Ellie rolled her eyes, moving her arm across her body and letting it fall at her side.
Xander looked down at her for an excruciatingly long time. Hours, days, weeks passed in the blink of an eye. And then he was sliding downward, moving his legs onto the outsides of hers. His arms slipped up and under her shoulders and he slowly lowered his chest to hers.
"You're beautiful," he said, placing a kiss between her breasts before moving upward to capture her lips again.
She sighed into his mouth, her fingers stroking the sides of his ribs. She could feel his hardness pressing firmly into her belly and she felt her own desire match his.
But then, all of a sudden, her chest felt heavy, constricted, hard to breathe. Each time she tried to inhale, the anxiety climbed higher. A sick, rolling feeling settled in her stomach, her skin felt electric, sparking and crawling, like she was coming out of it. Xander's hands were innocently holding onto her shoulders, but his arms started to feel like a prison. She tried to pull her legs up and found them trapped beneath him. A band of fear moved to her throat, squeezing until she felt hysterical.
She needed to get away. She had to escape.
Then she struggled, moving her hands to press against his stomach, shoving despite their shaking. "Off," she said against his mouth, the sound coming out choked and airy. "Off. Get off," she tried again, her voice rising.
Xander raised his head to look at her, her eyes huge, her lips trembling. He pushed back onto his heels watching in horror as she brought a shaking hand to her throat and gasped for breath. "Ellie..." he said, his voice soft, concerned. "Hey, baby... you're alright. It's okay..."
But she wasn't listening, lost in her panic attack, her eyes wild and far away. He pulled his pants up, standing, unsure what he could do other than give her space. He watched her, curling into herself, rocking back and forth, her chest rising and falling too quickly. "What can I do?" he asked, half to himself. "Sweetheart, tell me what to do..." he said, his voice helpless, vulnerable. He reached out, tentatively, and touched her ankle.
She sprang away from him like he'd slapped her, jumping off the bed, looking around for a second, then running for the bathroom, and slamming the door.
He followed behind her, stopping outside the door, his hands on either side of the frame. He knew he couldn't barge in. She needed to calm herself down, but he felt useless standing there not doing anything. He took a breath, moving back into the apartment and putting the water for tea on.
Ellie threw herself into the bathroom, turning the water in the shower on cold. She stripped out of her pants and underwear and stepped under the stream.
Breathe. She needed to breathe. The water sent shock waves over her skin, making her gasp, pushing the crawling feeling away. Then just as suddenly as it started, she felt the fist constricting her chest start to loosen, letting her inhale, gulping at air like she'd suffocated.
When her chest felt back to normal, the tears came. Hot, unwanted, but undeniable. Her hands went to her face, trying to stifle the sound of her sobs. She slowly sank to her knees in the tub, curling forward and letting it out. Anxiety, like poison, needed to seep out of the system.
The aftermath left her feeling strangely hollow, frazzled, and burned out.
God, what must Xander think? She turned her hot face against the tile, feeling different tears fill her eyes. Embarrassment. Regret. She had just... yelled at him. She'd pushed him off. She'd ignored his attempts to help. She'd jumped away from him like he'd shocked her. And ran like a madwoman to the bathroom.
The worst part was that she had wanted him. She had really, really wanted him. She hadn't wanted to stop. But she couldn't calm herself down. She couldn't push the fears away.
And now he probably wouldn't want to come near her ever again with the way she had reacted.
She stood up slowly, turning off the water, squeezing out her hair. She opened the curtain, remembering she had forgotten to grab a towel. But then there was one hanging on the hook right outside the shower. She reached for it, scrubbing the water off her face. Then she noticed the pile of clothes sitting on the edge of the sink. One of his huge, baggy sweatshirts and a pair of her leggings. Like he thought she would want some kind of sex barrier from him. Or... maybe he wanted one from her, she thought with a sinking feeling in her chest.
Ellie dressed slowly, towel drying her hair until it wasn't dripping anymore, took a deep breath, and opened the door. She was going to have to face him. And worrying about it would probably prove worse than the actual confrontation.
