Did Sarah ever feel that way when she looked at her? Aside from the few times that Sarah had shared some of her feelings, she had remained much quieter than Harper on the subject, and Sarah’s moments of bravery were few. Why couldn’t Sarah just come to her the way that she wanted her to? There was hesitation in Sarah’s eyes when they were together, as if Sarah was being tortured by some unseen force. Her religion. Her God.
Harper had never believed in or had a problem with either, but now they were building up a wall between her and Sarah, and it made her resent both. Resenting God was something like tempting fate, but the more time she spent with Sarah, the more palpable her feelings became, and she was afraid that soon they would pass a threshold she wouldn’t be able to come back from.
Sarah closed her locker. “Just so I understand, are you asking me to have a sleepover?” There was a glint in Sarah’s eyes. Was she flirting?
She nodded. “Bronte’s staying out. It’ll be just us. Come over around six?”
Sarah gave her a surreptitious smile and leaned in, whispering, “Then maybe I’ll make it worth your while too.”
As Sarah walked away, Harper swallowed hard. There, in the hallway at school, she uttered her first prayer. God, please don’t let me fall in love with her.
* * *
Harper blasted her favourite playlist. Her parents had left town while they were at school, and Bronte hadn’t stayed at the house much longer than it took to pack a bag, tell Harper to be good, and remind her that if their parents called and asked to speak with her to put them on hold and three-way the call to her cell phone. Harper reminded her that she wasn’t an amateur, and practically screamed at her to leave. If she was still there when Sarah arrived, there would be way too much explaining to do, for starters, what she was doing there instead of her brother.
Bronte did finally leave, and Harper turned the deadbolt behind her then ran up the stairs. She felt like a madwoman rifling through her clothing, trying to find the perfect thing to wear. It was different dressing for a girl than a boy. All of Bronte’s past advice on wearing low-cut tops to show off her boobs probably wouldn’t work the same on Sarah as it did on Tyler. After all, didn’t boys like them so much because they were some sort of novelty to them? Sarah had her own, so Harper had to think harder. Sure, Sarah thought she was pretty, but she wanted to be more than pretty for her. For the first time, she wanted to be sexy.
As Jill Sobule belted out that she wanted to be a supermodel through her stereo speakers, Harper tried on several different outfits. Finally, she decided on a black shirt that buttoned up but had short sleeves. It was tight and hugged her stomach nicely. She left the uppermost three buttons open, exposing the top of her turquoise bra, along with a low-hanging, silver Tiffany key necklace that drew attention to her cleavage. Maybe Sarah wasn’t into boobs, but it couldn’t hurt. For pants, she chose jeans. Anything else might seem too dressy, and a skirt just felt weird for some reason. She did choose her best jeans, and was looking for a pair of socks when the doorbell rang. She shoved them on and ran down the stairs, almost falling down the last few steps.
When Harper opened the door, Sarah was flushed, and some pieces of her blonde and purple hair stuck to her forehead. “Heya.” Harper grinned, and pulled her inside forcefully. Sarah lost her balance, but Harper grabbed her into a hug and steadied her, her lips finding hers in an instant. Already out of breath, Sarah could only maintain the kiss for a few seconds before she had to pull away for air.
“Sorry.” Sarah breathed heavily. “I ran all the way over here.”
“I guess that means you’re excited to see me?” Harper said with an expectant smile, which Sarah easily returned. “Your timing is perfect. Bronte just left. Are you hungry for dinner? I can make spaghetti. That’s pretty much the only thing I can make.”
“Spaghetti sounds amazing.”
“Okay, drop your things, and I’ll meet you in the kitchen.”
Harper hummed as she scoured the cabinets for the noodles and a jar of tomato sauce. When Sarah walked in, she called to her over her shoulder. “I thought we could have a movie night. What do you think?” She pulled down a package of spaghetti noodles.
“What movie did you have in mind?” Sarah took a seat at the kitchen table, and pulled the chair out so that she was watching Harper.
“Well…” Harper became shy as she turned her head and concentrated on filling the pot with water. “I did a Google search for…special interest movies, and I found a couple that I thought we might like. They’re saved on the screen in the family room.”
