“I know. As if.”
“As if.” Harper smiled. As long as Jen believed her, she had one person on her side. She might just be able to beat this. Things might go back to being okay again, or as okay as they could be now that she and Sarah had stopped talking.
That first week after they had broken things off had been the hardest of her life. All of the resolve she’d had the night of Jen’s party slowly left her, until she couldn’t stand not talking to Sarah anymore, and she’d stupidly written her that letter, telling her she missed her. In that moment, she’d been willing to take it all back, to go back to hiding with her forever, if it meant that she could be with her again.
Tyler had to go though. If she was only staying with Tyler to be with Sarah, now that Sarah had said she couldn’t be with her anymore, what was she still doing with her brother? At first, she’d thought that maybe Sarah would realize she’d been serious about her ultimatum and come back to her, but when that didn’t happen, she’d run out of use for Tyler. It was cruel, but it wasn’t as if leading him on for the last six months had been nice. Before that morning, she’d thought Tyler was a decent guy, and he deserved to be with someone who cared about him, not someone who was faking all of it.
“Hey, you know what we should do? We should start a nasty rumour about Tyler now. Put the heat back on him,” Jen said.
“What do you mean?”
“Let’s show him two can play at that game. Oh! We could say we saw him kissing his sister or something.”
“No!” She hadn’t meant to shout, but it was too late, and the class was looking at her now. Great, as if she needed any more attention focused on her. “No,” she said more calmly. “I want to leave Sarah out of it. I don’t want to do anything like that anyway.”
Jen looked at her strangely, and she began to wonder if she had ink on her face or something. Then Jen cleared her throat, looked down, and said out of the side of her mouth, “Remember when I told you that you could talk to me?”
Harper’s heart sped up. “Yeah.”
“I meant it. If there’s something going on, something you want to talk about, you can talk to me.” She turned and met Harper’s eyes. “I wouldn’t tell Alexis and Melissa, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“Melissa is your best friend.”
Jen shook her head. “We all say we’re your best friend, did you know that? Only none of us are. Alexis pretends she’s your real best friend, but I don’t think she’d know the real you from Adam if she had to.”
Harper didn’t answer. Jen was leading them onto dangerous ground, and she wasn’t sure what to say. She’d never been this honest with her before. None of them were ever really honest about their friendships and where they stood with each other. For the first time, it occurred to her how unusual that was.
“What I’m saying is,” Jen continued, “I never really thought I was your best friend. Honestly, I’m just happy to be part of the group most days. I’m not as pretty as the rest of you, I know that, and it seems like the only guys who ever like me are the ones you three have turned down, but for some reason you let me hang out with you guys anyway, and most of the time I actually feel like I belong, and that’s because of you. Remember last summer when Jason cheated on me, and I found out?”
Harper nodded. Jen had been a total wreck that night.
“Do you remember what you said to me?”
This time, Harper shook her head.
“You said it was his loss. That he was an ass, and that I’d meet somebody better. Do you know what Alexis said? She told me I should sleep with him and give him what he wanted, and then he’d probably go out with me again.”
“That’s shitty.”
“Yeah, it was. The worst part was, I considered it. I was worried that if Jason didn’t want me anymore, that you guys wouldn’t either.”
“Jen, that’s not true. I didn’t care whether or not you were dating him.”
“I know. Well, I know that now anyway. But I was so insecure that I almost slept with the guy who’d just cheated on me all so that I could have your approval.”
“Why are you telling me all this?”
“I guess I just want you to know that you don’t have to do anything to impress me, okay? Whoever you are, whoever you like…I’d be okay with it.”
Harper looked away, unable to meet her eyes anymore. Jen was offering her an olive branch in exchange for the truth, but she couldn’t do it. If she was going to beat the rumours, she had to do it at full-force.
“I like guys.” The words tasted like bile in her mouth. “But thanks.”
For a moment, Jen actually looked disappointed in her, but it was replaced by a plastic smile. How many of those had they given each other over the years?
“Of course you do. I just meant…never mind. I guess it doesn’t matter.”
It did matter though. Jen’s support meant more to Harper than her friend could have known. She let out a deep breath. She couldn’t think about that. She couldn’t think about confessing everything to Jen, no matter how badly she wanted to. She had the rest of the school to worry about, and even worse, Bronte. It would just be a matter of time before Bronte heard the rumours, and she would have to get her story straight, really straight, if she was going to fool her too.
* * *
It was stupid for her to go to her locker at lunch. She should have avoided Sarah, but she had to see her, even for a second. Was she enjoying this as much as Tyler was? Had she helped spread the rumours? The last time they’d seen each other, she made Harper believe she had enough malice in her to do it.
Sarah wasn’t there, but all eyes were on her, and it made her feel more vulnerable than she’d expected. She hurried down to the cafeteria. Alexis, Melissa, and Jen were already there, and she breathed a sigh of relief as she joined them at their usual table.
“So, Harp, something you want to tell us?” Alexis asked before she’d even sat down.
“Uh, no.” She paused.
“You haven’t been moonlighting as a dyke then?”
“Alexis,” Jen said briskly. “Shut up.”