She found him in the kitchen, bent forward over the counter, fiddling with something. When he heard her feet on the floor, he turned, giving a small smile, holding out a cup of tea. "Milk and sugar," he said, waiting for her to take it. "I think I got it right," he said, shuffling his feet slightly.
Ellie looked down at the cup, disbelieving for a second, before reaching it out and cradling it in her hands. "Thank you," she said, bringing it up and smelling it. Why was he so good? If he could just... be mad or yell at her. She would have been able to face that easier. "Xander," she started, her tone sad. "I'm so sorr..."
"Don't," he interrupted, his brows drawn together, "don't you dare apologize," he said. He lifted his hand slowly, showing her his open palm for a split second before moving it to the side of her face. He lifted her chin until her eyes found his. "Are you alright?" he asked. And it wasn't condescending. Or confused. He understood. And he wasn't judging her.
Ellie looked down at her tea for a second, nodding. "Yeah."
"Good," Xander said, rubbing his thumb across her jawbone. "That's all that matters."
Ellie looked up, seeing nothing but sincerity in his eyes.
And that's what did it.
Fourteen
Ellie watched him as she took a long sip of her tea, her throat dry. She swallowed, putting the cup back down on the counter, and walked into his arms.
Because she couldn't let the fear win. Because each time she did, it made it easier to let it win the next time. And the time after that. And also, because regardless of how her body had reacted, she wanted him. She wanted him more than she could ever recall wanting anyone. Then he had gone and been so... good. Again. Understanding and kind, more worried about her than his own frustrated desire.
Was there anything more attractive than a man who actually cared?
Ellie kissed under his collarbone, her hands rubbing across his lower back. Xander took a deep breath, the side of his face resting on her head. "Ellie this is probably not..."
"Shh," she said, pulling slightly away and going up on her tiptoes. "Can we just.. pretend that didn't happen?" she asked, not quite able to meet his eyes. "Please," she said, the word barely above a whisper.
"You're sure?" he asked, his hands already sneaking up under the heavy material of his sweatshirt.
"Mmmhmm," she said, leaning up and planting a kiss on his chin because she couldn't reach his lips.
He laughed, smiling down at her. "Okay," he said, sounding amused. "Use me for my body," he said, winking at her.
Ellie giggled, shaking her head. "Only if you promise to use me for mine," she said.
"Oh, I was planning on it," he said, his hands slipping down and grabbing her ass, hauling her against him. She could feel his hardness pressing against her and she sucked in her breath. "But, how about this time... you take the lead?" he asked.
There was insecurity almost immediately. It was the kind of self-consciousness that can only come from never being given the chance to do anything but lie there. But there was an equal amount of excitement too. And a strange feeling she didn't recognize right at first, but realized was... power. After years of complete and utter powerlessness, she was being given the choice to be the one completely in control.
"Okay," she said, feeling a bit nauseated, but wanting to give it a try nonetheless.
"Okay," Xander agreed, grabbing her ass harder and lifting her the air. She s
creeched, throwing her arms around his neck as he walked her back toward the bed.
Once at the side, he put her down on her feet and took a step back from her. "Alright," he said, smiling a goofy boyish smile. "Do you want me clothed or not?"
Ellie smiled, looking at her feet for a second, getting her courage. "Definitely not," she found herself saying, ignoring the weird fluid feeling in her belly. Because this could be fun. If she worked past the uncertainty, it could be so much fun.
Xander nodded, watching her as he reached down and untied his drawstring, letting his pants fall to his feet and stepping out of the legs. He winked at her and got into the bed, propping his arms behind his head, lying there in all his naked glory. Awaiting instructions.
She almost laughed. She wanted to laugh. And he probably wouldn't have taken offense. But, a part of her that used to read trashy magazines, reminded her to never laugh at a naked man. No matter how silly they might be acting.
