Sarah wasn’t sure how long she stood outside as it sank in. Maybe she was mistaken. She made her way up the stairs on shaky legs. Maybe she had misunderstood. She knocked on his door. Maybe she was completely wrong and he didn’t know anything, but then again, maybe he did.
“Tyler?” She opened his door hesitantly.
He was lying on his bed, face down in his pillow in the dark. “Just leave me alone.”
She wanted to, but she had to know what he knew. “Tyler–”
“Was she as good when she was fucking you?” He spat the words at her. “Get the hell out!”
Sarah was shaking when she closed the door. Tyler didn’t know something, he knew everything. It all felt so surreal, like she was floating in her own mind. Tyler knew about her and Harper. Was she as good when she was fucking you?
They’d slept together.
Sarah’s vision blurred with tears. Harper had promised her that she’d never do that with him. She’d lied. She’d been lying all along. She had been using her, playing with her emotions, making a fool of her. She’d let herself fall in…no, she wouldn’t say it, couldn’t admit it. Whatever she had felt for Harper, it was over.
That night, she cried harder than she had in her entire life. She didn’t think she’d slept at all until she woke up and for a brief moment thought it had all been a dream, but then the memories came crashing back down. Harper, the person she had given everything to, had been sleeping with her brother. She’d let him put his hands—no, it was worse than that. Sarah got some sick satisfaction out of the pain her thoughts caused her because she deserved every ounce of it. Harper had let Tyler inside her. Sarah tried to muffle her sob. She’d let him inside, into a place she’d promised belonged only to Sarah.
* * *
If she’d felt dead inside before the revelation, she was nothing more than a zombie now. Tyler left for school without her the next day, and although Sarah eventually made the walk, she hadn’t the heart to go in to her class. What if Tyler told someone? Did he really believe what he’d said about them? Did he know about all of it?
The thought of anybody finding out paralyzed her. Instead of going to class, she spent first period sitting on the bleachers, crying into the sleeves of her hoodie.
“Hey, girl, you okay?” It was Brian, Tyler’s friend. His eyes were red and he smelled of weed.
“You have any more of that?” She motioned with her thumb and forefinger toward her mouth, as if she were smoking a joint. She’d never smoked marijuana in her life, but people’s cares seemed to magically slip away when they did, and she could really use that kind of mind-numbing distraction.
“Yeah, sure.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a half-smoked joint. “You want to go down to the ravine?”
They made the walk in silence, Brian with a grin on his face that only weed could provide. “So, Tyler’s sister, smoking weed,” he said in kind of a sing-song and laughed.
“That’s right,” Sarah said, just waiting for him to light it. When they got into the cover of the ravine, he stopped, and pulled out a lighter.
“Okay, easy now, this is kind of harsh.” He inhaled sharply and lost his voice, then passed it to her.
She took too much in, and choked violently before waving Brian off and taking a few more big pulls.
“Whoa, whoa, little sister,” Brian said, his voice sounding so mellow and chill that it made Sarah laugh.
“I’m not your little sister,” she said between pulls, “and besides, I’m five minutes older than Tyler.” She exhaled.
“No shit?” He took a long pull, and held it for as long as he could before exhaling. “Now I don’t feel so bad for crushing on you.”
His confession surprised her. “When were you crushing on me?” she asked curiously, trying to get every last pull out of the joint.
“Last summer.” They watched the cherry breathe its last. “I thought Ty would kick my ass if I tried anything though.” He laughed, and pulled a bottle of water out of his bag.
He handed it to her first, which in that moment seemed incredibly gallant. Brian was a nice guy. His eyes grew smaller as his high increased, and the small hairs on his chin and around his mouth looked almost cute. She’d never been with a guy before, but if Harper could do it, why couldn’t she?
The water forgotten, she reached forward, and kissed him.
“Whoa, little—”
She put a hand over his mouth and silenced him. “I’m no one’s little sister.”
Brian was gentle despite how high he was, and he didn’t push. At first, it wasn’t so bad, kissing a guy. Harper had done it and so much more. All along, Harper had been pretending she didn’t want to be with Tyler, but she had slept with him anyway. Sarah thought they’d been lying to everyone else, but really, Harper had been lying to her. Harper, who she had given everything to. Harper, who meant everything to her.
She pushed Brian away from her, and he stumbled back, looking confused. “I’m sorry,” she apologized, tears in her eyes.
“Hey, wait, it’s okay.” He tried to grab at her, but she backed away.
“It’s not you, I’m sorry.” She took a few more steps backward to make sure he wasn’t following her before she rushed out of the woods, back toward school.
She marched through the field, wiping furiously at her tears. How did she think being without Harper would feel? How could she have ever imagined that anything could feel worse than not being with her? Was it really so important to her that girls like Julie and Nikki liked her? Did it really matter that Alexis didn’t sneer at her in the bathroom anymore, or that she didn’t have to be the odd man out for group projects? Had high school popularity, fitting in, really been more important to her than falling in love?
