“Okay.” Sarah couldn’t bring herself to say how much she’d missed her, not if Harper didn’t feel the same way. “How about you?”
“It was fun. I hadn’t snowboarded since last season, so that part was pretty awesome. Katie and Mara came up for a week to see Bronte, so we went out a lot at night. Met some people.”
Sarah’s heart missed a beat. “D-did you meet anybody special?”
“Yeah.”
Sarah’s heart sank and she lowered her eyes. Of course she would have. In her devastation, she didn’t notice Harper lean in close to her ear.
“You.”
It took a moment for the word to register, then she couldn’t keep the broad smile from her face. “Oh.”
“Listen, I’ve got to get to class. My homeroom is in a portable now, and we all know how great I am at running around those.” She gave Sarah a quick grin. “But we should do something together after school this week. Are you free?”
“Yeah.”
“What day?”
“Any day.”
Harper laughed. “Careful or I’ll think you missed me.”
Sarah blushed, and that seemed to be enough of a response for Harper.
“I missed you too,” she whispered, before taking off toward the portables.
She hadn’t checked her locker, and Sarah couldn’t wait for her to read the note later.
* * *
January slowly slipped into February, but the usual malaise of winter didn’t affect Sarah that year. She began to see such beauty in the snow and ice, such a range of shades in the greyness of the sky. How had she never thought to paint winter landscapes before? After all, she was a huge fan of Lawren Harris, and she wondered now if he’d had any outside inspiration beyond the snowcapped mountains and cold, frozen lakes. That of a woman perhaps?
Her first letter to Harper had been answered by one she’d found in her locker a couple of days later, and her heart had taken flight at the response. It was strange, but they never discussed the letters with each other. There had been several passed back and forth now, all of which held promises they dared not speak. It was as if they were having two relationships—the one they could handle out loud, and the one that was just on the edge of reason, which they were only brave enough to put on paper. The letters spoke of how meaningful the time they spent together was, and how much they each treasured it. Sarah had slept with that first response under her pillow for weeks, until she feared Tyler or her parents would find it. Sure, they might not know it was from Harper or even from a girl, but she’d be grounded none-the-less based on what the words intimated.
Harper kept up her relationship with Tyler as well, and although Sarah knew it was for the best, she couldn’t stop the hurt it caused at the same time. Sure, kissing Harper in an empty bathroom stall between classes was exciting, but she hated every time she saw her and Tyler together in front of the school, their arms around one another, showing the world how proud they were of each other.
One February morning, Sarah was surprised to find Harper leaning against her locker. It was her birthday. She had readied herself as much as she could for the fact that, as it was also Tyler’s birthday and Valentine’s Day, she wouldn’t be spending it with Harper. She couldn’t keep the pain of it from affecting her though, no matter how hard she tried.
“Hey.” Harper had her arms crossed in front of her and one leg drawn up, her foot against the door of Sarah’s locker. Sarah steeled herself and went right for her combination lock. Harper pushed off with her foot from the locker and moved aside so that Sarah could get into it.
“Shouldn’t you be at your boyfriend’s locker?” she said from behind the blue door.
Harper came around and tried to meet her eyes, but Sarah focused on her books. Harper touched her arm. “Don’t be like that.”
“Like what?” Sarah hated the childishness in her voice, but she couldn’t help it. It was her birthday, and she was barely keeping back tears.
“Sarah, this isn’t easy for me either.” Harper kept her voice low. When Sarah continued to ignore her, she let out a loud huff. “Fine, be that way.” Before she stormed off, she pushed a note into Sarah’s hand.
She should just throw it in the garbage bin down the hall, but she reined in her anger and disappointment long enough to shove it into the pocket of her black cargo pants. Throughout her morning classes, it burned a hole there, but she couldn’t bring herself to open it up. Whatever it said, she didn’t want to read it. Today was her birthday, and all she wanted was to spend it with the person she cared about. Tears sprang to her eyes again.
How had things gotten so complicated? She had been fine with the way things were before she met Harper. Life was a miserable sea of loneliness, and she’d learned to navigate its waters, biding her time until she’d be out of high school and off to OCAD, God willing. What she hadn’t planned on, what she hadn’t wanted, was to fall like this for somebody. For anybody. Especially not her brother’s girlfriend.
At lunch, she went to her locker to change up her books, and she couldn’t take it any longer. With tears in her eyes, she opened Harper’s note.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d do anything to spend this day with you.
Meet me at my house at 8 p.m. Everyone will be out.
Sarah wiped at the new tears that fell. Tyler and Harper had dinner plans to go out on Yonge Street, but asking her to come at eight o’clock gave them enough time to eat and finish their evening. The question was how would she get out of the house that late and where would she say she was going? Exams were over, and she no longer had any classes with Harper to make excuses for. Whatever she had to do though, she would find a way to do it. There was no way she was going to miss seeing Harper that night.
