The Space Between

by Michelle L. Teichman

  Sarah nodded her head, easing under the weight of Harper above her. She leaned up, capturing Harper’s lips with her own, and drew her deep inside of her. They had kissed many times before, but it was different this time. Some of the urgency had left, replaced by something more tender, and Sarah’s kisses sent a clear message. They whispered of promises, promises that said there was so much more to come, and that this was only the beginning.

  CHAPTER 20

  Sarah woke to the sound of an alarm. She didn’t recognize it, and for a moment, she didn’t know where she was. That was until Harper sighed sleepily beside her.

  “Sorry.” Harper turned the alarm off. “I usually get up early on Saturdays and go for a run.”

  She did? That would make sense as to why she was in such incredible shape. There was so much she still didn’t know about Harper, and it excited her. She wanted to find out everything there was to learn about the amazing girl beside her.

  “Are you going to go this morning?”

  Harper chuckled. “Are you kidding?” She pulled Sarah to her to nuzzle her neck. “Not with you here beside me.”

  They were still naked from the night before, and the feel of Harper’s warmth along her body made everything they had done come slamming back into her brain, and she blushed madly.

  “Are you okay? I mean about last night?” Harper said into her hair from behind her.

  Sarah swallowed, trying to find her voice. “Yeah. It was really… It was amazing.”

  Harper’s arms tightened around her. “I’ve never felt that way before. I didn’t know I could feel that way.”

  “I have.”

  Harper stiffened before she let go of her and propped herself up on one arm. Sarah turned over to find a wounded expression on her face. “I thought you said you’d never been with anyone?”

  “No, not like that.” Sarah lifted a hand to Harper’s cheek, and Harper turned into it. “This is probably going to sound silly, but the only time I’ve felt anything like that is when I draw. Like something is coming to life inside of me.” She peered deep into Harper’s eyes. “Like I’m free.”

  Harper leaned in and kissed her lips softly, languidly. “I like the way you describe it. That’s how I feel when I’m with you too. Free.”

  “It’s stronger when I’m with you than when I paint though. It’s similar, but it’s something entirely different at the same time.”

  Harper moved a strand of hair from the side of her face. Every touch that morning was more meaningful, more tender than it had been before. There was that longing again, that need to have Harper close, as close as her own skin. She pulled her down on top of her and kissed her lips.

  “When we were together, I felt like I couldn’t get close enough to you. This is going to sound weird, but it’s like I want you in my own skin. I want you to be inside of me.”

  Harper’s eyes were glassy when she spoke. “I feel that too.” Instead of kissing her lips, Harper leaned down and nuzzled her face into Sarah’s neck. She began a trail of kisses from her shoulder to her ear.

  “You know that makes me crazy,” Sarah groaned, and Harper grinned.

  “That’s the point.”

  “Vixen.” Sarah smiled in turn.

  “I’m going to go brush my teeth.” Harper jumped off of her abruptly, scooping down to grab her clothing as she rushed out of the room and into the washroom next door.

  Sarah lay back down in Harper’s bed with a contented sigh. She couldn’t believe how far this thing between them had progressed. The night before, Harper had shown her things she hadn’t known she wanted until Harper pulled them out of her. She was the most amazing person she had ever met, and nothing could ever match the feelings that she had for her now.

  She gathered up her clothing and dressed, awkward about lying in bed without any clothes on. The idea that she had gotten naked with anybody blew her mind. She’d always been shy, but Harper’s affection for her built a confidence inside her that she didn’t think was possible.

  When Harper returned, Sarah was sitting on the edge of the bed, her T-shirt and jeans back on. She stood. “My turn.” She smiled as she passed Harper with her overnight bag in hand. Would Harper want her to leave soon? She didn’t have any experience in this. Was Harper’s getting up and dressed supposed to serve as her dismissal? How did things work after you slept with someone? Sarah blushed at the thought and looked at herself in the mirror. She didn’t recognize herself. The colour in her cheeks gave her a sort of glow, and her reflection was unfamiliar. For the first time, she saw someone who was complete.

