The Space Between

by Michelle L. Teichman

  “Harper, I’m sorry. It was never that you weren’t enough. Don’t you see that? It’s that I wasn’t. I know I can’t ask you to forgive me. I wouldn’t deserve it anyway.”

  “You hurt me, Sarah. You hurt me really badly. I don’t know… I don’t think I could let myself be hurt like that again.”

  Sarah swallowed and shook her head dejectedly. “I just needed you to know how sorry I am. That none of this was your fault, and even with everything that’s happened, I’m so happy that I met you. You came into my life and… I don’t know how to explain it.” She stopped talking and looked at Harper. Everything she felt for her came rushing through her veins. “Why did you have to be so amazing?” She put her hand over her mouth, trying to cover its trembling. “Thank you for letting me love you.” She could say no more, not even if she wanted to.

  She turned around, her tears blinding her, but she didn’t care. She had imagined that Harper would reject her. She’d had to for self-preservation, but though she’d considered it, she had hoped that it wouldn’t really happen. That Harper wouldn’t really be able to throw away everything they’d shared. They were meant to be together, she knew the truth of it in her bones, but apparently Harper didn’t feel the same way, and that cut her deeper than any blade could have.

  “So, you’re just going to give up that easily?”

  Sarah snapped her head around. Harper was there, standing at the edge of her property line.

  “The pain is deep, Sarah, but not deeper than the love I have for you. If you’re saying that you know who you are now, then I think I’d like to get to know this new you,” Harper said carefully. “And I’d like you to get to know me too. I can’t make any promises, but I owe it to myself…to us…to try.”

  Sarah didn’t wait to be invited, she simply lunged into Harper’s arms. Harper caught her and squeezed her tightly. It was too much. “Harper, I’m so sorry.”

  Harper’s arms squeezed more tightly around her when she sobbed into her hair.

  “I’d do anything to have you back,” Sarah whispered

  “Do your parents know about you?” Harper asked, her voice low.

  “No.” Sarah pulled back, meeting Harper’s red-rimmed eyes with her own. “I’m not looking forward to them finding out, but I’ll deal with it when it happens. I’ll try to be strong like you.”

  Harper wiped the tears from Sarah’s eyes. “We'll be strong together.” She leaned forward and kissed Sarah’s lips. “Whatever comes next, we’ll face it together.”

  * * *

  “Whoa.” Sarah dropped her backpack onto the floor of Harper’s bedroom. Apparently, Harper had decided that some redecorating was in order. She’d ripped the wallpaper from the walls in strips, and half the clothing from her closet was spread across the floor or falling out of green garbage bags.

  “Oh, yeah.” Harper bit her bottom lip. “A bomb kind of went off after everything that happened with us. I decided I needed a change.”

  “Yeah,” Sarah said, taking in the wreckage.

  Harper laughed, grabbed her hand, and tried to pull her with her, but Sarah remained still. “Harper, I…” She looked away, her eyes filling with tears again.

  “Hey, no.” Harper moved into her, placing a hand on her cheek and moving her face so that she met her gaze. “We’re done with that.” She ran her thumb along Sarah’s cheekbone. “Come with me now,” she echoed, pulling her hand through time, leading her back to the bed where they’d first made love.

  The opportunity to communicate with words was over. Sarah felt it as Harper pulled her to her, and Sarah tried to understand that they were really here again, that somehow with all of the mistakes she’d made, all of the wrong paths she’d chosen, she had found her way back to Harper.

  Harper took Sarah’s hands in hers, slowly connecting their fingers. Sarah’s breath faltered, and Harper moved closer, gently placing a kiss on her lips. Her mouth was still at first, before her lips began to move gently against Harper’s. It felt how kissing Harper had always felt. Like fire.

  Sarah allowed herself to be drawn into the kiss, to dismiss the voice inside her head that told her this wouldn’t last. She pushed everything else out except the feeling of Harper’s lips moving against hers. She joined in the dance, using her mouth to capture Harper, allowing her body to be pulled into Harper’s once more.

  When Harper’s tongue pushed at the boundary of her mouth, she parted her lips to receive it and swallowed Harper’s moan. That sound, that beautiful sound, shook her to her core. She pulled away from the kiss, her whole body shuddering against Harper’s. When Harper’s hand pressed into the small of her back, she fought to keep her legs working. After almost a year, she still unraveled at the slightest of Harper’s touches.

  “Harper, I…”

  “I know, Sarah.” She took her face in her hands and kissed her lips. “I know, and I forgive you.”

  “How can you?” Sarah paused. This was what she had come for, but now that Harper had said the words, she didn’t feel worthy of them.

  “What happened between us, it wasn’t all your fault,” Harper said, her hands still holding her face, keeping Sarah’s gaze locked with her own. “At first, I allowed myself to pretend that it was all you. I blamed you for so much…for everything, because I couldn’t admit that what happened was both our faults.”

  She released Sarah, taking a step away from her then turning around, a contrite smile on her face. “We weren’t ready for the feelings that we had. We were playing a dangerous game, and we were making it up as we went along. Neither of us stopped to consider how deeply involved we had become. We weren’t ready for the pressure, the judgment, any of it. I don’t blame you, Sarah. I know what happened changed who I am, but I’m happy for that. I’m okay with that now.”