“So, you believe Tyler’s stories?” Harper asked, trying to keep the quaver from her voice.
“Should we?”
“No,” Jen answered for her.
“I wasn’t asking you. I was asking Harper. Cause, you know, it would be really shitty if she’d been lying to us about herself this whole time.” She turned her hardened gaze onto Harper. “Especially since you knew I had a thing for Tyler right from the beginning. If you were dating him and watching us change at our sleepovers at the same time, that would be a pretty despicable thing to do.”
Harper couldn’t keep the sneer in. “You wish.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing. Guys, stop it,” Jen said.
“What’s it to you if I ask Harper a few questions. If none of it’s true, like she’s saying, then why are you defending her? Are you a dyke too?”
“Stop saying that word!” Jen screamed. That was unexpected.
“You totally are! The way you follow Harper around like a puppy should have been a clue a long time ago.”
“Leave her alone.” Harper tried to keep the tremor from her voice.
“Tyler never said who your lesbian lover was.” She lingered on the words, drawing them out, making sure Harper heard her disgust in every syllable. “Maybe it’s Jen.”
“Wouldn’t that just suck for you?” Harper spat out.
“What the fuck are you saying?”
“If anyone’s been sniffing at my crotch since we met, it’s you. God, you’d do anything to be popular, wouldn’t you? You would have done anything to impress me because I’m Bronte’s sister, and now you’d turn on me just as quickly, so that what, you can lead Melissa and Jen around like they’re on leashes?”
“Hey,” Jen cautioned from beside her.
“What the hell is going on?” Melissa finally asked. Harper was starti
ng to think she’d become mute.
“You guys tell me. What’s it going to be?”
“If you’ve been lying to us all this time about being gay, sharing beds with us, showering with us in pool and gym class all these years, then you’re just as sick as Tyler says you are.” Alexis crossed her arms in front of her chest.
Harper nodded once, trying to ignore the prickling behind her eyes. “Melissa, do you feel the same way?”
“I don’t know what’s happening.”
“God, have you always been such a fucking coward?”
“Whoa.” Jen sounded alarmed, but Harper was long past subtle warnings.
“I don’t even know why I’m asking. The bitch always does what the alpha says, right?”
“Fuck you, Harper. I always thought Alexis was prettier than you are.” Melissa moved her chair closer to Alexis.
Harper couldn’t keep the shocked laugh from escaping her throat. “Wow, okay, got it.”
Before she could turn on Jen and say something that she would really regret, someone broke into the caf, screaming. “Fight!”
Everyone turned their heads, and Harper found herself rushing upstairs with the rest of the students. In the first floor hallway, a mob had formed. As she approached, the crowd like waters parted, allowing her entry, and a pit of dread opened inside her.
In the middle of the commotion, Tyler was getting up off his ass, using the lockers behind him for support. His nose was bleeding, and there were sanguine stains all down his white, long-sleeve T-shirt. Todd Harrison stood over him, shaking his right hand. Bronte was rubbing Todd’s back encouragingly.
Sarah dropped down to help Tyler up, but he pushed her off. Their eyes met for a brief instant, and there was so much panic in Sarah that, for a moment, all she wanted to do was comfort her. That was before it all sunk in, as if in slow motion, and she understood that this was about her, and she was the one who would need rescuing, not Sarah.
“Tell him, Harper,” Bronte said to her. There was no slinking away from this. “Tell him he’s a lying piece of shit, and that you’re not a lesbian.”
Everything around her drowned out and her mind snapped into focus. Everyone was staring at her. Bronte was looking at her expectantly. This was it. The thrum of everything began to build up inside her. All her feelings. All her anger. All the shame and all the joy she’d experienced with Sarah. Her cowardice was shrinking down, and for the first time, a strength began to grow inside of her. It was all culminating, as if her entire life had been leading up to this moment. She breathed deeply, her heart beating steadily. This was her one shot. Her chance to be brave. To stand up for who she was. If she turned her back on this moment, she would be turning her back on herself. If she denied this now, she might have to live a lie for the rest of her life.
She turned slowly to Sarah. She was so scared, and Harper never wanted to be that scared. If she didn’t own who she was now, she might never have the strength to do it again. She would lose her friends. She might even lose Bronte, but she wouldn’t lose herself. She took another deep breath, fire burning in her soul. If this was her last match, she would go down with an explosion.
“He is a liar. He didn’t catch me with anybody, and I didn’t do any of the things he said I did.” She closed her eyes and swallowed. This was the moment, and she would make it hers. Her belief in herself, her power, her strength; they swarmed around her protectively. She wouldn’t let the things she had to say go unsaid any longer. She may not have known who she was before, but after Sarah, she knew one true thing about herself. The fight inside of her was screaming to get out, to be heard, and this time, she wouldn’t try to silence it. “He lied about a lot of things, but not about the fact that I’m gay.”
It was so quiet in the hall that Harper could hear her own heart beating.
“You can’t be gay.” Bronte finally broke the silence, and Harper’s heart broke along with it, but she had come too far to turn back now. She wouldn’t let Bronte or anyone make her ashamed of who she was any longer. No matter how hard Bronte tried. “She doesn’t know what she’s saying,” Bronte said to Todd, and looked around to make sure everyone else heard her as well. “She’s not gay.”
