I Made You My First

by Threadgoode, Ciara

  He turned and looked at me. I could feel his eyes. “Would you consider coming here with me?”

  He was so sincere, and I could tell from the way he was looking at me that he’d thought about this question before.

  “Irish, we hardly know each other,” and I felt the need to drop my eyes from his face to my lap.

  “You have a life plan, and it’s a good one. You know what you want to do,” he squeezed my hand tightly. “Jurnee, I can change my plans, I would change my plans, if it meant being close to you.” He reached for my face and put his finger under my chin, pulling my face back to his. “I know in my heart that you’re the one I want to be with. I’ll wait however long it takes until you know it too.”

  I smiled at him. “How do you know that, Irish?” I was serious. I wanted to hear how he could possibly know something so permanent.

  “I knew from the moment I saw you. You were someone I admired, someone who’d always make me want to be a better person, someone I’d be proud to be with. You were someone who I’d always respect and never want to hurt or disappoint. That’s what I’ve been waiting for. That’s what I need to be truly happy.”

  I squeezed his hand and turned to gaze out the window. I felt him turn his body and sit back, no longer facing me.

  “I love you, Jurnee, and I know that doesn’t make any sense to anyone but me, but that’s the one thing in this world that I am one hundred percent certain of,” he said. A minute or so passed and Irish leaned forward releasing my hand. He took both of our glasses, stood up, and left the room. I sat there staring out at the water, thinking about what he’d just said.

  He was soon back, handing me my glass and scooting close to me. Sounding stronger, more confident than he had before leaving the room, he said, “Listen, I know that all of this might sound a bit strange to you, hell I don’t talk to anyone about it because I know the way it sounds outside my head.”

  He leaned forward and set his glass down, then turning his body to me, “Jurnee, I know that this won’t ever work if you don’t love me back. And I don’t mean just making love, either. I know that you’re going to have to feel the same kind of love for me that I do for you. All I’m asking is that you give me a chance. Give us a chance. If you don’t feel the same way in time, I’ll walk away. I promise you.”

  I turned and looked at him; I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to hear his words and watch his face as he said them.

  “I know that we were meant to be together; having no idea how I know, but I swear I do.” He smiled at me. “Please, just trust me. I can’t think of doing anything without you at my side.”

  I could feel my eyes filling, and I blinked trying to stop them from overflowing. How could he sit there and say these sweet words about me after the way I’d behaved with him. I’d been less than ladylike, and I know that he had to wonder what was wrong with me several times since we met.

  I decided to ask him; I really wanted to know. “Irish, how can you feel this way about me after the way I behaved with you? What about the time on Judy’s patio, the very same day we met?”

  His face went from serious to sweet. “Jurnee, I knew more about you than you thought. I knew you hadn’t dated anyone since that guy Joe-Lee something.”

  I felt my face change instantly when he said that name. I waited for him to finish. “I felt honored that you chose to be with me.”

  I calmed myself before I spoke, taking a deep breath. “How do you know about Joe-Lee Murphy?”

  He could tell I was upset and his face totally changed. “Your brother’s been looking for him for months and he finally found him about three weeks ago. I overheard him tell London that Joe-Lee’s coming to pick you up for the party Saturday.”

  I gasped and things went fuzzy for a few seconds. “That’s just great.” Irish sat still watching me. I reached for my drink and guzzled it down. Irish reached for my hand.

  “Irish, I really need to go somewhere and smoke.” I could feel tears coming to my eyes.

  “Stay here,” he released my hand and headed for the other room. He had the most confused look on his face when he returned, but he handed me an ashtray and my purse. I fumbled in my purse until I found my cigarettes. He took them from me and lit one, handing it to me. I inhaled deeply and looked out the window. I took a deep breath so that I could get my words out correctly. “Joe-Lee raped me when I was eighteen. I haven’t been with anyone besides you, Irish, because of it.” I felt him adjust himself in his seat, waiting to see if I was finished. I couldn’t turn to look at him; it all came flooding back. Everything that I’d tried to bury.