  “Oh, Harper.” Sarah’s voice cracked, even though it was just a whisper.

  “I never thought I’d feel this way again. I’m in love with you, Sarah, and this time, I’m not letting you go.”

  Sarah used all the energy she had left to hold back the river behind her eyes. There was a deep ache in her chest as she reached for Harper’s lips with her own. She kissed her deeply, kissed her fully, kissed her to express all the things she felt but could not put into words. “I love you, Harper. I will always love you.”

  “I know, and I forgive you, Sarah. Now you need to forgive yourself.”

  Sarah didn’t argue anymore. She kissed her hungrily, knowing that she would die a thousand times just to feel Harper’s love once more. Harper put gentle pressure on Sarah, guiding her toward her bed. When the back of Sarah’s knees hit the mattress, Harper playfully nudged her shoulder, encouraging her. Sarah needed no further prodding, and she wasted no time in reversing their roles, and gently laying Harper down, maneuvering her body on top of hers in one fluid movement.

  “There’s something I’ve always wanted to do to you.”

  “What’s that?” Harper asked as she rose up from her pillow to capture Sarah’s lips.

  Sarah kissed her gently, lovingly, then brought her lips to her ear. “How about I show you?”

  EPILOGUE

  Harper’s coffee had gone cold again. It seemed no matter how many times she refilled it, it was cold before she could get a taste. That’s what happened when you had your eyes glued to a book for hours. She readjusted the position of her first year criminology textbook on her lap.

  The law is reason free from passion.

  She smiled, reminded of that day four years earlier when her ninth grade law teacher had said the same words, and she had wondered if anything could ever be free from passion. How much she’d changed from that naïve girl. How much she had gone through. Maybe she’d had it right all along. Even during her hardest times, she had been full of passion. She’d only thought herself empty inside, but she was filled with emotion, with passion, and strength.

  She had finally taken ownership over the way she had been living her life, and put the past behind her, but the f
uture was always in her hands, and she’d grabbed it by the horns. She’d be starting university in a few weeks. She’d done it, and her chest swelled with pride when she thought of how much she had been through to get there.

  Harper took her nose out of her book at the knock at the door. She wasn’t expecting anyone so early, but Bronte had said she might stop by later that day.

  “Who is it?” she called. When no one answered, she looked out the peep hole. There was no one there, but there was something on the ground. Harper opened the door and carefully lifted the paper. It was a drawing of her standing at the front of a courtroom, addressing the jury, and it was expertly done.

  “Someone once told me I had a great talent.”

  The voice seemed to come from nowhere. She hadn’t noticed anyone walk up while she studied the picture, but she’d know that voice anywhere.

  “Sarah,” she whispered. When she turned, her breath caught at just the sight of her.

  “Do you like it?” Sarah asked, looking pointedly at the drawing with her smoky, blue eyes.

  “When did you have time to do this? You weren’t supposed to get here until Monday.” Harper squealed and threw her arms around Sarah’s neck. Sarah had been away with her family and it took a moment for Harper to register that she was really there.

  It had been two weeks since she’d seen her, and six months since they’d received their acceptance letters. OCAD for Sarah, as she’d always dreamed, and University of Toronto for Harper, where she would attend one of the best pre-law programs in the country.

  Bronte had found them the condo they were renting at the beginning of the summer. It was a corner unit in a prime location on Queens Quay, looking over the Harbourfront of Lake Ontario from one side, and the CN Tower and Toronto skyline from the other. Harper had picked up the keys that morning and dropped off the textbooks she’d picked up that afternoon at the bookstore. This was going to be her home with Sarah for at least the next twelve months, and the moment she’d walked in the door, she couldn’t bring herself to leave again.

  “What are you doing here?” She stepped back to let Sarah in.

  Sarah looked around and smiled when she saw Harper’s coffee and textbook station set up on the floor, as they currently had no furniture in the rental.

  “I know you.” Sarah kissed her cheek. “I knew the second you got here, you wouldn’t be able to leave, and I didn’t want you here alone, even for one day.”

  “But your family trip?”

  Sarah looked behind her, back out to the hallway and smiled. She moved aside, and Tyler, Jen, and Bronte walked in, each of them carrying a moving box with a room name written on it in black permanent marker.

  “Sarah, thank you,” Harper whispered gratefully. Somehow, Sarah always knew just what she needed.

  “How do you guys have so many dishes? You just moved out.” Jen dropped a box of pots and pans onto the granite counter in the kitchen.

  “Babe, I said I’d take the heavy stuff.” Tyler came up and rubbed Jen’s shoulders from behind.

  “Right, so I can hear you complaining about it later,” she teased him. He kissed her head and walked back out with a smile. “I swear, your brother can be such a girl when he hurts himself.”

  Bronte laughed. “Like it bothers you. We all know you wear the pants in that relationship.”

  Jen narrowed her eyes in feigned offence.

  “You ever notice how sexist you two sound?” Harper asked.