“Bronte.” Harper tightened her jaw. “Can you hear me for once? Can you hear my voice this time, telling you something about myself that you didn’t plan for me? I am gay, and I’m not ashamed of it.”
“Well, you should be.” Bronte’s mouth was a thin line, and Harper’s tears threatened to fall. “You’re not my sister.” Bronte turned, grabbed Todd, and dragged him with her down the hall.
At the sound of a teacher’s voice, everyone quickly dispersed. Bronte had walked all the way down the hall before Harper looked for Sarah, but she and Tyler were gone.
“I guess that answers my question.” Alexis said smugly from behind her. She turned to face her. Melissa and Jen were there as well.
“Like it would have mattered. You’d have used anything to get rid of me. I’m so tired of looking over my shoulder, wondering if I’m going to see the dagger in your hand. You want the crown, take it. Just don’t be surprised when you realize it’s made of thorns.”
Harper held her head high as she turned and started down the hall. It was crucial to keep up her strength and dignity, at least until she was out of sight.
“Hey, wait up.” Jen came up next to her in a jog.
“Aren’t you worried what they’ll say about you?” She didn’t slow her pace. She had to get out of there.
“I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
“No, but I will be, and I won’t forget your kindness.”
“Good.” Jen smiled. “It’ll come in handy when you knock Alexis on her ass.”
Harper shook her head. “That’s just it; I don’t care about any of this anymore. Everything that I thought mattered is so meaningless, and everything that I should have been fighting for, well, I didn’t fight for hard enough. I let myself become someone I didn’t even recognize. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I want to be someone who’s worth caring about.”
“Harper,” Jen said quietly. “I just want you to know, I always liked her.”
Harper searched her eyes. “How long have you known?”
Jen shrugged. “I never would have said anything, but I wanted you to know you had someone you could talk to.”
“Well, it looks like now you’re the only one who’s talking to me.”
“She’ll come around.”
“I don’t know. This wasn’t exactly in Bronte’s plan.” She laughed self-deprecatingly.
“I don’t mean your sister. I mean Sarah.”
“I think…I think I need to be on my own for awhile. I need to figure out what I want, you know?”
“Brains and beauty.” Jen winked at her. “Just don’t be a stranger. You still have friends here.” She turned to head back down the hall.
“Jen?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you. You were always my favourite.” She smiled playfully.
Jen hit her arm and laughed. “Yeah, and don’t forget it.”
Harper was actually smiling as she walked out the doors into the warm April afternoon. She didn’t know exactly who she was, but she knew who she wasn’t, and that was a start. There was no turning back. She walked out, and even though people were talking about her as she walked past them, she didn’t stop, and she didn’t look back.
CHAPTER 24
Nothing had ever been harder for Sarah than watching Harper in that moment. She stood by as Harper’s entire life came crumbling down around her, and Harper stayed strong. Even if Harper had cheated on her with Tyler, it was still excruciating to see her take the blame for everything they had done together. She’d had no idea that Tyler had such cruelty in him, or Harper such strength. He hadn’t been bluffing when he said everyone at school was going to find out about what she was. About what they both were.
Was that who she was? When Bronte had forced Harper to
answer her in front of everybody, Sarah felt Harper’s struggle and pain as if it were her own, and it wasn’t just because of how deeply she still cared for her. It was more than that, like watching someone stand trial for her own sins and doing nothing as she paid the sentence for her crimes.
No wonder she was compelled to go to church the next morning. It was Saturday, and the pews were empty except for her. She had meant what she said to Harper. How small the space between right and wrong had become. Everything she believed in, everything she thought she knew, had been twisted inside out. Tyler, who she had always seen as her protector, as a paragon of light, had done horrible things. Harper, who was the sun in her sky, had been blotted out by rumours, by lies, by humiliation. Harper, who she had trusted with her heart, had betrayed her. The kids at school, whose approval she’d always wanted, suddenly seemed like vile creatures she didn’t want anywhere near her.
Lastly, she turned the scope on herself. She’d always tried to do what was right. Always tried to find the right path. Tried to live by the lessons and the words of her father, but how easily she had turned at the first temptation. Is that what Harper had been? A temptation? How had she gone so quickly from praying before every meal to sleeping with her brother’s girlfriend? She’d broken sacred laws, ones she knew as well as her own skin.
She’d spent her existence worshipping at the altar of her religion, and broken every rule the moment Harper walked into her life. The heaven she had always had trouble envisioning became all wrapped up in one girl, and she’d transferred her devotion to Harper as her own personal deity. She’d held Harper on a pedestal, putting her beyond reproach, beyond human error, and then watched her fall. She should have stood up for Harper in that moment, but how could she have without exposing herself? Harper had wanted to tell. Harper had wanted to be brave, and Sarah had even thought she might be brave enough for both of them, but Harper’s bravery had come with a terrible cost.
“Sarah?” She turned, and smiled at the familiar face a few rows behind her.
“Ms Cox.” She stood up. “I didn’t know you came to my dad’s church.”
The Space Between Page 25