Sarah left to check out the movies. Harper wasn’t sure what she would think of the titles Imagine Me and You and Tipping the Velvet, and if she would recognize either of them. Her concentration elsewhere, when she added the noodles to the pot, she didn’t notice that the pasta sauce had started to boil, and a bubble exploded and landed on her arm.
“Fuck!” She jumped back from the pot. Sarah returned at the sound and approached her.
“Oh, honey,” she said lightheartedly, as she came around the table to look at Harper’s arm. She brought it to her lips, kissed the spot where the sauce had landed, and then licked it into her mouth.
“You called me honey.” Harper’s eyes never left Sarah’s.
Sarah had said it jokingly, but there was tenderness there, and it made Harper ache in that way that only Sarah’s look and touch could.
“I…yeah, I did.”
“Don’t you ever wish this was our life?” Harper asked. “No school, no parents…no Tyler,” she said the last part under her breath.
“Sometimes I wish we could just run away,” Sarah said. “I wish we were older and we could just leave, and no one would come after us. We could start a life together, just the two of us, away from everyone we know.”
“Sarah…” Harper started, but she couldn’t bring herself to say the rest. She couldn’t find the words to tell her that lately, that’s all she wished for. That if she could be with her, she wouldn’t need anyone else, not even Bronte. The words caught inside her though, and she remained unable to heave her heart out of her throat and tell Sarah all that she truly meant to her. What if Sarah pushed her away? What if the depths of her feelings scared her? What if she laughed at her? The idea made her sick.
“What if I open a bottle of wine?” she asked, chiding herself for her cowardice.
“Sure. I won’t really drink much.”
“I know. It’ll be fun though. We can pretend we’re all grown up, and this is our place in university.” Harper leaned up and pulled down a bottle of red wine from the rack that was built into their cabinetry. She poured it in real wine glasses, not the juice glasses or shot glasses her friends usually drank wine from at parties.
When she handed Sarah a glass, she smiled and took a sip. Something about the way she did it seemed so adult that, for a moment, Harper really did forget where they were, and once again went into that fantasy of someday and somewhere and somehow when she and Sarah could be together more than just behind closed doors.
“Hey, what are you thinking about?” Sarah ran a hand along her back, and her fingers were like little torches lighting up her skin. Was it the wine or the company that made her head spin?
The spaghetti boiled over, and Harper turned away from Sarah to tend to the pot. How often had she wished that they were older? How many times had she lain awake at night wishing Sarah were beside her, that they were the only two people in the world, and that nothing outside of them existed? Tonight, she and Sarah would lay down side-by-side, and…well, she didn’t know what else, but whatever it was, her stomach had been in knots about it since her parents told her they were going away two weeks ago.
Dinner was a little awkward, but that was to be expected. Knowing that no one was going to come and interrupt them placed a strange atmosphere in the room, as if something was looming just outside of focus. Harper was nervous and anxious about reaching it, yet was terribly afraid that they wouldn’t.
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“I’m sorry for undercooking the noodles,” she said.
“It’s okay.” Sarah swallowed her last bite. “It was perfect.”
“You don’t have to say that.”
“Harper Isabelle cooked me dinner. Trust me, it was perfect. Now, let me help you put this away.”
As they cleared the plates and put them into the dishwasher, Harper worried that Sarah held her on some kind of pedestal. Sure, it gave her a little buzz to know that others at school did the same, but she didn’t want that from Sarah. She didn’t want to feel like the only reason Sarah wanted to be with her was because of her name, and not because of what she felt for her. Was it possible that, after all this time, that’s all that Sarah saw when she looked at her? Harper ardently hoped that she was not just like everyone else.
“Ready to watch a movie?” Sarah asked from the doorway, and Harper realized she’d been staring off again.
“Sure.” She forced a smile and brought the bottle of wine with her into the family room. “Which one did you want to try?” She approached the laptop that was hooked up to the TV.
“Imagine Me and You sounds good.”