  “Oh, not this again.” Sarah pulled her in. “Let’s save the litigious discourse for after they help us move everything in. Okay, Miss Isabelle, Esquire?”

  “Not quite yet,” Harper said, but she was smiling.

  The whole place was soon filled with the sounds of scuffing sneakers, heels clacking, and boxes being opened and unloaded. Harper took a moment to step out onto their balcony, where a small bistro set with two chairs would soon live. She needed a moment just to stop and let it all sink in. Everything she’d ever wanted was right inside these four walls, and it overwhelmed her.

  Bronte came outside and closed the sliding glass door behind her. “I wish you lived closer, but damn, I am going to love visiting you guys with this view.” She swirled the last of her margarita around in her glass. “I found you a good place though, right?”

  “Yes, you’re the best real estate agent ever,” she said in mock adoration, then turned her voice serious. “And you’re welcome here anytime. You know that.” Harper adjusted her aviators, hoping that Bronte wouldn’t see her eyes had gone misty. Her sister joined her at the edge of the balcony, and they both smiled as Tyler and Jen unloaded the final boxes from the moving truck down below. It was one of the last warm days of summer, and already, the sun was starting to set in the late-August evening.

  “I’m sure you’ll want a break from me soon enough, or Sarah will at least.” Bronte said teasingly.

  “Sarah loves you.” Although they were both wearing sunglasses, she knew they were looking into each other’s eyes.

  “I love her too. Anyone who makes my sister this happy is good in my books.” She finished the last of her drink and held up her empty glass. “I think it’s time I made a fresh batch. This will be one of the last days we can enjoy drinks like these. Gotta get as many in as we can.” She gave Harper a reassuring squeeze on her shoulder, before leaving her alone again with her thoughts.

  After Bronte went inside, the blender started to go, and it wasn’t long before Sarah joined her on the balcony. She stood beside her for a few moments, neither of them speaking, before she turned and put her arms around Harper’s waist from behind. They were facing the setting sun as it painted a rosy glow over the water. Harper leaned back into her embrace, and hugged the arms that were wrapped around her waist.

  “Was this a good surprise?” Sarah asked, as she placed a kiss at the back of her neck, sending warm shivers down her spine.

  “The best.”

  When Sarah tightened her arms around her again, Harper let the warmth of the moment, of having her family with her—even Tyler, who had become a great friend and ally over the years, often to Sarah’s consternation.

  “What is it?” Sarah asked.

  Harper took in a deep breath, letting herself experience everything that was moving through her in that moment. “Life so seldom turns out how we imagine it.” She shifted her focus back inside, to where Tyler and Jen were setting out plates for the pizza they’d ordered. Bronte was pouring five margaritas, and putting a lime wedge on the side of each glass. Sarah squeezed her tighter, reminding her again of just how much love she was surrounded by. “I never would have thought back then that things could turn out this way.”

  “Yeah, who would have thought a nice girl like Jen could fall for Tyler.” Sarah joked, and Harper smiled. “Have I told you today how much I love you?”

  “Not since this morning on the phone.” Harper kissed her. “I was feeling neglected.”

  “I love you.” Sarah smiled, and Harper saw home reflected in her eyes.

  “I love you too, Sarah. I can’t believe this is really happening. That we’re finally going to be living together.”

  “Hey, you’re the one who wanted to finish the summer at home before moving out together,” Sarah countered.

  “I know, but I really wanted to finish up that internship.” Harper didn’t apologize again, because Sarah already knew how important the internship had been to her, and how rare a human rights position was at her parents’ law firm.

  “I’d have waited however long you wanted, Harper. I’d have waited twenty lifetimes. I’d do anything to be with you in the end.”

  “I’m glad you feel that way.” She kissed her, moving gently out of her arms. “Because this is only the beginning.”

  Bronte walked out of the kitchen, holding two margaritas enticingly their way, and they both laughed as they joined their friends inside. The warmth in the room reminded Harper of Sarah’s abstract painting that now hung on the wall. She’d learn
ed so much about art since meeting Sarah, and felt that she’d even started to understand some of it. Looking at her family, she was reminded of how Sarah had told her that every stroke is needed to complete a painting. That sometimes, even the most errant lines can end up being the defining touches in a piece. She looked around, knowing that finally, the canvas of the life that she and Sarah had started painting long ago was complete.

  Harper met Sarah’s eyes across the room, and saw the affection still as strong as it had always been. She felt herself being pulled to her by that invisible tether that ran between them. They belonged to each other. Past skin and bone, blood and sinew, they were connected. She had always belonged to Sarah, and she always would. They’d been able to find each other over and over again, until finally, the space between them was no more.

  ###

  About Michelle Teichman

  Michelle is a voracious bibliophile and devoted wordsmith who believes that nothing is more powerful than the written word. She is also a proud Canadian and fanatical lover of the NFL. She delights in rich coffee, good wine, smooth bourbon, and fine fare. When not writing, Michelle spends her time enjoying the company of her family and friends, and reading everything she can get her hands on.

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  E-Mail: Michelle.L.Teichman@gmail.com

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