Something You Should Know

by Melissa Hill

  Jenny knew better than to say any more. She had thought, hoped that just for a minute back there, she was getting through to Karen. But she had forgotten how solidly stubborn her friend could be.

  The telephone rang in the hallway and Karen got up to answer it. Seconds later, she took the portable handset back into the living-room with her, raising an eyebrow at Jenny, as she listened to whatever the person on the other end was saying.

  “Here she is now,” she said, eyeing Jenny who gave her a curious look, wanting to know who the caller was. Karen shrugged as she handed her the handset.

  “Hello?” Jenny said curiously.

  “Jenny – hi, it’s Rebecca. I hope you don’t mind me ringing you here. I got the number from Rachel.”

  “Rebecca …um, hi, how are you?” Jenny was shocked. Why was Mike’s ex phoning her at Karen’s? And, more importantly, how did Rebecca know she was here?

  Jenny’s tone must have betrayed her, because straightaway Rebecca answered her unspoken questions. “Look, Jenny, Mike told me what happened.”

  Mortification burned through Jenny like fire through crepe paper. How could he have told Rebecca about the break-up – and so soon?

  “He told you?” she said, her voice high with emotion.

  “Yes, but that’s not the reason I rang. I’m not trying to judge you, or take sides or anything – believe me I probably would have done the same thing in your position – after all, you weren’t to know but –”

  “You would have done the same thing in my position – you mean he told you everything?” Jenny felt the blood rush to her head so quickly; she thought she would faint there and then. Betrayal, anger and disappointment coursed simultaneously through her, as she tried to take in what Mike had done. How dare he? How dare he humiliate her and Holly like that? She knew that Mike had been shocked and betrayed, but did he have to exasperate those feeling by telling everyone else? It didn’t sound like the Mike she knew.

  The worst feeling of all though, was the realisation that Mike was obviously determined to cut both of them – not just herself but Holly too – out of his life completely. She hoped that maybe he might continue to see Holly, just for the child’s sake. It had been a slim hope, but a hope nonetheless. After all, he had been a father to Holly since the day she was born, had been beside Jenny throughout her fifteen hours of labour, and had even cut the umbilical cord. She knew that she was being selfish in assuming that he might be able to come to terms with it, but Holly had been Mike’s world. He couldn’t have loved her any more than he did, or so she had thought. But he was obviously going to let Holly suffer for what Jenny had done, by revealing the truth about her father to anyone that might be interested. This showed a cruel and unforgiving side of him that Jenny hadn’t thought existed.

  Rebecca continued. “I only rang because I thought you must be wondering where Mike is staying and if he’s OK. I know he probably didn’t even ring to tell you where he went, but he was staying with Rachel these last few days. Don’t worry,” she added, correctly reading Jenny’s thoughts, “he hasn’t told her anything, but you know Rachel, she’ll be digging like crazy to find out what’s going on, and he’s sworn me to secrecy. Anyway, love, I just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you and don’t worry – it’ll all work out in the end.”

  Jenny barely remembered saying goodbye the other woman and her head was spinning as put down the phone.

  “What did she want?” Karen asked; intrigued by the one side of the conversation she had heard.

  “I don’t honestly know,” Jenny said, wide-eyed with mystification. “It was one of the strangest conversations I have ever had. From what I can make out, Mike told Rebecca that we had broken up and she just phoned to tell me that he’s fine and that everything will work out in the end. What do you think of that? The woman must be on drugs, or something.”

  Chapter 46

  It was a mild day, but the sun was nowhere to be seen. A dense blanket of dark, angry cloud that threatened rain had hidden it well.

  As she continued walking up the hill, Karen found the air becoming thicker as it passed through her lungs. It was especially humid today, she noticed, although maybe it was just that she was here again. She didn’t visit very often, didn’t feel the need to, because she knew that Shane was always with her.

  But today, Karen needed to ask him something.