* * *
It hurt to watch Harper and Tyler walk off together after school that day, holding hands. Knowing she would be seeing her later did little to alleviate the pain. With each passing day, it got harder to deal with what was happening. What had started out as this blissful adventure had taken a torturous turn. Had she thought that seeing Tyler with her…whatever she was…would feel good? Did she think that the more her feelings developed, that things would somehow get easier? The whole thing had been poorly planned from the beginning. Only that was just it. She hadn’t planned on any of this. Hurricane Harper had blown into her life, sweeping up everything in her path, and spinning her entire world around. Most days, she felt like she was just along for the ride. Was that how Tyler felt when he was with her? She banished the thought. She would not think about the fact that he was out with her right now, celebrating not only his birthday, but Valentine’s Day with her as well.
It felt like days before the few hours between three and eight o’clock finally passed. Tyler was still out with Harper, so he wasn’t around to ask any questions about her story when she lied to her parents about having an assignment to do with a classmate. She said that they’d messed up the dates on it, so it had to be done that night. Another lie. How many had she told since this thing with Harper had started? If what they were doing wasn’t wrong, then why did she always have to lie about it?
Her mother offered her a ride, but she knew that she would recognize Harper’s house because she’d taken Tyler there, so she said it was nearby, and that she would walk.
In February, it was a hell of a walk to Harper’s in the cold, dark, winter’s night. There was snow on the ground from the previous evening’s snowfall, and the sidewalk was icy in patches and slippery as she tried to traverse it. By the time she arrived at Harper’s, she was frozen through, and had lost the feeling in the tips of her fingers and toes.
Harper greeted her at the door. It was dark inside the house, and she was holding a chocolate cupcake with light blue frosting, and a single birthday candle lit at the top. It was stupid, but tears instantly wet her eyes. Harper hadn’t forgotten her.
“Hey, no,” Harper said quickly. She ushered her inside, an
d closed the door. She put the cupcake down on the credenza, and pulled Sarah into a hug, patting her back. “Don’t cry,” she whispered into her hair. “Please, don’t cry.”
“Sorry.” She sniffled, but kept her face buried in Harper’s mane of soft, brown hair. It felt so good to be in her arms right then that she never wanted to let go.
“No, I’m sorry.” Harper continued to caress her back. “I wish I could have done this first thing at school this morning. I wish I didn’t have to pretend all day with Tyler, when all I wanted the whole time was to be with you.” Harper kissed her cheek softly, and the warmth of her lips began to spread through her, warming her frozen exterior from the inside out.
“How do you do that?” Sarah whispered.
“What?”
“When I’m feeling my worst, you always bring me back.”
Harper pulled away slightly, tucking strands of Sarah’s hair behind her ears so that she could look into her eyes. “Happy birthday, Sarah,” Harper said with a wink. She picked the cupcake back up. “Make a wish.”
I wish you were my girlfriend. She blinked. She’d never thought of Harper that way, but it was true. Sometime over the last few months, somewhere deep down inside, she had started to want it. That could never be though. She closed her eyes, and made another wish. A more reasonable one.
I wish that no one ever finds out about us, so that we never have to stop what we’re doing.
She blew out the candle, and Harper placed another quick kiss on her cheek. “Where is everybody?” she asked.
“My parents went away for the night, and Bronte’s out with Todd. They’re back together again. I think she wants to do it with him.”
“She has before, hasn’t she?” It was her understanding that all seniors were doing it all the time.
“Yeah, but she can’t seem to get enough of it.”
“Gross,” Sarah said, and Harper laughed.
“I don’t think what we do is gross.” She pulled Sarah against her again, this time capturing her jawline and neck, showering them with kisses. Sarah moaned from the attention. “Come upstairs with me.”
The blood drained from her face. In four months, they had shared exactly fifty-six kisses, and some of them had lasted for hours. She didn’t think she’d ever lose track of the number of their kisses. Every time their forays together got a little too heavy though, something always seemed to come between them. No one was home to knock on the door. To interrupt them. Was she ready for that? “Harper, I…”
“Oh, hey, no. I didn’t mean it like that.” She took her hand in hers, and again, the warmth that was unmistakably Harper spread through her. “Why don’t we just sit on the couch for awhile? It’s late, and you probably have to get home soon. I just wanted to make sure that I saw you today. You’re my real valentine. You know that, right?”
Sarah smiled and allowed herself to be pulled to the couch. They made no preamble of sitting on opposite ends. They both moved together the second they sat down, and it was clear to Sarah that they’d both missed each other’s closeness. It was more of a comfort that day than Harper could have known.
“Sarah,” Harper began tentatively, pausing to swallow. “Maybe one day we’ll be able to spend your birthday together, like a real couple.” The words sent shivers down her spine. That was the closest they had ever come to discussing what was going on between them. What they were to each other. It was the closest thing to a promise for the future that either of them had ever shared out loud. The thought brought a sting to her eyes, and she settled closer into Harper’s warmth. Tyler may have her out in the open, but she was with Harper now, and that’s what mattered.
She had made a point not to ask what happened between her and Tyler behind closed doors. Her imagination drove her mad enough. The real thing just might kill her. Did she say those kinds of things to Tyler too? Did they hold each other like this? If it had been him there that night, would they have gone up to her room together?
