Found (Lost and Found #2, New Adult Romance) (Lost & Found)

by Nadia Simonenko

  How many women’s recoveries has she witnessed? How many wonderful success stories has she watched walk out that door?

  “Number sixteen?” calls out a young-sounding voice from behind me, and I spin around to meet my counselor.

  “Hi, my name is Corinne,” she greets me. “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

  My counselor is a very thin young woman who’s almost a foot shorter than me. She has green eyes like mine, more freckles than not, and fiery red hair tied into a ponytail by an oversized yellow ribbon. Is she really my counselor? Is she a trainee? She can’t possibly be any older than thirty. How is someone as young as her supposed to help me?

  She catches me staring at her, and she winks and smiles knowingly.

  “It’s not about how old your counselor is—it’s about how you connect with her,” she tells me in a low, serene purr.

  “Sorry,” I apologize, feeling my face turn as red as her hair. “I was just surprised. I didn’t expect... well, you know. Someone so young.”

  “Different people heal in different ways,” she whispers back to me. “For me, becoming a counselor and helping others was the step I needed. It was my missing piece.”

  I stare back at her wide-eyed and speechless as all the doors separating us open wide and our secrets are thrown into the light. How many people have been hurt like I was? Maybe Owen and I aren’t exceptions at all—maybe there are lots of people like us. I don’t know whether to be excited or horrified at the thought.

  What I do know is that I can connect with her. I can really do this.

  “Are you ready?” she asks, beckoning me toward the long hallway.

  I nod and follow behind her. Her ponytail sways slowly back and forth behind her like a pendulum as we walk down the hall. It feels as if the lights are getting brighter around me with each step I take. Looking back over my shoulder, the waiting room seems almost pitch-black against the gleaming white of the counseling area.

  At the end of the hall, Corinne opens a door and holds it open for me. I take one last look over my shoulder, take a deep breath, and then step over the threshold with as much confidence as I can muster. Somewhere close by, Owen’s taking the step he needs to be complete again, and now it’s time for me to take mine.

  “You’re going to be okay now,” whispers Corinne, and she closes the door behind us.

  Tuesday, April 30 – 1:15 PM

  Owen

  I finish grading the assignment I’m working on and sigh as I move onto the next one. I have two hours until it’s time to teach my class, and after my disastrous weekend, I need to catch up on my work.

  Not that it matters too much anymore... I still don’t have anywhere to go once school ends. I need to figure out what happens next—what happens once I finish my M.S and lose my stipend. Maybe Craig will let me crash with him until I can find a job or another program accepts me. I have no idea.

  I also need to figure out what to do about counseling. Maria was right; I need to keep doing it. Just being there this morning and talking to my counselor Angela made me feel less strung-out and overwhelmed. Not that one session is much to judge by, but it’s a start. I have no idea how I’ll afford to go once my student health insurance ends, but I need to find a way.

  Soon the second assignment is graded, and it’s time to work on something else for a bit—something more pressing to me. I pull out the letter and re-read what I’ve written so far.

  Dear Maria,

  I have no idea how to thank you for what you did last night. It was...

  That’s it. That’s all I have. It sounds like hyperbole but I truly don’t know how to thank her. Never in my life have I felt like I did last night at the bridge, staring down into the darkness below and begging it to swallow me. The feeling scares me now. I was so close to giving in and taking that last step.

  I scribble out the last two words and start writing.

  I have no idea how to thank you for what you did last night or for taking me to counseling this morning. I’ve never felt as lost and completely alone as I did last night, never hated myself as much as I did when I saw how much I’d hurt you...

  I run out of words again and put the letter aside. It’s going to take a long time to write it, but I want it to be perfect. Maria saved my life. She deserves perfection and instead she somehow got stuck with me.

  I put the letter into my backpack and move on to the next homework assignment. Only forty pages to go. Halfway through the page, my phone rings. It’s Professor Meador. He probably has more homework for me to grade.

  “Owen? Got a second to talk?” he asks.

  “Sure. Just grading your papers anyway.”

  “The homework can wait,” he says for the first time in recorded history. “We need to talk about your doctoral application.”

  “Do you mean the first one they rejected or the second one?” I ask bitterly.

  “Neither. I mean the third one that you haven’t, technically, submitted yet.”

  “I... wait, what are you talking about?” I ask in confusion. “Why would I apply again? They’re not going to accept me. It’s stupid to keep wasting money on application fees when the school’s just going to...”

  “Owen, do you remember what you scored on your graduate admissions exam back when you first applied to be my student?” he asks, interrupting me.

  “I never saw the scores,” I answer. “They were sent to my parents’ house.”

  “You had a 332,” he tells me, and my jaw nearly hits the floor. “You know how good a score that is, right? If it wasn’t for Cornell’s ridiculous leave policy, you’d be picking your doctoral lab right now instead of going home to change into your best suit.”

  “My best suit? What are you talking about?”

  I have no idea what he’s talking about anymore, and I don’t have a best suit. I own one suit and it’s from a second-hand store.

  “Go change and then come meet me at my office,” he instructs me. “I’ll explain when you get here.”

