronda had suggested it. Her annual leave was a month away then, she planned to use the leave to renovate the place. She loved her memories there but she decided to keep herself busy with the renovation project. She would try to do most of the work herself to get her mind off the heartbreak. She was still recovering; she would need something like that.

  “The hurt will stop Tina, poco a poco.” Charlie had told her once.

  Now the painting was proving to be a more difficult work than she had envisaged. Her memories slowed down the entire project too. Tina jerked herself back to the present and placed another layer of paint on the walls. She had decided to use deep cream. Her apartment with Toby had been cream, a faint hybrid between cream and white. She found it difficult to make a radical change to the color of her bedroom. Tina was scared she would lose recognition of the room. And with loss of
recognition would come a misplacement of memories, this room was a happy place.

  “I am not going to erase my whole life because of him.” she said to herself.

  She was still painting the room for after about an hour though she was almost done now. Tina looked around the room, happy with the amount of work she had put there. She saw her bed which was just adjacent to the door and frowned. She remembered when her bed just used to be beside the window. The kind rays of the sun used to wake her up any day she was feeling lazy. She walked to the window and saw boys playing basketball in the court across the street.

  “Someone is always playing basketball.” Tina said to herself.

  She looked around. She was done with painting the place. She checked the time on her watch and it was a few minutes after six.

  “Time to close for the day.” she soliloquized.

  She went to the kitchen and dropped the closed can of remaining paint inside the cabinet. It would be used in another room another day. She washed her hands-free of the paint, happy it was water paint that came off easily. She fixed herself dinner and watched soap operas as she ate.

  Tina woke up two hours later. She had slept off in front of the T.V. She switched it off and went to bed. Tomorrow was another day.

  CHAPTER 17

  BACK TO STAY

  T

  ina woke up with a start. Something had buzzed her out of sleep. She was still feeling sleepy but she could hear a shrill ring. She opened her eyes to see it was already past daybreak. She had overslept. She looked for where the noise was coming from and she saw it was the small cabinet beside her bed. Her phone was ringing. She checked the call and saw it was a new caller, just a number, no caller I.D.

  It could be a client.

  “Hello, Tina Jordan.” she said into the phone.

  “Hi Tina, it’s me David.” the caller replied.

  David, David, who is David?

  “I am sorry, are you sure you are calling the right number? I don’t know any David.” she replied.