Sarah stopped in her tracks. She could not be in love with Harper. Harper had been sleeping with her brother. She was not in love with her. No, everything with Harper was over. She had to face that, just like she had to face going back to school. If she missed more class, her parents would find out, and she was already so tired of lying to them. She didn’t have it in her anymore.
She managed to make up a reasonable story to the secretary in the principal’s office, and got a note to get her out of missing her homeroom. She had a few minutes before second period, so she hurried to her locker. If she was quick, she could be gone before Harper made it between her classes.
Sarah’s heart broke anew when a letter fell out as she opened her locker door. Her hands were shaking when she opened it.
I miss you. Meet me by the bleachers after school.
She knew the handwriting better than she knew her own. Liar. She crushed the letter and threw it into the first garbage bin she saw.
* * *
Tyler had stopped walking home with her, but so far he hadn’t told anybody at school about her. How long would that last? He was hurt, just like she was.
“Sarah, wait!”
She turned. Harper was running after her, and tears immediately sprang to Sarah’s eyes. How could one person have so much power over her?
“What do you want?” She asked, exhausted.
“Hey, I’m sorry,” Harper said, looking almost as miserable as Sarah felt. “Why didn’t you meet me?”
“Why would I?”
Harper looked even more wounded now. “I’m sorry.”
Sarah tried to move away again, and Harper grabbed both of her wrists.
“I shouldn’t have said those things that night. I need you to know how sorry I am. I was hurting, and I wanted you to hurt too.”
Sarah tried to pull out of her grip.
“No, Sarah, please listen. I’ve missed you so much. It’s been killing me. I never, ever should have said those things to you. I never should have made you doubt my feelings for you. I was just so tired of everything, but there was never a choice for me. Since the day I met you, you’ve been all I’ve thought about. It’s always been you, Sarah, and it will always be you. If you need to keep us a secret, then
I can do that if it means we can be together.”
“It’s so small, isn’t it?” she said despondently.
Harper looked confused. “What is?”
“The space between what’s wrong and right. After you broke things off with me, I thought that maybe I had been wrong. I thought that maybe you were right. I even started to think that I had made a huge mistake, until Tyler told me the truth about you.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Stop it.” Sarah pulled away from her.
“Stop what?”
“What? Stop lying! You’ve been lying to me all along.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Tyler told me. I guess you thought he wouldn’t.”
“Tyler told you what?”
“You know what!” she said, her voice cracking and raw. “I was so stupid. You must have thought I was so stupid!”
“What are you talking about?”
“I know you fucked him!”
“No…”
“Don’t lie to me anymore. You were fucking my brother the whole time and lying to me about it.”
Harper shook her head. “Sarah, stop.”
“Oh, you don’t want to hear about it? Too bad.”
“Stop!”
“Why? All of a sudden you don’t want to be a whore? How do you think I felt hearing it from my brother?”
“He lied to you.”
“You’re the one who lied, and now he knows everything!”
“I never lied to you.” Harper shook her head sadly. “I never…” her voice caught. “I’ve only been with you.” She tried to grab her hands, but Sarah stepped back swiftly.
“Don’t touch me.” She seethed. “You betrayed me.” The image of what Harper had done with Tyler assaulted her mind. She imagined her moaning the way she did with her, opening up to him as she had her, allowing him to access the parts of her that she had thought were hers alone. “How could you?” Sarah said and covered her mouth when it trembled, humiliated by the intensity of her feelings.
“Sarah, I wanted to be with you. I tried to, but you wouldn’t let me.”
“I could never be with you. I knew what we were doing was wrong. I knew it was wrong to feel the way I did about you.” Sarah shook her head. “I never want to see you again.”
Harper nodded and wiped the tears away, taking a step back. “That’s where I’ll be waiting for you then. In the space between what’s wrong and right.” She turned, and walked out of her life.
* * *
After a few minutes, or maybe it was hours, Sarah found herself back at home. She couldn’t remember walking the distance, or what she’d been thinking as she moved. All she could see was Harper turning her back on her and walking away. Again.
When she got upstairs, Tyler was in her room, going through her drawers.
“Tyler, what the–”
“You fucking bitch!”
Tyler was holding one of her letters from Harper in his hand. There were two more open on her bed. She hadn’t planned on it, but she found herself soaring through the air to tackle Tyler. He tried to force her off, but she was ferocious, scratching and clawing at him.
“Get the fuck off me!” he yelled.
Finally, he overpowered her and pinned her down beneath him, holding both her wrists firmly to the ground as she sobbed.
“I’ll let you go if you promise to stop attacking me.”
“If you let go, I’ll rip your fucking head off!” she said viciously. “You ruined everything.”
Realization dawned in his eyes. “Join the club. Harper broke up with me this afternoon. I guess she is gay after all.”
Sarah still tried to scratch his face off, but he held her firmly, which only made her more furious. She spat in his face, and finally he let her go to wipe the spit out of his eye.
“What on earth is going on in here?” Their mother stormed in.
“Sarah’s attacking me,” Tyler whined. “She spit in my eye.”
“What has gotten into you?” her mother yelled, horror in her eyes at the scene in front of her, looking at her daughter as if she were a stranger.