  “Can you at least give me a hint?” I ask. “What’s going on?”

  “A dear colleague of mine is waiting here in my office, and he’s very excited to meet you.”

  I leap up from my chair and shove the pile of homework assignments into my backpack.

  “I’ll be right there. Thank you so much!”

  I don’t know who he’s talking about nor how he’s found a way around Cornell’s grade policy, but I’m grateful beyond words for him trying to help me.

  “I told you I take care of my students, and I meant it,” he answers, and then he hangs up.

  I race through the deserted library stacks, down the clattering metal stairwell, and out the front door toward my apartment. I don’t know what’s going on, but I need to go find my suit.

  Thursday, May 9 – 4:30 PM

  Maria

  “Maria!” screams Tina at the top of her lungs from downstairs. “Oh my god, Maria! They actually accepted me!”

  “Hang on just a second,” I call back to her as I lay on the carpet in my bedroom. “I’ll be right down.”

  I need to finish this entry first.

  The last line of the entry reads, “What did he do to me?” I mouth silently as I hide in the stall. “What the hell did Darren do to me?”

  I draw a line below it, take a deep breath and begin writing the new and important part of the entry on the next line.

  The fear grew worse and worse all through high school until I could barely breathe around other people. I was too scared even to see my old friends anymore. I was afraid they’d learn what happened to me and treat me like human trash, just as I feared my mother would if she ever found out. I wanted to hide from everyone in college, too.

  Instead, something incredible happened—something I never believed possible.

  I met people who loved me no matter how broken I was. First I met my roommate Tina, and later, my boyfriend Owen. Now that I’ve met people I can trust—met someone I could fall in love with�
�I’ve started opening up again. I fell in love with Owen, something I never believed I could do with anyone after what Darren did to me, and I’m not as afraid anymore. I’m not normal yet, but I finally feel like I’m getting better.

  It’s going to be a long journey, but I’m ready to take it now that Owen and Tina are with me. I’ll be better soon. I just know it.

  The End.

  The final entry is finished. I close the book and let out a long sigh of relief.

  My counselor, Corinne, was right. It’s as if an impossibly heavy burden has been removed, as if I’m not being crushed by the memories anymore. All these years, the notebook wasn’t helping me at all. It’s been nothing but a chain around my neck, dragging me down as the nightmares hidden away inside it grew heavier and heavier.

  Corinne told me to finish the book—to go back and give every nightmare a happy conclusion. She said that if I gave them good endings, it’d help me believe in closure. I need to convince myself that the nightmares truly are over so that I can move on.

  My last nightmare is closed and the book is complete. Somehow, I’m going to make it past what Darren did to me. I’ve found a new, better life and someone special to share it with. I’m going to get better now. I have to, not just for myself but also for Owen.

  I lift the pillow to hide the notebook again but then stop myself. I’m so sick of keeping it a secret, of living in fear that somebody might find out what happened to me. I leave it on my desk instead and then run downstairs to find Tina.

  ––––––––

  “Maria!” she squeals as she dances around the living room. “The vet school accepted me! They actually let me in!”

  She waves an enormous white envelope at me and nearly smacks me in the face with it in her excitement. I dodge the envelope and hug her.

  “Congratulations! That’s fantastic,” I tell her. She wriggles out of my embrace and continues her gleeful dance around the apartment.

  “Oh you have no idea. I’m so fucking excited I could puke,” she babbles happily. I never exactly associated excitement with puking, but I’ll take her word for it.

  She tosses the acceptance mailer on the dining room table and does a joyful pirouette, pointing a finger at me as she comes out of her spin.

  “I want to celebrate, so be home by seven o’clock on Friday,” she tells me, “or you’re going to miss all the fun.”

  “What’re you planning?” I ask as her contagious exuberance paints a smile on my face.

  “Cake and motherfucking champagne, ladyface!” she answers. “Be there or be punched. Just saying.”

  “Oh, I’ll be there. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

  “Good—I didn’t want to punch you anyway,” she says. “I’d do it today but I have to go apartment hunting with Craig since he’s too stupid to do it on his own. Remember that job offer he got downtown? He accepted it.”

  “Oh, that’s awesome!” I gush excitedly. “Are you looking for an apartment near his, then? If I get into my graduate program, do you need a roommate?”

  She blushes, smiles and shakes her head. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Tina blush like that before.

  This can only mean one thing...

  “Oh my god, you two are moving in together?” I gasp, covering my mouth to hide my delighted smile.

  If it were anyone else, I’d be calling her crazy. Tina, though? If there’s anyone on earth who knows what she’s doing, it’s her. She can definitely take care of herself.

  “We’re checking out some three-bedroom apartments downtown,” she says. “One room for him, one room for me...”

  “Right, like I believe that,” I interrupt her, rolling my eyes. “And who’s the third one for? The Holy Spirit?”

  “My mother.”

  I’m stunned.

  All I can do is stare wide-eyed at her like a fool with my mouth hanging open. She hasn’t talked to her mother in years—not since her mother’s dementia progressed to the point where she forgot her own daughter. I can’t believe it.