After the night that Harper brought up breaking things off with Tyler, they hadn’t discussed it again, but ever since, Harper made sure to pay lots of attention to Tyler. Even though it killed her, Sarah had to keep telling herself that it was for the best. If Tyler knew, if anyone knew, it would all be over. Harper had to stay in a relationship with Tyler, but how much of it was pretend? Sure, Harper said she didn’t like it, but Sarah was certain that, when she was with Tyler, she wasn’t telling him that she was involved with his sister either. Harper had to be a gifted liar to pull it off. How much of it was a lie, and who was she lying to?
She shook her head. She didn’t want to think about that now. Not today. Not when she finally had Harper all to herself. She closed her eyes and snuggled closer into Harper’s warmth. How long could she make this last before she lost it all?
CHAPTER 19
Harper raced to Sarah’s locker. Her class had gotten out a few minutes late, and if she didn’t get there soon, Sarah would be gone for the day. Why couldn’t she have a cell phone like a normal teenager? She hated that the only time she could see her was in school, or if they’d already made plans to be together. She’d chase her home if she had to that day, because she couldn’t wait to share the good news with her.
When she reached their lockers, she slowed to catch her breath. Sarah was still there. She smiled. It was hard not to smile every time she saw her.
“Hey.” She sidled up next to her, trying to appear nonchalant. “My parents are going away again this weekend. Can you come over?”
“Are you having another party?” Sarah snapped her canvas knapsack closed, and threw it over her shoulder.
“A party for two,” she answered with a quick grin. “Bronte already has plans Saturday night, so we’ll have the house to ourselves.” The meaning of her words made her pulse quicken again.
“What about Tyler?”
“He doesn’t have to know my parents are away. If there’s no party, he won’t suspect.”
“But I’ll have to tell my parents I’m staying out.”
“Can’t you lie to your parents and say you’re staying at another friend’s?”
Sarah seemed to mull the idea over. “I can try.”
“If you do, I’ll make it worth your while.”
She had known for weeks that her parents might be going away, but she didn’t want to get her hopes up or have to cancel on Sarah if they changed their plans. It had been just under a month since Sarah’s birthday, and the last thing she wanted to do was disappoint her again. That day had been harder for Harper than Sarah knew. She had felt Sarah’s absence with every second that she had spent with Tyler.
Sometimes, she thought they were getting closer, and others, she felt Sarah pulling away. It was like every time they made a forward movement, something would happen, and drag them back ten steps. Tyler, on the other hand, seemed to think their relationship was heading toward marriage. The way he clung to her and confessed his feelings suffocated her. Sometimes, she would lie awake at night, hearing his words over in her head again, and it felt like there was a weight pressing down on her chest.
Why did it have to be this way? So many times she imagined just telling Bronte about her feelings for Sarah. Bronte loved her, so why would she care if Sarah made her happy instead of Tyler? She might even be happy for her too. She told herself those things, but when it came to it, she could never bring herself to even broach the subject, not since that first time in the car on the way home from the park party. That seemed so long ago. So much had happened since then, since she’d had those feelings that she didn’t understand. She wasn’t as naïve now as she had been then. She’d long since understood just exactly what the depths of her feelings were, and what they could mean.
It wasn’t just a phase, as she’d originally hoped. Her feelings for Sarah hadn’t lessened, and the ones for Tyler wouldn’t grow. That was why she agreed to keep seeing him in the first place, even after she’d understood what her feelings for Sarah were. She had thought maybe
, if she gave it enough time, she could have a relationship with the Jamieson Bronte approved of. How easy it had been for Sarah to let her keep seeing Tyler. She insisted on it. It was as if she didn’t even consider the alternative. Sarah panicked when she’d brought up breaking things off with Tyler, and she’d even scared Harper into thinking that she was right at the time, but how smart was it to let Tyler touch her when it made her skin crawl?
Tyler was a nice guy, but nobody was that nice. He’d started asking when they were going to take things further. He never pushed when she told him to stop, but she felt dirty and cheap whenever she was with him. She didn’t want any part of him on her, not his hands or lips, and certainly not anything else. He’d been patient with her, very patient, but the little she’d given him wouldn’t satisfy him forever, especially when she adamantly refused to let him touch her. She’d allowed it once, and would never again. That was a line she could not and would not cross.
What did Sarah know, if anything, about what she and Tyler did behind closed doors? Did it bother Sarah as much as it bothered her? She didn’t know, but imagining it didn’t was more painful than she cared to admit. There was no way Harper would be able to share Sarah with anybody, and the knowledge that Sarah could share her wounded her deeply.
There had to be a way to show Sarah how much she meant to her, how much she cared for her. Sarah wasn’t materialistic, and although she’d appreciated the things that Harper paid for, that was not the way to win her over. She’d tried to take her to things that she loved to show her that she was listening, that she paid attention to her, that she wanted to share things with her, but that had only gotten her so far.
When they were together, Harper experienced utter bliss. Every kiss made her heart race, and she’d never cared for anyone the way she did for Sarah. When she tried to explain it, she couldn’t. It just simply was, and the more time went on, the deeper her feelings grew. Sometimes, when she looked at Sarah, all of what she felt for her bubbled up to the surface, and there were moments she thought she would burst with all the affection she had for her.
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