  When she returned to the room, Harper was lying on her bed again, but she was fully dressed and on top of the covers that she had haphazardly pulled over the bed. She gestured for Sarah to come back and join her, so she did. Harper opened her arms, and Sarah cuddled up against her side. She leaned into the crook of her neck, taking in her scent. Never in her life had she been so content. Harper was like the piece of her that she’d no idea was missing until she fit right into place.

  When she thought back to those first few meetings with Harper, she almost laughed. Even before she knew what it meant, she’d wanted her so badly, so desperately, but never could she have imagined that Harper felt anything akin to the same. She still had no idea how it had happened, how Harper Isabelle had fallen for her, but she never wanted to know what it would be like not to have Harper in her life again.

  Before her, everything had been shrouded in a kind of darkness, and she never wanted to go back to that, even if they had to keep this a secret forever. Tyler had the ability to make her feel better, but no one had ever made her feel good about herself before Harper. She made her feel as if she was worthwhile. As if she was good enough.

  Harper had taken an interest in her art, in her passions, her thoughts, and her feelings. Sometimes Tyler and her parents heard her, but with Harper, she felt listened to. Harper made her happier than she ever thought she could be, but there was always that fear attached with her feelings. What if someone found out? What if Tyler did? If he told her parents, it would all be over. They’d have her shipped out of there so fast, she probably wouldn’t even have time to say goodbye. If people at school ever found out, she’d go back to being that loser who was on the receiving end of everyone’s malice. The punch line for the popular people. She’d go back to hanging her head in the hallways and trying to keep a low profile just to avoid being bullied and teased. She never wanted to feel that way again.

  “Hey, are you okay?” Harper asked her. “You look a million miles away right now.”

  “It’s nothing.”

  “What is it?”

  Sarah tried to turn from Harper. Sometimes it hurt just looking into her eyes. They were so honest.

  “What’s going on in that head of yours?”

  Sarah shook her head. “It’s nothing,” she repeated.

  “Are you sure?” Harper asked, clearly not convinced.

  “Yeah.” She tried a smile. “Why don’t you put on some music?”

  Harper nodded, thankfully leaving her alone with her thoughts. “What would you like to hear?”

  “Anything.”

  Harper selected something on her phone, and readjusted herself to lay down again, this time laying her head of lustrous brown hair over Sarah’s stomach, and closing her eyes with a smile.

  “Are you comfy?” Sarah asked with a small laugh.

  “Mmm-hmm.”

  The opening riffs of “Piano Man” came from the speakers on her phone.

  “Oh, good song.”

  “One of your favourites,” Harper said knowingly, her eyes still closed.

  Sarah let her hands slowly trace through Harper’s long twists of soft hair. “For some reason, this song always makes me think of New York. Have you ever been there?” Sarah asked.

  “Yes.” Harper nodded and opened her eyes. “It’s one of my favourite cities, actually. I first went there on a class trip in grade seven, and then we went back last sum
mer. It’s such a cool city, Sarah. You’d love it there. In Soho, it’s like there’s an art gallery every other store. I could see myself living there when I’m older.”

  “How’s it different from here?”

  “It’s like Toronto, but a hundred times bigger. Practically every street is a main street, and at night, there’s bright lights everywhere. Every street corner feels like Yonge and Bloor, and it’s like the city is alive all hours of the night. Maybe we’ll go there together one day.”

  Was that even a possibility? Thinking about a future with Harper was so uncertain, she couldn’t even bring herself to picture it, but imagining one without her was equally as difficult. If Harper were to leave her life now, how would she go on?

  “You mean it?” she asked, trying to visualize them there. It was easier somehow, seeing them in another city, without the judging eyes of her family and their peers.