  “Your mother?” I repeat. “But I thought...Tina, why?”

  “She can’t take care of herself anymore,” explains Tina. “Her long-term care insurance covers most of her bills, and it’ll pay for anyone to be the primary care-givers, even family members. Craig and I are going to take care of her as best we can until we can find a nice place in Ithaca for her.”

  “But...”

  “It’s going to be really hard,” she interrupts, “but she’s my mother, Maria. I have to take care of her. Craig says he’s okay with it so we’re going to move her up here with us.”

  She smiles nervously and then adds, “I really miss her.”

  Before she can say anything else, I close the distance between us and throw my arms around her.

  “You are incredible, Tina,” I whisper in her ear as I hug her as hard as I can.

  “Quit squeezing the air out of me, you big dope,” she wheezes, smiling widely as her face practically glows with happiness. I kiss her on the forehead and then let her breathe again.

  “I’m proud of you, Tina. I really am.”

  She smiles and waves goodbye as she heads for the door, but then she suddenly spins on her heels and hurries back to me.

  “Almost forgot—you’ve got mail, dopeface. Here you go.”

  She hands me two white business envelopes before racing out the door, and my heart skips a beat as I read the return addresses. One is from Cornell University Admissions and the other is from Verta Human Resources. They’re such thin envelopes... did they both reject me?

  I nervously rip open the envelope from Cornell and pull out the letter inside.

  Yes! They accepted me!

  The letter outlines all the basic information about my acceptance—my meager stipend, my laboratory rotation and work schedules, all the usual goodies—along with a pre-paid response mailer to accept the offer. All I have to do is sign the card and toss it in the mail.

  I’ll get to be with Owen all through graduate school! I suddenly understand what Tina was feeling when she opened her acceptance packet—I feel like skipping around the dining room from sheer delight.

  Before I start celebrating, though, I should open the other envelope.

  I rip open the letter from Verta gasp as I see the salary printed in the middle of the page. They’re offering me a job and it’s the best offer I’ve ever seen. I never, ever expected an offer like this. Based on my publication history, they’ve skipped right over the entry-level positions and thrown me right into the doctoral starting ranks.

  My head swims as I stare at the number. It’s more than double what I’d hoped for.

  Now what do I do?

  I could stay here at Cornell, get my PhD and stay with Owen. I know he’s going to get in, even if the university claims it’s rejecting him. The idea of flunking him because he dared to go see his mother on her deathbed is just too insane and I know his advisor will work something out with the school. I just know it.

  The Verta offer in Boston is my dream job, but if I take it, I’ll be apart from Owen for years. I’ll be able to visit him on weekends and vacations, but it’ll be so hard to be away from him. I don’t know if I can bear being so far apart. I need him in my life. God, I need him.

  Will I ever get a job offer like this again, though? Companies just don’t do this. A biologist with only a bachelor’s degree never gets an offer like this one. I’ll probably never see another one like it.

  Cornell? Verta? Which one do I pick? I can’t let anyone else sway me or I’ll always question the decision. I have to pick this for myself.

  I want to call Owen. I should call him and get his input.

  “No,” I think. “This decision has to be mine.”

  I can’t let him sway what I decide. If I make the wrong decision, I might hold it against him. I don’t trust myself not to do that.

  My hands are shaking so much that I can barely get my acceptance response into its envelope. This is th
e hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. I hurry downstairs and out the front door. It’s a beautiful, sunny day and the birds are chirping, but I’m too caught up in the decision to really pay them any attention today. I jog to the mailbox and throw my acceptance in before the decision gets any more difficult, before I start second-guessing myself. I have to do this.

  I yank my phone out of the side-pocket of my backpack and dial Owen’s number, and my call goes straight to his voicemail. I forgot that he has office-hours right after he teaches his statistics course. He’s turned his phone off.

  “Hi sweetie,” I sweet-talk to his voicemail at the beep. “I really need to talk to you. Call me back when you get this, okay? Love you.”

  I hang up the phone and plop down on the concrete next to the mailbox as my anxious, trembling legs give out on me. I had to do it. I’m second-guessing myself already, but I had to do it.

  I accepted the job offer in Boston and it’s going to kill Owen when I tell him.

  Thursday, May 9 – 7:00 PM

  Maria

  I meet Owen at our old table at the back of Plum Tree Restaurant. I don’t know how a table I’ve only eaten at once can be my table, but it is. It’s special to me—I had my first date here. Tina was right as usual, but I’m not going to tell her that. He’s waiting for me when I get there, gray eyes shining, and his smile makes my knees weak.

  What have I done? I should have stayed here with him. Why did I accept Verta’s offer when it means I have to leave Owen behind? The weight of my decision crashes down on me as he gets up from his seat, draws me into his embrace and kisses me softly. I’ve made such a terrible mistake.

  How can I do this to him after what just happened? He’s just started counseling and he’s so fragile, and I’m about to break his heart. I hang like a wet noodle in his embrace and give him a feeble kiss. I feel so horrible, so guilt-ridden, that I can’t give him anything else. Knowing how badly I’m about to hurt him, anything more passionate would feel like a terrible lie.