“Yeah, Sarah,” Tyler goaded her. “Why don’t you tell mom what you’re so angry about?” Sarah’s eyes warned Tyler to stop. Obviously, that was the wrong decision. Her fear only incensed him. “Harper broke up with me today, Mom, and do you know why?”
“Shut up, Tyler!” Sarah hissed.
“I don’t care why, Tyler. You’re not supposed to be dating. Get off of your sister.”
Tyler clenched his jaw, but eventually got off.
“Now clean yourselves up. Your father’s almost home. He’d be sick if he saw his children acting this way. I expect you both downstairs for dinner in five minutes. Tyler, leave your sister’s room, and don’t return if you’re not invited. We raised you both better than this.”
Tyler waited for their mother to walk down the stairs before turning back to her. “She broke up with me because of you,” he said. “How long do you think your little girlfriend is going to last as queen of the school after everyone finds out she’s a lesbian?”
“D-don’t call her that.”
“Why not? It’s what she is, isn’t it? It’s what you both are.”
Sarah’s eyes filled with new tears. She wanted to argue, but what was the point? The fight had left her. It was over. It was finally all over.
CHAPTER 23
The first time it happened, Harper thought she’d misheard. She must have. Dan Arsenault, the geek she’d turned down to the Halloween dance in grade seven had not just called her a dyke as he passed her in the hall.
When she got to homeroom, people were looking at her funny. Was she imagining it? Were people whispering about her? She was sitting in the back row, and people were definitely taking pains to look back and stare at her. What the hell? Nikki Sanders was sitting beside her. She remembered she’d shown up to her party with Julie and Sarah at the beginning of the year, and that made her the closest thing she had to a friend right then.
“Did I miss something?” she whispered to her.
Nikki furrowed her brow before answering. “Well, I think it’s the rest of us who were missing something, wouldn’t you say?”
“Um…what?”
“Tyler told everyone.”
Harper’s heart stilled in her chest. “Told everyone what?”
“That you like girls.”
“I…what?” She couldn’t have heard that right.
“Personally, I don’t care.” Nikki flipped back her long, blonde hair. “But I think it’s pretty shitty what you did to him, you know? A lot of people do.”
“What did I do to him?” Harper was surprised that she was still able to breathe and talk, since it was like she was floating outside of her body. Sarah had been right. He knew.
“Asking him to dress up as a girl and stuff.”
Harper’s stomach fell. What the fuck? The truth would have been bad enough, but he was spreading lies to make it even worse. How could he do that to her? To Sarah? For a moment, Harper felt bad for Sarah, even after the horrible things she’d said to her. This was Sarah’s worst nightmare, and in that moment, it bothered her more that Sarah was exposed than that she was.
“What did he say about Sarah?”
“Huh?”
“What did he say about his sister?”
“What did he say about his sister about what?”
Before Harper could ask her to clarify whatever that sentence meant, the teacher walked in, and all whispering came to a close. The class seemed to take forever to finish, and the second it did, she grabbed Nikki’s shirt, pulling her aside.
“You’re going to tell me everything you know, right now.”
“Ow, let go of me.” Nikki shirked out of her grasp. “I’m not into you like that.”
“Spare me.” Harper moved in front of her when Nikki made to walk past her. “Tell me.”
“Look, I only know what he to
ld people. That you like to watch other girls in the shower, and that you asked him to dress up like a girl a few times when you were drunk. Then he caught you making out with some girl.”
Harper lost feeling in her legs. “What girl?”
“Some girl from another school. You should know.”
This time, when Nikki moved past her, Harper was too dumbstruck to try to stop her. Tyler had found out about them and exposed her. It wasn’t enough that he’d lied to Sarah and told her that they’d slept together. It wasn’t enough that he’d made Sarah hate her, that he’d turned her against her. He also needed to take everything else away, and where better to hit her than at school. In exposing her, he’d really gone for her jugular. He knew as much as anybody else how shaky her hold was on her group of friends. He’d seen the way Alexis challenged her, and he’d given her the ammunition to take her down for good.
She found herself looking over her shoulder as she walked down the halls. People were definitely whispering. For someone who everyone had always wanted to be friends with, she found herself with a serious lack of allies as she made her way to her next class.
When she got to her chemistry lab and Jen was waiting at their table, she wanted to cry with relief at the sight of her.
“Harper, what’s going on?” Jen asked as soon as she sat down. “Why is Tyler telling everyone that you’re gay?”
“I don’t know,” she said, and the lie made her sick.
“Some guys are such jerks. Like, you break up with him, so he tells everyone you’re gay? What an asshole.”
“Yeah,” Harper agreed. Okay, maybe she could get through this. At this point, it was still just a rumour. His word against hers. It seemed that he had decided his revenge was for her alone, and had left Sarah out of it. Without exposing her as well, he didn’t really have any proof.
“Like, as if you told him you watched girls changing in gym class.”
“I did not tell him that.” Harper had no trouble keeping the sincerity in her voice this time. Tyler didn’t just want everyone to know she was gay. He wanted them to think she was a pervert.
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