  “Does John know this?” he asked.

  I waited a moment until I could speak without sobbing. I reached for his drink now and guzzled it, putting the glass back on the table. “No, John met Joe-Lee once and liked him because they were both jocks,” I managed to say. “Judy’s the only one who knows because she came and got me.” I took a long drag from my cigarette. Suddenly I felt like a jerk. Irish didn’t know a thing and I was dumping on him.

  At that moment, Irish held my hand with both of his. Without any words he just held my hand to his face. I felt soft little kisses from his lips up and down my hands. I took a deep breath and turned to him.

  “You’re the first man I’ve ever told,” I admitted. He reached for my face and wiped the tears from my cheeks. I looked at him. “I’m not a sex-crazed woman.”

  He pulled my body into his. “Jurnee, I never thought that, ever.” I hugged him back. “I was so honored you chose me.” We sat there holding each other quietly.

  I lifted my body weight off him and sat up. The room was dark now, and the city lights were visible through our window. It looked like Christmas, I thought. We sat in silence with the outside lights as our candles. Maybe this was love, I thought.

  * * *

  My eyes opened and I tried to focus. The room was dark. Where was I? I jumped. I felt Irish’s arm wrapped around my waist. I lay back down. I didn’t remember going to bed. I didn’t remember anything from last evening. I took his arm and pulled it up to my chest. I closed my eyes and lay there in the dark.

  “Good morning, sunshine,” I heard coming from behind me.

  “Good morning, Irish,” I whispered. “How did we get here?”

  “Um, you came to bed when I asked you,” he chuckled. “You mind very well.”

  I smiled and squeezed his arm. “You know I don’t drink at all at my aunt’s house, right?”

  He reached for me and rolled me over to him. “I guessed that,” he smiled.

  “Thank you for taking care of me.” I pulled him closer, kissing his cheek.

  “I’d like to sign a contract agreeing to take responsibility for you the rest of my life, Miss Sampson.”

  I smiled at him. “You’re crazy, you know that, right?”

  He smiled at me. “Yeah, I’m aware of that,” he said.

  “What time do you think it is?” I asked.

  “Well the alarm’s set to go off at nine o’clock, so it must be earlier than that.”

  I lay my head on his chest and breathed in his scent. He smelled wonderful. Like a sexy man, I thought. I’d never have guessed in a million years that I’d be here with him. Funny how things work out, I thought, the way puzzle pieces fit together. Just then the alarm started buzzing. Irish shut it off. When he rolled back to me, I wrapped my arm around his chest. A chill ran through my body.

  “Are you cold?” Irish asked, looking into my face.

  “No, I’m happy,” I smiled.

  “So am I,” he whispered. Several quiet minutes went by and I tapped his chest with my finger. He lifted his head from the pillow and raised an eyebrow. “Can I help you, Miss Sampson?”

  “Well,” I said, and he lay back down. “I thought about what you said last night, about coming to live here in San Francisco with you and I might like to give it a try, if your offer is still good?”

  His head lifted from the pillow and he stared at me, his face s
erious. He rolled me over on top of him. I looked down at his face as he brushed my hair back with his finger. “Are you serious, Jurnee?”

  I leaned in and kissed his lips gently. “Yes, Mr. Thompson, dead serious.”

  He held my shoulders and rolled me onto my back. Inches from my face he whispered, “I won’t let you down, I promise.” His lips were on mine and in that moment we both made a non-verbal commitment to each other. We were going into this relationship thinking that maybe we were the right choice for each other. I did feel a love for Irish, maybe more than I wanted to admit. He loved me for what he thought he saw on the outside. It would be up to me now to share who I was on the inside. Somehow I trusted and believed everything that he shared with me last night. I genuinely believed that he’d never purposely hurt me. That’s got to be worth something big, I thought.

  When Irish dropped me off at Judy’s, it was after one o’clock. She wouldn’t be home for another few hours. I decided to make some coffee. I fished my cigarettes and phone from my purse and opened the glass doors to the patio. I decided to call my aunt while I waited for my coffee to finish brewing. I lit a cigarette and punched in her number.