  She noticed that the Quinns had erected a mammoth black marble headstone at the head of the grave. Shane’s name, date of birth and date of death had been etched in gold underneath a similar inscription bearing the name of Patrick Quinn, Shane’s father. Karen had only been at the graveside twice, once at the funeral and again last year for Shane’s first anniversary, but judging by the headstone’s pristine appearance and the fresh-looking etchings, it had been a recent addition to the hundreds, maybe thousands of other memorials in the graveyard.

  She took the gift she had brought him – a small teddy bear dressed in a miniature Liverpool football jersey – out of its bag, and sat it against the headstone. She smiled. Shane would get a laugh out of that.

  “They still haven’t won anything, love, not this year, but supposedly they’re getting better and better,” she said conversationally. “Mike says they’re got some great players, so it’s only a matter of time. Michael Owen is back from injury and scoring mad, but unfortunately that Manchester crowd are still doing it better than everyone else. Maybe next year.” Karen gave a little laugh and then her expression grew serious. She swallowed hard. “Shane, I’m in a bit of a quandary and I need your advice. This court case between your brother and me is coming up next week. I know I told you before that I was going to keep going, that I was going to fight to the end but, love, I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing any more.” She bit her lip. “I’m tired. I mean, sometimes I can barely sleep at night for thinking about it. And I feel angry all the time, not just angry at your mam and Jack, but angry at everyone. I get so wound up these days by everything, even the simplest little things. And I know that people think I’m crazy and obsessive about this, so much so that they can’t even talk about it any more, without me flying into a rage. They all think I’m going to lose, that I haven’t a hope of winning but they just can’t understand that I have to try – for your sake I have to try, don’t I?”

  She tried to imagine his face in front of her, but Karen found that as time went on, this was becoming more and more difficult. It wasn’t as though she had forgotten him, it was just getting harder to picture Shane exactly how he had been. The thought terrified her.

  “It’s just – God this is hard – it’s just that I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing any more, love. I’m finding it hard trying to make ends meet, and you know I’ve never ever been the best with money, but it’s so difficult to keep paying this mortgage on my own. I know how important that house was to you, and it’s important to me too but, Shane, I don’t know if I have the strength left in me to fight for it any more.”

  Karen stooped low beside the grave, and leaned her head on the headstone, tears dropping quickly onto cold marble. “I know that you’d have wanted me to try, and I will if you want me to. But if you could just let me know, somehow, what you think I should do. Please Shane, could you? Because I just don’t know any more. I’m doing my best to keep your memory alive, but it’s just so hard.”

  Hearing a sound behind her, Karen jumped up with fright. She looked behind her and saw a woman wearing a headscarf standing at the foot of another grave about ten yards away. The woman sneezed again and, head bent low; she held a handkerchief up to her mouth, appearing not to have noticed Karen.

  Karen exhaled a long breath, the unexpected interruption calming her a little. She turned back to the grave.

  “I’d better go, love,” she said softly. “It looks like it’s about to rain.” She gazed up at the by-now almost black clouds above them, clouds about to let loose a torrent of rain that would fall as quickly as balloons at midnight on New
Year’s Eve.

  Karen gathered her jacket tightly around her shoulders, and walked quickly back towards the car. She had just reached it and was struggling to find her keys, when she felt heavy drops of rain on her head. She was soaked within seconds, having been unable to locate the offending keys, and then swore under her breath as she realised they had been in the ignition all along.

  The car wasn’t locked and a drenched Karen removed her sopping leather jacket and flung it behind onto the back seat. Luckily, there was a fleece in the car. In an attempt to get dry, Karen put it on, then looked up miserably at the seemingly endless rain clouds. There wasn’t a streak of blue in sight.

  Despite herself, Karen chuckled. If this is supposed to be a sign from Shane, she thought, starting the ignition, she was more confused now than ever before.

  *****

  ‘Thanks, Marion, I really appreciate that – see you soon.” Jenny replaced the phone in its receiver. “She said I can take as much time off as I need, and I can take the exam at the repeats in a few months’ time,” she told Karen, who was trying her best not to look uncomfortable, having been given the job of feeding Holly while Jenny telephoned the office. Holly, aware of Karen’s discomfort, and clearly enjoying it, giggled and shook her head from side-to-side whenever a spoonful of food approached her mouth.