She took a deep breath, reaching for the hem of the sweatshirt and hauling it off of her body, tossing it carelessly to the floor. Xander's smile froze on his face, his eyes getting heavier, losing their amusement. Emboldened, Ellie reached for the waistband of her pants, pulling them down quickly before she could talk herself out of it.
When she stood back up, Xander had sat up and moved to the side of the bed, his feet resting on the floor. He stretched his arms out toward her, waiting. Waiting for her to step into them. Because she was the one in charge. She walked closer and stepped between his legs. His arms went around her, his face moved to press against her belly.
They stood like that for a long time. Ellie's hands went up, one resting on his shoulder, one stroking his hair, just enjoying the closeness, enjoying the intimacy. She felt his warm breath on her belly and she sighed. "Okay," she said, releasing his hair. "I think it's time for the bed," she said, feeling shy again. Would she ever get better at being commanding? Was it something that needed to come naturally? Or was it something you could learn?
"Yes, ma'am," Xander said, pulling backward and reclining against the pillows, propped up on his side. He looked up at her, seeing a bit of the uncertainty, and tapped the space next to him. She could take the lead, but she needed someone to help her along.
She slid in beside him, looking up at the ceiling for a exaggeratedly long time. His hand reached out, touching her belly. "Is this okay?"
"Mmmhmm," she said, tilting her head toward him, but closing her eyes.
He stroked slow circles around her belly, varying sizes each time, until she was arching into his hand. His hand moved upward, the tips of his fingers grazing the sensitive undersides of her breasts. When she didn't flinch or start breathing too heavily, his hand moved upward, cupping one of her breasts and running his thumb over the hardened point.
Her eyes flew open. "You alright?" he asked, praying she was. There was so much more he wanted to do.
She nodded, looking down at his hand. He squeezed her nipple between his thumb and forefinger, making her arch off the mattress. He moved slowly, sliding his face across her ribs and taking her other nipple into his mouth, licking the point.
Ellie closed her eyes, letting herself get completely wrapped up in the sensation. Her breasts felt heavy and sensitive. His tongue sent a wave of need down her body. She groaned, pushing her thighs closer together, trying to ease the throbbing there.
Xander lifted his head, moving across and taking the other nipple into his mouth, his hand sliding down her ribs and all the way down to the side of her thigh. Then back up. And down. A slow, lazy exploration, building the tension until her hands were digging into the sheets and her mouth was open, her breath huffing out of it erotically. Then he lifted his head, watching her face as his hand started to slide across her thigh, stroking her knee, working upward.
Ellie took a deep breath, her thighs falling open to his curious hands. Her eyes opened, looking at his. Waiting. Anticipating. But Xander's fingers were slowly stroking the soft skin of her inner thighs, drawing it out, knowing how badly she needed it, but determined to make her ask (or beg) for it. His finger slipped into the crease where thigh met hip and a shudder ran through her body. "Oh, my God," she sighed, her hips moving upward, shameless in her desire.
He looked at her, his brow arched upward, awaiting his orders. She almost wanted to laugh. As if it wasn't painfully obvious what she wanted. "Touch me," she said, her voice barely a whisper, her cheeks turning red.
But he wasn't going to let her get away with it that easily. "Where?" he asked, innocently.
Ellie closed her eyes and took a breath, as if saying a silent prayer for patience. She reached down, grabbing his hand and moving it inward.
"Ohhh," Xander said, leaning down and planting a kiss on her nose, "there."
Ellie was going to say something smart, snarky, but then his finger slipped between her delicate folds and every thought flew out of her mind.
She remembered this part, the finger testing to see if she was ready before he jumped on top of her. Nothing romantic. Nothing sensual.
Nothing like this. Xander's finger slid upward, working tiny small circles around her clit. Ellie's knees came up off the mattress, her feet planted, her hips moving into his hand, needing more. Then his finger started moving side to side and his mouth fell on hers again. Softer. Sweeter. A kiss she could melt into.
The pressure was building. Her body was reaching for something just out of reach. And then his finger slipped downward. With an almost-growl, Ellie sank her teeth into his lower lip as punishment, making him grunt.