  After only two rings, my uncle answered, “Hello.”

  “Hey Uncle Clay, this is Jurnee. How are you?”

  There was a pause for a few seconds, “Hey Jurnee, are you having a good time?”

  I smiled. He was such a sweet man, I thought. “Yes, I’m having a super visit,” I said. “How’s Auntie?”

  “Oh she’s mean as ever,” he laughed.

  “May I speak with her?” I asked.

  “Oh sure, let me take the phone to her, sweet girl.”

  It was several minutes, before she spoke. “Hummingbird, how are you? Did you have a nice party?”

  I paused for a second, reminding her that the party wasn’t until Saturday.

  “So are you and John speaking?”

  “Yes, Auntie, everything is great with John and me,” I lied.

  She wanted so much for us to be close as she and my mom had been. “What’ve you been up to?” I asked her.

  “Your uncle bought me a new chair for the front porch and the men delivering it trampled the daisies in my flowerbed.”

  I sighed. “Oh no,” I said. “I can fix that when I get home.” Now the line was quiet on her end. “Auntie, are you still there?”

  “Oh yes, child, I’m here, just a little tired. Please call back again tomorrow. I love you.”

  “I will, I promise,” and I heard the line go dead. I closed my phone and tossed it on the table. I took a drag from my cigarette and set it in the ashtray while I went to get coffee. While in the kitchen, I heard my cell ring. Grabbing the whipped cream from the fridge, I ran for my phone. I plopped down in the chair, setting my coffee and whipped cream on the table. I looked at the number on my phone. It was John. I let it ring. He was the last person I wanted to talk to right now. I squirted whipped cream into my coffee and my phone beeped. John must have left a message. I leaned back in my chair holding my coffee and cigarette, just staring at my phone. What could he possibly want? I thought. And who the hell does he think he is anyway? I sat there thinking about what Irish had said last night, trying to figure out what I was going to do. What should I do? My phone rang again. I leaned forward to see the number. It was John. What the hell was wrong with him, I thought.

  After the fifth ring I answered it, “Hello?”

  There was only silence. Then John spoke. “Jurnee, where are you?”

  I paused a few seconds. I’m at Judy’s...why?” Silence again.

  “Well I just got a call from Memphis Thompson saying that Irish took someone out of town yesterday and I got worried is all.” Yeah sure, that was John, always anxious to share a human moment with me. Not.

  I didn’t respond right away. I tried to read between the lines. John always meant something different from the words he actually said, “What are you asking me, John?”

  “I just wanted to be sure that you were safe, Jurnee, that’s all.”

  “Well I’m just fine, John, and actually I’m glad you called,” I lied. “I’m not going to be able to make that dinner this Saturday. Something’s come up.” I caught myself holding my breath, waiting for his response as I did so often when I spoke to him.

  “Okay. Is everything all right?” He asked sounding a little confused.

  “Yes, everything’s great, John.” And I waited for what I knew was coming next.

  “Jurnee, I went to a great deal of trouble planning this dinner for you. What could’ve possibly come up that would make you cancel?”

  I took a deep breath and leaned forward into my thighs, looking for the strength to say the words I really wanted to tell him right now.

  “John, I know you’re my brother, and I do love you, but...” and I paused while I sat up straight in my chair, “…you need to stop telling me how things are and start asking me how I feel before you make decisions for me. You do it without even thinking or considering my feelings. I’d like to be treated like an adult; I am an adult, John,” I felt my eyes close as I waited for him to start yelling.

  “What’s that supposed to mean, Jurnee? Is this about Irish?”

  “No, it’s not about Irish, John, but I’d sure appreciate your explaining that to me now that you brought it up.” I could feel my face growing warm.

  “Jurnee, if you saw the number of women Irish goes through in a month, you’d be thanking me for telling him to stay away from you. Trust me, little girl.”