  “Um, Jen – I don’t think she’s hungry,” Karen said, hoping to be relieved of her duties.

  Jenny looked distracted. “What? Oh, she can be a bit fussy sometimes. Just keep trying, she’ll eat it eventually.”

  Karen couldn’t be sure, but she was almost positive that just then she saw Holly wink at her. Encouraged by this, she tried feeding her again but to no avail. Eventually, Karen put the food back down on the kitchen table and folded her arms across her chest. As soon as she did this, Holly began to cry.

  “Oh, I get it,” Karen said with a sardonic smile, “you don’t like it when the shoe’s on the other foot, do you? Well, missy, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, and you won’t get it until I’m good and ready to give it to you.”

  Holly gave her a look that conveyed utter disbelief.

  “Karen. She’s only a baby – she doesn’t understand.”

  “Ah, you see that’s what they want, Jen – they want us all to think that they’re helpless and innocent so they can get away with murder. I’ll bet you anything that it’s only an act, and they all know exactly what’s going on all the time. We’re the ones that are the fools.”

  “Oh, give it here, you idiot,” Jenny said, a smile playing about her lips. “God help us all if you ever have children.”

  “Well, if I do, they won’t get much past me,’ Karen said. “I won’t stand for any of this helpless nonsense.”

  Jenny nodded sagely. “Oh, I’m sure that they’ll be perfectly behaved children – model children. And before the age of two they’ll probably be able hold full conversations, change their own nappies, and feed themselves, because Mommy won’t let them get away with ‘the innocent act’. I tell you, Karen, I can’t wait to meet these kids.”

  Karen laughed. “Well, you’ll have a long wait. There isn’t even a daddy on the horizon yet.”

  “What about Aidan?” Jenny asked carefully. “You two have got very close.”

  Karen felt herself redden slightly. “Aidan’s been a good friend to me.”

  “And?”

  “And what? It wouldn’t be right. I’d feel as though I was betraying Shane.”

  Jenny was about to start a spiel about him wanting her to be happy, but she had put her foot in it too many times before. She didn’t want to risk upsetting Karen, who seemed in much better form since visiting Shane’s grave the other day.

  “I know what you’re thinking,” Karen said, “and there’s a side of me that knows full well that I should move on, that way. But there’s a lot that needs sorting out. I wouldn’t be able to deal with seeing someone new, and all the complications associated with it.”

  “And what does Aidan think?”

  Karen blushed. “I know he has feelings for me, but I’m not sure. We’ll see what happens. There might not be anything real there; maybe we’ve just become artificially close because of everything we’ve gone through.”

  “It’s a good a reason as any,” Jenny said, thinking it would be wonderful for Karen to start living a normal life again. As far as she was concerned, her friend had grieved long enough. She would never stop loving Shane and she would never forget him, but that didn’t mean that she should hide away from life and love forever. Aidan was probably the one person that would be able to understand that while Karen could never quite let go, at least she could move on. What a pity, Jenny thought, that she couldn’t move on from her obsession with keeping the house.

  Karen resumed feeding Holly who, this time, took the food from her without complaint. “See? I told you I’d sort her out,” she said to Jenny with a grin. “Your little girl is a fast learner. She knows now that she can’t mess with the likes of Karen Cassidy – Toddler Trainer Extraordinare.”

  “You idiot,” Jenny said, filling a basin for the washing-up. “Now – as soon as we’re finished here, I’m going to take Holly for a spin out to Dun Laoghaire to meet with this estate agent. It’s the same guy that sold Mike our house in Blackrock so I hope he doesn’t recognise me. Anyway, if all goes well we’ll be out of your hair soon.”

  “I told you before that it’s not a problem,” Karen said with a smile. “I like having you two around. After all, I wouldn’t know myself if I didn’t fall over one of Holly’s toys on the stairs at least once a day, and I definitely couldn’t live without regular doses of Bananas in Pyjamas – hey, I’m only joking.” She ducked laughing, as Jenny tried to shower her with washing-up suds. Holly let out a shriek of delight, obviously pleased to see her mother being playful. “Seriously, you can stay as long as you like – well, as long as I’m here anyway,” she added quickly.