  Harper sat up and looked at her excitedly. “Totally. When we’re older, I’ll have some fancy job and make the big bucks, and you’ll paint for a living. We’ll live above a studio or a small store where we buy our cigarettes and flowers, and the landlord is always complaining because we play our music too loud, and you make too much noise at night.” Harper poked her in the stomach with a mischievous grin.

  Heat flared in her cheeks. “Was I that loud?”

  Harper leaned in quickly and gave her a reassuring kiss. “I loved it.”

  “Piano Man” finished, and a new song that Sarah didn’t recognize came on, but it had that same melancholic tone, and it made her feel older somehow. “I would really like that, what you described, but it’s just a fantasy, isn’t it?”

  Harper bit her bottom lip before she spoke. It was an action Sarah had come to recognize as Harper being contemplative about something. “It doesn’t have to be. You know, before I met you, I never really felt like myself. When I’m with you though, I feel like I’m finally who I am supposed to be. Does that make sense?” She reached forward and took Sarah’s hand in hers. “Now that I’ve met you, I feel like I wouldn’t know who I was without you.” Harper’s eyes held such affection that it made her chest ache. “Sarah, I don’t want it to be a fantasy. I want to break up with Tyler. I want us to be together.”

  Fear crept through her skin like ice at Harper’s words, and Sarah pulled her hand back abruptly. “Harper, we can’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “Y-you don’t know what it’s like.” Suddenly, she was standing, pacing the room. “You’ve never…do you really think your friends would be okay with this? With us? That they’d understand?”

  Harper sat cross-legged on the bed, following Sarah’s movements with her stare. “I don’t know. Maybe. Eventually.”

  “Harper, they wouldn’t understand. I don’t even understand what this is.”

  Harper’s face fell. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean…I mean that this is not something I was looking for. It just kind of happened, and if anyone found out—”

  “Would that be so bad?”

  Sarah stopped. Harper was serious. A tidal wave of blood rushed to her head, and her heart pounded in her ears. “No one can ever know, Harper.” She had a few friends now, was invited to parties, and nobody picked on her at school anymore. Most importantly, she had Harper, but if anyone found out, Harper would surely turn on her, and she would lose everything. “This has to stay between us.”

  “And what about Tyler?” Sarah was surprised by the irritation in Harper’s voice. “You want me to keep going out with him? Keep being his girlfriend? Sarah, I can’t. Not after last night.”

  The tears in Harper’s eyes knocked the wind out of her, and she didn’t know what to say.

  “I can’t be with him, not after being with you like that.”

  In her mind’s eye, Sarah watched Harper go off with Tyler again at a party. Did Harper’s breath catch when she kissed him the way it did with her? Did she moan softly when he pushed his weight against her, like she had with her? Did her body call out to his, the way it did to hers?

  “Are you sleeping with him?”

  “Sarah, no.” The hurt was evident in Harper’s eyes. “I wouldn’t do that to you.”

  “But he wants to?”

  Harper nodded.

  “Do you?”

  “How can you ask me that?” The tears spilled over now. “I only want to be with you. I would never do that with Tyler, I swear. That’s why I want to break up with him. Whatever the consequences are, they can’t be worse than having to pretend all the time. Than lying about it to everyone. Aren’t you tired of it?”

  She was. She was so tired, but she was also still lying to herself about what all of it meant. She didn’t want to admit how strong her feelings had gotten. She couldn’t acknowledge what Harper truly meant to her, because then she’d have to admit what she was, and she wasn’t ready for that.

  She moved back to the bed and took Harper’s hands in hers. “Harper, I can’t. I’m not… I’m just not ready.” She left out the part where she never would be. If she told Harper that, she might leave her, and she couldn’t go back to living without her. Not after everything they’d shared. Her feelings for Harper had reached a dangerous level, and whatever happened, she couldn’t lose that, but she couldn’t do what Harper wanted either, and the idea of going back to who she had been before was, in that moment, just as scary as the idea of losing Harper. “I need more time.”