Sarah took a seat on the couch while Harper started the movie, then she joined Sarah. When she first sat down, she was about a foot away from Sarah, but she picked up her wine glass and moved closer to her, so close that their bodies were touching.
“Do you mind if I do this?” Harper moved her arm protectively around Sarah’s shoulder, and pulled her body into hers.
Sarah giggled. “I never thought I’d be an arm-around-the-shoulder kind of girl, but it feels good when you do it.” Harper smiled at her words, and Sarah kissed the side of her mouth before turning her attention to the movie.
They were silent for awhile, and about thirty minutes into the movie, Harper leaned forward and refilled both of their wine glasses. She was apprehensive about the fact that they were watching a lesbian movie, but the witty lines and sharp jokes soon took her mind off the awkwardness as she laughed along with Sarah. The movie made it all seem so normal. In her excitement earlier that day, she had already watched both movies. She’d hoped Sarah would pick Tipping the Velvet, because while she had loved them both, Tipping the Velvet turned her on. The idea of two women being together was something she wanted Sarah to get used to, and showing these mainstream actresses together might get Sarah thinking the same way. One of the main characters in Imagine Me and You was Cersei on Game of Thrones for God’s sake.
She hated that no matter how trapped she felt in her relationship with Tyler, Sarah wanted to keep her there. After seeing her with her brother, Sarah would be cold and moody like a cat, acting as if she’d spent time with him of her own volition. She didn’t want Tyler. She wanted Sarah so badly it hurt. So why were they making it so hard on themselves? If other people could have this, why couldn’t she have what she wanted?
Sarah took another sip of her wine, and Harper wondered if there would ever be a time when she didn’t want to kiss those lips. No boy had been able to keep her interest for more than a few hours, but Sarah was on her mind constantly. She’d chastised herself a few times already for doodling Sarah’s name in her notebooks at school. She’d even started writing Harper Jamieson in the corners of her textbooks.
The movie was a little over halfway through. Maybe they would have time to watch both movies. Maybe when Sarah saw what she had seen, she’d feel that same pull, that same arousal, and turn to her to relieve her of it. She almost felt dirty for the thought, but she couldn’t help it. It had been a few weeks since she’d laid in bed at night thinking about her kisses with Sarah, and that throbbing between her legs had come. She hadn’t done anything about it, but knew only Sarah could relieve it.
It was the exact opposite with Tyler. His touches and kisses were ambitious and offensive. He was always wanting too much, grabbing at too much, helping himself to things that Harper didn’t want to give him, and yet, Sarah was always pushing her into his arms. Harper shuddered at the memories.
“Are you okay?” Sarah asked.
“I’m fine.” Harper kissed her cheek and pulled her in closer with the arm that was around her, happy to be in the moment with Sarah.
When the movie finished, Sarah smiled at her. “That was really good.”
“Yeah,” Harper said, practically jumping up to start the other movie on her laptop.
Sarah didn’t seem to notice her excitement as she settled back onto the couch and filled their glasses again
“I think I’m going to be drunk soon,” Sarah said. “I don’t have a high tolerance.”
“The pasta will soak it up,” Harper said. They’d had less than half a bottle, and she had yet to take the edge off. Normally, Harper might have been feeling the booze too, but the excitement coursing through her veins had taken over. When the movie began, she almost squirmed with anticipation. Sarah leaned into her, so she put her arm around her again with a smile.
“This is perfect,” Harper whispered. At her words, Sarah turned and met her lips for a quick kiss, solidifying that never in her life had Harper felt happier.
Does she have any idea what she does to me? Sarah liked her; she wouldn’t be there if she didn’t, but Harper had trouble believing that the fervor of her feelings could be matched by anything. She had hoped the movie would guide them into a natural course of action, but now she worried that she’d waited too long. Soon Sarah really would be drunk, and she didn’t want them to be drunk when they… She couldn’t even say the words in her head, but the thoughts of doing it were something else.
