Even the Wicked

by Lawrence Block

Page 44

 

  "Clear up a point for me," he said when she came over to our table. "Whats your order?"

  "Youve got it backwards. Im supposed to take your order. "

  "I dont want to take your order, I just want to know what it is. Are you a Carmelite or are you one of the Little Sisters of the Poor?" When she looked confused he said, "Im just joking, honey. Dont mind me. I know youre new here, but they must have told you Im harmless. "

  "Oh, I dont know," she said. "I bet youre armed and dangerous. "

  He grinned, delighted. "Hey, youre okay," he said. "You give as good as you get. Ill tell you what. Bring me another round, a double shot and a beer, but what you can do, you can make it two double shots, and two beers. " My face must have shown something, because he said, "Relax, Mattie. I know you wouldnt touch a drop to save your soul, you self-righteous fuck. And please pardon my French, sweetheart, and whatever you do dont tell your Mother Superior what I just said. I want you to bring me two rounds at once so we wont have to disturb you later, and you can also bring my sobersided father here whatever hes having. "

  "Club soda will be fine," I told her.

  "Bring him two club sodas," he said, "and the devil take the hindmost. " She walked off, her cottontail bobbing, and he said, "I dont know how I feel about silicone. They all look perfect but they dont look real. And whats the effect on the next generation? Do teenage boys grow up expecting perfect tits?"

  "When youre a teenage boy," I said, "all tits are perfect. "

  "Not if all you ever see is silicone. Used to be girls would go out and get their tits done so they could get a guy. Now theres married men asking their wives to call the plastic surgeon, make an appointment. What do I want for Christmas, Mona? Well, now that you mention it, big knockersd be nice. Make sense to you?"

  "Hardly anything does," I said.

  "Amen to that, brother. "

  "And yet you come here," I said.

  "I like tawdry," he said, "and I like tacky, and I have a passion for paradox. And, even though I barely look at the tits, its nice to know theyre there if I get the urge. Plus this place is three blocks from the fucking office and yet no one from the paper would be caught dead here, so I dont get disturbed. Thats my story, Monsieur Poirot. Now whats your excuse?"

  "I came here to see you. "

  She brought the drinks. "On my tab," he said, and gave her a five-dollar tip. "Im a class guy," he said. "You notice I just gave her the money. I didnt try to stuff it down the front of her spandex shorts, as Ive seen some of the customers do. I more or less assumed you came here to see me, O Great Detective. What I wondered is why. "

  "To see what you could tell me about Will. "

  "Ah, I see. You want the hat trick. "

  "Hows that?"

  "You unmasked one killer and brought another back alive. Whats it like in Lakewood, Ohio, anyway? Do the natives wear shoes?"

  "For the most part. "

  "Glad to hear it. You got Adrian, you got this Havemeyer, and now you want Will Number Two. Adrians understudy, if you want to stay with the theatrical image Regis invoked so nicely in his oped piece. " His eyes widened. "Wait a minute," he said.

  "Havemeyers first name is William, isnt it? What do they call him?"

  "When I called him anything," I said, "it was Mr. Havemeyer. "

  "So it could be Bill or Willie. Or even Will. "

  "It could be anything at all," I said. "I told you what I called him. "

  "I thought cops always call perps by their first names. "

  "I guess Ive been off the job too long. "

  "Yeah, youve turned respectful. Its good youre not still wearing the uniform or youd be a disgrace to it. If they call him Will, and whos to say they dont, thatd be the hat trick all right, wouldnt it? Three guys named Will, and Mattie gets em all. "

  "Im not chasing Will Number Two. "

  "Youre not?"

  I shook my head. "Im just your average concerned citizen," I said. "All I know is what I read in the papers. "

  "You and Will Rogers. "

  "And I was wondering what you might know that theyre not reporting. For instance, has there been another letter from the guy?"

  "No. "

  "He always sent a letter after each killing. Like a terrorist group claiming credit for a bombing. "

  "So?"

  "Its surprising hed break the pattern. "

  He rolled his eyes. "Its Adrians pattern," he said, "and Adrians not writing letters these days. Why expect the new guy to operate, the same way?"

  "Thats a point. "

  "Adrian didnt threaten three guys at once, either. Theres a lot of differences between them, including the psychological gobbledygook everybodys been spouting. " He had already thrown down one double shot, and now he took a dainty sip of the other and chased it with an equally dainty sip of beer. "Thats why I wrote what I did," he said.

  "The column where you taunted him?"

  "Uh-huh. I dont know. One day I was annoyed the way everybody else was calling him a paper tiger, and next thing I knew I was trying to bait him. "

  "I was wondering about that. "

  "I decided they were right," he said, "and I decided the guy was never gonna do anything, and I got the bright idea that if I stuck something through the bars of his cage and poked him hed at least roar, and maybe that would give the cops something to go on. And I knew it was safe to provoke him because he wasnt about to get out of the cage. "

  "But he did. "

  "Yeah. Im not saying its my fault, because fucking Kilbourne was pretty provocative himself, telling Will to strike the set and get his ass off the stage. But I dont mind telling you its pretty much ended my interest in the matter. "

  "Oh?"