  Oh no, he didn’t. I took a deep breath. “John, I’m not a little girl, and you’re not my father. Dad treated people with respect; I’m not sure you know the meaning of the word.” I stopped to take another breath and could feel my hands shaking.

  “Did you go out of town with Irish, Jurnee?”

  I ignored his question. “John, do you know what Joe-Lee is to me?”

  “He’s the only guy you ever really had a thing for. I think that’s what mom told me. Why? Did Irish tell you that I talked to him?” And he seemed to be angry.

  “Yes, Irish told me you were sending Joe-Lee to pick me up for the dinner Saturday.”

  “He just couldn’t leave it alone. He’s determined to make you another notch on his belt, Jurnee. Irish is a nice guy, but you don’t want him for a boyfriend, trust me.”

  I gave him a second to finish patting himself on the back before I responded. “John, I need to tell you something that you had no way of knowing because, well, we aren’t even remotely close and you don’t talk to me, just at me.

  When I was eighteen, I started dating Joe-Lee Murphy. He was popular and all the girls in my class were super jealous because he wanted to date me. Three months into that relationship, he started pressuring me to sleep with him. After six months he forced me to have sex by making me feel guilty. At the time it was the worst experience of my life. Three months later, after I avoided being alone with him, he invited me to a big party at a hotel in downtown San Diego. I went because a lot of my friends were going.

  Well I didn’t know it then, but Joe-Lee had gotten a room on the same floor as the party, and after putting something in my drink, he took me to that room and raped me. When I woke up alone, I got dressed and called Judy to come get me. I told mom when I got home that I wasn’t going to see Joe-Lee anymore because he’d started using drugs. That’s the guy you gave Judy’s address to. That’s who you’re sending here to pick me up for your dinner. Now what were you saying to me about trust, John?” I took a breath and closed my eyes so tight I could see white dots. My heart was pounding like a metronome on amphetamines.

  “Jurnee..,” he paused as if he were checking to see if I was still on the phone.

  “I’m here, John,” I said, fumbling with my cigarette pack.

  “I had no idea. I’ll get hold of him and straighten it out. I apologize. You’re right,” he said, actually sounding sorry.

  “Thank you. I’d appreciate that. I’d also like yo
u to apologize to Irish. I’m almost twenty-five, and I don’t appreciate you punching someone because you don’t approve of him dating me. If I choose to date Irish...that’s my choice, not yours. I did go out of town with Irish and I do plan on dating him, so now that we have that all cleared up, I need to go...I have a call on my other line,” I lied and hung up. Deep breaths Jurnee. Screw it, I really need a glass of wine, I thought.

  When Judy got home, I ran from the patio to greet her.

  “Honey, I’m home,” she yelled, smiling her perfect Judy-smile. “I have some wonderful news,” she said slipping off her pumps. I followed her down the hall and sat on the bed while she changed clothes. “My boss came to me today and asked if I wanted a full-time position when my internship ends,” she smiled like the cat that had just eaten the canary.

  “That will be so awesome; I won’t have to job hunt and I get a parking space in the garage, so no more huffing three blocks to my car every day,” she said now heading for the bathroom. I sat listening to her day as she removed her makeup. Things felt normal. “Is that your phone I hear?” she asked, and I ran for the patio.

  “Hello,” I said much too loudly.

  “Well hello, sunshine,” he chuckled, and I swear I could feel his wonderful smile through the phone line. “Hey, I’m at home and John left here about ten minutes ago.” I didn’t say a word. I waited for him to continue. “Anyway, Jurnee, are you there?”

  “Yes, baby, I’m here,” and he went silent for a moment.

  “Say that again please.”

  “What, that I’m here?” I asked.

  “No, you know what I mean.”

  “Oh, do you mean when I referred to you as baby?” I smiled and waited.

  “That’s exactly what I mean. I like it,” he said. “John gave me an envelope and asked me to give it to you. He also said that the party was canceled. Did you speak to him?”

  “Yes, he called me when I got home.”

  “Well he didn’t mention that he’d talked to you but when he apologized for being overprotective of his sister and for punching me, I figured that he had. Are you okay?”