  Jenny hugged her warmly. “Thanks. I don’t know what I would have done without you. I couldn’t have stayed at our – at Mike’s house for much longer.”

  Karen stood up and took a tea towel from a cupboard beneath the sink.

  “How do you feel about everything now?” she asked, picking up a bundle of cutlery and drying each piece separately, before replacing them in a drawer.

  Jenny shrugged. “It’s kind of strange, really, but I feel – and I’m sure that this is hard for you to understand – kind of liberated, I suppose. I couldn’t ever say that I’m glad about what happened, but I’m kind of glad that I was forced into being honest.”

  “Have you decided whether or not you’re going to tell Roan?”

  Jenny stopped what she was doing for a moment and looked up. “I haven’t fully decided yet but no, I don’t think I’ll tell him. It was never about that, really. It was more about freeing myself, if you like.”

  Karen hesitated. “Jen, I hope you don’t mind my saying so, but I think then that it was a little unfair of you to tell Mike the truth. It all seems a little bit pointless if you don’t follow it up by telling Roan. I mean, why hurt Mike and deprive Holly of a father? Why say anything at all?”

  Jenny shrugged. “I had to – I just had to tell him. What kind of relationship could Mike and I have had if I didn’t?”

  “Yes, but you’ve got no relationship at all now, do you? You’ve sacrificed everything for the sake of one little detail.”

  “It’s not a little detail to me, though – it never has been. I couldn’t have gone on the way I had for much longer, constantly afraid that somebody might notice something. You can see for yourself how different she is from Mike and me. It would have come out sooner or later, Karen. Roan’s return gave me the push I needed.”

  “And none of this was about Roan at all? Not even a teeny-tiny bit?” asked Karen, anxious for Jenny’s response to this particular question.

  Jenny shook her head firmly from side to side, and smiled as she noticed Holly imitating her f
rom where she sat across the room.

  “Not even a teeny-tiny bit. I got over Roan a long time ago. He means nothing to me now. And any love I had for him doesn’t even come close to what I feel for Mike. He is, well, he was, the only one for me. I don’t think it’s possible for me to love him any more than I do, Karen.” Her eyes brimmed with unshed tears. “And it is for exactly that reason that I had to tell him. I know that he’s hurting terribly now, but I think that in the long run, he’ll be glad that he knows the truth. At least now he has the choice of either walking away, or living with the consequences. Imagine if he found out after we were married? Wouldn’t that be a lot worse?”

  Karen nodded. “Maybe you’re right. But I feel sorry for him, though. He loves you two so much.”

  “Not any longer, but we’ll have to live with it,” said Jenny. “Anyway, we’ll be OK, won’t we Holly?”

  Holly responded by grinning and waving her hands happily in the air.

  Karen finished putting away the delph and boiled more water in the kettle for a pot of tea. Then she stopped and put her hand on her hips. “OK,” she began, exhaling loudly, “I have to tell you something.”

  “What?” Jenny looked up sharply from across the room, where she had been disentangling Holly from her dirty dinner bib.

  Karen remained standing at the sink. “Aidan’s met up with Roan a few times since he came back from America.”

  “Oh. He hasn’t said anything, has he?”

  “No, I don’t think Aidan even has a clue that Mike and Roan are in the same line of work, let alone the same company. Anyway, Jen, after all this time, Aidan probably wouldn’t even remember that you and Roan were ever going out together. You know what guys are like.”

  Jenny nodded silently, wondering what was coming next.

  Karen took a deep breath. “Apparently, Roan got married sometime last year to an American girl that he met over there. They have a seven-month-old baby, a boy I think.” She waited for a reaction from Jenny but there was none. “They moved to Ireland for a couple of reasons, one because the economy is on the slide in the States, and two, because your woman didn’t want to bring up the child in the big city. Roan put out a few feelers back here, and somehow ended up at InTech.”