She put her glass down and ran her hand behind Sarah’s shoulders, along her arms, and then her neck. After kneading a few spots near her spine, and Sarah rolling her head into the massage, she travelled back down her neck and arms again, until she ran her hand along her stomach. Sarah wore a hoodie, and Harper started to unzip it slowly. Sarah didn’t try to stop her when Harper began to pull it away, and she even shirked out of the sleeves to help her remove it. Once Harper had moved the hoodie behind her, she resumed the rubbing along her ribs and stomach, until she swallowed, and ventured up for the first time to put her hand on Sarah’s chest.
As much as she had prepared herself, nothing could have readied her for the real thing. Sarah’s breath caught in her throat, and a pit of desire opened in Harper’s stomach. When Sarah let out a small moan, Harper gasped. Sarah turned toward her, and Harper captured her lips, kissing her lustfully. Sarah moved her body into the kiss, the movie forgotten, and allowed Harper to touch her. They were both a little clumsy, neither of them really knowing what they were doing or what they should be doing, but there was a need between them.
Harper continued to kiss her as she moved her hand to the bottom of Sarah’s shirt and slowly made her way inside it. Goosebumps rose on Sarah’s stomach when she trailed her fingers higher, until they felt the soft material of Sarah’s bra. Harper wanted so desperately to do this right. When boys touched her, they were grabby and needy, and she didn’t want Sarah to feel that way. She wanted her to feel her desire, but she didn’t want her to feel pressured. Lightly, she brushed the back of her hands against her chest. When Sarah didn’t protest, she moved her hand inside Sarah’s bra, and stroked her tentatively. Sarah moaned into her ear, and the aching between her own legs worsened.
“I want you,” Harper whispered against Sarah’s cheek. “Come with me now.”
Sarah let her lead her by the hand up the stairs. They didn’t say a word to each other, and when the bedroom door closed behind them, all of Harper’s nervousness threatened to spill over. She put on a playlist and plugged her phone into a speaker by her bed, trying to steady her breathing as the soft sounds began to play. She turned her bedside lamp on, and returned to the door to flick off the overhead light. Her heart pounded as she approached Sarah, who stood nervously by the bed, her arms wrapped around herself protectively.
“Don’t be shy,” Harper said, her voice husky. “I’m nervous too.”
> Sarah nodded and let her arms fall for just a second before she reached forward and put her hands on the hem of Harper’s shirt. Slowly, she began to unbutton it from the bottom up. Harper’s heart pounded in anticipation, and a shiver ran through her when Sarah undid the last button and opened her shirt. She pushed it off her shoulders and let it fall to the floor. Sarah pulled her own T-shirt over her head, and let it drop next to Harper’s. Harper reached behind Sarah to take her bra off, but Sarah stepped back.
“I got it.” She undid the clasp herself, and then brought her arms over her chest as her white bra fell, adding to the pile of their discarded clothing.
Harper reached forward and pulled on the loop of Sarah’s jeans to get her to the bed. “Lie down,” she whispered against her cheek. Sarah did so, and Harper reached behind herself for the clasp of her bra.
Sarah crawled back on the bed, her head landing on Harper’s pillow. Harper pulled the covers aside, and motioned for her to get under. She had a queen-sized bed, so Sarah moved to the far side and put her head into the pillow there, her arms still covering her chest. Harper crawled over, and slowly put her weight on top of her, their jeans the only thing between them as Harper rested her weight on one elbow and looked down at Sarah.
Harper slowly removed Sarah’s hands from her chest. Sarah didn’t try to re-cover herself, but she didn’t stop shaking either.
“You’re trembling. Are you afraid?”
“Yes.” Sarah swallowed noticeably. “But not why you think.”
“What is it?” Harper caressed the side of her cheek, concerned as she met the gaze of the person she cared for most in the world.
“I’m scared of what this will mean. That, if we do this, it will change something inside of me. That I won’t be me anymore. That part of me will always be yours, and I want that so badly it scares me.”
Harper took Sarah’s hand and slowly brought it to her bare chest, resting it palm open over her own heart. “You already are a part of me. You’re in here.” She pressed Sarah’s hand firmer against her heart. “You have all of me, Sarah. It’s like you reached in and pulled me out from inside, filling all of the space inside of me with you. I want to be inside of you that way too.”
The Space Between Page 21