His finger dipped lower still, pressing at her entrance, not pushing in for an impossibly long time. She pushed her hips against his hand. He pulled away, waiting for her eyes to open, wanting to watch her as his finger slipped slowly inside.
Xander took a breath, watching her eyes widen as his finger slipped into her tight, wet core. Once his finger was fully in, he paused, waited. Until her hips started to move against him. Then he pulled it halfway out and back in. Slowly. So slowly it was almost painful.
It wasn't enough. Ellie rocked her hips to meet him, the pressure only building, becoming more overwhelming with no end in sight. She needed him. She reached out, grabbing his side, pulling him, trying to make him come over her.
Xander smiled down at her, removing his hand and reaching across her body for a small box he kept on the makeshift nightstand. She heard the telltale crinkle, the sound that said she was safe, that they were being safe.
He stretched out back on the bed, ignoring her hands trying to drag him back on top of her. "Here," he said, reaching for her hip and pulling until she sat up. She knelt next to him, looking down, confused. He stroked his hand down her thigh, grabbing her knee and pulling her across his body until she was straddling him. "I think this will be better," he said, not wanting her to feel trapped if he was on top of her, not trusting himself to be able to keep whatever pace that would be best for her.
Ellie looked down at him, uncertain. In the past, sex had been strictly missionary or from behind. She had never been given the opportunity to be on top. She wasn't even entirely sure what she was really supposed to do.
"Do you want to stop?" he asked. Please, oh God, please say no. She shook her head, looking down at him, her confusion plain on her face. "Lift your hips, baby," he said, one of his hands slipping down to grab his cock. When she pulled herself upward, he stroked his cock between her sensitive folds, moving up to rub around her clit, then slipping back down and pressing against her entrance. His hand slid down to the base, waiting.
She rubbed against him a few times before slowly sinking her hips back down, feeling his cock push past the threshold. There was a stinging, a pinching, reminding her how long it had been, just barely painful... the need so strong it quickly overtook the discomfort. She took him in slowly, lost in the sensation of him widening her, filling her impossibly full. She felt her hips push down on Xander's hips just when she was sure
she couldn't fit him any deeper inside.
She opened her eyes, looking down at him, knowing she was smiling a foolish, girly smile and not caring. Xander smiled back, reaching out to take one of her hands in his. His other hand settled on her hip.
Ellie grabbed his hand tighter, starting to move tentatively, unsure. She pushed her hips forward, groaning as his cock pressed against her front wall, hinting at a sensitive spot but not quite pressing against it. She pulled her hips back slowly. "Oh," she groaned, taking a deep breath.
Xander watched her as she slid up and down his body, trying to focus on her enjoyment, trying not to pay attention to his own need for release. She was so fucking tight.
Ellie pushed faster, feeling a tightening in her core, knowing if she could push past it, there would be something amazing. Her hand pressed down on Xander's stomach, her short nails cutting into his skin. She was too lost in her own sensations to notice. Her head tipped back, rocking against him, moaning wildly.
If this was what sex was supposed to feel like, she had never really experienced it before. The urging. The pleasure that was almost pain. The unknown... begging her to push harder, faster.
"Baby," Xander's voice broke in, gravely and strained. She opened her eyes, looking down at him, sweat glistening slightly on his chest. "Come here," he said, reaching for her arm to pull her forward.
Ellie followed his direction, laying her body down on his, her arms slipping under his shoulders.
He needed to take control or she was going to drive him to the edge before she got what she needed. His hands slid down her back to grab her hips, holding them in place. He starting moving his hips upward, his thrusts fast, almost frantic.
"Oh," Ellie cried out, her head falling down on his chest. "Oh, my god," she groaned out, her thighs tensing as he pushed into her, deep, relentless, never giving her a second to have the desire ebb. He pushed her mercilessly toward something that had every muscle in her body rigid, sweat slick on her skin. Her fingers bit into his shoulders, her hips dropping down lower.
Dark Mysteries Page 13