  “How much time?”

  “I don’t know.” Tears came to her eyes because no amount of time that Harper gave her would ever be enough. She could never do what Harper was asking. She should be honest and tell her that, but she couldn’t stand the idea of life without her.

  Harper opened her arms for her, and Sarah went into them, letting out a sob when Harper wrapped her up in her warmth. “It’s okay,” Harper said through her own tears. “As long as you stay with me now, we can worry about tomorrow when we get there.”

  Sarah wiped the tears from her cheeks. No matter what she did, tomorrow would come, and one day, it would take everything from her.

  CHAPTER 21

  For the first time in her life, Harper truly had it all. She’d always had friends, popularity, good grades, and of course, Bronte looking out for her, but now she also had a beautiful girl that made her the luckiest person in the world. The trouble was that she still had Tyler too.

  Sharing herself with him had become increasingly difficult over the last few weeks. The wonderful night she had spent with Sarah had forced her to turn a corner on her tolerance when it came to her relationship with Tyler. After she and Sarah had discussed going public with their relationship, they had made love again, and Harper felt so close to Sarah that she would do anything to stay with her, even if it meant keeping what they shared a secret. Her appetite for Sarah had only become more voracious since they’d slept together, and although she still hadn’t put words to her feelings, she knew she was in deep trouble.

  In her other life, she’d been dating Tyler for almost six months now. Harper wasn’t stupid. There was no way she could keep getting away with pushing him off and telling him she needed more time. March break had just started, and she was glad they weren’t going away, because that meant she’d be able to go to Jen’s big party, and Sarah had already agreed to come as well. Jen had even been gracious enough to invite Sarah herself, and that gave Harper hope.

  The day of the party, Sarah told her that she would be coming with Tyler, but that she didn’t want Harper to meet them beforehand. Sarah had told her how hard it was to see the two of them together, but lately Harper was having trouble sympathizing with her, since she was the one who wanted her to keep up her relationship with Tyler.

  Jen asked Harper, Melissa, and Alexis to come early and help her set up, so it was just the four of them that afternoon. The party was set to start at seven o’clock, and they were just half an hour away now. Sarah wouldn’t get there until about an hour after the party started, but she couldn�
�t help checking her phone for the time every five minutes anyway.

  “Anxious to see Tyler?” Jen asked. Alexis and Melissa had gone to the store to get some last minute ice for the coolers, so it was just her and Jen moving chairs from the dining room along the entranceway to make sure that no one would go into the room and break anything. “Harper?”

  She hadn’t answered Jen’s question. “Yeah, sure.” She picked up another chair and blocked off the final section of the entryway.

  “Hey.” The sincerity in Jen’s voice made her stop. “You know you can talk to me, right?”

  “What do you mean?” She moved outside the chairs.

  “Something’s up with you, Harp, and whatever it is, you can tell me.”

  Harper wanted so badly to believe her. It would feel so good to tell someone about Sarah. To share how happy she was. To be able to talk about the emotions that were bouncing around inside of her. She couldn’t risk it though. If Sarah found out, she wouldn’t understand. She’d been so adamant that everything between them remain a secret. Plus, she couldn’t be sure how Jen would react either. What if she laughed at her? What if she told Alexis and Melissa when they got back? What if she told everyone at the party?

  “It’s nothing.”

  Jen frowned at her, but she didn’t push. “If you change your mind, I’m here.”

  The front door opened, and Harper hurried to help Alexis and Melissa with the ice. She’d come close to telling Jen about her and Sarah, and that scared her. If the temptation to talk about her secret was so strong, what would happen after she’d had a few drinks?

  “Come on, bitches, let’s get this party started.” Alexis held up a bottle of vodka.

  They were just finishing their first drinks when people started to arrive. Aware that Jen might be watching her, Harper tried not to look at the door every time it opened. Sarah would get there when she got there. Giving herself away in the meantime wouldn’t get her there any faster.