  "Im glad I havent had another I-shot-the-sheriff letter from the son of a bitch. If he writes any more letters I hope he mails them to somebody else. I dont think he will, and I dont think hell kill anybody else, either, although Im not about to suggest they quit guarding Peter Tully and Judge Rome. But the point is Im walking away from it. I can find other things to write about. "

  "Its not hard in this town. "

  "Not hard at all. "

  I took a long drink of club soda. Out of the corner of my eye I watched our waitress take an order from a table of new arrivals, three men in their early thirties dressed in jackets and ties. One of them was stroking her bottom and patting her cottontail. She didnt even seem to notice.

  I said, "Maybe I shouldnt even bring this up," I said, "considering your lack of interest. But I wanted your input. "

  "Go ahead. "

  I dug out my notebook, flipped it open. " My curse upon the withered hand that grips my nations throat. "

  He froze with the glass halfway to his lips, screwed up his face in a frown. "What the hell is that?"

  "Sound familiar?"

  "It does but I cant think why. Help me out here, Mattie. "

  "The first letter from Will Number Two, where he shared his little three-name list with us. "

  "Thats right," he said. "He was going on about Peter Tully, right after that crap about chucking a wrench into the machinery of the city, or whatever the hell it was. So?"

  "Except he had it a little different. A curse upon the withered hand that grips a citys throat. A curse instead of my curse, and a city instead of my nation. "

  "So?"

  "So Will was paraphrasing the original. "

  "What original?" He frowned again, and then drew back his head and looked at me. "Wait a minute," he said.

  "Take all the time you want, Marty. "

  "Ill be sweetly and resoundingly fucked," he said. "You know who the cocksucker was quoting?"

  "Who?"

  "Me," he said, eyebrows raised high in indignation. "He was quoting me. Or paraphrasing me, or whatever the hell you want to call it. "

  "No kidding?"

  "You wouldnt know it," he said, "because nobody knows it, but once upon a time I had the bad taste and il
l fortune to write a play. "

  "The Tumult in the Clouds. "

  "My God, how would you know that? Its from Yeats, the poems An Irish Airman Foresees His Death. Sweet Christ, it was awful. "

  "Im sure it was better than that. "

  "No, it was a stinker, and you dont have to take my word for it. The reviews showed rare unanimity of opinion on that subject. Nobody objected to the title, though, even though it had nothing to do with flying. There was plenty of tumult, however. Short on clouds, long on tumult. But it was Irish as all getout, my heartfelt autobiographical take on the Irish-American experience, and nothing gets an Irish book or play off to a better start than a title from Yeats. Its good the old boy wrote a lot. "

  "And the lines from your play?"

  "The line?"

  "The one about the withered hand and the nations throat. "

  "Oh, that Will did a turn on. In the play the withered hand was Queen Victorias, if I remember correctly. And the throat was that of Holy Ireland, youll be unsurprised to learn. It was a tinker woman who delivered the line. Mother of Mercy, what did I know about tinker women? Or Ireland either, for that matter. Ive never been to the poor benighted country, and never want to go, either. "

  "Youre pretty good," I said.

  "Hows that, Mattie?"

  "Not recognizing the line at first. Then realizing that I must know where its from, and deciding to come up with it first yourself. And pretending that youre unaware that I know where the lines from, but how could you be? Because how would I know the original line if I didnt know about the play?"

  "Hey, you lost me around the clubhouse turn. "

  "Oh?"

  He hefted his glass. "You sober sons of bitches," he said, "you just dont understand how this stuff slows down the thought processes. You want to go over that again? You must have known because I had to know because you knew because I said you said-you see what I mean, Mattie? Its confusing. "

  "I know. "

  "So do you want to run it by me one more time?"

  "I dont think so. "

  "Hey, suit yourself. Youre the one brought it up, so-"

  "Give it up, Marty. "

  "Hows that?"

  "I know you did it. You wrote the letters and you killed Regis Kilbourne. "

  "Thats fucking nuts. "

  "I dont think so. "

  "Why would I do any of that? You want to tell me that?"

  "You wrote the letters to stay in the limelight. "

  "Me? Youre kidding, right?"

  "Will made you really important," I said. "You wrote a column and the next thing anybody knew a killer was knocking off prominent people all over New York. "

  "And Omaha. Dont forget Omaha. "

  "Then Will killed himself, and it turned out the Wizard of Oz was just the little man behind the curtain. He was Adrian Whitfield, and he wasnt larger than life anymore. There was no more story, and that meant no more front-page headlines for you. And you couldnt stand that. "